Author's Note: Thanks so much to everyone who reads and reviews. You guys always make my day! Special thanks to Alpha Pegasi for reminding me of the name of the treatment plan for John and to Stealth Dragon for some points about how Rodney reacts to John.

The Turmoil Within

Answerless: Rodney

It was well over an hour before Teyla finally left the balcony and I felt it safe to leave my room without anyone trying to drug me. It hadn't exactly taken a genius to detect the strange herb in my coffee. Not when you drink as much of the stuff as I do, anyway. Nor was it very hard to switch my cup with Teyla's when she wasn't looking, though I didn't blame the Athosian woman. I was certain she was acting under the orders of a busybody Highlander. He was worried that I was exhausted, close to a collapse, and all that... Carson had wanted me to let his staff give me a sedative earlier, to which I'd objected- with high volume. That ended with his staff firmly shoving me out the door while the Scottish pain-in-the-ass (quite literally not that long ago) headed to the balcony he'd allowed Sheppard to hole up on. It was now approaching 2 am, so if I had any chance of making my way past the medical staff to Sheppard's room, it would be now. And I needed to see him. To make sure that what my head kept telling me was absolutely impossible could have happened. That he really was alive, safe, and looking young enough to need acne cream.

As I crept through the silent hallways, easily avoiding Sheppard's single-brain celled minions, it occurred to me that I really ought to send Samantha Carter and the rest of the original SG-1 members an apology. I understood, now, why they had refused to give up on the slim chance Teal'c was still alive inside the Stargate. When Carter realized I had convinced the Pentagon Teal'c was dead... I'm surprised she didn't shoot me on the spot. I would have deserved it. If there was one thing I'd learned in the last three years, it was that we don't leave our people behind! We keep looking until we find a way or someone shows us a body. The problem was it had almost come to the latter option today- or yesterday, or whatever- even if I had been the only one willing to say it.

Quietly, I slipped into the darkened infirmary, the few patients around sound asleep. Hopefully, Carson was too. I knew from my last attempt two hours ago, the one ending with Teyla on guard duty, that the physician was sitting with the colonel in one of the back rooms. Carefully, I peeked in the doorway, having learned a few things from watching a certain fly boy over the years.

Ah! Success! Sheppard was asleep on the bed, Carson dozing in the chair. I could-

All thoughts were cut off as I was grabbed by the back of the shirt and propelled forcefully into Carson's nearby office. A hand muffled my screech of protest, a huge shape towering over me. Ronon. I was dead.

"McKay. You're worse than a little one told they can't have sweets."

I could feel my face heating up as I flushed angrily. "I'm not some stupid little rug rat who wants candy! That's my friend in there, and I had to watch him dying yesterday! I just want to see that he's really alright! What the hell is the matter with that, hmmm! And what are you doing here, for that matter? I thought no one was allowed to see him! It's... It's because they're hiding something, isn't it? That's it. He's dying, right?" In seconds, I had gone from furious to mind-numbing fear, Carson's banishment suddenly making sense.

"No, Rodney, he's not gonna die." A tired voice proceeded the appearance of a ragged looking Carson around the Satedan's bulk. "Thank you, Ronon, I'll take it from here. It's been a few hours an' the colonel's starting to get restless again."

"Right." The office abruptly became much larger with my team mate out of it.

"Restless? Everybody keeps telling me he's sleeping comfortably !" I let out an accusatory whine, fixing the Scot with a narrowed gaze.

An exasperated sigh. "I'd been bloody well hopin' to have this conversation at a halfway decent hour when we're both awake, but if you insist..."

"Yes, I insist! Why have his friends been kept away after everything he's been through? And don't give me some voodoo about patient-directed trauma recovery, Kate already tried that."

It didn't make much sense to me, frankly. When someone was ill, the doctor was supposed to tell them what to do to get better, not the other way around. What use were they, otherwise? This was why medicine was not a real science. Real science had a set number of solutions to each problem and they didn't change.

"Rodney..." It was the tired, fed-up 'I'm explaining to a two-year-old' tone that I was supposed to use on others, not have directed at me, the smartest man in two galaxies. "People react to trauma in different ways. Colonel Sheppard internalizes it, which the subconscious mind begins to process using dreams. It's a safe environment for him to experience emotions his conscious mind has difficulty dealing with. It's perfectly natural after this type of trauma, but it can be bloody disturbing. That's why I have someone with him, to help ground him after the nightmares."

"Yes, yes, whatever. Just tell me this. Why does the person with the sensitivity of his gun get to sit with him and I don't? It isn't fair! I need to-" I stopped, horrified at myself, earning a narrow-eyed penetrating doctorly stare.

"All right, Rodney, I've seen you when the colonel's been hurt before and you're not usually pushin' the edge of collapse. What the bloody hell is goin' on?"

Somehow I doubted 'nothing' would be deemed an acceptable response. Carson knew me too well. I had sat waiting for the blame to fall for over a day now, so it might as well start with him.

Quickly, before I could lose what little nerve I had, I blurted it out. "I failed, all right? Happy now! He's never left me, but when he's the one in need of rescue, I don't have any answers! I'm supposed to be this great genius and what did I do? Oh, that's right... Found the wrong planet and terminated the threat of a killer mouse!"

Carson winced at my tirade, sympathy in his eyes, which just served to agitate me further.

"Listen, son, you didna fail him! There wasn't anything we could do!"

Now the Scot was upset too, his speech picking up in pace and accent so thick I could barely understand him. My shaking head and slashing hand movement cut him off before he could say anything else. I didn't want to hear it. Not now.

"You just don't get it, do you? There should have been! I'm supposed to have all the answers, that's my job! Why do you think they brought in Colonel Carter when they wanted to tie up the Supergate, hmmm? Sheppard and Weir were afraid I couldn't do it, that's why! Who figured out how to fly that Wraith ship? Teyla! Who couldn't get Sheppard out of that time dilation field after getting him stuck there in the first place? Me! When I was trapped in the Jumper, who got me out? Sheppard and Zelenka! Who-"

"-figured out where Ronon was so we could rescue him?"

Carson and I both turned in shock as a very familiar voice interrupted my guilty yells. Just as I was really getting warmed up, too. Standing in the doorway swaying slightly as he was supported on one side by an IV pole and on the other by Ronon was John Sheppard. Pale face quickly tingeing red, he answered his own soft question.

"I think it was a certain Dr. Rodney McKay. Who realized Lucius was drinking a drug that affected everyone? See the previous answer! Who's pulled our rear ends out of the fire more times than I care to think about? Care to clue him in, Ronon?"

A fierce glare, daring me to contradict him. "McKay."

Gently, the Satedan lowered our team leader into the desk chair that Carson hastily pushed over.

"Bloody hell, son, what're you doing up!"

At the doctor's words, I quit gaping in astonishment at what had just been said by the colonel and took a good, hard look at him. John was pale, sweat standing out on his forehead, eyes holding a slightly distant, haunted gaze. His body was visibly trembling and the fact that he had been allowing Ronon to support him told me everything I needed to know about how the man really felt. The contrast with the Sheppard who had bounded from the forest floor less than 24 hours ago was striking. I felt my stomach roll and knot in fear for my friend. Maybe that was why I spoke without thinking.

"You look like something even a Wraith wouldn't touch."

John flinched so hard the chair he was on rolled backwards several inches while one foot connected solidly with my shin. Carson simultaneously smacked me upside the head and I heard Ronon's deep, rumbling growl. The one that said someone's life was about to end. One of the Scot's hands settled firmly on my shoulder, preventing me from leaning down to rub my abused limb, and he whispered fiercely in my ear.

"See, that's why I didna bloody well want you here, ya daft haggis!" He continued aloud to all of us. "It's the stress and trauma compounded by exhaustion from not being able to get any proper rest. A few days of calm and the colonel should be fine."

John sighed, wearily waving one hand in a dismissive gesture, though I really wasn't sure who at. "I know, doc. I just pushed my limits, that's all. As for why I'm here, I got up to visit the little pilot's room and heard Rodney yelling." I found myself on the receiving end of a very sour look. "We're a team, Rodney. That means we've all had times we got to be the hero and times when everything we so much as looked at went wrong. The point is we support each other no matter what. We- I- trust you. If there's something that can be done, we know you won't stop until you find it, all right? I don't blame you for not getting to me, really, I just... I need time, that's all."

The slumped shoulders, the exhausted gaze, the defeated tone... These were not the words I thought I would ever associate with John Sheppard. I just wanted to scream, rant at him until I saw the familiar gleam return to his eyes, the sarcastic comments to his lips. Even as I opened my mouth to deliver the first scathing remark, I was once again grabbed and propelled, this time by Carson. Before I could object, the stubborn Scot had me out of the infirmary into the deserted hallway.

"I know what you were thinkin', Rodney, and that's exactly what he doesn't need right now. The colonel needs some time and space to process this, then he'll be back to himself before you know it. An' I realize you're angry with yourself over this, we all are, but there wasn't anything we could have done, an' we're just going to have to live with it. The last thing we should be doing, though, is putting those regrets on the man in there. Go yell at your poor soddin' staff, spar with Ronon, talk with Kate, beat a video game, something, but don't be bringin' your guilt and anger here."

He pinned me with a stern gaze, waiting for me to meekly nod, which I did fairly quickly. Carson was right, if I wanted to yell at someone, John was definitely the wrong target at the moment. Though there were times when I thought everyone could use a good yelling at. They'd certainly done it to me enough times. I slumped against the wall, not quite sure of what to do anymore. I had come here wanting answers, but the ones I received weren't what I had expected, nor what I had experienced in the past. Did he really trust me that much, even after my mistakes of the last year? He had to. The John Sheppard I knew wasn't given to lying about things like that. When I'd screwed up with Arcturus, he'd let me know about it in no uncertain terms, so why would he gloss things over now, at two-thirty in the morning when he looked half dead from lack of sleep? And why did it matter so much what he thought of me? I'd certainly never cared about such trivial factors before. Then, I'd never really been a part of a team, a family, before, either. Not like this. A touch on my arm brought my attention back to the dark corridor.

"Come on, Rodney. Lay down on the bed nearest the colonel's door and I'll get something to help you sleep. He's going to need all of us in the days ahead, whether he'll admit it or not."

"Fine. Whatever. Just... take care of him, Carson."

"Aye. I'm bloody well tryin'."