The Turmoil Within

Burdens Too Heavy: Elizabeth

I don't know how long I sat in my office, staring at my computer, which had long since gone from screen saver to hibernation mode. Over and over in my mind I played every action, every decision, looking for anything I could have done differently on the longest day of my life. The images haunted me...

The terror in his eyes that he would never otherwise acknowledge, the painful limpness of his body after each feeding, the blood-red mark standing out as his skin grew paler and paler, the gray appearing in his hair, his head thrown back in the silent screams the gag and his own iron will wouldn't let him voice...

A lack my memory inevitably filled with that gut-wrenching cry of pure agony from the stranded Jumper so long ago. Had it really only been a little over two years? It seemed like a lifetime. It was times like now, in the darkest hours of the night, when I wondered if Atlantis would have been better off had I refused the President's job offer that cool spring night. Would Kolya have even tried such a maneuver if Atlantis had a regular military commander in charge, or even- dare I even think it- a man? I had noticed the lack of women commanders among the Genii, or at least among the ones I had met, and Kolya had seemed to dismiss me out of hand throughout much of his short occupancy of Atlantis. Maybe...

A soft knock against the open door to my office brought my attention reluctantly out of the world of what-ifs. The night gate technician, a young man who had come with the last Daedalus run, stood there shifting from foot to foot hesitantly.

"Yes?"

"Dr. Weir, Dr. Beckett just called to see if you were still in your office. He said to tell you 'ta get your rear end ta your quarters an' at least lay down before I send Ronon up there ta carry you out!"

I couldn't help it. I closed my eyes for a long moment and let myself give in to a quiet laugh, even though it bordered on hysteria. The man's imitation accent and inflection were so accurate he sounded like a younger Carson. As I forced myself to bring my breathing back under control, I met his gaze to see sympathy and understanding there. Somehow, this young man had known I needed to break out of the horrors my own mind was conjuring, if only for a moment. Interesting.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me." I flushed, still embarrassed by the reaction.

A shake of the head and a tentative smile as the man- what was his name?- leaned against the door jam as John so often did. "Don't worry about it, Ma'am. If there's one thing I understand, its how people might be reacting tonight. See, my sister was a POW in Iraq. I don't think anybody in my family could sleep for days after we found out just what she'd gone through, and we didn't have to witness it!"

I stood slowly, shocked to realize I barely knew anything about what was happening on Earth anymore. Since coming here, those squabbles had seemed remote and petty in many ways, though they certainly weren't small for those directly involved. It just seemed so stupid for us to be fighting ourselves when the threats to humankind as a whole were so huge. But wasn't that what we had just been doing with Kolya? Fighting among ourselves to the point where John had been forced to make an alliance with a bitter enemy in order to escape from someone who should naturally be on our side? Gently, I put a hand on the man's arm.

"Will she be all right?"

His smile was sad, wavering. "She's getting there. More than anything, she just wants the whole thing behind her, I think. She doesn't like anyone to mention it or treat her differently. The therapist said that's a pretty common reaction for a career military or law enforcement officer. They have their own ways of coping that seem... unbelievable to the rest of us." He paused, giving a quick head shake. "I should let you get some rest before the doctor really does send Specialist Dex after you. You should know, though, Ma'am, that the nightmares really do fade after a while."

He straightened as if to leave, but my hand once again on his arm stopped him. "Did you ever ask her if she would do it again, knowing what would happen? Still go after the ones who attacked her country?"

Bright green eyes met mine, tears glittering there. "Yes, Dr. Weir, she would. I asked her why once and she said it didn't matter what country was on the receiving end, the act itself was against humanity." He paused, then gave a slight shake of the head. "Besides, next time it could be us they go after."

As he turned, no longer leaning against the door frame, I finally saw the flag on the shoulder of his uniform.

It was Australian.

Slowly, I walked to my quarters, head bowed, reflecting on the truth of his words. John wouldn't appreciate any mention of what we had seen, I knew that, and most of us would be more than willing to respect those wishes. Except Rodney, who needed to talk about everything.

Entering my quarters, I left the light off, wanting to hide in the darkness. Finally, I could drop the official face of Doctor Elizabeth Weir, Atlantis Leader, and allow myself to just be Elizabeth, friend and deeply feeling human being. I hugged a pillow tightly, finally allowing the tears to flow freely, born of both pain and anger. The simple truth haunted me.

I had stood there and allowed a friend to be slowly murdered. A death I could have stopped cold at any time, had I made the choice. In the end, though, I knew I really didn't have a choice. John had ordered me not to trade another's life for his, not even that of a possibly treacherous sometimes ally. No matter what my country's policy was, or who Ladon himself was, that was what ultimately stopped me from giving in to my feelings. I hadn't lied when I told Ladon I would have traded him in an instant if I could. Another thing my gut was in absolute knots about. Could I, Elizabeth Weir, have really gone through with such a trade and then lived with myself afterwards, or would the burden have been too much? Stop it! I sternly scolded myself, reminding my inner turmoil that the only one ultimately at fault in this whole mess was Kolya. That's what my head said, though I knew it might take a while for my heart to accept it. And I certainly wouldn't object if any of Atlantis' teams, especially John's, brought the man back dead instead of alive. In fact, I would breath a sigh of relief. Right now, I was filled with rage.

Had John died yesterday, it would have been as a meaningless object in a Genii power play. A game of chess for the leadership of the Genii people between two arrogant kings, with me caught in the middle as the queen. Move one way, and I would have allowed the king to be check-mated. Move the other and I could have saved him- but only by sacrificing my knight. The problem now was that the game hadn't ended and Atlantis had too many pieces who could easily be caught in the middle, as John was. For that reason, I had recalled all our off-world teams until after I could go over how John had been captured with him and what, if anything, could prevent such a thing from happening again.

When? When had Atlantis become the very thing I had fought so hard against in the United Nations? A king maker? A dictator to the weak by force of arms? That was what Kolya had wanted of us, after all. Where had I made a mistake that allowed this to happen? And hadn't I become the very thing I hated when I told the head of a sovereign state that he couldn't leave? Should I have allowed Ladon to return to his own world when he first asked, trusted him? What if the Wraith hadn't-

I shied away from that thought hard. I had seen the husks left behind by the Wraith, and I knew that in the nights to come, I would be seeing them with John's face. Not a prospect that encouraged me to look forward to sleeping. Around and around my mind went, fears, regrets, what-ifs, plans... Until at last, my exhaustion took over and I slipped into slumber...

Only to awaken hours later, screaming, tears mingling with sweat, mind filled with the very thing I dreaded, a body bag being carried off a Jumper...

I had to see him, to know that the Sheppard luck and sheer stubbornness had brought him through again, back to us- to me. Quite simply, John was my anchor, my sounding board, my partner, my help and occasionally my hindrance. I didn't want to imagine an Atlantis without him.

A quiet, almost tentative knock on my door had me throwing on a robe only to realize that I still had my clothes on. Wiping tears from my face, I took a deep breath, keying open the door to find Carson Beckett on the other side, rumpled, stubble-chinned, and red-eyed.

"Carson! Is John...?" My throat choked on the words.

His face stayed blank for a long moment as my heart crept into my throat, then he firmly shook his head.

"He's fine, love, just very restless. Insisted I come see if you were able to come talk to him. I'd been hoping you were sleepin', that's why I knocked so softly. Didna want to wake you."

A glance back at my bedside clock showed 4:27 am. I let out a long, slow breath, wondering if either John or Carson had been able to get any sleep, though I understood the doctor's reluctance to use any type of sedative.

"Let me throw some water on my face, Carson."

At the Scot's willing nod, I hurriedly straightened myself out so I didn't look like I'd just slept in my clothes. Soon enough, we were making our way through empty hallways, the stillness of pre-dawn wrapping us like a cloak.

"I'm surprised he wants to see me after I put my foot in my mouth so spectacularly yesterday. My bedside manner is still horrible!" I tried to make light of it, so that I wouldn't be tempted to lose what composure I had left when I saw the man. I smiled at the irony of it, since it was a defense mechanism I seemed to have picked up from a certain colonel.

"I wouldna worry about it, Elizabeth." Carson heaved a sigh, rolling his eyes when he noticed me looking at him. "Rodney managed much worse about three hours ago. I think the colonel's looking for someone other than Ronon and I to distract him so he doesn't fall asleep again. John's nightmares have been... severe."

That was about the last thing I wanted to hear.

"Has he managed any sleep?"

"A few hours here and there. Havin' Ronon or I with him seems to have helped. Colonel Sheppard's one of the strongest men I've ever met, lass. He'll get through."

My reply went unspoken, but it hung in the air anyway, an invisible ball and chain I dragged along behind me.

He shouldn't have had to go through any of this in the first place.