Somedays aren't yours at all,
They come and go
As if they're someone else's days
They come and leave you behind someone else's face
And it's harsher than yours
And colder than yours
Somedays
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I do not know what the future holds for me. And I do not know how those after me shall see my actions. Perhaps it is not until I make the decision before me that history shall decide my character. Even now, I know I shall be cast as their savior, or their downfall. There is no middle ground for me.
I have spent 10 years in this kingdom of Camelot. I have seen people come and find homes within the borders of this land. I have seen the dissatisfied leave to find happiness elsewhere. I have seen many men put into the ground, some my friends, some not. I came to know the man I now call my brother, though he was nearly a stranger at the start of journey. I watched a man of stone melt my heart, and I perhaps I touched his as well. I have seen what the Goddess has shown me in order to protect these people. I have been feared for my methods and my ways. Hated for my power in the old religion. All within the walls of this castle.
I do not know where to start, perhaps at the beginning, to when I came to Arthur and his people. 10 long years ago when I first laid eyes upon Arthur's land I knew I would never be the same. Somehow the land itself spoke of change.
The Goddess showed me then only flashes of what was to come. It seems so odd that those cliché moments would become my future. I did not comprehend then but as I look back now, I know she was giving me a glimpse of the future I would have to choose.
Would I remain devoted to her or choose my own path? It seemed so easy then.
I only believed in the Goddess when I arrived in Camelot. And for long after that she was the only one in my life. My life itself was hers. Slowly though, I opened my heart and came to know the world around me. I found an unlikely balance between the two opposites in my life. Though considering my current situation, perhaps the balance I struck was no balance at all.
She asks me now the same question she asked of me when I arrived in Camelot, and unlike then, I have not yet made a decision. Unlike then, I do not know if I shall choose this mortal life or the path she has chosen for me. I simply know when I set forth on this path I thought my life was decided for me and now given the chance to choose my destiny, I am unsure. I am afraid I will lose those I have come to love.
It seems so long ago. So long since that battle at Badon Hill occurred. So long since Merlin stood watchful over the same knights I know now. So long since he protected them with his old magic. I heard he nearly died that day but Merlin saved him. Of that I'm sure, perhaps Merlin knew what was to come. So long since the marriage of Arthur and Guinevere. So long since I had met Arthur for the second time in my life. So long since happiness had spread the land. So long…
Morgaine set the pen down. She ached, her heart ached.
Regardless, she carried on. Whatever her decision, she needed others to know the events which had led her to her current situation, of the pains she had gone through. That this decision itself had pained her. She never set out to hurt those who had come to care for her, though she knew many would argue that fact. This life was never hers but she couldn't bear to part with it.
She wiped the tears which had begun to fall from her eyes. A small fear that perhaps that was the only choice she had left. Maybe the only choice she had ever had.
The Goddess always had worked in mysterious ways.
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Lyrics from "Somedays" by Regina Spektor (simply amazing)
I have an interesting approach to this story, you just have to bear with me for a chapter or two to see it unfold. I draw inspiration from King Arthur (the movie), The Mists of Avalon (books/mini series), and history itself. I do not own any of them.
Thank you for reading (and if at all possible, i'd love a review or two).