Chapter Two – Torn

I'm all out of faith

This is how I feel

I'm cold and I am shamed

Lying naked on the floor

-Natalie Imbruglia "Torn"

"Abby, wake up," Luka whispered in my ear, his hand shaking my shoulder gently. "It's Christmas Eve." He laughed as I groaned miserably.

"Luka, you're not supposed to wake someone up for Christmas Eve," I explained groggily, shoving my head under my pillow. "Just Christmas."

"Well, let's start a new tradition then," He replied with a grin. "Come on, I made waffles, eggs, bacon, and coffee," He rubbed my back encouragingly. "You love coffee."

I sighed deeply and came out from under my pillow. Really, there was no sense in denying it. I did love coffee, and Luka could be very stubborn when he wanted to be. With great reluctance, I hoisted myself out of bed where he had my robe waiting for me.

"It's a little cold downstairs," He said, helping my arms through the sleeves. "I have socks for you, too." I laughed.

"What?" He asked, frowning in confusion. I smiled and kissed him gently.

"Nothing, you're just very sweet." He smiled back and handed me the socks. After putting them on and tying my robe, we headed downstairs to eat.

"Is there something wrong with your breakfast?" Luka asked, watching concernedly my still-full plate.

"No, it's delicious," I replied, staring down at the food. And it was, but the taste wasn't the problem. It was the smell that was getting to me. For some strange reason, the normally contenting aroma of breakfast was making me positively nauseous. "I guess I just don't have an appetite this morning."

Luka frowned. "You need to eat," I waved my hand dismissively. "I'm serious, Abby, it's very important to eat in the morning."

"I know, I know," I replied, getting up from the table. "I'll tell you what. Haleh left a message on my phone last night asking if I could pick the cake up for the Christmas party tonight. I'll wrap some of these waffles up and eat them on my way." Luka continued to frown, but nodded his approval regardless. I walked around the table and kissed him on the forehead. "See you at work?"

"Yeah, of course," He replied, squeezing my shoulder. I grinned and made my way out of the kitchen, stopping just in front of the calendar on the wall. It was then that I made a very important discovery. There was something missing…something extremely important.

"That can't be right," I thought aloud, counting the boxes that led up to the December the 24th. "It should have came sometime last week…"

"What was that?" Luka asked. But I ignored his question, too lost in my thoughts. How could I possibly have forgotten to check the calendar all week? "Abby, what's wrong?"

"Nothing," I answered a little too quickly. "Nothing's wrong, I just forgot to write something down on here." I pulled a pen off the counter, scribbling something inaudible on the bottom of the calendar as to support my story. "There, it's fine now."

"All right," He replied, sounding relatively convinced.

"Ok, I'm going to head out," I said, grabbing a few waffles with a shaky hand. He nodded, waving as I walked out of the kitchen. If only he knew that something most certainly was wrong, and that things couldn't possibly be 'fine now.'

How could I have missed this? I thought to myself. I leaned my head up against the El Train window, mentally cursing myself for my stupidity. My period has never been this late before. But that, of course, wasn't true. There was another time, years and years ago, that it had indeed been late. The thought alone was making my already queasy stomach lurch. I couldn't be pregnant again…could I?

Well, it would explain why I couldn't eat breakfast," I mused, remembering the still-uneaten waffles that I had simply discarded on the way to the train. Heightened sense of smell and all...

I groaned, banging my head back against the window in frustration. The past few weeks with Luka had been so much better than I ever dreamed they would be, and now the might as well have never happened. A baby would change everything, and not necessarily for the best. What right did two busy doctors who had only just begun their relationship have bringing a baby into their hectic, unstable lives? None whatsoever.

But it happens every day, I reminded myself, thinking of all the doctors I knew with children and families of their own. Suddenly, I found myself contemplating what my life would be like with a baby…a baby with Luka.

The train stopped abruptly and I watched as a man outside carried a small boy on his shoulders. The boy tugged at his father's hair, giggling madly as his father reached up to tickle his sides. I smiled in spite of myself. Luka could have that…we could have that.

I closed my eyes, unwilling to think about it any further. I didn't know if I was pregnant or not, but I did know that nothing, regardless of the outcome, would ever be the same again.

"Abby, you have a fax," Frank called from admit, pulling a small sheet out of the machine and handing it to me as I walked by. "It's from the lab."

"Thanks, Frank," I replied, snatching the sheet out of his hand and practically running toward the lounge. I needed privacy for these results, that's for sure.

This is it, I told myself, biting my lip. I remembered how nervous I was a few hours earlier when I made my way back down from the lab after having taken a blood test. I knew it would seem like forever having to wait for the results…the results to determine if I was indeed pregnant or not. And yet, here they were. Suddenly I wished forever had lasted just a bit longer than originally anticipated.

With surprising courage, I glanced down at the paper and scanned it carefully. I closed my eyes after reading the last line, not bothering to recheck. The results were positive. It didn't take any amount of time in medical school to figure that one out. I certainly was pregnant.

The next few hours spent at work passed rather uneventfully, with only one thought lurking in the back of my mind. Pregnant. The word seemed to stalk me where ever I went. Anywhere I turned, a million images raced through my head of what it would be like to have a baby with Luka, followed almost immediately by what it would be like to not have a baby with Luka.

However, regardless of my inner battle, I knew I had to let him know. The first time I was pregnant, I didn't even bother to let my husband know. There was no way in hell that I could keep that baby, not while my marriage was ending. I didn't even think twice about making an appointment to have an abortion, and even though I felt a little remorse over getting rid of my baby, I knew I had made the right decision. But now, I was completely unsure of what the right decision was. All I knew was that I had to tell Luka, and fast. If I put it off, it would just get more and more difficult. No…it had to be done tonight.

I decided that I'd tell him after the Christmas party at Ike's. There was no sense throwing us both off our game at work, and I didn't want to ruin his apparent happiness. He seemed to really be enjoying Christmas this year, and that to me was bittersweet. I couldn't help but wonder how short-lived that enjoyment would be.

I came into Ike's later that night, his gift clutched precariously in my hand. I spotted him across the room, sitting at the bar and watching as Haleh and Morris sang their Christmas duet. I walked across the room, taking a deep, steady breath. This was it.

"What's this?" He asked, grinning as I placed the red bag which held his present on the bar.

"Part of your present," I replied, returning his grin with some reluctance. "Open it."

He glanced at me for a moment, and then down at his present. He chuckled, reaching into the bag and pulling out the snow globe I had bought him. "Wow," He exclaimed over-zealously. "Thank you."

"You're welcome," I replied with a small smile.

"This beats what I got you," He said, handing me the small wooden box for the second time that day. "Open yours."

I pulled open the top of the gift, revealing a small, silver compass. I quirked an eyebrow at him, unsure of what made him buy me something so strange. "A compass?"

"I know it's corny, but…" He paused awkwardly. "It seems we always find each other."

"It's beautiful," I replied sincerely. His words touched me, and I knew that after such a statement, I couldn't put off my news any longer. "Can we talk?"

"Yeah, sure," He responded, his face falling. It looked as though he was fear the worst. Really, he had no idea. "You okay?"

"Yeah. Maybe go outside for a minute?"

He nodded, and we grabbed our coats before heading outside.

"Okay," I began, walking out the door. "I don't know how to say this…"

"What?" He interrupted, following me down the sidewalk.

"Well, it's just that these past three weeks have been really…I, you know…I couldn't have imagined it…" I was stammering now, searching for just the right words to express just how I felt about our situation. The time we had been spending together really had been great, and I just didn't want to have to give all that up.

"For me, too!"

"Yeah, and I haven't laughed so much or felt so good in a really, really long time…and I don't want to do anything to ruin that."

"Hey!" He stopped my rant, placing his hand on my shoulder. "You won't, I promise."

"Luka…"

"Yeah?"

Here it goes, I thought. "Oh, man…"

"What?" He questioned, looking highly concerned. Whatever it was that he thought I was going to say, I knew he was completely off. Nevertheless, he looked almost as nervous as I felt. If I wasn't so preoccupied, I would have been flattered.

"I'm pregnant," I blurted out. That was the first time all day that I had announced those words, and the product of which was overwhelmingly daunting. I watched as he simply stared at me, lost for words. I could almost see the millions of thoughts that had been dancing around my head all day cross through his mind.

"Are you sure?" He asked, his voice soft but compassionate. I nodded slowly, almost expecting him to turn around and head back inside. Instead, he wrapped his arms around me, kissing the top of my head. "Oh, Abby…"

"Merry Christmas, Luka," I whispered into chest.

Well, there's chapter two. I want to thank everyone for all the positive reviews. I really wasn't sure how this would go over, but I'm definitely going to continue it. I'm going to try and keep each update relatively long, so you should expect the next chapter within a couple of days. Once again, thank you for reading. :)