RAFAEL
It's a battle not to turn around, as Cassidy walks away, but it is clear that he does not want me to.
I clench my jaw until it hurts, to allow him the privacy of his exit, when all I want to do is stop him and tell him how wrong he is...It wasn't only a couple of months...it was not okay then, and it is not okay now, that he still holds that secret so deep inside.
I take a few deep breaths, trying to organize my thoughts.
Fuck!
When I saw him slipping onto the stool, I was so angry at him...for torpedoing my case, for going to Liv...and for her hiding him from me.
I assumed he was here to plead for his job... God I hated the man in that moment!
I was never a Cassidy fan...the man is an impulsive, childish, hot-head! I could never see what Liv saw in him...but as my relationship with Liv has grown, I have come to feel a sympathy, and a strange kinship with him. It is incredibly hard to build a relationship with someone who has been through what Liv has survived, and despite my reservations about the man, Cassidy supported Liv in the immediate aftermath of Lewis' first attack, and I can't imagine how hard those weeks must have been for him too.
Liv and I are in a good place, but it has taken a lot of work, trust and talking...and I know she worries that she damaged Cassidy, in the time they were together after...
There was a time I would have scoffed at such a worry...dismissed it as a non-issue, and made some off-handed comment about a strong man being able to deal with it all...Then, I would have rolled my eyes, at any sign of concern for him and merely pointed out that she was the one who suffered a horrible attack... But after Amanda disclosed Patton's rape to me, and after being lucky enough to be trusted by Liv to be a part of her healing, I have learned how high a toll helping a survivor can take.
I am incredibly fortunate, Liv's work family has taken me to heart too, they are there for me, and they support me too. Fin introduced me to a fantastic support group for men supporting friends and partners through the aftermath of sexual violence that sometimes has been all that made it possible for me to keep going...
But in those first weeks, after Lewis, I don't think anyone really thought of Cassidy...
Her squad looked out for him while she was missing...it was their way of caring for her when she was was gone...but after that...I think we all forgot about him while we focused on Liv.
I feel guilty, now, for that oversight.
Munch was more friendly with him, than the majority of the squad...they were partners when Cassidy was SVU...but he was almost alone, dealing with the horrific consequences of Lewis' torture, when Liv was fighting against needing help.
I lean back on the stool, fighting down the queasiness.
I hate saying it, but this revelation, explains so much... I understand Cassidy so much better now...and I feel terrible for thinking it.
He is so much more than a man who was molested by his Little League coach... but keeping this secret all these years...that has clearly had a huge effect...
As I slowly digest his disclosure, I once more, find myself wishing that I had dealt with it better than I did. I wish I had been more eloquent, and reacted better...
As I did, immediately after Amanda's disclosure of Patton's assault, I find myself lamenting my bumbling inaction...
Even with all of my experience, I still can't properly react as I would wish to, when someone I know makes such an admission. No amount of training, or understanding, helps when someone you know whispers such words.
I know Cassidy did not want my sympathies or attempts at comfort...he didn't come to me for far too overdue whispered pities, and hugely belated anger for the child he was.
He came to me, trusting me with his immense secret, to try to help Reggie.
I smile sadly...this is the man that Liv loved.
Tears are pricking my eyes at this understanding. There is no jealousy in me for Brian Cassidy. I have long ago understood that he is Liv's past, and that he played an important part in helping her, when she so needed it, and I will always be grateful to him for that.
I feel true sympathy for the child's pain I can still see bright in the eyes of the man.
And I have no earthly idea what I should do now...
Should I try to speak to him again, about this? Or should it be something left in that one conversation?
Our complicated relationship would not make approaching him an easy prospect... Cassidy is Liv's ex after all...
This simple fact brings forth yet another dizzying understanding... Liv doesn't know.
I know she would want to know...wouldn't she?
He didn't ask me not to tell her, I immediately try to reason.
I want, desperately, to tell her...I'm shocked, sickened by what he suffered, and I'm struggling with the contradiction of his understanding of the long shadows his experience has cast over his whole life, and his seeming disregard for the abuse itself.
"...it only went on for a couple of months..."
My shoulders drop...my mind unable to ignore the incredibly telling use of the word only...there is no appropriate use for the word 'only' in sexual violence... 'only' means some sort of mitigation...a qualifier... a lessening...a self-deprecating "it could have been worse"...
We are never going to be friends, Cassidy and I, he is my partner's ex...but I would like things to be congenial when we cross paths... and tonight's revelation feels like it has given me the piece of the puzzle that has finally humanized the prickly man who always managed to irritate me, despite my efforts to get along with him.
I find myself slightly in awe of him, when I understand that he came to the man who is in a relationship with his ex...a man who is by nature of that relationship, closer to foe than friend...to lay bare a secret so deeply held, that he never even told her, and I have never once doubted his feelings for Liv...
I feel an immeasurable responsibility to live up to the trust such an action has conferred upon me.
I try to shake off all my personal feelings...this is not about me...
I was never blind to the complexities of Reggie's case, or to the seemingly unsolvable injustice of needing to prosecute a hurt and damaged kid who resorted to murder to protect his younger brother from a predator, but now I resolve to do everything I can.
I take a sip of the scotch that has been all but forgotten, in the events of the last moments...perhaps Rita Calhoun could be persuaded to represent Reggie? She is exactly who he needs by his side...
I start trying to find facts to allow me to reduce the charges, precedents I can quote to support moving the case to juvenile court...anything I can do to lessen the demons and shadows for the child.
"Every relationship...Every time this kid looks into a mirror...there's just -there's gonna be this looming shadow there."
Cassidy's words are stuck in my head...and I curse my ability to recall facts so clearly.
"This kid's gonna be chasing demons away the rest of his life."
Those words are going to haunt me for a long time...
I drop my head into my hands, wishing I could forget the uncertainty, the pain and the shame etched onto Cassidy's face as he said them. That horrible vulnerability as he tried to explain what Reggie was already living with, in the only way he knew how...
A familiar hand wraps itself around my back, and I struggle not to let Liv see any hint of my internal tumult.
Greeting her by pulling her into my arms tightly, I kiss her gently, allowing her presence to calm me. She gratefully melts into my arms and I immediately sense that she too, is upset.
"Liv? Are you ok?"
She nods quickly, not wanting to worry me, then sighs lightly, gesturing outside...
"I...I just saw Brian..."
She unconsciously leans against me, something she only does when she is really upset...
I can only jump to the conclusion that he told her...and if I am battling with the emotions of this bombshell, I can only imagine how she feels, so I stay quiet and allow her to find her balance...
"He...he..." she starts to stutter, then looks me right in the eye tucking even tighter into my side... "you know I love you Rafael?"
I nod quickly, smiling warmly at her...she is worried I will mistake her upset for her ex, for lingering feelings for him... I pull a stool as close to me as possible, wrapping an arm around her and reaching for her hand.
She drops into the offered seat speaking quietly, "There was never a big argument, no bad feeling between us...not really, it just reached an end..."
I bob my head again, bracing for what is to come...
She chews her lip, another 'tell' that she is upset...
"I wasn't the same...after...and Brian was always very supportive...he tried everything...but...there was a disconnect between us. I don't know if it was just because of what happened?...It just wasn't working, and he seemed to understand that I needed... to be alone...to figure things out..."
Her eyes are glassy now, she is wrapped up in the memories and trying to hold back tears...
"I've been mad at him over the investigation into Noah...but I knew, really, he would never hurt me... I was glad he came to me when he was in trouble...what we had, it was never...like this..." she gestures between us, and waits for me acknowledge that I understand what we have is very special...
Kissing her hand, I whisper softly, "...but you loved him, mi amor..." saying the words for her, that she could never speak in front of me...
She barely tilts her head up and down once, as the tears start to roll down her cheeks...and I take her face between my hands kissing the tears away wordlessly.
"I did...but I couldn't...let him in...I couldn't...bare my soul to him..."
These last words seem to break her and it takes a few minutes before her sobs quiet enough to raise her head from my shoulder...
"He just asked me that...to admit that I was never going to bare my soul to him...Rafael, he told me I was the love of his life..."
Once more she dissolves into soft sobs...and I hold her to me...his words once more, flashing through my mind... "Every relationship...Every time this kid looks into a mirror...there's just -there's gonna be this looming shadow there." I try not to imagine, how much he must have battled his own demons in Lewis' aftermath...how many times did he want to tell her, he understood, not in that sympathetic 'I get that this is hard...' way... Or did what Lewis did, close that door to them forever?
I just hug her, until she lifts her eyes, a gentle smile pushing back the tears... "It feels like we finally had a real goodbye...real closure..."
I know how guilty she has felt, for a long time, about the impact Lewis' attack on her, had on Cassidy too, and I worry that this revelation is going to have a hugely detrimental effect on her...that she will blame herself even more for hurting him...but as she swipes the tears away quickly, muttering about "crying over an ex to the man I love..." I can only look at her in surprise...
"I'm sorry Rafael," she starts "I guess I didn't know I needed that closure..."
She gently strokes my face, allowing me to see that Cassidy is very much in her past despite the conversation and tears, I am the man she loves...
As much as I enjoy the gesture, I am not threatened by Cassidy...she has dropped her walls to allow me to see her love for me, she is not hiding anything...and my stomach drops...he didn't tell her!
I scrub my hand across my face, before leaning my cheek into her palm.
"Rough day?" she asks me and I can only bow my head.
"He said he was in here pleading for his job?" she gestures out to where she had met Cassidy as he left me... and I put together what happened.
He had walked into her as he left me, and claimed to be trying to save his job to explain his presence... he was clearly emotional, after his disclosure, and needed closure as much as she did...
I nod distractedly to her question, trying to figure out if I should tell her, as she takes off her coat and I order her a glass of wine.
As my mind whirs, we settle comfortably into each other's presence...
He never asked me not to tell her, I remind myself once more. I know I am only trying to rationalize what I want to do...But it is not my secret to tell...the arguments battle silently back and forward...
"Rafael?" she whispers in my ear... needing no more words to ask me what is wrong...
I sigh loudly...still no closer to a decision...
"I'm still amazed by the secrets people can carry for so long..." I tell her. Hiding behind the knowledge that she will assume I'm talking about Reggie.
She takes my hand again, worrying her lip, "We've made so much progress...but it's so hard to admit..."
I can see she is thinking of her own secrets, the suffering she tried to keep private...from the attack she endured in Sealview, at Harris' hands, and the multitude of horrors perpetrated by Lewis.
"It was not your fault Cariño!" I remind her as tenderly as I can, "it is not your shame to carry..."
She is an SVU cop, she knows this, it is something she tells many men and women every day, but sometimes she needs to hear it...she needs to be reminded.
She swallows deeply, her head bobbing up and down in agreement.
"Thank you, Rafael."
I hug her again, and as I usually do when I don't have an answer, I ask the woman beside me...once again hiding in her assumption we are still talking about Reggie...
"Liv...why is it...different...for men...boys...?"
I would be afraid to ask this question of most people; worried they would see a gender bias in the query, wary that it is too politically incorrect an inquiry to ever speak.
She shrugs slightly, "I don't know, I guess it's just not seen as 'manly'..." taking a sip of her drink, before continuing thoughtfully..."I suppose men and boys, are afraid to be judged weak..."
I know she is not judging me for the query; she is very open to discussing this odd dichotomy.
I lean forward, "In our job, it is something I have thought about..." I begin, "I see that sexual assault is not any sort of reflection on the victim... it is not about strength, either physical or mental...it is not about physical attractiveness...a victim can be anyone...there is nothing people do to invite a sexual predator to attack them..."
She agrees with no hesitation...
"So why do so few men and boys come forward?"
She doesn't answer immediately now, considering...so I continue on...
"Liv, a kid is a kid...how is an adult preying on a kid not the same, whether the kid is male or female?"
I know, as well as her, that there is no answer to my question...it is the same...but yet it isn't...
I look around the bar, at the men and women sipping drinks, "How many people here, Liv, are holding in the secret that they have been sexually assaulted?"
She could recite the stats that she knows I am more than familiar with...but she just holds my hand, knowing I need to vent...
"And when that kid is grown up...and the adult is still holding onto that secret...which is more damaging? The secret, or the truth behind it?"
She seems to wonder now, if we are still talking about Reggie..."Rafael...what's...?"
Before she can finish her question and I am forced to lie to her, or break a confidence, even one I never agreed to keep, I interject...
"I'm sorry Liv. This whole thing has gotten under my skin...I was thinking, maybe, Rita might represent Reggie...I'm looking at the charges..."
Her whole face brightens instantly. She immediately understands that I am doing what I can do to help him.
"Counselor..." she begins softly, "you are a very good man!" wrapping me into a warm hug.
She returns a couple of emails as I feign reading the file in front of me, while I try to figure out if Liv should know what Cassidy revealed to me tonight, when he wants to keep it from her? Have I the right to tell her his secrets? Would her support ease his pain? Or is the truth, a secret that only he can tell?
What do I do?