I bet you'd all given up on me, hadn't you? I'm really, really sorry it took so long to upload this chapter - and I have no excuse. I'd like to apologize to all my loyal reviewers and readers and really hope it was worth the wait.
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Sanji didn't know how he managed to sleep that night, but he did. He woke the next morning still in his clothes, and with the feeling that he done something truly terrible. He couldn't see exactly how he could resolve the situation, but surely he should at least apologize to Ace? Straightening his clothes, he left his cabin and went to knock on Ace's door. He received no answer. As he was knocking a second time, he was less than pleased to be found by his captain who whined at him: "Saaaaanji! I'm staaaaarving! You're late for breakfast!" then, seeing that Sanji stood at the door of the now vacant cabin: "Oh. Did you want to talk to Nii-chan? He had to go away."
Sanji felt his heart contract. "When was this?"
"In the middle of the night. Whitebeard called him away."
Sanji tried to tell himself that it must be a coincidence. But he couldn't help remembering the final words they had exchanged the night before:
"I'll go now."
"What do you mean, go? Go where?"
He forced a smile onto his face. "Guess it was something to do with Blackbeard, huh?"
"Yeah! Hope he kicks his arse!" Luffy laughed. "Come and do breakfast now!"
Well, perhaps cooking would take his mind off things. He followed Luffy to the galley, trying his utmost to behave like his normal self.
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Over the next few days, Sanji found it increasingly difficult to behave like his normal self , as he began to wonder if perhaps he had made a terrible mistake. He had to keep reminding himself that he loved Nami-san – then try and quash the little voice that told him that, if he had to remind himself of it, then it couldn't be true. He lay awake for hours each night with these thoughts twisting around in his head. Of course he loved Nami-san – you couldn't think you loved someone for over two years only to find that you didn't, surely? And he had never in his life been even remotely attracted to a man… But then he would think of Ace's smile and be unconvinced all over again. Sanji hated being unsure about things; he considered it a sign of weakness in others and he detested showing weakness himself. He would toss and turn in bed getting more and more frustrated and angry with himself. Just because he enjoyed Ace's company, and they had so much in common, didn't mean he was in love with him for God's sake! He would repeat this over and over under his breath, and feel like screaming to drown out that little voice in the back of his mind that was reminding him of how passionately he had returned Ace's kiss and how unexpectedly good it had felt to press his chest against hard muscle instead of soft breasts.
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It finally came to a head one morning several days later. The sleep loss and mental torture was beginning to take it's toll on Sanji, and he was preparing breakfast with less than his usual flair. When he had served his nakama and started on his own breakfast, Nami piped up: "Sanji-kun! You forgot mine and Robin's coffee!"
For some reason, it was the final straw. Normally it would have provoked an outburst of fawning devotion from Sanji. Profuse apologies and compliments. Promises of beautifully prepared snacks later to make up for it. But this time it suddenly roused in Sanji's mind images of Ace: Ace's smile, the look in Ace's sleepy brown eyes when Sanji thanked him, Ace being surprised and delighted when Sanji offered him snacks, rather than complacently pleased…
"Oh, get it yourself!" snapped Sanji.
Cutlery clattered onto plates as his nakama froze with shock.
Realising what he had said, Sanji stared helplessly from one Straw Hat pirate to another before muttering an apology to Nami and shutting himself in his cabin, where he eventually took refuge in tears, now completely and utterly convinced that he had made a terrible mistake.
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His nakama, at meal times that day, though subdued by his morose demeanour, at least had the tact to let him pretend he was fine and allowed him to mope in his cabin the rest of the time in peace. It was not until long after dark, when they were all in bed, that he emerged above deck, feeling the need of fresh air. He was not used to thinking so long and to so little effect about his feelings and he felt completely exhausted. The night air, however, was pleasantly fresh and crisp, soothing to his troubled spirits, and he was beginning to let his mind drift into thoughts of not very much at all, when a voice called down to him from the crow's nest: "Cook-san?"
"Yes, Robin-chan?" he turned to look upwards, producing an attempt at an attentive smile from sheer force of habit.
"I wondered if you were feeling any better? You haven't seemed yourself at all today…"
"Ah, Robin-chwan is so thoughtful to worry about me! So-"
She cut him off gently: "Now, Cook-san. Stop it. Is anything the matter?"
"Well…" Suddenly he had had enough of stewing over the situation on his own, and it felt like it might be a relief to confide in someone. "Well, Robin-chan, it's really rather complicated."
"Would you like to come up here and tell me about it, perhaps?"
"Shall I make us some cocoa first?"
"Cocoa would be lovely," she said graciously. He smiled at her, rather more naturally than before, and departed for the galley to put the kettle on.
Up in the crow's nest, Robin also smiled. She had a pretty good idea what Cook-san had been moping about recently. It was not usually her way to interfere with people's personal problems, but she loved each of the Straw Hats so much, and couldn't bear to see any of them as unhappy as Cook-san had been recently, that she was prepared to step into unfamiliar emotional territory for his sake.
Sanji soon returned, and she assisted him in carrying the two mugs of cocoa up to the crow's nest with arms sprouted from the mast.
They settled themselves down comfortably and began to drink their cocoa. After a sizable pause, Sanji finally said, rather lamely: "I don't really know where to begin."
Robin remained silent, deciding to let him collect his thoughts before she asked any questions. Finally, he said: "It's about Ace."
There! She had guessed right. "What about Fire Fist-san?" she inquired.
"I think I…" he took a deep breath. "I think I have feelings for him." He paused, wondering if she would react to this. When she didn't, he went on: "And I know he has feelings for me." Now he had begun, it was getting easier.
"Well then," smiled Robin. "I don't see what the problem is."
Sanji put down his mug of cocoa: "It's not that simple, Robin-chan!" he said desperately. "When he was here I – he – I mean – we kissed." Again she said nothing. "And then I pushed him away."
"And why did you do that, Cook-san?" she asked, gently.
"I was scared, I guess," he said, with a rueful little smile. "I've never been even remotely attracted to a man before. And I didn't think I wanted to – you know…"
She nodded, sparing him the embarrassment of elaborating. "But now I think I really do want to after all. Oh, but Robin-chan!" he burst out. "I feel like I'm being unfaithful to Nami-swan! I really thought I loved her, you know."
"I don't know anything about falling in love, Cook-san," said Robin. She had always been what you might call a lone wolf, and had never given much thought to romance. "But it seems to me that, even if you had been in love with Navigator-san, that's no reason to stop you and Fire Fist-san being happy. You're an intelligent man, Cook-san, you must have realized by now that there could never have been any chance for you with Navigator-san; she's still pining for her princess."
"I didn't really want to believe it…" he mumbled miserably.
"Do you need to be head over heels in love with a person to be happy with them? I've never believed in giving out advice on affairs of the heart, but it seems to me that the best thing you could do in this instance would be to try it out."
"But Robin-chan…what if it turns out I can't give him what he wants?"
Was there any way to tell a person you thought you knew their own mind better than they did without sounding patronising? Robin didn't think so, but she might as well try: "Cook-san – I saw the look you got on your face sometimes when you were talking to him. I've never seen such an expression on your face before. You don't have to take my advice, but I really think you should at least try and see if you can make something work with Fire Fist-san." He opened his mouth to object but she spoke over him: "Even if it comes to nothing, at least then you'll both know. Surely that's better than leaving both of you hanging forever?"
"You make a very convincing case, Robin-chan," he said, laughing a little unhappily.
Robin shrugged slightly. "Like I said: I know nothing about these things. But that seems the most logical course of action to me." She took a sip of cocoa. Sanji yawned deeply and she looked up at him a little anxiously. He looked exhausted – there was a dark circle under the eye she could see and even his hair seemed flatter and less lustrous than usual. "Cook-san," she said, solicitously. "I think you need to get some sleep."
"Yes, Robin-chan, you're right." He finished his cocoa and yawned again. Then, as he was climbing out of the crow's nest he turned back to her and said, a little awkwardly: "Thank you, Robin-chan."
"Oh there's no need to thank me, Cook-san," she smiled pleasantly. "I just hope no one has set up an ambush for us while I was talking to you instead of keeping watch like I should have been doing."
Sanji laughed rather uncertainly and went down to his cabin. But instead of going to bed, he dug around in his belongings and found a pad of paper and a pen. Sitting down on the bed, and frowning intently, he began to write: "Dear Ace,"…
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That morning, the bird that delivered Nami's daily newspaper left with a letter addressed to "Portgas D. Ace, Second in Command of Whitebeard Pirates, Grand Line" and a considerably higher fee than usual in it's little brown satchel. Only then, did an absolutely shattered Sanji, under the satisfied gaze and Robin and the astonished ones of his other nakama, stagger back into his cabin, sweep the crumpled remains of discarded drafts of letters off the bed, crawl under the blankets and sleep.
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Need I say that I'm not entirely happy with it...? It was very difficult to write. I only hope it's up to scratch, and that motherly!Robin wasn't too out of character. I promise the next chapter (which will be the last! o) won't take a whole month like this one did.