RAFAEL
A disturbed night of sleep has done little to clarify my next move, or even whether there should even be a next move...
I reluctantly drag myself out of bed, immediately heading for the coffee machine; caffeine is going to be essential today, to even shower and dress.
As the machine spits out the first of what is likely to be very many coffees, Cassidy's words keep echoing in my mind... "...chasing demons away the rest of his life... Every relationship...Every time this kid looks into a mirror...there's gonna be this looming shadow there."
I choose to believe it is the strong black drink that causes my stomach to churn, and not the words that have haunted me all night.
I spent more hours than I want to admit, lying awake, beside Liv, trying to figure out how to deal with the surprising confession from her ex.
I want to lie in bed with her now, and share the information that I feel so ill equipped to deal with, despite all my training. I want her to know...I think she would want to know...I think that maybe he needs the support, even after all this time, from someone who truly cares about him...and as I did after Rollins disclosed the extent of Patton's assault, I want Liv's help and support for myself.
I know she is not blind to the effect my work has on me. She has told me, after particularly bad days, that when I am immersed in work, when I am safe and comfortable at home, and my guard is down, she can sometimes see the pain I feel at what my job confronts me with, play across my face...
She slipped into my lap one night, when the divide I try to maintain between my work and home life was failing; when I tried to apologize for allowing the depravities of work into our home; she just wrapped her arms tightly around me, scrunched up her nose and whispered that it probably sounds strange to admit, but the depth of feeling she sees etched onto my face, makes her love me even more. Because it reminds her how much I care about the people we work with...
She knows this case has hit me even harder than usual...
Sometimes the cases that are going to burrow under your skin, are obvious... they stand out for their brutality, their depravity... or their significance is in the parallels to something much more personal...but sometimes a case, just won't let go, despite its horrors being seemingly unremarkable to someone who sees so much wrong every day...
Over my career in SVU, I have seen it so many times in my colleagues, my friends...a case that takes an unusually high toll on someone...sometimes, you hear, in time, why it struck home, sometimes you are only ever left with worries and slight inklings about it's significance...
This one, Reggie's case, is more mundane than such horrors should ever be...we don't often see it end in murder, not like this...but I am sure she is worrying about why it has affected me more than it should.
Despite the depth of our intimacy, sometimes we need to keep our own counsel...to digest strong feelings, to process, to understand how we feel...
It was a lesson we learned early on in our relationship... trust, openness, honesty and transparency don't mean that privacy is gone. A small smile curls my lips, as I realize how much smoother my life may have gone, in my twenties and thirties, had I understood that gentle difference.
Arms wind gently around my waist, pulling me against her still sleep warmed body and I accept her unconditional gesture of love gratefully.
"Rafael?" she whispers, not asking...not directly, just letting me know that she is there for me, opening the door to make it easier for me...
I sigh, nodding my head slowly, reluctantly acknowledging that I am troubled...
"I hate the ones with kids, Liv..." I murmur, echoing something I know we all feel, but my head drops as my words fade out.
I scrub my hand across my face, before kissing her hand lightly, trying to still the fear I am sure my reactions are stirring in her...
I know that once this fear has gained a foothold in your mind, it is very hard to assuage and erase...
She knows my childhood was not an altogether happy one...there are things that have left their mark on the adult, from when I was a child...this does not form one of my scars...but I can only imagine that now, she is wondering...
As our relationship has progressed we have talked and talked, sometimes until it felt like there could be nothing, left unexplored. I have always known so many of the details of both of Lewis' attacks, because I was the prosecutor in her case... and she has told me even more as time has passed, but sometimes, still, despite all my knowledge, I will want a reassurance that she doesn't understand a certain feeling, or that she never experienced something particular...
"No cariño! It is not personal... " I smile sadly, turning in her embrace, allowing her to read my face, convincing her with my openness more than my words.
This has become our own private code, a way of claiming or refusing a feeling or experience without having to explain... We are both very familiar with all the terms of sexual violence, but we have found that sometimes in our personal lives, that language is too harsh, too difficult...sometimes we feel the words are too impersonal, or that they don't say what we need them to. Sometimes, we are not in a position to speak openly, so we have found our own shorthand, our own language... so that even when we are surrounded by people, or have a curious young boy listening, we can talk.
She knows I am telling her, that I am not holding back my own secret, as Reggie had done for so long.
She doesn't hide her relief, tightening the arms wrapped around me quickly. I try to swallow down the fears that assail me as I see how worried my reactions to this case, have left the woman I love...
I shiver uncontrollably as I understand that despite her soothing herself with the belief that I have no personal experiences in this arena for the case to exploit; despite the fact that we have spoken, too many times to count, of our own personal history, some secrets can be incredibly deeply held... as Cassidy has just demonstrated all too clearly.
I know she feels guilt for the relief that is melting her into my body. Every time I see one of our colleagues react particularly strongly to a case, I know I feel bad when I reassure myself in this way, calming the fear that they have experienced something similar. Whether it is Liv, or any of the squad, I hate that I am comforting myself that the reason a case is particularly upsetting, is not because it is eerily familiar to their own personal experience...that they are not hiding their own horrors, seems a perverse thing to be so grateful for.
I stroke my partner's cheek gently, and she leans into my hand, accepting the gesture gratefully.
She is an SVU veteran of 19 years, she has good instincts, She has been known, more than a few times, to intuit truths of past sexual violence that people had not intended to share with her...but that does not mean that those instincts have never failed her, and she was scared.
I am more aware than the average person, of many of the common reactions and effects of sexual assault. I like to think that I am conscious of many subtle warning signs that someone in my personal life has survived something like that...but when you are talking about someone you are very personally close to...it becomes much harder to gain the distance to spot or evaluate any inadvertent hints. I know Liv feels exactly the same...
She felt very guilty for not somehow, instinctively, understanding the extent of the assault that Rollins only obliquely referred to, before Patton raped Detective Taymore... even the "great" Olivia Benson has no patented, infallible, "detector". She doesn't magically just know...
"You are a good man, Rafael..." she tries to reassure me again, "You will do what you can for Reggie. And I am always here to talk..." she accompanies the words with aheartfelt kiss.
I nod quickly, making an intuitive leap, for once, choosing to trust more than my brain..."Liv, will you go talk to Cassidy?"
This causes her to pull back, it was not at all, what she expected me to say, and she frowns as she studies me carefully.
I am very used to the stare she levels at me in work, when she does not understand my intended course of action, so I try to find an approximation of my usual response...but it is unsure and shaky, not the "Trust me! I am right!" that typically meets her wordless query.
"Please? Liv?"
The insecure, pleading addition has her stepping close to me, "Rafael?".
Shit!
The only understanding I managed to find in the sleeplessness of last night was that this is not my story to tell... in SVU I have begun to recognize the power of disclosure. It is an important step in healing; it is taking some control of a situation where there was no chance of any power being wrested back.
I want her to know... I want her to be there for Cassidy...but it cannot be my mouth that reveals his secrets.
"Liv...he needs a friend..."
Her face hardens slightly, I can only assume she believes I am about to fire him, and want her to support him, or prevent him from yet another hot-headed response...and this outcome is not impossible, he may yet, lose his job...but it is not today's worry.
I can see her struggle, between knowing that his behavior means losing his job is a reasonable consequence, and her desire to protect him.
I shrug my shoulders, unable to speak without betraying a confidence I never agreed to keep... perhaps my own struggle is still too clear, for she steps into my arms once more.
"Do what you can for Reggie...you can't save everyone!"
I can only nod my head, emotion choking my throat...she cannot know how incredibly fitting her choice of words are.
"Do you want to shower first?" she asks, gently laying her hand on my heart.
I just gesture to my coffee, taking a long sip, wordlessly relaying that it is my immediate priority this morning.
When she leaves the kitchen I try to ignore the couple of stray tears that slip out, brushing them way quickly. My emotions are nothing compared to what I imagine Cassidy battling with as he realizes, in the cold light of day, what he admitted to me last night.
I'm not sure how he will greet Liv.
Will he assume I have already told her his secret?
Will he go on the offensive to hold the fear, the shame, at bay?
I don't worry that I may have caused irreversible damage to my relationship with him, we barely have a relationship, but Liv gained some real peace from their hurried talk last night, and I know that there is still love there for him. Not a love that I need to feel insecure, or jealous about...but I hope my ham-fisted attempt to push them together doesn't damage their fledgling friendship.
When Liv emerges from our bedroom, showered, her hair done, her makeup bag in hand, I move over beside her as she starts to expertly apply.
"I know I'm being a little... taciturn...Cariño..."
She stops, mascara wand in hand, looking to me questioningly...
"I wish I could...but I can't tell you."
She sighs, muttering a barely discernable "privilege" as she continues her daily make up routine.
"Cassidy needs a friend...I don't think I can help...I don't think he would accept my help..."
She knots her brow slightly, her eyes sliding to meet mine in the mirror...
"You can't allow him to push you away with a hot-headed response..." I add softly, afraid that I am giving her too much information, but more worried that if I send her to him unprepared, he will push her away...
Now she tilts her head quizzically, trying to understand what I am saying.
I'm not sure what she sees in my reflection, but she asks no questions, just nods gently, "He never really likes talking...I won't let him avoid..."
She kisses me softly, showing her trust without any words.
When she is happy with her face, she takes a mouthful of my coffee, savoring it as she glances to the clock.
I nod quickly when she looks to me.
"I've got Noah" I tell her, knowing that she will head straight to Cassidy's before work. I can't help the smile that crosses my lips as I consider the short time I will have with the little boy, listening to him chattering away happily, trying to convince me how playing would be a much better use of our day, instead of school and work...
I really wish I could blow off the day and spend it in the park, lying on the rug in the living room here, eating ice cream...but I can't. Checking my calendar I see that I am not due in court til 11:45am, so maybe I could be a little late...
"Good Morning Noah!" I whisper into the still sleeping child's ear, as I gently rub his head. "Time for sleepy heads to wake up..."
As only a child can, he wakes up with a smile on his face, happy for another day of wonderment and fun.
He is speaking before he is done yawning "M'ning...can we have pancakes? Can we play dinosaurs? Can we..."
I smile widely at him as he rubs his eyes, pushing back the bedclothes.
"Mama is gone to work a little early today, so it's just you and me."
He nods carelessly, and I delight in how accepted I feel by that small gesture...he is quite happy to have only me...
"How bout you brush your teeth and wash your hands and face, while I start on those pancakes?"
At this, he jumps out of bed, running towards the bathroom happy to comply when pancakes are being offered uncharacteristically, on a weekday.
Before he can reach his destination though, he is skidding back to a halt... "Chocolate?" he requests, with what his mom and me have christened, his 'good boy grin'...
"Berry!" I counter, knowing that his mom would not be happy with chocolate pancakes for breakfast on a Thursday, "...with syrup!" I add.
He is more than happy with this concession, despite knowing that his pancakes will definitely contain more fruit than syrup. He runs back to me, throwing his arms around my waist.
Yep I'm definitely going to be a bit late this morning I decide, letting Carmel know as soon as I go back into the kitchen.
A little Noah-time will help distract me...