CASSIDY
I never thought the day would come that I would be sitting here with Liv, her holding my hands, as I told her how I was...molested...as a kid...
The word doesn't even come easily in my own mind.
It's so surreal, that if it weren't for the pounding headache and the strengthening waves of nausea assaulting me, I would firmly believe I was dreaming.
The silence isn't quite as crushing, now, as it was only moments ago, as she tries to take in the massive amount of information I have just thrown at her in very few words...
"I hate that it still bothers me...all those years ago, when I was twelve...it only went on for a couple of months...and still..."
What the fuck was I thinking?
I immediately blame the plentiful amounts of alcohol still coursing through my bloodstream, for my stupidity.
It was one thing, telling her, I had a 'bad experience' when I was a kid, that I never told her about...I spent most of the night drunkenly trying to puzzle out a way of avoiding telling her, but no drunken haze could hide the fact that I had removed that option when I went to Barba and blabbed.
So I passed long periods of last night refining my plan to talk it down, to 'tell her'-sort of...
I even stopped drinking at a point, to try and have my shit together today, so I could pick a time and place...so I could be in control of this fucking conversation...so I could avoid exactly this!
And instead of that, she shows up when I have barely had any sleep, and completely screws it all up by being...Olivia!
I really didn't want her to know...I wanted her to have a vague picture in her head:
A little kid...not an almost-teen;
A stranger, no, a 'weirdo' luring away, a kid too young to know any better, ...not a trusted adult;
A one-time, not too serious, bad experience...not a series of steadily worsening nightmares;
Young Brian fighting back...not silent, teary-eyed, unmoving acceptance;
An immediate disclosure...not months of furtive concealment...
And in one stupid, unthinking sentence I have told her I was old enough to have known better, I allowed a trusted adult to hurt me, not once...but many times, and I didn't really fight back...
The nausea is no longer a background feeling...I think I'm gonna be sick...
I don't even have time to wonder how weak I look, as I lean over the sink, beads of sweat lining my forehead while I throw up my breakfast and what little was in my stomach.
For a moment, the world has shrunk, it is just me, in my apartment, hunched over the sink...but a gentle hand rubbing between my shoulder blades brings me back to reality.
She is standing beside me, dampening a cloth, which she offers me...
I accept it gratefully, also taking the glass of water that follows it...
She leads me over to the couch and takes a seat beside me.
"How are you feeling now?"
I feel rotten, and as the scope of the situation slowly gets clearer in my foggy brain, I just nod noncommittally...
I use the nausea as an excuse to keep my head low, to avoid seeing the disgust she is trying to hide behind her professional concern.
"Brian?"
She gently jostles my arm, as though she has been trying to get my attention for a while...and instinct takes over, I unthinkingly look to the source of the call of my name...
There are tears in her eyes, and she is chewing her lip...I know her too well, I know she is fighting the urge to say something...
My head drops once more, I can't look at her, but there is no gain in prolonging this agony...
"Just say it Liv!" my voice sounds rough and much shakier than I would wish for our last conversation...
I hear her swallow quickly, trying to hold back the tears, but let out the words...
"Bri...I'm so sorry..."
Her voice falters, and I brace for the inevitable...
But it is her hand I feel before I hear any more words, gently rubbing my arm...
I pull away, I can't stand her touching me, I can't let her comfort me, I won't be able to hold myself together when she leaves...and I cannot allow myself to look even weaker...
"I'm sorry...I shouldn't have touched you...not without your permission..." she whispers breathily, the fight with her emotions evident in every word...
"I'm fucking this up so badly Bri...I should be so much better...I hate that you went through that! And I hate that you have kept this secret all your adult-life..."
She is so close that I can feel her head shaking in accompaniment to her words...
There is a moment of silence and then I feel her head rest on my shoulder as she begins to sob openly...
For a moment I'm shocked, Liv is not someone who likes to show her deep emotions, and she doesn't welcome comfort when the tears force their way through her barriers...but the openness disarms me and I find myself turning towards her, my hand gently cupping the back of her head, as tears unexpectedly course down my own cheeks.
Her hand grasps my arm and it feels so right and so wrong, all at the same time.
"I'm sorry Liv..." I start to whisper but she stops me, cupping my cheek...
"You were right, Bri, there was a lot of love and a lot of respect between us...and when Lewis came back, you tried to be there for me, you told me that even though we hadn't worked out as a couple, you wanted to stay my friend...I couldn't let you help me...I understand not being able to open up..."
I can see that she really does understand and I try not to wonder what secrets she has kept from me, from everyone, about what happened with Lewis...
And then it dawns on me...she is still the woman I will always love, but she is different now...
"I'm glad that you're happy now Liv...Barba seems to be good for you..."
I start to pull away, realizing that we should not be so close anymore...she is with someone else now...
"I don't want to cause problems for you with him..."
She quickly shakes her head, smiling, "He is the one who sent me here...he wants to be sure you are okay...he knows that you were an important part of my past, and he wants us to be friends..."
There is a moment when all I can latch onto is the fact that she may still want to be my friend...
And then the darkness snuffs out that glimmer of hope, the little voice inside reminds me that I am no challenge to him, to their relationship...I'm barely a man...what kind of man lets that happen...
My muscles tense under her hand and I shrug her off.
"I don't need someone looking after me!" I rage, stomping away from her...pulling myself as far away from the reminders of my own weakness as I can.
"I'm not another of your victims that needs to be saved...and no one would dare lay a hand on me now!"
I didn't realize I was doing it, but I have pulled myself up to my full height, pushed my chest out, my fists clenched...I am poised for a fight...
I look to her, and although I would never hurt her, and it would destroy me to see her fear me, the fact that she is not even remotely flinching at my display of power...leaves me feeling even weaker...
And then I crumble...I'm upset because the woman I will always love isn't afraid of me?
What kind of a monster am I?
I slide slowly down the wall I didn't even realize was behind me...my arms wrapping around my stomach, as my knees pull up to my chin...
And then I feel her kneeling before me, gathering me in her arms...
"Brian, you were a kid...a 12 year old kid...it wasn't a fair fight...it wasn't supposed to be a fair fight...it doesn't make you weak...not in any way..."
She mutters so many of these things into my hair as she holds me, trying to calm and reassure me...
And then she gently lifts my chin, bringing my eye line to meet hers...
"...it doesn't make you any less of a man..."
She can't hope to stop me pulling my face away.
"Listen to me Bri...I don't know what it feels like to be a man...to have this happen and to worry about all the things that are unique to you, and your gender...but I know what it feels like to feel weak, to feel like you don't meet the criteria anymore...I'm a cop! I've been assaulted twice! What kind of cop is that weak?
What kind of cop needs her partner to save her from being fucked by a perv?
What kind of cop needs to be rescued after more than four days with a psychopath? Beaten, burned, drugged...
What kind of cop?"
I can hear her pain as she pleads with me, the raw emotion in her words, the tears rather than intent breaking her off...
I try to speak but her fingers on my lips silence me.
"This kind of cop!" she whispers...opening the button on her shirt to show me one of the scars that monster left behind...
"This kind of cop, Brian...one who is human...who can handle herself, but didn't get the chance to...I didn't want to admit to being assaulted, the first time...because I thought it meant I couldn't be a cop...
I felt so weak...like if El, or Fin, or any of the guys had been there, they could have handled themselves, when I couldn't..."
I can see how much she means this, how every word is heartfelt, and pure agony, but she continues...
"I thought I was the weak link...and it tore me apart! I never told El...but he knew something had happened...nobody else saw it as my weakness...but it haunted me...
I was black and blue, handcuffed to a fence, alone...with a rapist prison guard...and I thought I was weak because I had run out of ways to fight him...and if Fin hadn't arrived, he was going to rape me..."
She is gasping lightly and tears are rolling down her face and all I can do is shake my head as she falls back onto her heels...
The things she is describing play across my mind as if I had seen them in reality...
Oh my god!
I can picture it too clearly...
"But I was undercover as a prisoner, I got separated from my backup, he wasn't our suspect...he had saved me from the guy we had pegged as the rapist...he stacked everything to make sure he had the upper hand...and by the time I realized how much danger I was in, I was alone and handcuffed...it wasn't a fair fight!"
I can't pull my eyes away from her now...
"When Lewis got me the first time, he held a gun to my head as I walked into my apartment...the second time he had a kid...neither of those were fair fights!"
"I was unlucky..."
"I was targeted..."
"I was ...horribly...abused..."
"but I wasn't weak..."
I shake my head even more resolutely now...
"God, No, Liv...Fuck..."
She nods briefly..."but it felt like my weakness...even now, in my head..."
She is doing what she never could before, she is opening herself up to me...her hand reaches up to touch her forehead...
"I know...but..."
The hand drops to her chest, the finger tracing the scar she had revealed...
"...it doesn't always feel that way..."
I know how hard this is for her, I know her too well to believe for one instant, that this is easy...and if I were in any doubt she is allowing me to see the intensity of her struggle...
She is doing this for me...
I nod...it is the only way of acknowledging the immense gift she is trying to give me...
"I let him Liv...I know I was only a kid...but I let him...what kind of man lets someone...?"
I manage to halt the words before I betray any more secrets.
"It's never that cut and dry..." she croaks, "there's always more to it..."
She leaves it open for me to tell her as much as I want to, rather than asking direct questions that leave me feeling trapped...
"He told me I was special...more mature than the other kids...treated me different..."
She nods sadly...
"Even before...anything...really happened...it felt wrong...but..."
"It wasn't a fair fight Brian..."
This time I shake my head softly..."No...and somehow it was such...a shock..."
Now its her turn to tip her head up and down slightly in agreement..."It doesn't feel real...and even if you could think of running, your body doesn't feel like it could..."
I can't even show my understanding in anything other than the pained grimace and the twinkling tears...
Her hand reaches out to me, grasping mine tightly..."...and your body betrays you even more..."
I think I moan as a sob breaks through my entire body...
She holds my hand as she whispers...
"I spent so many hours terrified that when Lewis finally did it...he would find me wet...he kept taunting me...and hurting me...but at the same time...he touched me...and I was so afraid...he twisted my nipples, and told me they were like that because I wanted him... I spent so long, after, disgusted at my own body...at any sign of arousal..."
The sobs have multiplied and are shaking my body, as I hide my face from her.
"And I was an adult...Brian, I had enjoyed sex...I knew that I didn't enjoy the pain, it wasn't arousing...I knew what my body was doing...I knew what I responded to...I knew it wasn't normal..."
I am battling the memories now...as I started to tell her how he made me feel special, the walls had dropped and I had been sucked back...
I remember that first time...when my body just seemed to stop working...when my mind was overwhelmed by the reality it was confronted with...
I just lay there...
As she tells me about Lewis touching her and using her body's responses against her, I remember the confusion I felt when I was told that I clearly wanted it...
I thought I was...wrong...
She has completely broken down every defense...and now she rubs my back gently...
"Brian...you didn't want it! You did nothing to invite it...and the fact that he chose to target you was not your fault...
You were not weak...
You are not weak now because of it...
You are not less of a man somehow because of it..."
I want to believe her, I really do...she has opened up so much to me...telling me secrets she must have held so tightly...but as I sit sobbing on the floor with my ex trying to comfort me, it would seem like all the evidence is very much to the contrary...I am weak...and much less than a real man...