Thank you to the lovely Amilyn for the beta read, the typo corrections, and mostly for the conversation.

RAFAEL

In the end, as much as I was enjoying my time with Noah, I couldn't forget what Liv was doing as I made pancakes...or played dinosaurs...and soon after 9:30am, a very happy little boy was being left with his adored sitter.

[Liv, I just left Noah happily playing. I'm not in court til nearly midday, if you have time for a coffee? R]

I hit send on the message; it doesn't explicitly refer to this morning's visit. It's a common message between us when we are particularly busy. I don't want to put any pressure on her if she is busy, or doesn't want to talk to me yet, but I need to reach out to her.

My phone quickly rings in response, rather than the message I had expected, and my heart rate increases…..

"Liv, cariño, are you alright?"

A sob greets my query, and I struggle not to openly panic….

"I'm here, mi vida...what can I do for you?"

I hear her taking a few gulping breaths, trying to calm herself enough to speak as I force down the terror that is quickly overtaking me.

"I didn't want...to disturb...you...but...oh god Raf….."

The words are interspersed with sobs and then she once again loses control of her voice….

"I can come pick you up, just tell me where you are, mi corazón?"

In between gasps and sobs, she pushes out the word "home" and I immediately agree, softly telling her how I will ask Lucy to take Noah to the park, assuring her that I can push this morning's hearing to later in the day, and pleading with her not to drive until she is calm…

I keep telling her how much I love her and reminding her that I will be waiting for her in our home, until she calms enough to speak to me.

"I need you to hold me...and talk..." she sighs.

"I didn't want to pressure you..." I try to comfort her, but sensing how conflicted she is, I make no further mention of the situation, merely reminding her to drive safely, I love her, and will be at home…

I had only left our building, so I'm back at our front door in no time.

The key in the door surprises Lucy and Noah, and I find a very energetic little boy launching himself back into my arms demanding that I play, before Lucy can ask if I have forgotten something…

"Lucy, I think Noah would really like to go to the park, play on the swings? And then, because he has been so good, perhaps he would like to get a treat in McDonalds?"

Lucy has been with Liv for so long that she doesn't question this very sudden change of plans, only agrees very enthusiastically, for Noah's benefit as he starts debating what he would like to have in the fast food restaurant he so seldom gets to visit…..

As she herds the excited little boy towards the door, helping him into his coat, she whispers to me "Is Liv alright?". The concern she is masking from Noah is all too evident in her eyes as she looks quickly to me….

I check that Noah is oblivious before answering her quietly "She is very upset...a friend….."

I realise I have no idea how to finish that sentence but Lucy has already heard enough, nodding gently as I press some extra cash into her hand.

"I'll text..." she promises as she pulls the door behind her, and once more I thank whatever deity brought Lucy into Noah and Liv's life.

I try not to pace nervously, once the apartment is quiet, but I seem unable to stop my feet as the kettle starts to heat…

Every second seems to drag as I fight to put my phone down, she is upset, she is very probably angry at me and the last thing she needs is any more pressure...so I try to prepare myself for the tornado that is about to push through the door.

All my best-laid plans count for nothing when the door finally swings open, I cannot control the urge to run to the woman I love. I quickly gather her into my arms as her tears start again.

"Liv..." is all I can say before my own emotion is stealing my voice...

I pull back and look into her eyes, hoping she can somehow understand how hard it was for me to keep such a secret from her... "I couldn't...querida...it was not my secret to tell….."

My words are barely a whisper but she nods gently….

Perhaps it is relief, or perhaps it is finally being free from the binds of such a secret, but a tear slips down my cheek.

"How is he?" I ask.

She just shrugs.

He isn't good. I knew he wouldn't be good...how could he be? But I had hoped that...

There is no way to finish that statement, his world is imploding, and there is little anyone can do to help him at this moment. We can maybe help him to recover, to heal. We can support him as he tries to rebuild...but this, this devastation, he has to feel it before he can move past it. He has spent so much of his life avoiding the shockwave that is now enveloping him, and he is a man who doesn't take help easily…

I clear my throat, taking her hand and leading her to the sofa... "Talk to me?"

She nods slightly, watching me make her favorite tea as she tries to find a way into the conversation.

"He...he came to you? To plead... for Reggie?"

As I carefully sit beside her, I nod, "I don't think he really intended to...tell me…"

She chews her lip, as she tips her head in agreement.

I try to make it a little easier on her... "He didn't say much...it was his 'coach'...his father found out, beat the guy up…"

The tears speeding up on her face are my only acknowledgement, but I know she is listening.

"I kinda jumped on him...didn't give him a chance...started blaming him for torpedoing my case...

I reckon it was the only way he could think of to get through to me...to plead for Reggie...

He told me the kid would suffer for the rest of his life...was already suffering...

Every word made me more… suspicious…"

She is looking at me with such heartbreak, that I don't know if I should tell her, but I can't protect her from this…..

It's yet another thing I can't save her from.

"I said... 'Olivia never told me'."

It doesn't sound right as it leaves my mouth, it sounds clunky, like I'm trying to put distance between us, but I know the exact wording is important. And I know I will never forget the simplicity of the exchange.

At the time it felt important that he know she never betrayed his confidence.

I never once thought that she didn't know…..

She swallows deeply, obviously trying to stuff down the emotion threatening to overwhelm her.

I reach for her, taking the hand that is clasped into a tight fist,"That's how he confirmed it... he told me you didn't know….."

She drops heavily into me, allowing me to hold her as she sobs again.

I try to comfort her as best I can, rubbing her back and head, whispering to her about how much I love her until she pulls back with determination in her eyes.

"I can't believe..." and then she seems to rethink "no. Actually I can...I know how hard it is to say...and he has already spent so many years not saying it...but god, Rafael, he is in such pain...I don't think he really even understands it yet…."

She grasps my hand tightly, stroking the skin softly.

"I'm sorry cariño..." I start to explain "It wasn't my story to tell...I have seen the power disclosure has, he needs to feel he has that in his control….."

I brace for the expected fury, knowing that I will feel her wrath, but hoping she will forgive me in time.

Instead of the wave of rage I expect, she pulls me to her, placing small kisses all over my face.

"You are such a good man, Rafael. You did exactly the right thing! And I love you for the way you sent me to him…"

She can see my surprise, and carefully catches my eye... "I would have liked to know what I was walking into... I mean, I totally fucked up! There was not a sign of my training for most of our conversation...but you did the right thing.

He knows me, he knows he was the one to tell me…"

"Liv, you were there for him, and you will continue to be there for him."

She nods her agreement.

I don't need to know the private details of their conversation and I won't ask, but I need to know what state he is in now, and more importantly what I can do to help.

Before I can ask though, she starts to speak…..

"He really believed I knew...that you had told me.

I just tried to open up to him a little, in the hopes that he would talk to me in return…that's what he said last night, that he knew I would never really open up to him….."

There's an edge of bitterness in her voice, and I worry that it's directed at herself, rather than him, but now is not the time to question it. She needs time to absorb and process rather than being questioned.

"When he….told me…I tried to talk to him…he's not the first guy I've talked through disclosing childhood sexual assault...but he couldn't hear me.

And I kept crying…my training was gone ...I was his ex, his friend…"

"Liv, you weren't there as a cop."

It's a very gentle assertion, but she seems almost surprised by it.

"No. I wasn't there as a cop."

There are a few moments of silence, and tight hugs.

"He's so very angry.

But he doesn't really know what he is angry about...not really, not yet.

He feels so out of control...he kicked me out!

He told me I had done my 'duty'."

I can't help the grimace this brings forward. That is the hothead Brian that is all too familiar.

I can't bear to ask her what we should do next, but it seems the question is all too clear.

"He needs some time...he needs to begin to work through it all...hopefully sober! But pushing him now, will just make him even more defensive…."

I can only nod...it is pretty much what I expected, but I hate to think of the pain the man is in.

I try to imagine how I might feel were I in his shoes...I think I might feel vulnerable, like my secrets are being pulled from me...and something I have heard from almost every male victim, he is likely to feel that his masculinity is somehow decreased...

And I am struck by a thought…

"Liv, would it be ok, do you think, if I were to message Brian?"

She looks at me doubtfully... "I'm not sure Rafael…"

"I was thinking, nearly all of the male victims I have worked with have felt in some way emasculated, that something like this could happen to them…"

She nods to confirm my hypothesis….

"And I am sure he is in almost unquantifiable pain?"

Again she merely confirms my thoughts.

"He cares about you, and now or later he will start to worry about you... I wanted to message him and tell him you are okay, upset for him, but okay. That we both are here, if there is anything we can do."

I can see how dubious she is about my course of action, so I attempt to explain...

"Liv, he feels so vulnerable. And I know, as does he, that you can take care of yourself, but we like to make sure you are looked after, maybe it's slightly antiquated, but man to man...it's a kind of trust….it's primitive... it's why I respected him, all this time...because he was there for you...after Lewis….."

I worry that she will be insulted or not understand what I'm trying to say.

"It's a way of trying to start a conversation as equals rather than anything that could be seen as patronizing."

She nods gently, seemingly understanding that it is an olive branch that perhaps he can grasp without feeling weakened.

I pull her into me, arranging us on the sofa in a very familiar way, me lying on my back with her tucked into my side, her head resting on my chest. My free hand holds my phone, and in an oft practised way, I attempt to type a short message to Cassidy…

[Cassidy, I know you are probably worried about Liv, she is safely at home but very upset to hear what you suffered…..]

At this point I have no idea what to say next…do I possibly stress him out further by mentioning work? He is currently suspended, and will have to face some pretty severe consequences, but I hope to save his job. Actually I firmly believe I can save it, but to that I may need to disclose the mitigating factors to the DA….and I cannot do it without the man's blessing. And I'm not sure how to ask for that….

Do I ask him to answer the phone when Liv calls?

Do I tell him that we want to help?

Do I tell him that Liv wants to help? Is that more familiar or does that read as saying I don't want to help too?

Do I apologise for not reacting as I wish I had?

Do I applaud his bravery in laying himself bare for Reggie?

I am so ill-equipped for this simple text, despite all my training…..

A gentle hand on my face draws it down to meet her wet, red eyes, "What?" She asks in her croaky, raw voice.

The phone gets dropped at my side so that my hand can scrub across my face.

"Even a simple text…..I hardly know where to start….. Jesus, Liv!"

It's not even a sentence, there's no real structure or grammar to it, and there's not enough words to actually make a salient point, and yet she understands me.

"He's such a prickly bastard….." I mutter in desperation. Only to quickly backtrack when my words are greeted by a frown and pursed lips.

"I don't mean that…well, maybe now I understand it a little better…but we never had the best relationship, and even at the best of times, I felt I had to watch my language choice to avoid his fiery temper….."

"You don't have to, Rafael…..I can text him in a bit…"

I softly kiss the top of her head, "I know I don't have to, Liv. I want to. I feel for the man…."

Her eyes search mine out again at my last words, wanting to understand them properly.

"Liv, he was there for you…. He worked these cases…..I can't imagine what it cost him…"

I hate that this sends her into even more body-shaking sobs.

I hate it even more that there is nothing I can do to make this any easier for her….or for him.

So I do what I can, I forget about the phone, devoting both arms into hugging her as tight as I can.

"Liv, I know you already know everything I am about to say, but you couldn't have known. And you can't help him if he won't let you…

You are not Lieutenant Benson here…..here you are Liv, his friend, the woman he loved…

You don't have the luxury of separation, of distance…..

If I'm finding a simple text difficult, I can't imagine how difficult it is for you…"

I try to put myself in her place, trying to imagine how hard it must be. But I can't find a relationship in my past that is comparable to her and Cassidy's. He was there for her after Lewis, she was there when he was nearly shot to death. And perhaps most tellingly, when he was in danger of being charged with murder, when it looked like he had killed the doctor who abused Reggie and his kid brother, it was Liv that Cassidy turned to…and Liv protected him, because she knew he didn't do it.

If I'm honest a little of the anger I directed at her for doing that, was jealousy. Not that I was worried they may rekindle their old relationship, or that she would cheat on me…but that their relationship is so strong. I'm not sure I've ever had a friendship I could turn to in times like that.

Now as I lie cradling the woman I love, with the secret that was distracting me finally revealed, I find my mind wandering to what horrors the man alluded to, when he reluctantly told me of a couple of months at the hands of his Little League coach.

I don't know any more details, and I'm not going to ask for any, my imagination, coupled with my years in SVU leave me little doubt….

I try to replay what I remember of Cassidy's time on the stand, before he lost it. What was it that pushed him?

A trusted adult, a man in a position of power over kids….that has to have been triggering in itself.

The defence was alleging that Cassidy used unnecessary force in his arrest of the doctor…I could never say it out loud but that was no surprise to me, nor was it particularly bothersome to me, except for the implications on my prosecution….I think he dealt with that accusation until….

No!

That's where things started to go wrong. With the benefit of hindsight, I remember wondering what the fuck he was thinking saying the doctor was an animal….how could he be blind to the racial connotations of the statement? Knowing the disregard cops hold for such a criminal, I understood he meant the man's crimes were what made him an animal, subhuman, not his race.

But his rage was simmering before that…

There was nothing before that…

Fuck! The questions about his undercover relationship with a prostitute, and a rape accusation…..

Cassidy was accused of being…

This is too important, I have to share this with Liv.

"Liv. I was just thinking…..when he lost it on the stand….the defense….they brought up his past…..the rape accusation…"

She nods her head slowly….it doesn't seem to be a shock.

Even if I had known, even if I had been trying to protect him, I couldn't have done anything….I had no grounds to object… but in light of the current revelations, it seems almost understandable that the man snapped.

I imagine Liv in his position, sitting on the stand being accused of being 'like that'…..

I have to fight down the nausea, as I think back to the state Liv was in when Lewis was telling a court full of people how she was a 'twisted lonely woman'…..

That implication has been the cause of more nightmares than almost anything else. I know how personal and terrifying that was to her….

When I also consider how I worried about my masculinity, and the potential weapon that my body could become…..I feel like I am beginning to understand how he was pushed into his meltdown on the stand.

I can't do much for him, we're not friends, I can't imagine him opening up to me,

I can't imagine asking him how many times he looked in a mirror the morning after sex, wondering if he was now a rapist….if she didn't want it, but was too scared to stop him.

I'm struck by a moment of clarity; this is what he meant when he said 'every relationship, every time he looks in the mirror' this is what Reggie would be dealing with.

I think about how I feel sometimes, when I'm in bed with this woman. Despite all our talking, and the many times we have been in similar positions, sometimes I still look down and worry that she is afraid….. if I am holding her hands while we are having sex, I sometimes worry that I am holding her down….if she is on top of me, if I am pulling her onto me, am I forcing her to do something she doesn't want?

It's not something I think of every time…..and she is usually very present, which eases my concerns…I don't think she can have sex without being very present…but the thoughts, the worries are still there.

I can only imagine how much more intense and numerous those concerns must be, in Cassidy's position…..

And how long he has been holding all this inside…..

I need something to focus all this feeling into, and I can't imagine being able to prosecute the animal who did this to him. Although I would love to.

I can try to save the man's job. I know how much it means to him, there's no way he would have worked through the demotion back to uniform, and worked with IA to regain his gold shield if it wasn't supremely important to him…I start making mental notes for the case I plan on putting to the DA, mentally writing my arguments.

"Liv, I'm going to speak to the DA….Cassidy shouldn't lose his job…..maybe I can get him off with some desk time, mandatory counselling and a ding on his permanent record"

"He will hate riding a desk and counselling…." She whispers into my chest.

"I know." I mutter, "But he needs the help and the time….."