THE PATCHY GAME!
Note by Tiki:
In case anyone's interested, we (Hoogiman and Tikitikirevenge) wrote this story together. We each took turns to write for three minutes, usually stopping midsentence.
Wait, you don't care. Well, the point is, this makes us somehow loads better than you.
Right.
Oh, and we don't actually own any of the characters here. Neither do you, probably (if you're reading this Nintendo SELL MARIO TO ME!).
2
"Okay," said Zelda. "I've checked upstairs, I've checked downstairs, I've even checked midstairs…"
She waited for Mario to laugh.
"Wasn't that funny?" she said, after a few seconds.
"No-a," said Mario.
"Well, I'm desperate," she said. "Do you have any idea where Donkey Kong or Fox are?"
"Afraid-a not," said Mario.
Kirby walked into the room carrying a large bun that was, coincidentally, about the size of Fox.
"Hi, Kirby," said Zelda, "would you happen to have seen DK or Fox?"
"Noooooo…" said Kirby.
"Help!" said the sandwich.
"Shut up, sandwich," said Kirby.
"Oh, okay," said the sandwich.
"Hmm," said Zelda. "Well, if you see them, tell them I'm looking for them."
"…kay," said Kirby. "Uh, gee tee gee."
"What?" said Zelda.
"Got to go?" said Kirby.
"Right," said Zelda.
"Help!" said the sandwich.
Kirby ran.
"Hello, lost and found?" asked Peach on the telephone.
Nothing happened.
"Hello, lost and found?" asked Peach on the telephone.
Mario walked in.
"Why isn't anything happening?" asked Peach.
"Is it-a because the phone isn't plugged in, you are holding-a phone the wrong way or-a you have not dialled a number at all?" replied Mario.
Peach checked.
"All three," said Peach.
Peach plugged in the phone and dialled a number.
"Hello, lost and found?" asked Peach on the telephone.
"Yes?" replied a voice.
"Do you know where my cat is?" asked Peach.
"Where was the last time you saw your cat?"
"Well, Puddykins was borrowed by the janitor, and I haven't seen him since!" cried Peach.
"Is it because your cat isn't a cat, and really a broom?" asked the voice on the other end.
"Don't be silly!" said Peach. "Of course he's a cat! I have a photo of us together to prove it!"
Mario glanced over Peach's shoulder at the photo of Peach and the broom.
"Walk away-a, Mario," he muttered to himself, walking away.
"Um, okay," said the person on the other end. "We can put out posters. What does he look like?"
"Well, uh," said Peach, "he's got these white dangly bits-"
"Like a tail?" said the person, sounding annoyed.
"Yeah, I think," said Peach. "Lots of white dangly bits, a bit black because he's been getting all dirty, and he has a big wooden handle."
There was a pause on the other end of the line.
"A handle?" repeated the voice on the other end.
"Duh, a handle," said Peach. "So can you find him, please?"
"…that's a mop you're talking about," said the other person.
"Don't be stupid! I'm a princess!" said Peach. "Princesses are too good for mops!"
"Your cat is a mop," repeated the voice flatly.
"Nu-uh," said Peach.
"Uh-huh."
"Nu-uh," said Peach.
"Uh-huh."
"Nu-uh," said Peach.
"Uh-huh."
"Nu-uh," said Peach.
"Uh-huh."
"Nu-uh," said Peach.
"Uh-huh."
Peach hung up.
Marth walked up to Link.
"Ready for the big date?" asked Marth.
"Uh… I guess," said Link, nervously, wearing a tux.
"Are you already wearing your tux?" asked Marth, "It's three in the afternoon!"
"I'm just getting prepared," said Link.
"Really, you think you'll get lucky tonight?" asked Marth, smirking, nudging Link.
"That is rude!" said Link, "Don't talk about my date like that! What's her name?"
"Ji- uh… Jill, yes, Jill," said Marth, laughing.
Roy walked in, laughing.
"Has Link found out about that prank yet?" laughed Roy.
"What prank?" asked Link.
"Uh… uh… uh… uh…" said Roy.
A truck drove in the middle of Roy and Link. Roy grabbed onto it, and rode away.
"What was that all about?" said Link.
Marth snickered. "Don't worry. I'm sure you and 'Jill' will get on just fine. She's just your type, if you know what I mean."
"Oh, good," said Link. "Thanks, Marth, you're a great friend."
Marth burst into laughter and ran out.
"Pikia pi pi," said Pikachu. What he actually meant was "Hey, there," but he was a Pokemon, and everyone knows that Pokemon talk weird because they're weird, so that's what he said.
"Hey, yourself," said Jigglypuff. She glanced at Pikachu. "Did that feel insulting?"
"No, not really," said Pikachu. "Should I feel insulted?"
"Hmm… I guess so," said Jigglypuff. "Maybe I should work on my insultiness."
"Whatcha doing?" said Pikachu.
Jigglypuff pointed at a computer screen. "I've just gotten an online date. Marth and Roy recommended me."
"Oh, okay," said Pikachu. "Who?"
"Some random dude pretending to be a flashy swordsman," said Jigglypuff, "probably just some Psyduck."
"I ordered you a taxi," laughed Roy, pointing outside, "Have fun, loverboy!"
"Oh, I sure will!" said Link.
Link looked at Marth and Roy.
"Why are you snickering?" asked Link.
"Er… not because we set you up on a date with Jig-" said Marth.
Roy covered Marth's mouth.
"Go!" said Marth, "Go get her!"
Jigglypuff and Link were standing together, waiting for their taxis.
"Where are you going out tonight?" asked Link.
"On a date," said Jigglypuff, "With y-"
"Oh, that's really sweet!" said Link, "Aww… do Pokemons have dates too?"
Link muttered under his breath, "Ha, Pokemon dates, what stupid idiots. Haha, who would go on a date with a Pokemon?"
"You," laughed Jigglypuff.
"Haha, don't be silly," said Link.
"I'm not being silly!" said Jigglypuff. "You're going on a date with a Pokemon tonight?"
"Hey," said Link. "That's not really very funny. Not funny at all."
"It's the truth!" said Jigglypuff.
"I bet Marth and Roy told you to say that, just to make me feel like a complete idiot, when actually I'm going on a date with someone who's really hot," said Link.
"No," said Jigglypuff. "Marth and Roy set me up for a date with you!"
"Don't be ridiculous," said Link.
"Okay," said Jigglypuff. "But it's tru-"
"I said…" said Link.
"Lalalala," said Kirby.
"Hi again, Kirby," said Zelda.
Kirby was in the room with a huge sandwich. Which was struggling.
"Weird," said Zelda. "Hey, Kirby, have you seen Fox?"
"I'm here!" cried the sandwich.
"Shut up, sandwich," said Kirby.
"Yeah," said Zelda, "nobody asked you for your opinion."
"Exactly," said Kirby.
"And as a common sandwich," Zelda added, "you should address me as 'Your Majesty'."
Kirby nodded.
"Got a new job, eh?" asked Ganondorf.
"Yep, I got a new job at the new restaurant downtown as a waiter," said Bowser.
"Cool, I also got a new job as a reporter for a Super Smash Brothers gossip magazine!" said Ganondorf.
"Cool," said Bowser. "Hey! You could write a story about me being a waiter and all, and it would be related too, because we can spy on Jigglypuff's date, and Link's date."
"Oh, the gossip!" laughed Ganondorf.
"Zelda, I'm serious! It's us! Fox and Donkey Kong! In a sandwich! And Kirby's trying to eat us! It's really us! Help us Zelda!" said the sandwich.
"Er… you want a bite?" asked Kirby.
Zelda picked up the sandwich, and took a big bite.
"Ow! My leg!" said Fox.
"That's weird," said Zelda. "What kind of sandwich is this?"
"Uh… an… apple sandwich," said Kirby. "With ketchup."
"Right…" said Zelda.
Silence.
"Funny," said Zelda, "this doesn't taste much like apple with ketchup at all. It's almost a bit like… hmm… flesh."
"How would you know what flesh tastes like?" said Kirby.
"I eat people alive," said Zelda.
"Ah," said Kirby.
"Wait…" said Zelda. "Could it be… Fox and DK inside the sandwich?"
"YES!" shouted the sandwich, in a way suspiciously reminiscent of Fox and Donkey Kong.
"No, of course not, silly," said Kirby.
"But it tastes like people!" said Zelda. "And believe me, I recognise people meat!"
"IT'S NOT PEOPLE MEAT!" shouted Kirby.
"It is!" shouted Zelda triumphantly.
"Well, so what if it is?" said Kirby.
"You need more sauce on it," said Zelda. "Then I'd eat it."
"What?" screamed the sandwich.
"Hahaha," laughed Zelda. "Just kidding."
Zelda doubled over in laughter.
Zelda laughed so hard she cried.
Kirby ate the sandwich.
"It seems as if the sandwich was a figure of our imaginations," said Kirby, licking his lips.
"Oh… jolly good," said Zelda.
…
…
"K," said Kirby, walking off.
"Oh yeah?" said Link angrily, at the restaurant, "Well if you really are my date, then you would be giving me a phone call right now!"
"Oh yes, that reminds me, I have to call the phone number that my date Instant Messaged me on the internet dating site," said Jigglypuff, taking out her phone.
Jigglypuff called Link.
"Ah, that must be my date!" said Link.
"…" said Jigglypuff, angrily.
Link answered the phone.
"Hello?" said Link.
"…" said Jigglypuff, angrily.
"Hello?" asked Link.
"Hi," said Jigglypuff.
"Who is this?" asked Link.
"Jigglypuff," said Jigglypuff.
"What a funny prank call," said Link.
"IT'S ME YOU MORON!" shouted Jigglypuff. "EVERYONE, LINK IS ON A DATE WITH ME! LAUGH AT HIM!"
Everybody in the restaurant laughed at Link.
"Hey, why are these people laughing at me?"
"Because you're on a date with a Pokemon, moron!" shouted someone in the crowd.
"That's right," said Jigglypuff, "like I've been telling you."
"No," said Link, laughing.
"Yes," said a waiter.
"NO!" shouted Link angrily.
"Yes," said a television film crew reporter.
"NOOOOO!" shouted Link furiously.
"It's true," said Jigglypuff.
"No?" said Link, shocked.
"Yep," said Marth and Roy.
"No…" said Link, aghast.
"I luve you!" said a Marth fangirl, to Marth.
"NOOOOOOOO!" said Link, despairing.
"We're on a date together!" said Jigglypuff.
"NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUEEEEEEZZZZZZZZ !1" screamed Link angstily.
"Hey," said Ganondorf, "this is some hot news, eh?"
"Yep," said Bowser. "It makes me glad to be a horrific turtle demon."
"I bet it does," said Ganondorf, rubbing Bowser's shell playfully.
"Oh, you naughty thing," said Bowser.
"Yes," said Ganondorf, suavely.
The Next Morning…
Link was asleep.
"Er…" said Master Hand, floating into Link's room, "You better take a look outside, they're camping on the lawn."
"Who's they?" asked Link.
"The people who camped here last night to make fun of you because you dated a Pokemon," said Master Hand.
"As if, they're probably angry at someone else… for their… bad morals… in water usage… and telephone… ing…"
"Give it a rest," said Master Hand angrily, "Everyone knows you dated Jigglypuff, it's on the front cover of a magazine!"
"That's it!" said Link angrily, "I'm going to prove everyone that I can woo any girl that I want! Then I won't be the laughing stock of the town! Right? Right?"
"Er… yeah…" said Master Hand, obviously lying.
"In fact, I'm going to start right now!" said Link.
"Good lord you suck," said Master Hand.
"Pardon me?" said Link.
"Nothing," said Master Hand.
"So it looks as if we can't find Fox anywhere," said Zelda.
"Aw…" said Falco, trying to hide his smile of glee. "I guess he's dead, then. You definitely didn't see him?"
"Yes," said Zelda. "It was horrible. In my panic I imagined that I found him in a sandwich and then I devoured his juicy flesh, bite by bite, moaning softly as I crunched through his brain, delighting in the feasts of the dead and living flesh, and murdering him – alive."
"But it was your imagination," said Falco.
"Yes," said Zelda. "Just a nice – I mean, bad dream."
"Okay," said Falco. "Glad to hear it."
He walked off, muttering something about 'Star Falco'.
"Anyway," said Zelda, "so much for my confessing my undying love to DK, as it appears that he has disappeared too."
"Hey," said Mario, "have you seen Fox?"
"No," said Zelda.
"Good," said Mario.