Saving Grace Chapter 2: I Don't Want To Be, a home & away fanfic

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters mentioned, they are property of Seven. I'm just playing with them for a bit.

Saving Grace is a series of one shots that follow on from one another, depicting the lives of Matilda Hunter and Lucas Holden.

Full Summary: Matilda Hunter is forced to live a life she hates. And loves. Stuck between life and death, she hovers, waiting for someone to come and save her. Waiting for that one moment that will change her life. Lucas Holden has been forgotten for most of his life... for alcohol, for the endless stream of men his mother would bring home. He's told he's special, but he refuses to believe them. What will happen when serendipity takes hold of their lives, and a series of random events lead to one ultimate mistake?

Rated M for drug & alcohol abuse, sexual situations and suicidal thoughts. You have been warned. Do not read further if you are uncomfortable with these things.

Saving Grace

Chapter Two: I Don't Want To Be

She smiled at me. That's the only thing that crossed my mind for the last hour of the class. Her red lips curved gently and she smiled at me. Just for a minute. It had been replayed a thousand times. Her pearly white teeth glimmered in the sun for a moment, her dark eyes creased a little in the corner, her blue eyes opened up a sea of emotions to the world.

And then it was gone. And I was left to wonder what that smile meant. Did she know that I knew? That I knew her, and I understood her? Did she know the secrets of my soul that were hidden deep within the depths of my heart?

Or did she know that she was untouchable to me? That I could only ever look upon her beauty, and never feel my hands on her smooth skin, never feel her body shiver beneath mine. Never cause her pleasure, or pain.

Did she see, in my eyes, the pain I felt at being here, surrounded by people too cruel to be human? The pain I felt at being stuck in a world I hate? The pain I felt in being me?

I don't need to be anything other
Than a prison guard's son
I don't need to be anything other
Than a specialist's son
I don't have to be anyone other
Than the birth of two souls in one
Part of where I'm going, is knowing where I'm coming from

"You're special Luke" My mother had said one morning over Vodka and lime. "There's no one in this world like you. And that's why you've got to go." Her words had been slurred; her body slumped in the deck chair on our balcony that overlooked the gigantic maze that was my backyard. And it was then, at the tender age of ten, that I had my first sip of alcohol. That I had my first taste of what life could be like, numbed from the pain of the world.

Each summer, after I was picked up from school in that smooth black limo, and dropped at the large gates that was my prison home. And every night, after my mother had passed out on Vodka and tonic. I'd sneak a little alcohol, and stash it away, where it would wait for my return to school. I could tolerate my mother, and her drunkenness. The absence of my father never caused many issues in my life. The endless stream of men that had walked out of our house each morning left their own lasting impression.

It was them. At school. I walked down the hallways, and they simply turned their heads. They were the people I needed to block out. This is the place I needed to forget. And so my alcohol stash grew, until that last day of summer, when I kissed my drooling mother on the cheek and walked out of the house with my whole world about to fade away, after a few shots of a substance that would leave me high and dry.

I don't want to be
Anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do
Is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms
Wondering what I've got to do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me

Thus, the evil cycle had created itself. And by seventeen, I had created my own devious, and cunning ways of finding substances that made the days pass quickly. Made the pain… almost bearable. The rest was up to me.

The book I always carried with me, it was filled with scenes depicting beheadings, swords and men slicing one another in two. Human infernos, while I stood on watching everyone else -suffer.

If I had to suffer in this world, they were going to suffer in the next.

I'm surrounded by liars everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by impostors everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by identity crisis everywhere I turn
Am I the only one who noticed?
I can't be the only one who's learned!

"Hey you, weird kid." He said from beside his somewhat, well, orange girlfriend. I groan inwardly before I turn around to face them.

"You rang?" I replied spitefully… sarcastically, but as there isn't a glimmer of recognition on his face, it obviously goes over his head.

"I saw you looking at her." He said, flipping his blonde hair out of his eyes. "I saw the desire cross your eyes. So I'm being a decent person here…"

I scoffed, and he got a sour look on his face. It was like the pole from his butt had just been shoved up that inch higher.

"Look loser, you want my advice or not?"

This, I had to hear, I thought, rolling my eyes and nodding once.

"Stay away from her. She's bad news. Haven't you seen the way her eyes dart around. Its like she's always paranoid 'they' are out to get her. Not to mention, she's a raging alcoholic, and… she uses. And cuts." He said in hushed whispered as his little group gathered around, nodding their eager heads to please the King Shit of the school.

My god, was I surrounded by drones?

"Don't you get it?" I snapped at him, my eyes glaring, making them all back off. "She's got something about her. Something that none of you, with your puny minds, and dear daddy's credit cards, wouldn't understand. She's got life."

"And what do we have?" The orange girl asked, somewhat snarkily.

"You've got a one way ticket to a crappy life. The house, the 3.5 kids, the dog. The unhappy marriage. The kids that are at boarding school. The dad that's having the affair. You're on your way to being miserable. She's already there." I said, shooting them one final look before turning and walking away.

"Don't bother Henry." The orange girl said, "He's obviously not good enough for us. He wants to be like her," she spat venomously.

I bit the retort on the tip of my tongue. They didn't know me. They had no idea about her either. They didn't want to. Because in high school, there were two breeds of children. They were one. We were another.

Later on that night, as I slammed the door to my room, I stalked over to my bedside table and pulled out the flask that was hidden beneath the socks. Taking a long drink, I collapsed into my bed, letting the warm feel of the alcohol seduce me into a state of tranquillity.

Even in my room, I could feel her. And I knew then that I wanted it to be her and me against the world. That I wanted to be the one she lashed out at, the one she cried to, the one she used to make all her pain fade away. If only for a moment.

Because I needed her to be that person for me too. I needed her to crush my fears, to take my hand and pull me away from the darkness that was consuming me in my every waking moment. I needed to be saved.

AN: There we go. Thats Luke for you. I can promise no happy endings. No sunshine and lollipops. Just angst. Thanks to Jess for proofing, and to Anna and Dem for the continued support in making me actually write this story. And to those who reviewed, thanks as well, you're support made me want to continue. Hope you enjoyed guys :)