Title: Head Over Heels
Author: Shinsei Kokoro
Chapter: 22: Unbreakable
Updated: 17th February 2006
Sakura Kinomoto P.O.V
Each day of your life, there is something you always learn.
Ever since I came to Tomoeda. Ever since I met new people here. Life is not just partying, studying, and trying to match your own parents up together. It's not trying to sneak a drink from your dad's liquor cabinet or attempting to wag school just to get a decent private snog with your boyfriend at the movies. It's not even sneaking into the boys toilets when the girls' ones are all full.
Your life is the moment you look up in the sky and see the sun rise and fall. Feel the rain drop on your face. The snow burn it.
You learn. You suffer. And you conquer. But sometimes, you fail. You fall right down on your face. And it hurts.
There has always been only one clear motive to our lives. To survive. I suppose it's the only thing that keeps us going sometimes. The will to make the most of what we have, and the will to encourage people in doing the same.
We forget the major situations in life occasionally. We forget that as humans we have to live up to a particular standard.
To face up with challenges.
To get back up when you fall.
Make the most of every situation.
And at times, to admit defeat.
Because at that point, you've just about had enough. So sick of everything. So mindless.
How many times can I feel so alone and suffocated?
And how many times should I feel this pain?
I don't deserve all of this. I don't deserve to be put through something as brutal as this. I'm human. And how much torture can a human take?
Our existence is like a never-ending rollercoaster. A ride in which you keep getting dizzy and keep puking. Something that just won't stop to free you. Something that holds onto you, clinging and stalking you.
It's a horrible thought.
But now I know better.
Just one wrong step. Just one wrong turn on that rollercoaster and that's it.
That's all it takes to suck your life away.
That's all it takes to know that in the end, there's nothing else that matters more than seeing, breathing, hearing and knowing that you're a part of the world. Knowing that you're part of someone's thought. Someone's beliefs. Someone's heart.
I wonder if Syaoran knew that.
I wonder if he knew that every time I think of how his cold fingers felt, I die for a second. But I'm alive the next. Reliving the same horror by seeing his peaceful face taunt me. His stiff body in my grasp every time I close my eyes.
I wonder if he knows how many times I've cried because of him. How many times I've craved to just hold him and apologize for my mistake.
How many times I have wished I could redo the past few months.
But most wishes can't be granted.
"Sakura?" I felt Meiling poke my arm, but I didn't look up. I didn't want to show her my face. "Do you want to call your family? To tell them that you're here or something?" My head shook without my consent, and I heard her sigh, "Do you wanna go for a walk?" I'm not sure how she even got the courage to speak in a situation like this. I'm not sure how she could bare looking at me at all.
Because all I could do, was remember the past few hours. Meiling and Yamazaki shaking his cold body. The ambulance coming. Nurses in the emergency asking for his parents or guardians. Doctors asking what Syaoran was on. What drug had he taken last. What had he done. What had he said. And how his eyes had never opened. And then, when the doctors hadn't come out that door for another half hour, I had lost the blood in my brains. I hadn't heard them speak to Meiling. I hadn't heard anything other than their first word.
"Sorry."
I don't know how just one word was enough to make my nerves bleed. That one little word. It made me stop breathing.
We were in a hospital waiting room and the lights were so dim that it still felt as thought it were night. But it was eight in the morning and we had been there for roughly two hours, my back numb from being in the same position for too long. But I couldn't feel anything. Is that possible? To not feel anything? To not be aware of your surroundings? To be stuck somewhere dark and cold, where the only way out is to look into the eyes of a boy whose life I've snatched away?
How could I go for a walk when I couldn't trust myself with what I'd do if I were truly awake? How could I move a single muscle when all I felt like doing was sticking my head inside a toilet and throwing up? Just to get the nausea out of my chest. Just to get my frozen insides to warm up again. But there was no bile that would rise.
My head shook again, and this time Meiling whimpered, "Please?"
One side glance at her, and I couldn't refuse her tear-stained face. "I'm sorry." Meiling looked so small in between these walls, that for a second she reminded me of Tomoyo. Sniveling and witless. Unable to bring out that rigid exterior.
"Come on." Her sniff altered into a rough grunt and she pulled me up by my arm, "I need a walk. I can't sit here."
I stood up funny. Stumbled for a few seconds, then when she grabbed my shoulder firmly, I gave her one clear look. Her eyes were as red as her cheeks. I broke apart before I could take another step. The flood gates around my eyes shattered into so many pieces that all I could see were her blurry eyes. It wasn't the first time.
Wishes are just motivators. Something stupid that keeps stupid people going. Wishes are incoherent thoughts. The deepest of your desires where you know they won't be granted. That's why they are wishes. People know they're imaginary. People know they are stupid. A waste of time. Complete rubbish.
"Stop." Her mutter managed to get to my ears, and I couldn't help but cry harder.
But would it hurt for just one wish to come true?
"I can't."
Just one.
Lord, just one. I promise never to make another one. I promise if you grant me this one wish, I'll never wish for anything else as long as I live. I swear god. Just one measly wish.
"He'll get up." Her voice sounded unsure, and she twisted her fingers in mine, "You just watch." Her whisper was rough, "He'll get up." And all I could do was hold her, hoping I would see an angel in her eyes.
Make it come true. Please!
Wake him up.
Wake him up for me.
Because he couldn't die.
He can't die. If…if you make him die…I would never forgive you. I would never talk to you. I would hate you God. I would hate you forever, I would hate you with every fiber in me!
If he dies, I would never forgive myself. Never.
So he can't. He can't leave me here. Hanging by the image of his face. Hanging by his small smile. Hanging by the fact, that it's me to blame. That it's all my fault.
"Sakura." Meiling was wrenching me back and forward, tears in her own eyes, "He'll get up. He will." Her eyes were distant , "Or I'll kick his ass."
I nodded vehemently, a hand clutched to my crucifix, and the other wiping away the tears that wouldn't quit falling. God, if you're up there. Help him.
"He's here." Her eyes were glazed, and she talked as if she were comforting herself, "The doctors will take care of him. He'll…" her voice shuddered, "He'll be fine."
Will he?
Will he wake up?
Will he ever laugh?
Ever swear at me?
Ever hold my hair tight and breathe into it?
Will I ever see his endless eyes again? Filled with so much pain. So much arrogance. So much bitchiness. Will his lips ever touch mine and whisper sweet words in my ear?
"Sakura!" This time Meiling's grip tightened and I felt her need to pass out anger, "He's just asleep. Not dead. Okay?" a tear escaped from her crimson eyes, and I felt pain overwhelming my numbed skin.
But he wasn't asleep.
Asleep people moved. But he never moved. In two hours, he hadn't moved an inch from his coma.
He hadn't opened his eyes.
And I think, as every second ticked by. As every thought of him swam across…I was loosing my sanity bit by bit.
Syaoran Li P.O.V
It was hard being a kid.
I dunno why, but it's suddenly all coming back to me. These memories. You know, those ones that you keep locked away from your main brain. All these times that I used to run to my room, or up to the roof just so no one would see me cry. I can remember each and every pitiful scene of my fucking childhood. That is, if I was ever even a sodding child.
My four sisters were older and even wackier. I was the only boy and way younger than them. Apparently, when I was born, there had been this sort of celebration. My sisters used to tell me how the family was so proud of me. But for what? For being a guy. For being able to carry out the true Li name. That was the real reason why I was born. No other special explanation. I was born to be cursed. To be used. And to be nothing but a puppet.
I was four when my father first slapped me for scattering my toys. Six when he belted me for disobeying. Nine when he would send me to my room, my face scarred with bruises and blisters on my back. When I used to run up the stairs, the maids used to be busy cleaning away the blood splatters behind me.
And even then, I kept coming back for more. I don't know for what fucking reason, but I loved him. Is that even possible? To admire someone who's the sickest of bastards?
He was everything I wanted to be. Stoic. Composed. Strong. Respected. A man who was flawless without shit to hold him back. He was rollin' in money, no one spat at his face and most importantly, he had control. So much bleeding control.
My life was planned day for day. Every thing I did was scheduled. Every one I met. Every where I went. My future was so planned to the point that I once heard my father discussing about who would be my 'potential' wife on day. I mean, I was freaking nine!
We were the Li clan. One of the most manipulative. Father had owned companies, piles of shares, so many responsibilities. And in years, they were to be mine. They were to be my responsibilities.
As the only cursed son, I had to be best. I had to the get the best grades. Have the best manners. The best personality. Even have the best control over my anger. I had to be the best blimmin' dog whose leash he never let go off. He was an asshole. On my tenth birthday, when he had last belted me, I had punched him back. I don't know how much strength a ten year old might have, but I had screwed with him.
And he never let me forget it even once.
I could never remember a day when he had praised me for getting the highest in class. Congratulated me for winning my kung fu matches. Or even fucking smiled at me for being the perfect host, with the perfect manners and perfect self-ironed clothes. There was never a time he had ever been whatever a father was supposed to be.
On my tenth birthday, when I had smashed him back, that was the day I had given up. Given up to look in his eyes and see my idol. Given up to even try being the man he wanted me to be. I had had enough of being used through and through, like some goddamn rag.
He wasn't an idol anymore. He was a load of shit. I started to see him for real. For the true nasty fuckshit he was. See the way he snapped at servants. Ignore my sisters. Look down upon my mother for even the slightest of mistakes. I hadn't quite understood the full meaning of having an 'affair' and when I did, I also found out that he had done it all when I was still an embryo. I didn't know what made my mother even stay with him. Damn, probably for the house…and even more for the money.
But I was the worse. I was never good enough, and at that point, I knew I would never be good enough. When my Dad made me fly to Japan with Wei my butler, it was supposed to provide me with independence. It was my punishment. To be abandoned. It was supposed to show me the true crap of life. Make me learn more about self and responsibilities. He had dumped me in some foreign land. But the second I stepped into Tomoeda, I knew it.
I was free.
I was free from him! Free from being trashed around. From being worked. From being laughed at behind my back. Free from my old past.
I had my own life in my fists again, and it was my doing. No one else's. It was my life. My own very life that only I could control. And nobody else.
That's when it all happened. Loosing shares, being doubled by his own partner, and dropping company after company. My father had his own shit coming to bite him back in the ass. And then he got sick. Depression. Blood pressure. No self-control. Ha!
Instead of following my every move of what I did in Japan and who I made friends with, he had his hands too full. Mother called once in a while, and so did my sisters and uncles. But he was too bothered with his stuff to give about whatever I was up to.
I swear, I had never felt so fucking free before. Never felt so happy. And I loved each and every second of it.
I was ready to make my own new life. And it sure was wild.
But for some reason, every time I think of him, it's not the bad stuff that comes into my mind. It's the day, when I was five and he was showing me off to a couple of his colleagues. That's the day I remember. This is what he had said. And I can remember it so well. It's like someone has taken a stone and carved it into my head.
"One of these days, this boy is going to make me so proud."
Shit. That's what he got. He suicided, and now I know how weak he was. But I suppose being weak makes you do things like that. I remember mother telling me over the phone what he had told her last. "I've lost everything. Everything I've had. My work. My family. My life. I've lost it all." She had cried repeating those words to me. At that point I knew she had also been making an attempt to make me come back to her. But I couldn't.
That day when the police had caught me drunk outside the club, I knew I could never go back to that place. That mansion where everywhere I would look, I knew I would see my father. If I went into my room, I would see him with his belt in hand, his face cold and so straight.
That's how much I missed him. And hated him. And loved him. I mean, I guess it's alright, 'cause I've heard a parent can't really hate their child and nor can a child. Maybe my father didn't exactly hate me all those years I was with him, but I'd rather be without those memories.
I would rather have a few better memories of him. But all in all, there's just one. And I'm gonna keep it with me no matter where I go.
It's all I've got from a shitty childhood.
One of these days, this boy is going to make me so proud. My own son. My own blood.
Sakura Kinomoto P.O.V
It was the fourth hour. I hadn't moved from my chair. I hadn't called home. And I hadn't stopped praying.
The doctors were whispering again. That's how it felt anyway.
I could hear nothing but their strained voices, each of them with worry lines. Meiling was nodding every now and then, tears falling freely, and then clenching her own head.
I was seeing a mental picture unfold before me. I was seeing a hard-headed girl I knew break down. I was feeling my own heart break again and again. I was feeling this coldness behind my neck. Almost strangling. Blocking my air supply.
Shaking my head, I tried to make out the words.
"…when he'll wake…"
"…hard to tell…overdose…"
"…assume…cocaine…nasty…addiction..."
"…symptoms…strong…"
"…life-support…five months…"
"…family…"
"…maybe he'll hear something…"
"…can do is wait…sorry…sorry….sorry…sorry…"
And that was all I heard. That was all I needed to make myself stop the screaming inside my head. I scrambled up from my chair as the doctors moved past Meiling. I picked myself up before I could fall. Pushing myself past chairs and a close wall, I turned the corner.
"Syaoran!" the scream belted out of me, and I heard my earsplitting footsteps. They turned and I waited, "Is he awake?" and waited.
"Sakura." I felt Meiling's hand on me, but my eyes were only on the doctors. She had said they would take care of him. She had said that they would make him fine. That he would open his eyes and start swearing again. Asking for a smoke. Asking for a beer. Asking to make some decent dinner for once. Meiling had promised me!
"I-Is Syaoran awake?" I didn't take my eyes off them. But I didn't miss the pity. I didn't miss their faces. Then without answering, each pushed through the door, "Tell me!"
I whirled around to grab Meiling, "Is he awake!" My head throbbed. My eyes leaked. And I squeezed her, "Meiling?" Her gaze was smoldering and it didn't stop from staring at me.
Her tears fell past her jaw, and I reached out for an answer in her scarlet eyes, "Please." I pleaded. Seeing the tears continue to fall turned my legs wobbly, "Tell me…" my whisper was so silent, "Tell me he's fine…" I almost couldn't hear myself.
"Not yet." I didn't hear her the first time. She was almost as quiet as me. "He's still in a coma. They've put him in the ICU and they're taking a few tests. And they still want to see through him...so it'll be a while before we get to see him."
I hit the floor the second I heard her words. My hands came to my face the moment the tears came falling harder. But they were silent.
As silent as the entire world felt to me.
As silent as Meiling's voice felt.
As silent as her yells felt.
As silent as Syaoran felt the first time I saw him this morning.
So quiet.
Like there was nothing alive.
Like there were no hearts beating.
No children playing in parks.
No music in clubs.
No traffic.
No one in the world.
Like…like I was the only one. Sitting. Searching. And so blinded by the darkness. The same darkness that was veiling over my Syaoran. The same darkness that he hovered in.
And I couldn't see him. Like he was lost…forever. Like he was dead.
Syaoran Li P.O.V
Believe it or not, my first date was when I was eleven.
Fuck. Now that I think about it, I was such a goddamn stud. My entire elementary school knew me. Heh. I was rich. Sporty. Had the looks. The brains. The charm. I could get every teacher onto my side. They loved me. Each and every one of them. The perfect student. The perfect boyfriend. Boy was I good.
And that's not it. They praised me. The teachers would recommend every student to be like me. Even non-single girls preferred me. Even older girls winked my way when I used to bike down my street. Hell, life was good.
Then when I was twelve, it changed a little.
I was two-timing some slut with this really cocky girl. I had forgotten to give a report in. And I had broken into a fight for some cheat the players thought I pulled in our soccer semi-finals. I mean, all I'd done was trip a guy up. But even then the coach used to kiss the ground I walked on.
Jeez. That's also when I got my first detention. And it wasn't that bad. Now that I think 'bout it, it was pretty alright. That was where I first met Yamazaki. Making paper cranes out of all things. Shiroi was next to him and he was throwing paper planes around. When one hit me, I was ready to tear it into pieces. But the second I caught his cheeky smirk, I grabbed the plane and smacked it right back at him. It hit him in the eye. That's why his eye twitches every time he laughs a little too hard.
That's how us three met. The three friggin' musketeers.
Yamazaki was sort of a dweeb back then. High rider. Pinstripe shirts. And short, extremely neat combed hair. He was a hardout nerd, always smiling with his eyes closed. Sort of freaky, but Shiroi on the other hand was different.
He was a wannabe from the start. Poor family but covering it up with his style. I remember when he used to have this fucked up habit of snorting like a pig. I used to mock him bad for that, but he outgrew it. I think it's 'cause I always managed to make him red around the girls.
Then came the drugs one day. And then came high school. We all changed during that summer.
Yamazaki became depressed with his family problems. Shiroi lost himself in his booze and joints. And I went from a stud to a junkie. That was also the year Meiling followed me here.
Sanron had been a fucking hellish school from the start. The rules were the lamest thing I had ever heard off, and during our first year, none of us really cared too much.
Then the seniors started playing their shit. Their bad-ass attitude. And their attacks.
It was pathetic at first.
I mean, it was like we were already grouped in these cliques before we had a chance to even make up our minds. What was it? Some sort of a Hitler concentration camp? As far as I knew, it was a goddamn prissy school.
On my second week there, I got a wicked hiding while crossing the halls once. They nearly broke my nose. Gave me a black eye. And I couldn't move my fingers properly for weeks. It was real nasty. I hadn't expected it, but one of these 'outcast' guys had saved my ass. Even though I hadn't realized it, they had known I was part of them. Y'know? Like some sort of a fucking telepathy? Man, I swear, there was nothing that could ever be freakier than that.
It's like they had my back even before they knew my details. That was just twisted.
But even if there was some prick swearing at me in the classrooms or someone tripping me up in the hallway, Yamazaki and Shiroi stuck with me. Nerdy Yamazaki went to not give a shit, and shy Shiroi went to ogle every damn girl who had a rack and a rear. I remember when he had gone back to chatting up one of his exs from our elementary, Rika something. The next knew thing he knew, he was limping with blood dripping down his nose. Poor guy. Never had a decent girl ever since then.
A year had passed, and I was still getting used to being thrown dirty looks and sworn at when getting my books from my locker. Random punks wanting to smash my face. And that's when I couldn't stand it any longer.
I mean, if they wanted a fight, I would give them a pretty kiss-ass hiding. I was happy to break bones and twist their wrists. I was happy for some good payback.
Then this twelfth grader starter talking to me. Inari Nakamura. Pretty decent guy but heavy into his business. When I first bought my crack from him, we sort of hit it off. He would call me to these raves and tell me who was right to deal with and who were bullshitters. He got me around with the people he thought I'd be able to call my own.
I guess you always need guys like these to guide you along the way. He was also the one to show me another set of apartment 'cause my old one was surrounded by old business men who would glare at me in the elevator for all the parties I had.
Then Inari was murdered during the summer holidays.
It wasn't any sort of a big deal because people hardly knew him, and those who did, thought he was an ass and had it coming for ages. But to me…he was a good guy. Decent.
I don't think he deserved to be shot through his head just 'cause he hadn't being dealing fairly. I remember him telling me how he had been down on money and all, and even then, he hadn't asked for any to be borrowed. And he knew for sure that I was loaded. He had been a pretty straight guy, all on his own and not dependant on anyone.
So even if you're some rich pansy, but you're dealing with crack, you're sure to have a short life. That's what I learned from him. You can be alive one second and dead the next. The police won't help. The government won't say shit, because in their eyes you're just as bad. Sucky eh?
That's why I never got into dealing, or I'd be making some real good stash right under my ass. But I don't regret it.
I think Inari's death was a good enough lesson. And there's something he used to always tell me. Every time we would be snorting his coke, and he used to let his girl get busy with corn-braiding his hair.
When you get into shit, it's up to your ass to get outta it. Out there, no one likes to help. It's all up to you to make your own fucking place.
That's what I go by. His motto. Because as far as I know, I've been a loner my entire life.
Sakura Kinomoto P.O.V
It was about midday.
My eyes felt weary, as if they were bleeding from the corners. I was barely aware of the arm of my chair jutting against my elbow, little jolts of pain helping me connect to the world settling around me.
People came pouring in and out. Flowers got changed and rearranged. A few toddlers crawled around. But me and Meiling never let go of each other. I clutched her wrist like as if she were my only lifeline. As if the second the doctors would come to her, we would go running to meet Syaoran. And he would be there, sitting up on his bed, smiling softly and then frowning at how we would baby over him.
I had waited for hours for that moment. And it never came.
But Meiling hadn't stopped talking. When I took the chance to glance at her, I could see her lips moving, babbling nonsense to me and my ears ever so slightly aware of her words.
"I knew this was going to happen." Her voice would shake a little then continue, "One day, I knew something horrible like this would happen. God. I just knew it."
I didn't ask for explanations, and she went to do just that.
"He should have listened. He should have listened when he had the chance. But…fuck! He's so bloody stubborn! He…he's so stupid. Such an idiot."
Her soft cries were like a dagger striking across my skin; reopening the wounds whenever they would have a chance to heal. She never stopped.
"He shouldn't have come here. Uncle shouldn't have sent him…then…then all this would never have happened. He should have just gone back."
I was aching, and the melancholy in her tainted words didn't stop the ache any more. They just increased ten fold.
"If uncle would have been here, he would have known what to do. But he has no one here."
No one? Were we not enough? Were our tears not enough to call Syaoran back?
"I have to tell Aunty. I don't have a choice. I-I have to tell Aunty everything. No matter how much they'll all hate us. They have to know now."
I didn't ask her to elaborate. I could barely lift my eyes, and when I could, I would see hers glazed over, talking into space and visitors just watching and listening discreetly.
But it wasn't her voice I wanted to hear. I wanted to hear my Syaoran. Hear him growl and snarl. Hear him laugh humorlessly. Hear his deep voice that would send shivers down my back.
At that point, I believe there has never been anything I've ever wanted more than this. A desperate wish Lord. For this boy to be saved. My Syaoran Li. This boy who could send a million of emotions by just looking at me. A boy who hadn't been out of my mind once for so many months. A boy that was making my entire body retch without his presence.
"I'll have to tell them." And then with giving my hand a tight squeeze, Meiling was getting up and walking off. She was almost half-running and I looked at her back until it disappeared around the corner.
I would wait here. However long it may take Syaoran to wake, I'll wait here for him. So when he wakes up I can be the first one to look into his eyes.
I'll wait. Because God wound never abandon anyone in need. He's up there watching me and my Syaoran. And he'll wake him up.
I just know it.
Syaoran Li P.O.V
I come from the weirdest of all families. No I'm not pulling no one's leg. The rich families are the ones who're the extra-looniest. They've got mad issues.
My clan probably tops being the weirdest in all of Hong Kong. Sure I haven't been there for years and I never want to, but there are some quite wacky superstitions.
I've heard the Li's have never actually fallen in love. For the exception of my youngest sister I think. She eloped in Taiwan. Just for the sake of it.
No. I'm not making me sound like some soppy twig, but it's something I've been thinking about. Out of pure curiosity. Honestly.
I guess, it's sort of true. I mean, all I feel is…like a wanting. Like y'know how sometimes you get this strange craving for your favorite food. Lust. That's all I ever felt for girls. Maybe it's another one of those Li curses. We can probably never fall in love.
As in, my Mother obviously fell in love with Father's money first…and then his house…and then maybe him, when he got even richer. She's a Li by being some very distant cousin of my father's and it's obviously in her blood. My two sisters love the idea of having some poor guy at their service, being the bum boy and all. Another loves the fact that her husband's in the navy and he's never around to see her flounce his money. And my fourth sister…she probably just eloped the sorry-ass guy just for the love of rebelling for once in her life. They were all home-schooled, so I can sort of feel for them.
Yes, that is as far as the word 'love' ever gets in our family.
You get used to it. I mean, I don't see the entire town around me in love or anything. Most of them are having affairs, attempting to get over a break-up or maybe even too chicken to ask somebody out. And I fit in here. With the misfits. Yes it annoys me to the end of a fucking toilet seeing these cuddly couples making out at bus-stops and spending hours on the bloody porch just to flipping say goodnight even when they'll get to see each other the next day anyway. I mean, don't they ever get bored? The same person. The same cuddling. The same person to kiss over and over again.
But I guess not. I know I'm not in love or anything near to something as corny as that, but there's something about Sakura Kinomoto that's makes me wanna make out with her day and night. To keep her away from the assholes at our school or just anyone in fact from even checking out the little skirts that she started wearing. That makes me wanna throw up. Imagining someone making out with her. Hiiragizawa. Van. Or any made-up guy.
But I don't know what it's called. This…feeling thingy. Something more than lust.
She's seen me be a bastard. A loser. A wimp. A cheater. She's seen me when I'm weak. So pathetic that I was unable to stand up by myself. So pathetic that she had to wipe vomit off my face and fan my sweat away.
Who the heck does all of that when I've treated her like shit?
What kind of a girl would do that for me?
Other than her.
This stupid, naïve, stubborn…and idiotic bitch. This girl who kept coming back for me.
I can't hate you. That's what she had said. Without even thinking about it. Just like that. This girl who had somehow managed to worm around me had made me feel like a happy sap by just those words. Shit. Fucking shit.
She was…so innocent. So decent. So refreshing and…I don't know. I don't know how I'd describe her. But she was like an entire package deal. With all sorts of attitudes. This girl who didn't give a damn about me or what I was.
And every time I picture her face in this darkness, I can hear her words, followed by her soft lips kissing me. Something no one has ever told me before.
You don't need to improve. Never. Ever.
And just like that, I knew I would always want her to be mine. To know that there was one person in this fucked up world who wouldn't need me to improve. Someone who would except me just like that. I remember the first time I met her, by our lockers. I remember the first time I kissed her. Those quick minutes we spent in the Resource room. They were so long ago, but just thinking about it, makes it feel like yesterday.
When I wake up, the first thing I want to do is kiss her and keep her in this apartment for a good few days. I mean, we need some time to catch up and all. And what's better than asking her to stay with me for a while?
Sakura Kinomoto P.O.V
It was past three when Meiling came back.
I almost didn't notice her. But when the trembling continued, I couldn't help but stare at her, "Meiling?"
She didn't look up for a long time, and when she did, I felt my fingers reaching out for hers, "I told Aunty." Her whisper was raw and hot. Her eyes were glazing and her face flushed and a battlefield of mascara trails.
We sat there for a long time, my mind unable to make out what she had said.
But her next words shifted the bones inside of me, "And I called up your home…your Dad's coming."
I looked at nothing but a particular smudgy spot beside my shoes. I shouldn't be surprised. It shouldn't be a problem. Dad coming I mean. Yes, he would yell. He would ground me. He would take me back home.
But I wasn't going to move from this seat.
"Why?" the words came from my mouth unmonitored.
"Because…" she said slowly, "I…I just don't want any of this pretending anymore. So fucking…sick of it." She had to know. She had to bloody know. Nothing coming from her was making any sense to me!
"Meiling…" my tone shook highly. I wanted her to freaking make sense around me! I wanted the shaking in my feet to stop. Just stop. I wanted at least one goddamn thing in my life to make sense to me.
"But that's nothing…" she gripped the fabric on her knees tight, "We've been pretending for years…" Her tears were nothing like mine. She was quiet. Her tears were quiet. And they didn't stop falling even for a second. "And it's time we paid for it…S-Syaoran will understand…he'll understand. It'll all be okay. He'll be okay. Aunty will make sure."
I tuned her out slowly.
It was cruel of me, but the moment the name Syaoran fell from her lips, that was the exact same moment his cold lifeless face flashed in front of my eyes.
Pulling my knees against my chest, I sat there awaiting my Dad.
I just wanted someone to hold me tight…and never let me go. I wanted someone to help me see and hear properly. I wanted my Daddy.
I don't know why, but the second I caught sight of him and Touya just by the reception desk, I tore away, choking and sobbing suddenly at the same time. I threw myself at him.
And he caught me.
We stood at that spot for so long. They were asking questions, and I answered only by crying.
What could I tell them?
What should I tell them?
I felt so lost all of a sudden. They wanted answers and I didn't have any. I didn't know where to start. I didn't know where to end.
But no. No.
I didn't want there to be an ending. No way.
Syaoran would wake up soon.
So there would be no need for an ending.
I didn't realize Meiling behind me until I felt her touch my back. And when I looked back at Dad and Touya, I knew she would help me. She would help me explain. Explain this from the start.
Daddy didn't let me go, even as we sat on the chairs. I held him tight, my face in his shirt and aware of Touya's rough hand holding mine.
And just like that. Just like that, I knew everything would be fine. I had my Lord, my family and my own heart. And they told me, everything would soon be fine. I would keep faith.
Syaoran Li P.O.V
I've always been a loner.
Yeah, I have friends, some really good ones too, but this loneliness is even around them. And I think I like it much better this way. Because when you're alone, no one can hurt you.
When you're alone, no one can jack you around.
But sometimes I guess, it gets to me. Fuck. I suppose it gets to just about everyone.
And man…it hurts. I'm no wimp shit…but it's no fun being alone. It's no fun at all. When I'm high, it changes though. At that point I don't care. I mean, I suppose that's what drugs are supposed to do, but when you get up the next day…it all comes back.
Because once again, I'm all fucking alone.
Sakura Kinomoto P.O.V
We were still in the waiting room chairs. And Dad was still sitting by me, talking to both Meiling and me. Touya had gone to get us something to eat, and when he got back, I couldn't get anything down my throat. He wouldn't stop staring at me, and I guess even he was a little surprised with the way this had turned out. He looked almost uncomfortable. Like he didn't know what to say.
Meiling had fallen back into her corner, and my eyes were still on the smudge beside my shoes. While Meiling had started talking, I had filled in everything in the middle. Dad's expressions didn't change when I told him about my lie. About how I had spent the entire night with a boy. About how I couldn't stay way from him no matter what. And now, Dad was just listing of some over-dose symptoms to himself. The doctors had come in a little while ago, and he had volunteered to talk to them.
They talked for a long time. About cocaine overdose.
God. It hadn't hit me as hard before…but now. Now that's all I could think about. Cocaine overdose. It was real.
It wasn't some show on TV or a movie or a documentary. This was real. Too real. Syaoran was in a coma become of an overdose.
I've heard people turn to drugs when they're at their weakest. When they want to feel lighter and happier. When everything in their life has drained them away and all they want is one small fleeting moment of happiness.
Was that what Syaoran wanted? Was he weak? And depressed? Wasn't he happy?
In all those days when I was with him, it had never occurred to me. I sort of had an idea about it…that he smoked and I had heard stuff about him from Eriol and Rika. But this was something I had never expected. He was an addict.
An addict. A drug addict.
And I never knew enough to talk to him about it. All those times I kissed him, fought with him, attempted to ignore him, and dream about him day and night, it just never struck me.
Syaoran Li was a drug addict.
The words kept playing in my head…like a little puzzle. It was tearing my down. And then…I thought of yesterday again.
Chest pains. Lack of sleep. Fever. Cold sweats. Vomiting. Coma. They were symptoms. Symptoms of cocaine overdose. And from what Meiling had told me, it had been happening for a long time.
Did…did that mean that he knew? Did that mean that Syaoran knew what was happening to him? That he was going to end up like this? He hadn't wanted to see a doctor…so did that mean…that he wanted…to end up like this?
No.
No.
It couldn't be.
It just couldn't be.
Maybe…maybe he didn't know exactly. Maybe he was just scared. Maybe he didn't want to know what was really happening to him. Anything was possible.
But…but I don't think someone like Syaoran would know he was dying slowly. He would have done something about it if he had known. I know it. I know it for sure.
"Sakura?" I shuddered as I felt Dad's hand on my shoulders.
The reports had come. But I couldn't understand half of it.
Syaoran's blood pressure was too low. His blood vessels were constricted. His heart rate was too high. His mucous membranes were swelled from bleeding. There was damage to his nasal cavities. Damage to his lungs. He was in a high range of experiencing a serious heart attack and a respiratory failure. And so…what did that exactly mean?
Did it mean…that he would die for sure? That he would never wake up? Would he just die in his coma? Would his eyes never open again?
God…I beg of you. If you're up there somewhere, save my Syaoran. I would do anything. Anything. Just help him.
I don't want him to die.
I don't want his life to be a waste.
He must have so much to look forward to. So many dreams. He can't die until he has fulfilled them.
By the time it was six thirty in the evening, Touya had gone back home because Kero was alone, but Dad stayed with me and Meiling. Yamazaki, Shiroi, Chiharu and a couple of other guys had come by, but they left immediately when they found out that Syaoran was still unable to be seen by visitors.
I ached to see him. Ached to touch him. And smooth the hair off his face.
Dad didn't ask me anymore questions. He didn't yell at me. He didn't talk down to me. He just spent little time talking to me and Meiling one by one. Yes, I had expected him to drag me back home the second he found out what I had been up to. That I had still kept in contact with the boy who had abused Touya. For a second I had even expected him to call the police and identify Syaoran as the man-handler.
But he didn't do any of that. I don't know if he pitied him or just wanted to provide us girls support, but my Dad never left my side. He wanted to stay through the evening, but I urged him not to. He had work, but if I had to hear any of his comments on drug abuse and how his chances on survival ranged, I would screw my head to a wall.
Dad was being sweet and helpful, but this wasn't what I needed. All I needed was to see Syaoran and wake him up.
I mean, how long would we have to wait? The doctors weren't too sure about the time since it was too early in the stage, and they were still doing a few more tests.
"Are you sure sweetie? It won't be too much of a problem for me. I can just call them up, and take today's leave."
"No thanks Dad." My voice came out weakly for the umpteenth time, "We'll be fine."
"But you promise to call me when you need something?"
"Yes Dad."
"And inform me of any news?"
"Yes Dad."
"Absolutely anything, alright?"
I sighed and nodded. I was so exhausted, that I could feel my eye lids dropping. Meiling was quietly reading in the corner, but she quickly waved at Dad when he left.
There was this strange silence when he left. Like when you go deaf and this thick tone hits your eardrums. Dad had been talking non-stop to us for so long that it suddenly felt like an emptied battlefield. There were still a few visitors waiting with restless feet, but I guess to the outside world we appeared a bit more composed. We weren't sniveling or breaking down every minute. Yes, tears would pop into my eyes, but they never fell. It was as if today's quota for crying tears were already finished.
I was so dried eyed that my attention span was buzzing a little.
I must have dozed off at some point, because all of a sudden I could hear so many voices. Craning my head off the wall, I turned around to see Meiling on her feet, arms around a woman. And at least six people gathered around her in tears.
It seemed like a hallucination to see so many people in there all of a sudden. They were talking loudly, crying, swearing and for a second I almost overlooked the fact that they were so smartly dressed. I didn't know how Meiling could possibly know these kind of people.
"Is that her?" I heard the question being asked repeatedly at the back of my head, and when I looked into the eyes of the woman nearest to me, her glare froze me to my seat.
Meiling pried herself off the oldest woman, and she looked at me with blood-shot eyes, "Yes." She heaved for a sharp breath then looked away from my gaze, "This is Sakura."
Then she turned to the woman whose face looked so familiar in a heart beat. Her expression was hard and her presence was like nothing I had felt before, "And this is Yelan Li…my Aunty…Syaoran's mother."
The words didn't process at first. I was seeing these stormy brown eyes and the words Syaoran's mother came pounding down. For a second, I almost saw Syaoran standing by his mother, looking almost identical.
This was Syaoran's mother. His family. These people standing in front of me were his family. Syaoran…had a family. A real family. I mean, why wouldn't he? Everyone has some sort of a family out there somewhere. I just never expected that he had one…I had never thought about his parents…his siblings…his cousins. I had never given a thought to where his family ever was.
I don't know why, but my wobbly legs stood up on their own, and I straightened down my wrinkled shirt and skirt, suddenly feeling shabby near the little crowd. It was getting a little chilly and I was left with my lips unable to open.
The woman watched me with a scowl in her eyes. They were tearful and angry…and somewhere in there was disgust. I could see it on her face.
"Have you known of my son's…obsession…for a long time?" those were Yelan's first words, and I almost blanched. She sounded so pained that I couldn't help my eyes from stinging. Hadn't she known?
This silence swam over the moment she spoke, and I just couldn't waver my gaze from hers. I could feel my fingers shake in their fists, and I swallowed hard looking over Meiling, "I've known him since this March." My voice croaked helplessly.
"I hear you're the reason my son if fighting for his life right this moment." Those words just walked out of her mouth, and my heart tightened as I watched the tears in her eyes gather around the edges. The words made me sound like a murdered. Hadn't she known about Syaoran's addiction?
"Aunty," Meiling interrupted before my stomach could roll up my throat, "You heard wrong. It wasn't her fault at—"
"Shut up!" Yelan whirled around at her niece, eyes cold and cheeks wet, her beautiful pale face flushed red in rage, "I think you've done enough here! Enough damage! I-I can't believe this!" she brought a quivering hand to her face, and the girls around her crowded by her, "I just can't believe he would do this. Xiao Lang…I just never. I had never expected this. I had never thought I would even have to imagine such disgust in my own son!"
I watched Yelan cry as her hard face crumbled into this face of disbelief. The people around her started talking at once, and the receptionist had leaned over her desk. Meiling had shifted away, her eyes on me and mine on hers.
"It's because of you!" Another girl by Yelan screamed, and she was pulled back by a man before she could come to me.
My feet were numb, my blood went cold and my eyes went everywhere. My stomach was stuck in my throat, and for the first time, I felt so ashamed. They were right. They were right about me. It was because of me. All of this was because of me.
"Aunty!" Meiling's cry broke me apart, "It's not her fault!"
"Meiling! It's time for you to shut up!" one of the men hollered, but Meiling grabbed me by the arm.
"She hasn't done anything!"
"Not another word Meiling. Not another word from you." Yelan's voice was back, but her cold eyes weren't on the hysterical girl next to me. They were on me. "I want you out of here." Her tone was soft and bitter, "You hear me girl?" my tears fell one by one, and I found it hard to see her, "I don't want you anywhere near my son!"
I stumbled as her words flew out. My fist tightened, and I broke apart, "I'm sorry…" I don't know why I said it, "I'm…really sorry—,"
"Sakura! It's not your fault!" Meiling was sobbing before me, but I pulled away my arm from her. It was my fault.
"I'm sorry…" I think my heart was dying. I was crying and talking. And crying. I didn't stop. "But please…please let me stay. I don't want to leave him again." M y hands came together and the tears came harder than before, "Please! Don't make me leave him."
I didn't see the nurse come to us. I didn't see other visitors watching. My eyes were on Syaoran's mother, and hers on me, filled with so much anger, despair and coldness.
"Excuse me, but could you please keep your voices low." The nurse had come by us out of nowhere, and her narrowed eyes were darting between us. "This is a hospital. I must advise you all to leave right this moment." Her tone was firm, but I didn't acknowledge her.
I could hear my heart beating wildly. I felt so helpless. So weak. So pathetic.
"Please…" my voice wept as Yelan turned to face the nurse.
"Syaoran Li. I'm this patient's mother." The woman's voice was cruel.
"But still ma'am, this is a hospital. No behaviour as such can be tolerated."
Yelan didn't budge, she only rubbed away her tears, "I know, but I was only advising this girl to leave."
No.
There were eyes on me, and I stopped breathing, "No. Please…please don't do this…"
But Yelan's eyes were nowhere on me and she continued to the nurse, "She isn't family and she isn't a friend. I want her to leave."
"No…" my voice crumbled in my own throat.
"And I want you tell her to leave and never come back here. If she does…I'll be pressing charges against her."
"No!" I yelled before I could hold myself, "Please! I beg of you, don't do this. I still have to see him!"
"Please tell this young lady never to visit my son here again…if she knows what's good for her."
"Please..." I felt so useless. I felt like my heart was breaking all over again. Into so many pieces.
The nurse turned to look at me uneasily, but before she could speak, I whirled around at the little crowd, my sobbings never dying. They hated me. They loathed me. And I didn't blame them.
Because I hated myself as well.
I started running before anyone could say anything more.
I ran wherever my feet carried me.
I ran.
I ran away from my Syaoran.
How heartless could they be? It was my fault…but I wanted to see him. I wanted to be the first one he would see. How…how could they do that…?
But it was my fault. In the end, it would always be my fault. Always.
Syaoran's death would be my fault.
Syaoran Li P.O.V
'I like the way you kiss me just fine.' That's what she had whispered into my ears. And her soft lips had brushed my ear.
This is weird, but I can't get it outta my head. I'm supposed to be cursed. I'm a Li. It sounds fucking mad but I can't help it. I keep thinking about it. About her. And I don't know any other reason for it other than this.
I think I'm in love with Sakura.
Sakura Kinomoto P.O.V
Life never goes the way you want it. I know that. But I needed to see him. I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't stop screaming. Touya wouldn't stop banging the door ever since he brought me home. I locked myself in my room and I tried to suffocate myself in this darkness overwhelming my life. Trying to stop breathing and fall dead so I can never hurt anyone ever again.
If he died, I don't think I could ever live with myself.
If he died, I might just have to die with him.
§ђϊη§зϊ Кσќσѓσ
There. The long awaited chapter. I'm sorry if it seemed somewhat too bland or a little overly exhausting and even for the grammar and spelling. I was in a hurry to update this. And yes, Syaoran is in a coma as many of you guessed. I couldn't really off him or I'd be getting death threats myself XD And we also require his input in every chapter, so I decided to make him reminisce. As in, when people come close to dying, they have parts of their life flashing by them.
I'm not too sure on which level a human's conscience lies at when they are in a coma, so I apologize for any errors. Maybe they can hear the outside world sometimes, maybe they're in a dream state, or maybe just in a heavy sleep. I'm not entirely sure and I don't plan on making any presumptions. However, all the symptoms I mentioned for cocaine overdose are real facts. The blood in the vomit is due to a tear in his mucous (nose) membranes. His restlessness and lack of hunger are also symptoms. But inform me if you think I'm wrong.
Hope you all enjoyed this chappy and a million of hugs and kisses to all those people who read and reviewed last chappy. Thank you all very much for the wonderful comments.
P.S Started school and I already have homework I'm drowning in. Oh the joys of being a senior…