Head Over Heels Chapter 23: Sooner or Later, a card captor sakura fanfic

Title: Head Over Heels

Author: Shinsei Kokoro

Chapter: 23: Sooner or Later

Updated: 19th May 2006

Syaoran Li P.O.V

I didn't know what was happening. I didn't know why I felt like screaming. The pain was numb. I knew it was there, but couldn't feel it.

I was thinking about Sakura one second and then suddenly I felt someone stabbing my chest. Over and over again. I felt myself rise once. Then twice. My blood was soaring and spurting. My chokes weren't making any sound. Or that's what it felt like.

It was strange.

I was shivering. But I wasn't cold.

I knew I was dreaming again. It was all just one big freaking dream. Sakura would be right next to my bed, still holding my hand and Meiling would be itching to chuck some ice water on me.

But I felt drained.

So empty.

And so out of breath.

Like I was falling or something…falling and falling.

Sakura Kinomoto P.O.V

Sometimes, it's not easy to tell which is better. To die or to live.

I choose dying, because this way, you won't ever be able to feel any pain.

It's a decision we make. It's a decision we choose to make. Because in the end, it is the only thing that truly belongs to us. Our lives. Our pathetic vulnerable lives. And living it is the best we can do.

When Dad came the morning after Touya had brought me home from the hospital, he found me locked in my room, and probably with Touya and Kero still sitting by the door. He spent the first half hour coaxing me to open up the door, and the next hour having a conversation with a door between us. I was hoarse most of the time, and Dad's gentle voice made the pain and horrors come back to live in me again.

I had cried myself to sleep in the middle of the night. Then gotten back up screaming from nightmares. I was sweating, hyper-ventilating, and crying so hard, I barely found myself able to breathe. Everything had felt muddy and tight. So suffocating.

Then it had come back to me. This image of my nightmare. This image so haunting that I wished I could just be swallowed up whole.

I would see Syaoran dead.

I would see him lying on his bed, stone cold.

His face pallid and his fingers cold in mine.

And there I would be. Weighed down in his arms. His legs tangled in mine. His body pressed against me.

But dead.

Dead.

That was all I could see. That was what kept me wide awake and cold hearted. I would shiver and pull up the sheets. Then I would start sweating and kick them away. And then in minutes, I'd be getting goosebumps all over again. My anticipation never ended.

What if he really was dead?

What if right then, the doctors could no longer wake him up?

What if his heart was no longer beating?

No.

No.

That couldn't happen. That could never happen. I was only dreaming. It was only a nightmare. It wasn't real. He would still be alive. He wouldn't be dead. He was just…asleep.

"Daddy…?" my voice croaked in the dim of my nightlight, and my Dad leaned in closer as I pushed back my covers. "Do you think he-he's still…there…?"

I had let Dad in just three hours ago, and although he had been awake for more than 24 hours, half of it spent listening to me cry and scream, he still looked more awake and level-headed then I felt. His hand clutched mine hard, and he brought me to rest against his chest. And very lightly, he pressed a finger on my crucifix.

"Sweetheart…your Jesus loves everyone." That was the only thing he ever said. Even though he was the one always uncomfortable with religion, he respected what I believed. That was the only thing he ever knew to say, "He'll be made sure to make it." What else could he say?

That was his only way of comforting me. His only way of keeping my hopes lighted. Because at that moment, we were both clueless. We were both without answers.

Dad hadn't said much when I had blubbered through everything that had happened in the hospital after he had left. How Syaoran's mother had blamed me. How right she had been. How she had banned me from seeing him. It wasn't fair. It just wasn't bloody fair!

It was my fault. It would always be my fault, but I needed to see him. My heart needed to see him so bad. I needed to know if he was okay. I needed to keep listening to the doctors' comments of their recent check-ups. I needed to keep up with reports. I needed, more than anything to just be there. To feel at least a little closer to Syaoran. So that whenever he would wake, I would be able to just run to him. I would be able to stay with him all the time it would take to recover. I would stay with him. By his side. I would always stay with him.

"I'm scared…" the words fell out of my mouth slowly, and I shut my eyes tight. I was so scared.

"Its normal to be scared Sakura. It's the most normal to thing to be scared for someone's life."

"I want to be there. With him." I was crying again, "Near him." God help me, "It's…it's all my fault."

Dad didn't say anything. That's because he didn't know about anything that had happened between me and Syaoran. He knew nothing after the part Syaoran had bruised him downstairs. He knew nothing after that day.

Maybe Dad was helping me stay sane by keep positive thoughts about Syaoran, but he didn't know that guy. Not like I did. He didn't know how close we were…are. He didn't how he had kissed me. So hungrily. He didn't know of the happiness I had seen in his eyes. In his smile. He didn't know how I still wanted to be his girlfriend. Wanted to keep close to him. Wanted to know him even better. Dad didn't know about me being in his arms again. Starting to need him again.

Oh God. I needed him back. I needed Syaoran back. I had had him with me for just a few minutes. Just a few minutes and he was taken away again. I needed him so much.

I needed to kiss him. Hold him. Take care of him. And this guilt was tearing me apart.

"Sakura…"

"I want to see him…" I sobbed into warm arms. "I need to be there. Dad! I need to be there with him…for him!"

"Shh. We'll do all we can."

"But his mother will press charges!" I couldn't ever show my face to her. Because never had I seen someone so angry at me. She was his mother. I couldn't find a reason to hate her. But I could find all the reasons to hate myself.

"We'll think of something else then."

"But I need to see him Dad. I…" I miss him so much.

It wasn't a realization. It wasn't something new I'd been thinking about. Because it wasn't the kind of the loneliness where I missed being his girlfriend. I missed his being there. Being...somewhere. I might have hated him a few weeks ago, but even then...he was there somewhere. I would see him at school at least. At least...at least he wasn't in a bed somewhere, not knowing if he was dead or alive. At least back he had been awake...full of emotion. Anger, fury, it didn't matter...but that was his presence.

I had never seen anyone look so relieved. When I'd told him about how there had been no other boy, he had hugged me so tight. He held me so close to him. And kissed me like I had never been kissed before. I had felt his happiness. His smugness. And...and it had made me feel so...so special. So needed and wanted.

Maybe I didn't know about his past or future, but I knew his present well enough. Right now…or rather when I had seen last, looked into his eyes, he was just like any other person. Not a wannabe gangster or a druggie. He was just a lost boy. Just like we all were at one point in our lives.

He had been vulnerable and weak. His tears had soaked into my shirt. And his face had brightened so much after the long talk we'd had. I don't know what else it was, maybe even attraction, but there was this string in between us. Although it would get broken, it would keep retying itself. Like magic.

Or maybe it was guilt that was making me think this. But I didn't care.

That was the only thing I was sure of. I cared about him. So much.

And yet…I couldn't do anything for him. I couldn't even be by his side. I…I was useless. Although I cause so much pain and I want to help ease it, no one…I feel like all I am ever capable of doing is nothing.

Nothing.

My life is a big fat nothing.

Syaoran Li P.O.V

I used think she was one of the crowd. One of the stereotypical girls, where all they wanted to do was gossip about jocks and worry about how fat their butt looked in their skirts.

The sort of girl who'd make their boyfriend wait for hours and start whining about crap. That's why I never wanted a girl like that. I wasn't going to be the one to take shit from anyone, much less my girlfriend. Unfortunately for me, I didn't know Sakura Kinomoto.

But now…now I wished I had listened. Listened to her. About how true she was.

When I had seen her by our lockers on her first day, I thought she would change by the end of the week. You know, start hating us outcasts just like the rest of the damn world.

But she kept blushing when she saw me, walked into a wall as well. She talked to me like it meant nothing. Walked into my life just like that. And things suddenly became jumbled. She would be the only thing on my head. Made me feel guilty after that day I had left her waiting for me in the back field and without giving her a lift. Everything would be about her. What would Sakura think of this? What would Sakura think of that? For all the little time with her, dope was the last thing on my mind. She was all I ever thought about.

And then after that thing with Hiiragizawa and Van and all that other shit. It made me realize who she was. She was my fucking savior…I don't even care how lame that sounds. But she was there for me.

She was the only stranger who had earned my mind, heart and soul.

Sakura Kinomoto P.O.V

Sometimes, when your world is such a big drab of a mess, you forget what's happening outside it. You may cry a million tears, but life around you just goes on.

I hadn't left my house for seven days and along with that, I hadn't heard any news about Syaoran. But on a new week, Dad had insisted me to go to school. Said it might loosen me up. Get my mind out of things. And even gather some information about Syaoran from one of his friends.

Sanron High. Even thinking about school made me feel sick all over again. It used to be something I somewhat enjoyed. Meeting friends, trying to spot Syaoran in his crowd, trying to avoid Syaoran when I used to think he was a prick…there are just all these memories.

But what would I have now?

Nothing. It would just be another tacky school. A school that was so judgmental and discriminating, they could make their own opposition party. I hated that school. Loathed everything and everyone in it. They had cliques. Cliques who hated each other. Would even reach the point of murdering each other. What kind of a school was this?

They were ignorant…most of them. Self centered. And lived on spreading rumors.

And no one in there knew Syaoran. No one. Maybe setting aside a few of his friends, but that was it. I doubted even Meiling would be there either.

They didn't know how sweet he was. How much of an impact he had had in my life.

"Sweetheart?"

I looked up from the dining table at hearing Dad's voice. Touya's spoon hung midway between his bowl and Kero waddled to lick me at my heels, then letting his fuzzy head rest on my knees, coaxing me into patting him.

Breakfast was a horror. My fruit loops weren't agreeing to go down my throat, so I had to gulp them down with juice. Anything to not make Dad think that I was starving myself over depression or whatever I had heard him mentioning to Touya yesterday.

But it was hard.

It was hard spending each second of the day thinking about Syaoran. Sitting by the phone, praying someone would call. Looking out the window, wishing more than anything for a black car to stop and Syaoran to walk out of it.

Sometimes, I would imagine it. It was completely nonsense, but it kept me from crying at times. I would imagine him rushing to open my gate and running to catch me by the door. He would grab me tight, look into my eyes and he would kiss me and kiss me and kiss me. He would grab my hair and kiss my neck. Then he would open my mouth and kiss me senseless. Send sharp little shiver down my back and run his fingers along my spinal cord. He would hold me above the ground and swing me in circles. Telling me how much he missed me, forgiving me. Just like in the movies.

But then at the end of it all, I had to come back to reality.

Touya and Dad stayed very supportive through all of it and I was so grateful to them. One of them stayed at home with me at all times, and there was always Kero, recovered and back to nosing me and snuggling into me every time I managed to take a nap on the couch, phone in my hand, and the curtains wide open.

Mom called once, just to check up on us, and I was relieved to know that Dad hadn't enlightened her on what had been going on in my life.

It felt strange staying at home. I hardly slept. Didn't watch TV. Didn't go online. No one from school called. And so I stayed where I could remain sane.

Every morning, at about six, I would wake up, hoping for a second that this would all be a dream. I would look at the crack in my ceiling and then start crying again. No dream could ever stay so fresh in my mind.

Then Kero would snooze a while beside me, his tail wagging in my face while he licked himself clean and shifted around until he found his perfect position to doze. At eight when Touya would be leaving for his classes, he would come and switch off my night-light, open up my curtains, just sit next to me for a few minutes all the while attempting to bring Kero off the bed, and then leave.

Dad came occasionally with food, but I made him stay downstairs and let him do his work. Talking to Dad just made it impossible for me to keep my eyes dry for even two minutes. Yes, he though I was depressed. And maybe I was. But what could he do? He couldn't possibly take me to Syaoran could he? He couldn't take me to the hospital. He couldn't do anything to let me see Syaoran again.

"Sakura?" Dad's voice broke through my head again, and this time I blinked several times before actually looking Dad in the face.

"Hmm?"

For a second I imagined Dad and Touya exchanging glances, then he sipped on his tea, looking as thoughtful as ever, "Remember to give in your absence letter."

"I will Dad."

But I knew that wasn't what he was about to say. He was about to remind me of the work I had missed out on. Mid-terms were only in two and a half weeks and I hadn't started anything yet. Study had been the last thing on my list, and now when I buckled myself in Touya's car, I began to think of everything people would ask me. Where I'd been. What I'd done. The sorts.

So by the time Touya had parked us by the curb of my school road, I was close to hyperventilating again. My nerves were a fuzz, and my legs shaky. What would people say? Would they have heard of Syaoran's sickness. Would they be laughing? Happy that he was in a coma? My nerves clenched at that. Would all my friends, Tomoyo and Rika and Naoko, would they all be happy, because there was one less outcast to care about?

"You alright?" Touya's hand shook my shoulder slightly and I nodded without looking at him.

"Yeah. I'm good." I was such a liar. Getting out of the car, I tucked the books by my hips and leaned in into the window, "Will you come whenever I call you?"

"Yup." His expression was firm, "Give me a ring when you're feeling sick and I'll pick you up. I promise." It was unusual to find my brother looking so brutally honest at times. He had given up on so many evening classes just so he could stay at home with me. I wasn't going to ruin his schedule. I didn't want to ruin any more lives. Annoying or not, we shared at least half our blood. And I loved him for everything he had done for me.

"Thank you Touya." I whispered to him, and watched his car turn into a spec in the distance as he roared away.

Taking the deepest breath possible, I turned to the school gates, my aching body mechanically making its way through them.

And that's when I noticed everything. Every little thing.

I wasn't looking at anyone in particular, but it's like I could feel their eyes on me. I was begging fates to let me bump into Tomoyo, but when I turned into the quad, my group wasn't there, hanging out and mucking around as usual.

There was no Eriol. No Van. No Naoko. No Rika. And no giggling girls and sniggering guys either.

But I was freaking myself out over nothing. Maybe they all had some important assignment due or something. Maybe they were in the library catching up on work. Or something like that.

So I went homeroom. I was the first one there and the teacher gave me a narrowing stare for a few seconds too long. I decided to wait and give in my absence letter in to the office maybe during lunch. I just wanted to wait. I just wanted to sit somewhere and start a normal routine for once.

The first student was some girl I'd never even seen. One withering glance at me and she plopped herself at the back of the room.

I felt indifferent. But maybe I should have taken this as a clue and realized this earlier. Everyone who came filling in after the second bell either didn't even look my way or just frowned with disgust.

I was confused. And now, I wish I had chosen to remain confused.

Eriol Hiiragizawa, Van and Rika came in last, murmuring about something together, then stopping short when their eyes fell on me.

For a second, I had expected them to gush towards me, asking me questions about where I'd been and why I looked so exhausted. I had expected Van to hug me and kiss me right there and then with Eriol scowling away.

But nothing of that sort happened.

They didn't smile. Then as though I didn't even exist, all three of them sidled up in the front seats.

I knew it right then. I knew that they knew. I knew that they knew everything about me. I knew it with all my heart.

God, I nearly cried. Nearly.

My eyes burned heavily, and that was all there was to it. No tears fell.

I sat there stiff and quiet for nearly fifteen minutes, and I took my time getting up when bell rang. Because for some reason, I knew I was expecting someone to be waiting outside that door for me.

I had become close to a boy, and there was no wrong in that. So I didn't know how any school or anyone would stop me for something as innocent as that. I didn't know of any apologies I owed them.

I've handled so much so far. A few grumpy discriminating students would be nothing compared to my nightmares.

Or so I thought.

Syaoran Li P.O.V

My eyes felt heavy.

That was the first thing I felt. Heaviness.

This fucking heaviness all over my body. Like as if ten thousand sodding trucks had fallen on me.

I couldn't move my lips, and my throat felt raw and parched. I gurgled for a while, then croaked to clear my throat. My saliva tasted funny, and I tried spitting out the off taste. I could say it was even worst that tasting a dead rat, but that wasn't all of it.

Everything in me was in pain.

This sting shooting through all of my muscles.

And then I could hear voices. They were buzzing around me, like these annoying bees, or rather like a few annoying Meilings, begging me to give her a lift to school every damn morning.

My eyes were aching to open, but they ached ten times more each time I attempted that.

"Nggh…" My throat was stuffed with something. And it felt warm and cold at the same time. Hoarse. That's how I sounded to my own ears.

And then I heard this voice that wasn't my own. This familiar voice. So familiar that I knew in a second that it was one I wasn't expecting for all my life.

"Xiaolang…" it sounded far away and almost hysterical. Xiaolang. When was the last time anyone had ever called me by that name?

Sakura Kinomoto P.O.V

I was standing where I had been standing for the last one minute. None of us had spoken and none of them had taken their eyes off me.

The hallway was hustling with students getting reading for their first period classes, but some around us slowed down to catch up on what we might have been saying. Unfortunately for them, we hadn't exchanged a word yet. It looked like they might have to catch up on the gossip later on.

There was Naoko with books clamped in her arms. Rika beside her, and Van leaning next to her. Their eyes looked cold. Just as cold as my stomach felt. Tomoyo was by Eriol, and he was standing just a few inches away from my face, his jaw set hard, and his face pale with firmness.

All those times when I used to think he was a crazy player, a wannabe stud, now I had no opinions of him.

I didn't know what to expect. Would they swear at me? Would they beat me up? What the heck would they do? Not talk to me for the rest of my life?

"You…" That was Eriol. I didn't catch any word after that, because Tomoyo had suddenly scrambled off after that one word was spoken. I looked at her back disappearing into the crowd, hair rushing past people, and I couldn't help but notice how her shoulders had quivered.

Eriol glared harder, and then all of a sudden he grabbed my arm and started dragging me. Other than letting out a cry of surprise I didn't protest. I didn't stumble. I didn't do anything. I just followed his lead.

How bad could this be anyway? What was the least he could do to me?

Pushing past people, he yanked me into a familiar place, and I pulled myself free as he hauled me into the white brightness of the boys toilets.

"You—! Why! Fucking why!" Those were his first aggressive yells.

He didn't notice Rika and Naoko file in, Van pushing back against the door and not moving from his spot. And somehow nor did I.

My eyes were only on the boy in front of me, and noticing how his usually calm eyes were now recoiled in disgust and fury. It didn't alarm me though. I knew this phase. I knew how his anger rolled about.

But I was caught by shock as Eriol grabbed me by my shoulders and pushed me against the sinks, "H-how could you fucking do it!" His yells reverberated across the walls, and I felt small under his largeness. I felt meek and weak. Unable to look into his eyes. Unable to get a grasp of myself.

And then, when his face was so near that I could feel his hot breath on my lips, he whispered, "Y-you lied."

His fingers brought themselves to hold up my face, and when I finally met his striking blue eyes, I hoped he never saw the tears that were running down my face. I hoped he never saw the way his words were cutting down on me. I hoped he never felt me hold onto the front of his shirt.

I was tired.

I was tired of being shut down. I was tired of holding down pain and anger and frustration. I wish I too could punch walls and beat someone up. I wish I too had a way to take off my aggravation. But I didn't. This was the way I answered to my pain.

I cried.

I cried like anyone would.

"Is…is it a crime?" my voice murmured.

"Yes! Where the fuck have you been all these months to not know that! Offcourse it's a fucking crime! They're assholes! Losers! They fucking ruin lives everywhere they go!" his grip on my jaw tightened.

"No they don't!" I screamed back before I could think, "You can't give an opinion when you don't know anything about them!"

Then he grabbed me by my front, wide eyes peering into mine, "Trust me Sakura, I know these kind of people inside out!"

"No!" I cried into his face. "That's what you think they are!"

"Yeah offcourse you'd say that." He spat, "After all, you've been doing the whole lot of them haven't you?"

His disgust soared around the room, and I just collapsed further in his hold. He was insulting me. That I could take. But he didn't have the right to insult a boy who was in a coma right now.

"You know," I could hear him right next to my ear, "When I first heard about it…" his pause sent sharp shivers down my back, "I didn't believe it." His grasp was so painful that I couldn't help but cry out. "Then it all started to make sense. Right Van?" his last words were directed to the door, but he got no answer. Instead he went on, with this stumbling yet fierce voice, "You wouldn't have anyone. At first, we thought it was because you were a city girl. And city girls have high expectations. That was reasonable. What was his name? Ryoga was it? A fucking fake he turned out to be."

I gasped for breath and bit my lips to stop the tears. So Tomoyo had finally sold me out. But somehow, that didn't come out as shocking as to what he said next.

"She told me that a week after I asked her out." His face didn't give away anything but fury, and his eyes tore into mine like knives, "You've been doing Li the second you saw him haven't you?"

"No!" I cried out. It was disgusting how he could think like that. Disgusting to know that once upon a time I thought he could be a good friend.

"Making out with him every time you thought no one was there to see you." It wasn't like that. "City girls are like that aren't they?" he sneered at my face, "They like bad boys. No matter where they've been, what sort of things they've done, there's no stopping the attraction is there?"

"No." I whimpered, my mouth shaking. He was cold. So cold. Such a bastard.

"Come on Sakura," his face was so near that I almost didn't see him bite his lip and smile in that taunting way, "What's the point of lying anymore? You've already ruined it for your self. Fraternizing with nasty wankers. You fucking lied to all of us just so you could have your way with that son of a bitch."

He didn't stop talking and I didn't stop crying. And in that moment, when I could hear nothing but my pitiful cries and feel nothing but my painful throat, I screamed at the top of my voice, "Shut up!" I tore myself away from his grasp and flung myself against the wall sideways, "Just shut the hell up!"

"Give me one good reason to. I have all the right to—,"

"Don't you dare talk about him like you bloody know him!" I wasn't aware of the words coming out of my mouth. They were just flowing out. So fluently. So heatedly. Like I was on fire. Like every bit of me was aching. "You don't know one thing about him. Because people like you never will! Because you're so clouded by your own stupid thoughts that seeing someone different just kills you! Knowing that someone different exists just gets to you!"

The world was echoing. Or that's almost how it felt. Like the whole world was spinning. And I was the only one standing.

My eyes were closed, and I pretended Syaoran was standing there behind them.

"Just because he's different does not mean he's not human. It doesn't mean that you have to treat people like him like shit!" then I whirled around, setting my eyes on the three people by the door, "It doesn't mean outcasts like him go around stalking girls and coming up with ways to get them wasted! Because I could say the same about each and every guy! Every bloody guy on this sodding earth is like that then."

My fingers grabbed at Eriol and I held his collar, "Remember the time you brought me here once?" his face looked hesitant for a second, but I was unstoppable, "Do you remember!"

"That was—,"

"Do you!" I screamed. My rage was building and it gave me to pleasure to see his restless eyes darting from mine to the door, "You wanted to kiss me! You wanted me to be your girlfriend! You wanted your way with me!" Oh I wasn't gonna let him get away with calling me a whore. I wasn't gonna let him get away with insulting a boy who was barely alive.

"E-Eriol?" the faint voice was Rika's, and her eyes were so wide and shocked, that I laughed indifferently.

"Oh don't bother asking him." I snapped, then pushed the boy away, "He'll just lie. Because lying's what he's best at!"

"Sakura—," I could feel Eriol closing in on me, his eyes flashing dangerously.

"I said shut up!" I hollered, "If this is the time for everyone to come out clean, then so must you!"

"I'm gonna—,"

"I don't care what you're gonna do! Because I've been through so much shit, that you doing anything to me will never compare to what I've been through!" my voice was breaking right then, and I felt like my head would burst anytime soon. I couldn't think straight. I couldn't stand straight. But as long as I could open my mouth, everything would be fine.

"Eriol, you fucking ba—," Rika's growl was drowned by Eriol's bark.

"She broke the rules! She broke the fucking rules!"

"Oh screw your rules!" I screamed above him, "As long as you can cover up for yourself everything's gonna be fine isn't it? As long as everyone sees you as the good guy and Syaoran as the pathetic junkie who gets wasted night after night! When everyone sees you as the heroic guy beating him up you're just dandy aren't you? Isn't that how you want things to work around here Eriol?" I asked scathingly, "I know you and that just makes you lower than anyone else."

Eriol snarled in the same tone, "He's scum."

"He's decent!"

"If you're calling him decent then you're not that bad of a slut yourself!"

"It doesn't matter what you say Eriol. Maybe I am a slut. But I don't regret it." My tongue felt feathery and I managed to stop my tears just for a second, "Because you will never in a million years be as decent as he is. And…" my heart was crying. My anger was in my head. My insides felt cold. And I imagined the way I was kissed by Syaoran Li. I imagined the way he would bump his nose against mine and smile against my lips. "…and if anything happens to him…" I'll never forgive this damn school.

"If anything happens to him…" Eriol's voice echoed mine, and the bright light got caught in my vision, "…that means he deserved to die."

His face was red. Maybe as red as mine. Maybe his chest was heaving as hard as mine. Maybe he was holding back from hitting me just like I was. But, I never held back. I couldn't hold back on what he deserved. Not after what he said.

I slapped him with every ounce of energy I had. His face reeled back once, surprised. I punched him across his eyes. I grabbed him by his neck. I grabbed his hair. I broke his glasses. I tore his shirt. I kneed him in the groin. I damaged so much that I never saw his fist coming to meet my stomach.

And then all hell broke loose in me.

"You bastard!" I swung my fists out again, "He won't die!" the tears were coming down and I ignored the sharp pain as he pushed me hard into the sinks, "I won't let him die!" And in between tears and screams, I didn't realize Van peeling Eriol off me. I didn't realize sliding down until I met nothing more other than the cold tiles. "I won't…I won't!"

And that's how they left me there. My pathetic friends.

Syaoran Li P.O.V

I don't think I've been this scared in such a long time.

I would get beaten badly. I would crack open a beer. A police would hold me at gun point. I would just laugh at him. I would get wasted and see blood in my puke. That would just make me sick.

But never had I been scared. However the second I heard that voice. That name. Xiao Lang. The second I opened my eyes I knew something was wrong.

The first thing I saw was…white. There was no Sakura. No Meiling. Just grogginess. And this pain shooting from everywhere. But most of all…my heart had continued to beat hard like someone had been pounding it.

And there were blurry faces.

My throat felt raw and dry. My tongue felt parched. And there was this sour taste underneath my tongue. I tried licking my lips, but it seemed such a effort.

Then the blurry eyes moved over me. Touching me. Pulling my eyes open, while all I wanted to do was roll over and fall back to sleep.

But that voice…I wanted to meet that voice. That stern yet soft voice.

I couldn't hear it anymore. All I was aware of was that my back was stiff and my muscles were numb. The faces above me cleared a little, but all I could make out were large eyes and fat noses. Graying hair and then fingers trying the pull apart my eyes.

"Nggh." I attempted moving my head away, but it felt like lead. And then I was aware of my eyes watering from being kept open for so long. Just watering until I could see the faces no more.

"'ura." The name came out my mouth unguarded. Sakura. Where was she?

"Xiao Lang." There was that voice again. "Xiao Lang!" I could hear it so clearly now. Like as if it was right beside my ear.

But my eyes were so tired. I tried moving my fingers a little, groping the sheets below me for Sakura. Where was she?

"Xiao Lang?" That name. I knew it was my name. My Chinese name. The name my father had given me. The name everybody called me by in Hong Kong. Nobody had called me that so closely in years.

"'kura." My fingers couldn't hold anything. There was just emptiness around me. Where was she?

"Xiao Lang. I'm here." No. She wasn't there. That wasn't Sakura's voice. "Xiao Lang. Look at me please." I was looking. But she wasn't there. Where the hell was Sakura?

"Xiao Lang." the voice cried, and then I felt fingers holding my hand. I felt this smooth warmth touching my forehead. "Please." Someone was crying, "Look at me."

The fingers holding my eyes let go, and I tried swinging my head into the direction of the voice. This familiar voice.

And then there she was. There. Right in front of my eyes.

Sitting beside me. Hands holding me, with tears on her face. Looking so scruffy, looking so tired that I almost didn't recognize her.

"M-ma…?"

Sakura Kinomoto P.O.V

I didn't move from my spot. I didn't know how long I sat there. But it was just me and the cold tiles. My books were sprawled across. My face was dry with tears. And I was trying to make the floor swallow me up whole.

My stomach was aching from Eriol's punch, and I was trying to make the pain disappear. I was trying to forget everything.

I wasn't particularly thinking about anything. Just…just feeling sorry for myself. Just feeling sorry for the stupidness I had pulled. And feeling stupid in general.

I was in disbelief maybe. In shock. In denial. I'm not sure, but right then…I just didn't want to think. About anything. I didn't want to cry. I didn't want to scream. I didn't want to open my eyes.

I wanted to disappear. Leave without a trace. Erase all these thoughts and memories from my head. And why wasn't that possible? Why wasn't it possible for me to just close my eyes and pretend I was a princess being served at my beck and call. Pretend I was someone else. Pretend I was no longer alive. Just pretend only for a second. Why wasn't that possible? Why couldn't I get one moment of peace? Not one moment of happiness. Why was I incapable of picking myself up and hurling whatever in my stomach into the toilet? Why was I incapable of being strong? Of being normal?

And that's how Yuji Odagiri found me. The tall lanky guy who sat next to me in Computers.

I didn't notice him at first. I didn't pay any attention to him just like the rest of the guys who came in, saw me and left the same second. I didn't even look up when he stopped to stand in front of me. I wasn't looking at him. I was looking at his worn out Adidas. At how their blue laces disappeared inside the shoes. They were scruffy unlike him.

"Sakura?" his voice sounded the same. Just like when he used to annoy me about being a computer-illiterate.

And then he came down on both his knees, fingers reaching out to me before they touched my arm.

Why was he here?

Why wasn't he avoiding me like everyone else?

Why wasn't he out there gossiping about the slut who was hiding out in the boys toilets?

Or had he just come to get a rise out of me?

I flinched at his touch. I drew back before he could take the fabric of my sweater in between his fingers.

"Hey." His voice was soft and low, "You okay?"

Was I? Could I ever be? Why was he here? Why couldn't I just be left alone?

"Sakura?" he nudged my shoulder again before quickly drawing back his hand. "Hey, do you wanna go home?"

His voice was so faint that I couldn't help but look up at him. I couldn't help but notice how sincere he looked. How he had crouched down so we could be at eye-level even on the floor.

My breath came out shaky and with a sob. "N-no." I swallowed hard before I looked back down.

And then I felt him settling next to the wall beside me, his shoes squeaking as they rubbed against the floor, the sleeve of his jacket brushing against mine, "No, you're not okay? Or no, you don't want to go home?"

I shivered lightly, and wished deeply he would just leave, "Both." I croaked.

He was quiet for a moment, and I was counting down the seconds when he would finally blow up and ask me if the rumors were true. If I'd actually been seen at the hospital where Syaoran Li the outcast was admitted. If I was actually his girlfriend. If I had actually lied to my friends all along and been…doing the enemy. The wait felt like so long that I was growing restless. My fingers were trembling faster. My lips burned from gnawing on it for too long. And my nerves were bristling.

"Are you sure?" he asked me finally after what felt like ages, and I couldn't help but glance at him after my anticipation.

His face was passive. Ruby eyes looking at me intently. And not an inch of a smile stretched on his face. Why wasn't he hounding me down with questions? Why wasn't he acting like the rest? Why was he actually sitting in the corner of the boys toilet beside me, looking as if it were the most normal thing to do?

"Why are you here?" I blurted, averting my stinging eyes.

He only snorted, "I could ask you the same thing." But he didn't wait for my reply, "I mean, first of all it's not hygienic to be sitting here like this. And secondly, you're in the boys toilets."

I think he was trying to humor me. But I could feel nothing but this pain soaring through the muscles in my stomach, "Why are you here?" I asked again.

"I'm trying to see how it feels like to be wagging a class." From the corner of my eyes, I could make out a smile on his face. I could feel my guard fall right then. And my eyes closed once again.

"Okay, sitting here counting the tiles is alright, but are you actually planning on sleeping here?" he asked with a nudge against my elbow and I opened my eyes as quickly as I had shut them.

"Yuji," I think that's what everyone called him, "Why are you here?"

Spreading his legs out in front of him, he shoved his hands into his jacket pockets, "I don't think I've told you this before, but Yuji just sounds too old-fashioned. Stick to Yuu alright?"

My impatience edged into me right then. And I think I lost all track of playing nice. "Dammit, what do you want from me?" I didn't mean to snap. I really didn't. It was just my frustration talking. That's all.

But he finally answered me. And he wasn't looking at me this time. That's how I knew he was done with joking around just like I was. "I heard from a few guys you were here. Then thought I might try and get you out before someone else did. Three periods is a long time for some guys to hold it in." I couldn't say I wasn't touched. I couldn't say anything. His mediocre joke allowed for my lips to lift a little.

But he went on like it were nothing, "You know, I'm missing out on Calculus right now. And it's all because of you" When I turned my head to him to greet his annoyance, all I received was this cheeky glint in his eyes, "I can say I won't be missed though."

I didn't know how a boy who never knew me would ever sit here with me like this. Talk to me. Joke to me just to lighten up my mood. Help me when no one else would.

And just like that, I dug my face into my knees and let myself go. I don't know how long I cried, but that one hand on my shoulder let me know I wasn't alone. That not everyone in this school was prejudiced. His presence there to let me know that he didn't care about rumors. For that, I was happy.

I don't know for how long, but I knew I would always be grateful to Yuji…Yuu.

Because sometimes…it actually turned out a stranger could help you better than your friends. That a stranger could understand you better. And was willing to let you know that you're never alone.

Syaoran Li P.O.V

My mother has never been part of my life.

Never.

She loves me, I know that. But usually she was just too chicken to defend me when Dad was around. So there weren't many memories. You know, like those ones you see on TV, where the kid is licking the spatula and the mother is busy making the cake? Or the one where the kid has the flu, and the mother lovingly comes to provide him with tissues and rub Vicks on his back? Ok, those were pathetic ads, but still…in little houses, that's just the way it is.

Take Shiroi's mother. She's so protective of her brats that it's sickening.

But not me and my Mother. Never me and her. When I would take days off school to take care of the cuts Dad would give me, I would probably just see her once in two days maybe. Sometimes she would come up with the maids, pretending to look like she was helping them sort out my bed. Pretend she was going through my books to see how much work I had been doing in class. But it was all just…fucking pretending.

That's what pissed me out most of the time. While most kids at school were bitching about their parents about how they had put up curfews or about how they hadn't allowed them to a party or some bullshit. But me, it was like I had no parents I could complain about. People expected me to have a fantastic family just because I was rich. They expected me to go to dinner every evening with my sisters and parents sitting at the table, laughing at how our dog went round underneath the table nicking leftovers.

But, that wasn't the way.

Didn't have a sodding dog…not that I liked one in the first place. My Dad was busy with work or picking on my reports. My mother was too busy with tea parties and those social shitty things. My sisters got together sometimes, gossiping about crap the 'little brother' wasn't supposed to eavesdrop on.

My friends didn't know that I practically had three meals of the day by myself in the bloody gigantic dining room. While they argued about how their parents were being unfair and all, I was busy envying them…or otherwise just ignoring them. Hear not, care not. That's what I went by.

So my eyes might have been blurry. My head might have been only half awake. But that face…you could never forget your mother's face in a lifetime. Never.

And that's how I knew it was her. She might have had bags under her eyes, wiry hair in all places, but that face…that face she had on was the one from every time she would try and get a peek on my bruises when the maids would bandage them up…complimentary of my father offcourse.

But that face…shit…that face. It had been so long. I hadn't seen her for so many years. So many.

"Xiao Lang?" That was Chinese for little wolf. That's what I was supposed to be. A little wolf. But half the people in Japan probably wouldn't be able to even pronounce that, so I stuck to a Japanese name. Shit, I remember it taking some time to become legal. And ever since then, I had forced her to call me Syaoran over the phone.

"Xiao Lang? Please can you hear me?"

"Ma'am I assure this is a normal phase."

"But he's not saying anything!"

"Ma'am, it's a procedure. He might not be able to make out his surroundings for a few minutes. It will take a little bit of time for him to adjust."

"But he—,"

"I assure you ma'am. No matter how long, his brain is yet trying to get to its normal pace. It'll take time."

"But—,"

"It is perfectly normal to be disorientated. A week is a long time after all."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes ma'am I am. Now, if you'll please. We should gather a few more test before visiting hours can be allocated. Please—,"

"No! I'll prefer to stay here with my son!"

"Ma'am please. It's not a concern. He is out of harm's way, and it is absolutely crucial that we see a few more blood tests and levels."

Fuck. These voices. So many fucking…people around me. Like I was in some crowded room.

I could make out the voices. I could make out my mother's voice. I could make out her mouth kissing my forehead. After more than five years she was finally in front of my face. She was finally here with me.

Her face was the last thing I saw.

Because there was this sudden pain in my chest. Something was rolling up my throat before it finally came out pouring through my mouth.

And then my eyes rolled back.

Sakura Kinomoto P.O.V

Rumors were like mosquitoes. It was a perfect verdict. Like mosquitoes they eventually got around to everyone. They bit you and tortured you. It would scab away until it itched and itched and bled. It would go away eventually. But that scar would still be there. That scar that would remind you of your misery day after day.

This depression. You wanted to be rid of it, but it's like…it's like you also depended on it.

And sometimes, people lived and died so much on rumors that it made me sick to know that no matter how much you resisted from gossiping, it would just get worse. It was such an old-school topic. Gossiping. Bitching. The sorts. People got their thrills from manipulating secrets and twisting them until...until it wasn't much of a secret anymore. Until it wasn't anything private or special.

So now, it wasn't just about me. It wasn't just how Sakura Kinomoto had secretly been doing the nastiest bad boy druggie, but also about the stupid, clueless boy who had come to her rescue.

As it turned out, Yuu Odagiri had actually the nerve to talk to the 'recently turned' outcast in the boys toilets no less. He had managed to stay there with her for an entire period and talk her into finally escaping her temporary haven. But although he didn't become a target he was definitely scorned by association.

Not that Yuu cared that is.

Right now, he was walking me to Chemistry. A book under his arm and the other in his pockets. His eyes were on me. And I was suddenly jealous of his braveness. Of just the way he looked so loose and...normal.

He didn't care. He didn't care who saw him with me. He didn't care for rumors. He didn't give a damn about gossips. And that made me happy.

Believe it or not, I actually felt a little better. I was walking with my head up, and Yuu was there beside me, making lame talk that was meant to be funny. And I was…happy. Because people were looking our way. Talking behind their hands. Scowling. Laughing. Pointing. But sod it.

Although they didn't know what they were supposed to know, I didn't care anymore either. Maybe they didn't know the truth, but at least I did. Maybe they didn't care about Syaoran Li. But at least I did.

I didn't care if I were to bump into Eriol or Van or anyone. I didn't care about what they had to say to me.

Because I was done caring. I was done giving shit about what other people thought of me. About my reputation.

Yuu grabbed my elbow before he left me. He didn't smile. I think his smiling quota for the day was finished. He was back to his-grumpy-highness behavior.

"Ignore them." he hissed into my ears before giving me one last little smile. And then he was gone. I was alone once again. But this time I had been left with resistance. With courage.

A few kids were already there, majority of them smirking my way as if I was some insect wing on display. I took a seat where no one usually sat. Away from the back row and away from at least half the class's eyes. In the corner where the window sat. Where colourful displays hung. Where I could sit and brood, and still in the end never have to look at Van and Eriol.

When the two came in, I was looking out the window. When they sat down at the back, I saw through them the corner of my eyes. And that was all it took to make the blood rush to my head.

They weren't talking like they usually would have. Eriol looked pissed. And Van at the tensest I've ever seen him. They didn't talk to the guys around them and just opened up their textbooks. Mine still lay on my desk, unopened and a pen inside it. I looked down at my hands, and pressed them to get the colour back into them. They looked so lifeless. Like they could drop off any moment.

My head was splitting bit by bit, and even concentrating on whatever the teacher was illuminating us on about the exams, was killing me.

I didn't want to be there.

I really didn't.

I didn't want to sit there, knowing that everyone around me hated me, gossiped about me, laughed and would take every opportunity to just taunt me. Knowing that there were two guys behind me glaring into the back of my head. Wishing I'd just drop dead.

But I had to sit there. I just had to. Because I hadn't done anything wrong. I hadn't committed a crime. I hadn't hurt anyone…okay yes, other than Van. I might have cheated on him with a just a few kisses with Syaoran, but the situation had been different. Because in the end that was it. If they hated me for being with a guy who drank and too drugs, then screw them.

Those weren't the things that made Syaoran. Even when I had been with him…even for a little while, he hadn't been wasted.

They didn't know him. They didn't deserve to know him. Because he was normal just like anyone. He had flaws just like everyone. He got angry. He got happy. He got sad. He cried. He laughed. He felt pain. He was normal.

And it was no one's business. I could be with whoever I wanted to. I could be with Syaoran Li, because it was none of their damn business!

It was my life. My tears. My expense. My happiness. I could share it with whoever I wanted. I could cry for whoever I wanted. Because it was my choice. Only mine. And if they didn't understand, then there was nothing I could do. I couldn't change anyone's mind. I couldn't force anyone to listen to me. I couldn't change the entire school's opinions.

And that's how I sat there. My thoughts to keep me company and the window to look out of.

I walked out the second bell went. And this time, no one was after me. Waiting for me. No one said a word to me. I went to my locker. I slammed in my locker, and I ignored the fact that Yuu had asked me to wait outside my class for him. I ignored the thought of Yuu. Of what he had said to me. So you might not be like anyone from this school. But that just makes you even more normal.

I ignored the way some people purposely tried to bump into. Ignored guys who came out of their way to brush by me. I ignored their stupidity. Their bloody ignorance.

I just wanted to see Meiling. Or Yamazaki. Or Shiroi. I wanted to talk to them. To ask them about Syaoran. How he was. I wanted to ask them so many things about him.

I got to the backfield where their lot hanged out. From the distance I could make out Shiroi's wild hair. I could make out that Chiharu girl by the benches taking a swing out of something in her fist.

And then there was this girl in front of me. Tall and pretty and looking furious. Actually there were two other, but she was just in my face. And then her hands were at my shoulders pushing me back.

"Sakura right?" she spat, her face twisting and contorting that I backed away a few steps. I didn't say anything, because she didn't give me a chance to. "The bitch screwing my boyfriend?"

"Uh—," the words didn't come out because she gave me another sharp shove. And then another. After another.

"You fucking slut!" I didn't see her fist coming. I didn't see the other girls coming up around behind me. I wasn't thinking I guess. But I knew who she was. She was that girl who I'd see making out with Syaoran in the first few days of school. The girl by his side. The girl I'd last seen him kissing by our lockers.

Her punch hit me across my face, and it pinched so many needles that I stumbled.

"Wha—,"

She cut me off with another punch across my face and then the next thing I knew, we were in a tangle. I was trying to get away from the grasp of two girls. Shielding myself. Slashing out my arms. And hoping for the girl to just finish pulling my hair and kneeing me and slapping me and punching my neck.

I wasn't given an opportunity to get anything out of my mouth. But I could taste blood. Helpless tears. And this spurge of anger before I pulled my fist back and gave the girl everything I had in the face.

"Get the fuck off me!" I kicked her, then elbowed one of the other girls in the ribs. I was hurling around so madly that I never noticed the new faces. I never noticed hands holding me back. I was just panting. Furious. So… so damn angry. My hands were shaking. And I could feel my face burning.

But that girl's face was yet so near. Although her hands were held back, I could see her snarling and swearing. But I couldn't hear anything, but I could everything through my blurry eyes. I just fell back into whoever was holding me and their arms tightened.

For a second Syaoran came into my mind. For a second I was thinking about the same way he had held me back when I'd been on an angry mode at his party. For a stupid second, I expected him to be there. Holding me. Smiling at me. Oh God! I expected him to be there! Near me. Smiling at me. His mouth kissing me. My heart was racing and crying. I was screaming. That's when I heard myself. And that's when disappoint hit me the most. It wasn't Syaoran Li. It was just Yamazaki. His hands dragging me away. It wasn't Syaoran. It wasn't the guy I wanted it to be.

I was barely aware of Shiroi and Chiharu and a few other guys behind us.

But that was it.

I broke down for the third time that day.

I missed him. I missed him so much! If only he were there next to me, holding my hand. I would have had all the strength in the world to face anyone and everyone. If he were there with me, I wouldn't have cried a single tear. I would have happily kissed him in front of the entire school. If only he were there!

But he wasn't.

Not even his ghost.

He was just somewhere so far away. And I missed him.

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Author's Little Note:

Honestly, it is utterly depressing to write depressing things. That's how I feel anyway, and that's the reason I haven't been updating. And a bit of writer's block too. It's like I need to keep running into some sort of inspiration to write depressing pages.

Well, I have to tell you guys that HOH is somewhat nearing its end. Maybe three more chapters, including the epilogue. I'm still waging on what sort of an ending I should give this. Hoping for a bittersweet. Definitely not a fluff one, but who knows…knowing me, I might as well turn it sappy and happy.

I've decided to give this fic a sort of a theme song. 'Everything' by Lifehouse. Fell in love with it the first time I heard it. So please download it. Go on. The words fit in so well and the way everything builds up at the end is so awesome. By the way, also remember to check out my promo cover pic for this fic. You'll find it down on my bio page, where I have info on my current stories.

On the other hand, I'm sorry for the slow updates. Blame it on school and work. Balancing my life like this is getting quite tedious. So yeah…tell me how you liked this chappy!

P.S. Thank you to those who took time to write to me about my errors and the things I need to improve on. You guys are awesome! Rock on.