Disclaimer: JKR made it up, I stuffed it up.

Author's notes: I am back to my show-offy twisted humour writing style. Oh, and the plot should be at least mildly captivating. I hope you enjoy it. Please review with opinions!

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I Never Wanted the Stupid World Anyway

Chapter 1: Potter Pursuit Problems

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Severus Snape was not amused. The Cruciatus Curse he somehow endured, even the death threats were not too bad... But to tolerate a two hour lecture on manners from the Dark Lord, in a tone that may have been appropriate when addressing a four year old who drenched Mummy's copy of Witch Weekly in SkeleGro, but definitely insulting to a fully grown and mature wizard of remarkable wit and magical power? Severus found that despicable.

And all this fuss because he asked one of Dracula's descendants if he wanted a toothpick! A wooden toothpick. Well, it wasn't exactly pleasant to look at that spider leg stuck in the man's teeth, especially after being assigned to sit next to him during the entire International Death Eater Convention.

Now he wanted revenge. His initial idea was poison, but after some consideration he disregarded it as too bland. Next, his mind devised a series of extremely foolish retaliations, including the Transfiguration of Nagini into Dolores Umbridge's pink cardigan, placing a Knarl on the Dark Lord's chair, and even purchasing a Patented Daydream Charm from the Weasley twins...

Actually, it was the Patented Daydream Charm that gave him the ingenious idea. It drifted through the half-blood Prince's pretty head several times before he stopped to consider it properly. At first, he paused to send an angry Howler to a certain fanfiction writer who described his head as being pretty. Ashes from that Howler have been added to The Shrine.

The idea, namely Amortentia, did not like being ignored. It flashed like the cliche Muggle light bulb and spun around that same pretty head at a speed equivalent to Harry Potter's Firebolt.

That's right, the Love Potion. What would happen, Severus mused, if the cruel, cold, spiteful Lord Voldemort ingested a Love Potion? The thought was extremely tantalising, to the extent that Severus Snape set off to start preparing Amortentia immediately. It did take a whole month to prepare, after all.

As the Potion bubbled over blood red flames, exceeding desire for vengeance bubbled inside the ex Professor. He did not forgive humiliation easily, and the Dark Lord showed no signs of being apologetic. He ranted about his usual PPPs – Potter Pursuit Problems, with occasional breaks to work on the world's first Parseltongue Dictionary, attempts to plot new and excitingly complicated traps for The Chosen One with the standard loopholes, and when he was feeling especially jolly, attacked his loyal and not-so-loyal Death Eaters with false and not-so-false accusations. For example...

"My Lord, I really did not nibble that humongous hole in your favourite Swiss cheese!" Whined Wormtail.

"Then how did you know it was Swiss?" The Dark Lord retaliated with a sneer.

"I just...guessed..." Whimpered Wormtail.

"Crucio! NEXT!"

"I didn't even know that you need hair gel, your Lordship! Seeing as you...ahem...never mind. Well, I just thought that pot of hair gel – very good quality by the way – was just standing there and -" Drawled Draco.

"Did you just make references to my...lack of hair?" Lord Voldemort turned pink with fury.

"No, no, no, of course not! I would never -" Muttered Malfoy.

Fortunately, Draco evaded the Cruciatus Curse. Vile Volders also saw a necessity in sending a Howler, with demands to stop the use of "daft puns". This one didn't make The Shrine, but my daffodils are quite enjoying the ashes.

In that style, a month went by. The most remarkable thing that happened was another duel of Lord Voldemort with Harry Potter, but even the Prophet got sick of hearing that one. Potter once again escaped, with another lightning-bolt-shaped scar. This one was on his left buttock.

Unfortunately for the Snarry fans, the Severus Snape of this story was not particularly interested in investigating Potter's new scar any further. He was jubilant, for the Amortentia was finally ready, and it was decision-making time.

So, whom should Voldemort fall in love with? He mused. Potter? That would be amusing, of course, but he would still continue hunting the boy just as he is now, although for different purposes. But Potter would probably react the same upon hearing "I love you!" from Voldemort as he would from "Avada Kedavra!". It has got to be someone on the other side though...

He needed a better a candidate, and proceeded to make a list.

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Minerva McGonagall – Would probably Transfigure him into a hermit crab the instant he showed up at her doorstep with a bunch of daisies.

Rita Skeeter – Oh, we would definitely see some interesting press in that case! But, I am concerned for the fate of the Wizarding world after such press would be published...

Molly Weasley – I do feel slightly empathetic towards her and would rather spare her the trauma.

Dobby the House Elf – Um... I really shouldn't have read that Slash.

Peeves – Excellent idea, but I doubt the Potion is applicable to Poltergeists.

Mrs Norris – I'd love to witness the outcome, but it doesn't work on cats either.

Fenrir Greyback – Would almost certainly leave poor Voldie scarred for life. Literally.

Hermione Granger – A Muggle born. AND Potter's girlfriend...Or maybe it was Weasley's. Or Remus Lupin's. Or maybe even mine, come to think of it. You can never tell with those "Ships"...

Well, she might as well be Lord Voldemort's girlfriend from now on! Because, I swear on my jar of picked toads...Hang on; maybe that is not the most appropriate oath... I swear on the lightning-bolt-shaped scar on Potter's left buttock, that Hermione Granger will annoy the hell out of the Dark Lord!

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And with that promise, Severus proceeded to add the finishing touches to the Amortentia.

Vengeance will indeed be sweet, he thought as he stirred the mixture counter-clockwise, inhaling the smell of rain, black coffee, kittens, and that magical dusty scent of the Hogwarts library.

Excuse me for now; I seem to have yet another Howler to attend to.