Smooth
Chapter 2
By BluWhispers
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any of the characters that you will recognize from various anime, manga, games, books and movies.
Warning: This fic might disturb many of you. Firstly, it is YAOI. Meaning, GUY loves GUY, possibly GUY kiss GUY, and if this was a lemon fic it'd be GUY bang GUY explicitly. If homosexual love does not appeal to you, don't read this. You have been warned. Flames will NOT be appreciated and will definitely be ignored. Constructive criticism is always welcome though ) Secondly, the author's blatant misuse of characters might send many of you running. Thirdly, well…read at your own risk.
A/N: I got the idea from my older sister. Hope you guys like it. This fic will have a different tone from Nine Lives. Basically, this fic is written from Sasuke's POV. These are NOT journal entries per se. This is Sasuke thinking of what to write in the journal.
Summary: Sasuke is a conman, like the great Danny Ocean. Naruto….is complicated. Together, they will lie, cheat, steal, and find their happily ever after. This is Sasuke's chronicle of events. AU, YAOI, cross-dressing Naruto, SasuNaru, SasuLotsa-people (grins evilly), NejiSasu, KakaIru, NejiGaara, and lots more!
Rikouchan, this is a gift for you!
Also, thanks for the reviews everyone! It's great knowing that you guys like my work. I'll do better for you guys. I try to reply to each review individually, (Yeah, I'm from the old school) but it's kinda hard to do that for the anonymous souls. So anyway, this is a great big THANK YOU to all you guys who reviewed.
……………………………
I am glorious, I am legendary, I am incredible, I am Uchiha Sasuke.
Honestly, that about sums it up. Neji always tells me he's proud of my modesty. Isn't that sweet of him?
I awake with a warm body tangled around me. The evil, evil sun can't get us here. My room is protected by visors on the windows. The only light in the room is coming from the doorway leading to the study. In that dim glow, I can see that Kitsune is about my age. His make-up had rubbed off over the course of the night and our activities, but even without it his face was incredibly pretty. He had a kind of cherubic innocence, which, added to his blonde hair, lent him a strangely angelic appeal.
I squinted. Were those…ah yes, the famous whiskers that had defined the Kitsune at first. On his cheeks, old scars made him bear a resemblance to the fox. I stroke the dark lines with the tip of my finger, delighting in the way he follows my movements. Even in sleep, he's begging for more.
Normally, I wouldn't deny him. But I am in desperate need of a shower, cigarettes and coffee, in that order. So I crawl manfully out of bed, and I couldn't care less if I wake the Kitsune. I'm awake, so he has no right to still be asleep.
I'm clean, but on the verge of collapse. I manage to reach the kitchen, where some brilliant servant left a huge pot of godsent Turkish coffee waiting for me. I adore thee, slaves!
I gulp down the java, and I know I look like a drug addict (Neji told me that two years ago) but at least I look like a sexy drug addict.
Once I've downed my weight in caffeine, I pick up the tray laden with a very energizing breakfast and head back to my room. The poor Kitsune definitely needed something to pick himself up, after that intense night with me. I couldn't help it if I was the best thing that had ever happened to civilization.
I reach the room, it is strangely silent. I nudge the door open. The bed is empty.
That's odd. He shouldn't be able to walk, not after what I did to his ass.
I set the tray down, approach the bathroom. It is silent and dark, just like my entire wing.
I'm stumped. This is unheard of, unbelievable. NO ONE has ever left me after tasting my talents. Hmm…maybe he didn't leave. He's probably in the portrait room looking at my pictures! (The portrait room has ONLY my pictures).
I rush out, as I near the room I smooth my hair back. I know I'm sexy, but no harm looking more suave. I enter a silent room where my many faces smirk at me. I'm sidetracked for a moment, but there is this lovely nude painting of me doing some very delicious things to a ravishing auburn-haired beauty. Damn. Oh yeah, the Kitsune.
After a frantic search of the mansion, I have come to the very startling conclusion that the Kitsune left me.
AND that he had stolen my favorite pink bunny vibrator.
This meant war.
------------
Neji DARED say that Kitsune made a better girl than me. Well, I'm about to prove him wrong! Alright, so I was drunk when we made the bet. I'm certainly sober now.
I'm wearing a one piece tube dress, the hem of the leather piece barely covering my ass. HIGH black stiletoes glitter with sequins, and I wonder how the hell women stand, let alone walk and dance in these instruments of torture. Neji's putting make up on for me, and briefly I wonder where he picked up this girly skill. Then his hands are in my hair and I'm pissed off. I said I'd be a sexy girl, but he should know not to mess with my mane!
"You have to let it down if you wanna win, Sasuke." He shrugs, uncaring. "It's up to you, though."
…Who the hell does he think he is, telling me how to look good? I am the MASTER at looking fabulous. Gah. So what if my experience at primping only covered the men's area? Scowling, I let him brush my hair out. My room looks like Alcoholics Anonymous had entered in a whirlwind. There's almost a hundred empty bottles on the floor, and cigarette butts cover practically the entire floor. Neji and I have been indulging in heavy inebriation. I've been in mourning for my pink vibrator. It was a present from Britney Spears, I got it when I was 14! It has sentimental value, dammit!
I refuse to acknowledge that Neji's right and I'm in shock over Kitsune leaving me. Heck, I STILL refuse to acknowledge it. I'm sorry, Kitsune who?
Half an hour later, Neji's done. I turn to face him and raise an eyebrow. He's giving me that LOOK, and I smirk. I guess I've just won the bet. I turn to face the mirror, and my jaw drops.
I look hotter than Nicole Scherzinger of the Pussycat Dolls, and that's saying something.
I wolf-whistle at myself as I strut towards the mirror. Or rather, as I ATTEMPT to strut. I'd forgotten about the damned heels, and promptly collapse onto Neji. He's knocked out of his lust-induced stupor, and starts laughing at my graceful ways.
"How are you gonna win, 'uke?" He's chuckling like a mad hen.
I growl, shove myself up, making sure to knee him in the groin as I wobble shakily to a standing position. At his pained yell, I feel better about the world instantly. I frown as I look at myself in the mirror. There must be some technique to this whole high heel thing. I frown as I think back on all the models I've dated, and the way they walked when they came down the catwalks in monster heels.
That's it! Catwalk!
I focused on my hips in the mirror, slowly swinging them sensuously from left to right as I made my way over to my reflection. I smirk. I was getting the hang of this girl thing. I glance at Neji in the mirror, he's still on the floor watching me, but he's horny again, I can tell. I wiggle my butt flirtatiously, delighting in the way his pants tent up between his legs.
I was now ready to go out and show the world that Uchiha Sasuke, Sex on Two Legs, was WAY better than Kitsune at being a foxy mama.
-----------
I hate anyone being better than me, or thinking that they're better. I know that Neji might think he's more superior to me, seeing as how I let him ravage my ass whenever he sees me, but he seems to forget that if I didn't LET him, he would've died the minute he tried to get me under him. So if anyone has ANY edge over me, it's only because I LET them have it.
Fucking hell. I hate not being the best. It's unnatural! It goes against all laws of nature!
-------------
As we walk down the street, I can see many people ogling me. They're whistling and trying desperately to look up my virtually non-existent skirt. Men, women…they're all flocking around me and Neji, trying to get their hands on me.
"Hey, silver eyes. Who's that chick you're with?"
I whip around to glare at the questioner. It is surprisingly some guy I recognize, I think it's an ex-classmate. Seifer something or other. Are you telling me he didn't recognize me as the great Uchiha Sasuke? Alright so the people on the streets know me by many names, but they do generally call me Lucifer. Something about me possessing the devil's charm. It's creepy how close they came to guessing my true identity – the Sharingan after all is the 666 of Satan.
HOW COULD ANYONE NOT RECOGNIZE ME?!
Neji's pulling me along, a hand on the small of my back. He's talking now, I'm dimly aware of the words as I conjure up a million different ways to punish Seifer for not realizing who he had been wolf-whistling.
"You really DO look different, 'uke." Neji's giving me a sideways glance, in the neon lights his eyes are freaking me out. I give him a wordless grunt as an answer, and we continue on our way.
We reach a door. There are two ladies standing guard, both of them have their hair sticking up on both sides of their heads. They're dressed the way you'd expect those odd anime characters to dress, but damn if they don't look good. The brunette has her hair in two buns on the top of her head, and her dress is vaguely Chinese, though it's so figure-hugging that I think her ancestors must be rolling in their graves. Blondie is wearing netting, with the barest opaque cloth covering the essentials. She's got two stumpy tails sticking out on top of her head, I think she was trying for the same look as the brunette.
"Who's your friend, sexy?" the one with the buns purrs.
I'm about to answer her, when I realize she had been aiming the question at Neji. Miffed, I glare at her balefully.
"Her name's…"I could tell Neji was dying to spill my real name. Bastard. I tried to think up a female name, and vaguely remembered something about a Lempicka.
"Lolita." My voice, which I've disguised, makes me sound like a lady with a very husky, come-hither set of pipes.
"Hmm…aren't you too old for that?" The blonde with stubby hair gives me a crude once over. Ooh…bitch you're gonna pay for that. I'm still 21 dammit! Oh wait. NOW I remember. Uncle's porn collection, little girls and old men. Fucking hell! I am sure as hell NOT a Lolita!
"Lucy, her name's Lucy." WOW, Neji, why don't you just tell them I'm from Kansas next, and that this is my first time in the BIG city.
"She's from Kansas, and this is her first time in the big city." He gives them both a smirk, and they smirk in return. Is it just me or is everyone smirking nowadays? Dammit, I haven't copyrighted mine yet. And why the hell are they looking at me as though I was some juicy piece of meat? The ladies had razor-sharp talons, from what I could see. Ok…this was officially getting scary.
They were moving in on me, and normally I would love having two sexy ladies giving me this much attention, but they were pretty freaky and something told me they weren't normal. Why, oh why did Neji have to bring me here?
----------
"I need your help, 'uke."
That got my attention. Neji NEVER needs my help. He's perfect, a Boy Wonder.
"In exchange, I'll help you track down your pink bunny vibrator." My admiration for Neji rose. He knew JUST how to play his cards. He's very skilled at negotiation.
"What is it?" I'm having my eighth bottle of tequila, and this must be my twelfth pack of cigarettes in the span of 10 hours. I'm in mourning for my vibrator.
"I need you to help me infiltrate the Sunagakure. It's the district on the shadier side of town, I'm sure you've heard of it."
Of course I've heard of it, who hasn't? It's Sin City, it's Las Vegas version 1, it's my dream home. Debaunchery on the streets, alcohol and narcotics overflowing…it was a sinner's unrepentant heaven.
"I need you along coz I'm gonna be posing as a pimp."
I was hysterical. NEJI was gonna be a pimp daddy? This was rich! Count me in!
Wait. If Neji's the pimp…that means that I'm…
"Like hell I'm gonna be a pros!" I'm snarling at him. It's not that I'm hurt he considers me a whore, heck I'm James Bond after all. But I refuse to masquerade as a woman. How degrading was that? If Neji thought that just because I let him be on top then I was a woman, he was dead wrong. I was so incensed, I downed the entire bottle of Jose Cuervo. Instantly the world started spinning. Whoa. Guess I wasn't ready for that much alcohol yet.
"I knew you'd say that. Guess the Kitsune will always be a better pros than you. He's much sexier as a female too." Neji's turned away from me, sipping sedately at his bottle of Ballantine's. Yeah he's a whisky drinker. It suits him too, his voice resembles that amber water of life. He's smooth, heady, intoxicating. And I know that I'm drunk when I start comparing people's voices to alcoholic beverages.
Did Neji just say that someone's better than me?
"You know what, I'll do it. I'd make a better pros than that Kitsune any day!"
Alright, I'm officially drunk. What the fuck did I just say?
----------
Blondie's ear-ring started beeping. Scowling, she pressed it, cocked her head. She seemed to be listening to something, but I couldn't pay much attention to her. Buns was trying to get her hand up my skirt. I KNEW IT. They were freakin' dykes. Ordinarily I loved lesbians, they made for erotic threesomes. But somehow it wasn't so erotic now that I was a girl. Guess now I understand how people feel when uncle hits on them. It's a wonder what Iruka saw in him.
"Alright the two of you can go in. You'll be escorted to the Boss." Blondie's miffed that she lost the chance to grope me. Whoever you are who beeped her, I love you.
I barely make it through the door, with Neji by my side, when I'm getting groped all over by sweaty, horny men. Normally I'd be fine with it, but I was supposed to be a girl and if their hands went a hair's breadth higher they'd know I'm all male and our covers would be blown. There is no way in hell I'm gonna let anyone know that their god Lucifer turned trannie.
"Back off, guys. They're the Boss's guests."
It's Smoke. What the hell is she doing here?
"Hey, Lucy." She's grinning. "Short for Lucifer, huh Neji?"
What the hell…how did this girl know everything? I thought I was the only one with an IQ that didn't run in the double digits! Regardless, I'm so grateful to see her here, I could kiss her. Obviously I don't do that, because it would ruin my very perfectly applied red lipstick.
Smoke's leading us to the back of the room, where two huge, identical guys with painted faces are standing guard beside a wrought-iron door.
"They're here to see the Kazekage, Kankuro." Smoke's talking to one of them, while I feel the entire room of men eyeing me. Is this what terror is?
The door swings open, we're led through a maze of winding passages. I ask Smoke how come she's here and how she knows mine and Neji's identities.
She shrugs. "I know a lot of people." That's all she says. Well, now I know that this is one dangerous lady.
She looks better tonight, not as good as me, but her odd charm more than makes up for it. Though I can't seem to get my mind around it. Why would Smoke be in the seediest district in town, and why is she escorting us to the Boss of Sunagakure? Was she his aide? Or was, heaven forbid, Trowa the Boss? If so then would Neji and I be killed for this undercover operation? I refuse to die in this ridiculous get-up! I've already planned what I'm gonna wear when I die, and it's a far cry from this hooker attire. I refuse to let anyone see me in a pink, frilly, g-string. How Neji got it on me, I'll never understand. Oh yeah. He has talented hands.
We reach the end of the maze at last, and Smoke pushed open a heavy door. Inside, it was lit in red. Very seductive atmosphere. I'm impressed. Maybe I should remodel my room.
We step in, and Smoke goes to a figure hidden by a sheer curtain. In the dim light I can barely make out several others in the room with us. I recognize none, but I think Neji remembers a few of their faces from the CIA's Most Wanted list, judging by the slight widening of his eyes. His Byakugan allows him to see in the dark, as his eyes are practically reflectors of light, they're pure silvery white and pupil-less. I've often wondered how he can see colors. Oh well. Semen is white, and holes are black. That's all he needs to know, right?
"Lucy will work next door." A voice like…malt. Somehow perfectly suited to Neji's voice of whisky. I wonder who's behind the curtain. Smoke has disappeared. "Neil will stay here to…talk business." I can tell from the tone of voice that something's up. I look to Neji, he shrugs. What can the two of us do against so many armed guards?
I allow one to escort me next door, all the while mentally screaming death threats. I had to work next door? Oh PLEASE don't let it be one of those kinky massage parlors, or bondage houses! Or worse, S&M! I was NOT into those things! Please oh please just let it be straight, normal sex that involved just penises and holes. Oh wait. I couldn't even let them know that I was a guy! Oh shit oh fuck oh tra la la-ing donkey!
I think the guard heard my very faint, very manly whimper. He looked down at me (even wearing heels the fucking bastard was still taller than me!) and smirked. I was officially scared out of my wits.
Hmm…maybe I should seduce him into letting me run away? Judging by his appreciative glances, it wouldn't be hard. I figure a hand in his pants and a warm mouth on his exposed chest should do it. Heck, I was getting turned on thinking about it. He wasn't ugly, not by a long shot. He was quite gorgeous, with long silver hair, and glowing green eyes. And that body…I shivered. Wait, not good. My dress was short enough, I didn't need to get turned on!
Okay…think think…Neji in a thong? Fuck, not good. Getting VERY aroused. Um…Kakashi and dolphins! Oh dammit I don't think I'll ever celebrate Father's Day.
We reach a door, which my escort yanks open. I'm shoved in very roughly and I begin to think that it's time to seduce him and run when I look around.
I see…brown birds. Oh my god. I was supposed to have farm sex! Wait…the birds looked dead. Fuck, that meant I had to be a necrophiliac as well!
"Sephiroth, this the new chick?" I see spiky black hair, and seconds later another gorgeous guy emerges. I feel weak kneed. Well, maybe if I could have some fun with him I wouldn't mind doing the birds.
"Yeah." Sephiroth's voice is a sin in itself. So smooth, yet rough. I find myself wishing that they would let me skip straight to the good old fashioned boinking.
"Alright. Come on. We're short up front. Have you ever waitressed? You look like the type." Spiky's leading me out front, and I'm enjoying the contact with him very much, though I would have preferred it to be Sephiroth holding me. Wait a second. Waitress? What the fuck do I look like, a commoner? I am the great Sasuke Uchiha, you imbecilic fucker. I do NOT waitress.
"No time to brief you on the menu, just write down whatever they say. And remember that today's special is roasted duck." With that, I'm dragged into a Chinese restaurant that looks like something from Chinatown. Every eye in the place turns to me, and I smile weakly. I think I've just become the menu.
"I want wan tan mee, sui gao, prawn chee cheong fun, chao fun, chao mai fun, chao min, sweet potato leaves, lotus root, pork…"
I'm fucked. I had barely written the first thing this stupid boy ordered! His companions, a gently smiling black-haired man, a rakish red-head, and a blonde in a monk get-up look as though it was normal for the little brat to be ordering so much.
"What's the special for today, sexy?" The redhead looks as though he's wishing I'll tell him that I'M the special.
"Ma…ma…Gojyo you shouldn't flirt so in front of your boyfriend, ne?" Blackie's trying to hold down a very enraged blonde monk.
Special? I couldn't remember. Did Spikes tell me? I'm pretty sure he did. But…oh fuck it. No point trying to remember. They're looking at me, and I think I'd better hurry coz blondie looks like he's getting out of the very firm grip his friend has him in.
I guess I have to improvise. But how to improvise when I know next to nothing of waitressing and cheap Chinese restaurants? Alright, what could I remember of the Chinese? Um…Buns from earlier, in her tight Chinese outfit. No, not in the kitchens. Emperors and concubines. Doubt they had it in stock. The vaginal exercises of concubines. Definitely not in the inventory. Goddammit! I couldn't think of any Chinesey food! And they were giving me very odd looks. I have to admit though, the blonde looked damn sexy struggling and panting in the raven-haired guy's grip.
Fuck, I'm getting turned on again.
Okay this was NOT going well. I had to be creative, and it couldn't be sexual! Dammit, my creativity extended ONLY to the kama sutra. Yeah, so what if all my brain cells went to my dick? At least I have a very nice penis, and I've seen them in all shapes and sizes and colors.
The blasted monkey of a child was still staring at me expectantly, and I suspect the redhead with the cockroach hairstyle was thinking more along the lines of dessert. Alright time to get serious, the blondie with purple eyes was looking distinctly ticked off with his red-haired boyfriend's lecherous stares. What was in the kitchens? I recalled seeing some odd type of bird, roasted…fuck? No, shit! Umm….roasted…dick? NO!!! Um…..what do you get when you combine dick and fuck???
That's it! DUCK!
"We have duck with orange, duck with lemon, and duck surprise!" I felt so proud of myself.
"What's duck surprise?" AGH! Dammit you stupid monkey-boy! Now I have to think again!
"That's…duck with no orange or lemon!" There, I was officially a genius. And by the looks on their faces, they were probably stumped by my intellect. Heh. Damn, I'm good.
----------------
"We should not be unhappy that we have so little, we should instead be unhappy that we cannot give more."
That was what a priest told me, not too long ago. And for those of you who don't believe I went to church, well you guys are absolutely right. I didn't go to church. I met the braided priest in a bar. I chatted him up, or HE chatted me up I can't remember, and we went back to his place. His purple eyes were so earnest as he gave me a sermon, then his eyes rolled back as he came between us. His ass was so tight I thought I'd found Heaven. Then his husband came in, and the guy was drop-dead sexy, with smoldering Prussian eyes, just-out-of-bed hair, and a body that was chiseled by angels. We had a VERY enjoyable time.
When I got home, though, I was stumped. Why were there so many beautiful people in the world? It wasn't fair, dammit. I was supposed to be the most beautiful of all! I went into depression, with only the mirror for company. It lasted a day. By which time, Iruka was so frantic, he threatened to turn Kakashi into a eunuch if Uncle K didn't do something. Which led to me and Uncle K having a father-son moment on the couch with chips and beer. Never mind that I was underage at the time, Kakashi cheerfully told an irate Iruka. Mr Budweiser was a very nice man. Halfway through the bonding session of One Night In Paris, I had an epiphany.
The reason why there were so many beautiful people in the world, I realized, was so I could boink them all!
I promptly left to spend the night in Hilton, Paris. In every sense of the word. And Kakashi got to make nice Under the Sea music with his dolphin.
--------------
"The restaurant was a front." I'm telling Neji. "They pass out assassination orders through the menu, and customers pay with plastic, even for a measly bowl of soup! I'm guessing that's how they handle transactions between clients and assassins."
Neji's not listening to me. Dammit, what's wrong with him? I had just endured 8 hours in killer heels serving food to extremely hot killers. Now I was nursing blisters the size of strawberries on my feet, and that damned cousin of mine had an odd, dreamy look.
"NEJI HYUUGA!" I yell right into his ear. He's got really sensitive ears. It's fun doing naughty things to them.
He falls off the bed, landing on his perfect ass. I laugh, he looks so idiotic. It's not a common look on him, this confused, embarrassed, wincing Neji is new to me.
He's scowling now. "What?"
I sigh, impatient. Fucking idiot. "Did you hear a single thing I said?"
He looks like he's trying really hard to remember. I take pity on him and pull him up to bed, lying back down with him on top of me. With a sigh, I lean up to kiss him.
What we did after that was of course very enjoyable, and I was interested in knowing where Neji'd picked up his new tricks from. If my guess is right, that shady Kazekage is the reason for my cousin's dreaminess and my extremely sore and satisfied ass. I guess I'd have to pump the information from Neji later. For now I had some urgent matters to settle, and Neji's mouth looked like it was heading in the right direction. South.
--------
"Hi, I'm Naruto Uzumaki." His baby blue eyes are mesmerizing, his smile is shy.
"Sasuke Uchiha." I reach out, shake his hand. A jolt runs through me at the contact. Bastard put a buzzer in his palm.
He giggles at my shudder, and instantly I'm wondering if the buzzer would fit somewhere more…intimate. Say, a certain blonde thief's g-spot?
A/N: The duck surprise scene was taken from my favorite British comedy series, FAWLTY TOWERS. While I'm sure Basil Fawlty didn't think of the dick and fuck part, the duck surprise menu is entirely his.
Also, I have never watched One Night In Paris. Wonder what it's like. ;) Just kidding. It's not my kinda thing.
Whisky comes from the Gaelic uisge/uisce beatha meaning "water of life", and is ultimately derived from Latin aqua vitae.
The food ordered in the Chinese restaurant are some of the more common types. I hope you guys understood the names.