Smooth

Chapter 3

By BluWhispers

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or any of the characters that you will recognize from various anime, manga, games, books and movies.

Warning: This fic might disturb many of you. Firstly, it is YAOI. Meaning, GUY loves GUY, possibly GUY kiss GUY, and if this was a lemon fic it'd be GUY bang GUY explicitly. If homosexual love does not appeal to you, don't read this. You have been warned. Flames will NOT be appreciated and will definitely be ignored. Constructive criticism is always welcome though ) Secondly, the author's blatant misuse of characters might send many of you running. Thirdly, well…read at your own risk.

A/N: I got the idea from my older sister. Hope you guys like it. This fic will have a different tone from Nine Lives. Basically, this fic is written from Sasuke's POV. These are NOT journal entries per se. This is Sasuke thinking of what to write in the journal. SORRY FOR THE DELAY!!!

Summary: Sasuke is a conman, like the great Danny Ocean. Naruto….is complicated. Together, they will lie, cheat, steal, and find their happily ever after. This is Sasuke's chronicle of events. AU, YAOI, cross-dressing Naruto, SasuNaru, SasuLotsa-people (grins evilly), NejiSasu, KakaIru, NejiGaara, and lots more!

Rikouchan, this is a gift for you!

Also, thanks for the reviews everyone! It's great knowing that you guys like my work. I'll do better for you guys. I try to reply to each review individually, (Yeah, I'm from the old school) but it's kinda hard to do that for the anonymous souls. So anyway, this is a great big THANK YOU to all you guys who reviewed.

……………………………

Well…this was a new situation. Meeting the infamous Hokage was always a dubious honor. The stories I'd heard about this lady were many and varied. Some say she was a princess, some that her dad or granddad was the original Godfather. Whatever the case, she controlled the better part of the underground, being blessed with sheer size of territory and the talents within her given area. Not to mention, the Kitsune had sworn undying loyalty to her.

Since I'd helped Neji at Sunagakure, he'd found out quite a lot of facts about the Kitsune. Most notable was the fact that the blonde was an infamous thief, and that he'd been genetically modified as a child, carrying a sort of secret weapon in his stomach.

Who the hell puts secret WMDs in the stomach of a newborn baby?

Anyway as I was saying, I was being led to meet the esteemed Hokage. I wasn't blind-folded, apparently it was a sign of faith and trust – sinner to sinner.

Smoke led me to wooden sliding doors, pulling them aside for me to enter. How this lady gets to be everywhere, I have no idea. If my life were a story, I'd say she was one of those plot things that pops up in the story to make sure things go smoothly.

I stepped in, and stared at quite possibly the biggest rack I'd ever seen in my life. Hell, Pam An was barely out of puberty compared to the size of the Hokage's boobs!

"Had enough of a look?" Her voice yanked my attention to her face, and I blinked at how very young she looked. She must've been at least 50, given the stories about her, but the lady sitting before me looked scarcely 25. I HAD to get whatever drug she was on.

She gestured for me to sit, and I did.

"Uchiha Sasuke, this is an honor." She smiled, and I started to realize why guys went mad over MILFs. For me, I'd had a couple older women, but I had enough young ones to keep me occupied. Besides, I didn't like the wrinkles I saw on the moms I'd done when they started getting emotional. Made me realize that one day I'd be like that. "My name is Tsunade. But most refer to me as Hokage."

"I suppose you're wondering what I'd like to speak to you about?" She continued, once I'd responded to her introduction intelligently. "It's about Hogwarts."

Instantly I was rapt, alert. Hogwarts was famous. Every thief's and conman's dream. If you could make off with just ONE of the geishas there, you'd be set for life. But more than that, it was the challenge of succeeding where everyone else had failed and died. The geishas were notorious for their tricks – sleights of hand, illusions. AND they were extremely talented escape artists. It was impossible to tie them down.

Some said they were witches, but this was the 21st century. There were bitches, but no witches.

………………….

Naruto had his pants down and was hastily pumping away at his dick.

"UZUMAKI! THIS IS HARDLY THE TIME FOR MASTURBATION, YOU BLOODY ANIMAL!"

I couldn't believe it. We had Ghosts and the DA (Dumb-Asses) closing in on us, and the freakin' blonde could still get horny? He's definitely a natural blonde.

"Uchiha don't you know ANYTHING? This is the Kyuubi specialty! Remember how Naruto's got a genetically modified weapon placed in his stomach? Well, if he pumps himself just right, his ejaculation becomes high-velocity projectiles!"

This was the biggest load of crap I'd ever heard. The exploding cum?

I didn't realize I'd said it out loud till Lee nodded and said "Yeah something like that."

There's a roar outside the room, the guards of Hogwarts are coming closer. Alright, if this is how it had to be…I shove Lee aside, and help Naruto pump faster on his erection. Damn, he looked good. Maybe I should just shove my dick in…no no we're about to die, must help Naruto masturbate. Pump, pump, pump!

The door is shredded, and the green-eyed scarred geisha poster boy's standing there, looking very angry. I'm pumping so hard, my muscles are aching. Will Naruto just bloody CUM?!

"Now, Naruto! Cum! CUM!!!!" I'm screaming, and so is Lee. Finally Naruto throws back his head, and he yells out some gibberish (sounded vaguely like ShiShiRendan, I didn't know he still used the baby language for piss). Lee's hands are over mine, guiding Naruto's erection as it shoots out gallons of sticky white liquid. I watch fascinated as the liquid explodes on impact with the wall. Maybe Lee was right after all.

Hey this is pretty fun. I can write my name!

"UCHIHA! Focus!"

Oh right. Ok, aim at the DA's and Hogwart's laser weapons. Watch them blow up under the funky semen from the Kitsune. This is really cool!

Oh crap. Naruto's out of semen, and there's more angry geishas approaching. Lee's in his taijutsu stance, and he looks like a freakin' idiot. These geishas have laser guns and lightsabers! And he wants to take it to hand-to-hand combat. Oh waddling duck!

Apparently the geishas aren't prized for their intelligence. A red-head just threw down his "wand" and leapt at Lee. Some others are following suit, notably two huge burly guys. Lee finishes them easily.

Naruto's still on the ground panting. I can see that Lee's tiring already, it's not easy taking on hundreds of pissed off geisha. Well, I guess I'd have to use the Sharingan.

I stand up, take a deep breath. Instantly the entire Hogwarts focuses on me. What can I say? I'm charming.

I focus, and instantly I feel the chip whir to life in my brain. When I open my eyes, the swirling Sharingan instantly enlightens the assembly as to who I am. I concentrate, hone the energy. And envelope the room (with the exception of Lee and Naruto) in my mind warp. I put Hogwarts into a nightmare, they'll meet in Dreamscape somewhere. For now, I need to rest. I think I overworked my brain, my vision's getting hazy.

It's strange. In this blur, Naruto actually looks like he cares about me.

But that's ridiculous. We're thieves, conmen, liars, prostitutes.

He looks beautiful though. Then I can't see him anymore, instead I'm reliving the trauma of my past.

Itachi, I haven't forgotten. I'll kill you someday. It's because of you, my perfect childhood was wrecked. Why the hell did you do it?

Why the hell did you take part in the pageant and steal the first prize from me?

A/N: Ok that was short. Sorry! I've been busy moving! And Rikou, I haven't forgotten! I still gotta beta your work! Thanks for being so patient, everyone!