Author's note: I still own nothing.
Mario & Wario: The Greedlock
Chapter 2: Sore Sports
The Wariomobile roared down the sandy dunes of Gritzy Desert, its three passengers each trying to not get into each other's way. Wario was driving in silence, while Mario was twiddling his thumbs. Stuffwell would have broken the silence if he was not deactivated and in the car's trunk. Captain Syrup's latest request was for the two mustachioed men to steal the Golden Shell, the trophy given out at the Koopa Bowl. The group had decided that in spite of the lack of virtue, they should let Wario just steal the thing and avoid any arguing. Of course, that was not about to happen.
In the middle of Gritzy Desert lies the Koopa Stadium. Once an ancient structure, Bowser renovated the building for sporting events for his subjects. Therefore, Wario found the parking lot completely mobbed with doom tanks, doom speeders, clown cars, and other deadly vehicles.
"Wah!" he exclaimed, "I can't find any parking spaces!"
Mario, at the risk of being yelled at, said, "Why don't you park a bit farther away?"
"No way, Mario," yelled Wario. "Besides, I have a better idea, like always!"
"Wario proceeded to rev up the engine, and the Wariomobile hurtled forward. Mario covered his eyes as the purple convertible smashed through the thick walls of the stadium – and knocked down a purple-robed Magikoopa in the process.
"Hey, watch where you're going, you fool!" rasped Kammy, Bowser's head advisor. "That's no way to treat an elderly woman!" Using her magic wand, Kammy conjured the most powerful, complicated, and all around deadly spell known to Magikoopas, a Big Yellow Block. Wario rammed the car right into the block and was sent hurtling, along with Mario, right into the center of the field, where some Charging Chucks were practicing. It was not long until Kammy came on her broom, along with the Koopa King himself, Bowser.
"Gwahahahar!" laughed the King. "If it isn't Mario, my nemesis, and that fat guy whose name I currently can't remember, trespassing on my private stadium!"
Kammy cackled along with Bowser. "Your Brutalness, perhaps you should show them what happens to trespassers."
"What do you mean? I think Mario finally thinks he's good enough for some real sports. It's not like I took Peach or anything, so why would he want to fight me?"
"But your Massiveness, I believe that now is an opportune time to rid of your nemesis once and for all!"
"I've got it; I'll enter Mario and this other guy into the tournament. He's obviously bored with his unending genre of Mario-themed sports! I'll show him some real action!"
"Your Gnarliness, as your advisor, I strongly suggest …"
"Kammy, take these two to the lockers. That's an order!"
Kammy sighed. "Right away, your Competitiveness." Under her breath, she added, "Why does Bowser even need an advisor if he never takes any advice?"
Thus Mario and Wario found themselves in a run down locker room that smelled strongly of turtle soup. Mario was switching his Super Boots for tennis shoes, while Wario was swinging a massive bat around. A Hammer Bro dressed in a referee's garb entered the room, and called for Mario.
"Mario, sir, your singles match is ready." Mario grabbed a tennis racket and headed to the court, while Wario followed to watch him screw up, forgetting Mario's strong tennis skills.
Waiting in the stands was only Bowser and Kammy. "Well, Mario, this match is occurring only because one of my children signed up for the Mario Tennis games, but was turned down. Before the Koopa Bowl, I want you to duke it out in a singles match! Come out, Larry."
Larry Koopa, carrying his personal shell-themed tennis racket, strolled onto the court. Mario remembered this "Koopaling" as the tennis fanatic in Bowser's family. However, Wario, who had never seen Larry before, shouted "Wah ha ha! A Koopa with blue hair? All this blue stuff is making my face turn blue!"
Larry started the match by spitting up a fireball into the air, then serving the ball to Mario. The plumber made a perfect swing, but the tennis racket only managed to catch on fire.
"That's fifteen - love!" rasped Kammy, changing the scoreboard. Wario laughed at Mario and said "Hey Larry, way to play dirty!"
Mario, not the least bit fazed, exchanged his racket for a flame-retardant one, and, with the use of a Fire Flower, served a fireball at Larry. The two competitors volleyed the ball for a long time, causing Wario to become bored. "Aah! I'm bored!"
This distracted Larry enough to cause him to miss the ball. "Fifteen all!" called out Kammy. "Wah ha ha!" called out Wario. "Hey, you're cheating!" called out Bowser. "Well were even now," called out Mario. Larry remained silent, but tossed his racket at Wario who by now was tired of getting hit on the head.
A referee ran up to Wario as Larry went to get another racket. "Excuse me, sir, but your heckling is interfering with the game. Please go back to the locker room."
Frustrated, Wario left the field, leaving Mario and Larry to finish their game in peace. However, he was surprised to find one of the lockers rattling vigorously. Using a great shoulder barge, Wario knocked Toadette, the mushroom girl, right out of the locker.
"Ah hah!" said Wario. "You're really just trying to snoop on me, aren't you? Well, no one can resist Wario, I suppose."
"Actually," replied Toadette while rubbing her bruised head, "I found a really nice chest in this locker room. Some Koopas found me and shoved me into that locker."
Wario pushed Toadette over, searching thoroughly for the chest. When he found it and opened it up, he did not find any treasure, though, just a very SHINY pair of gloves.
"Isn't it wonderful, Wario?" asked Toadette.
"Hey, I already have gloves! I don't need this power up that will probably allow me to perform some sort of ridiculous stunt that will somehow be beneficial on my quest!"
"Were you even listening to yourself? Anyway, these are Hurly Gloves! They let you throw things."
"I am already very good at throwing things." Wario proceeded to throw a baseball bat into the wall, causing both to crack.
"Well, um, the Hurly Gloves will allow you to throw heavy objects as well."
Wario picked up the heavy chest and threw it hard, making a lovely hole in the wall.
"Hmm…" Toadette thought hard. "These gloves will let you throw Mario."
"Gimme those gloves now!" shouted Wario as he snatched the Hurly Gloves from Toadette. Throwing away his old, sweaty gloves, he put on the new SHINY gloves. He then tried out his new power by hurling Toadette through the hole in the wall.
"See you later, Wario," called out the mushroom girl before she landed in a heap of dirty laundry.
As Wario began to flex his muscles and make really cool poses in the mirror, a different Koopa referee came into the locker room. "Wario, sir, you are wanted on the baseball diamond." Wario waddled outside, finding the diamond to be completely empty. In the stands were Bowser, Kammy, Mario, and Larry, as well as Iggy Koopa, the bespectacled son of Bowser.
"Hey, Wario," called Mario, "I won the singles match!" Wario did not reply, as he could not care less.
Bowser then spoke up. "Okay, fat guy; let me tell you the scoop. My youngest son Lemmy has been practicing baseball, and he thinks you can't strike him out. If you can strike out Lemmy, you and Mario can compete for the Golden Shell."
Wario was confused. "Who's Lemmy? Is Mr. Four-Eyes in the stands Lemmy? He doesn't look too tough."
Iggy growled at Wario while Bowser said, "Of course not, you fool, this is Lemmy's fraternal twin Iggy. Lemmy is right behind you!"
Sure enough, a short Koopaling with googly eyes, a thick helmet, and an oversized baseball bat was standing behind Wario. "What, I have to pitch for him?" whined Wario. "He hardly even has a strike zone!" Lemmy replied by whacking Wario to the pitcher's mound. Looking down, Wario saw a large pile of baseballs.
"Okay, squirt, you better be ready for the Wario!" Wario started to wind up for the pitch, Lemmy went into a batting position, and Iggy took out a foam finger with Lemmy's face on it. However, Wario knew that his new Hurly Gloves would make this game end fast. Wario released an amazing fast ball, beaming Lemmy right in the face. "Ball!" rasped Kammy.
"Oops," said Wario. "At least the kid's got a helmet." Being the sneaky guy he was, Wario decided to end this lame game as fast as possible: by cheating. While Lemmy was prying the baseball from his eye socket with the help of Iggy, Wario secretly pocketed two baseballs.
"You better not hit my son again, or there will be trouble!" growled Bowser.
"Quiet down; it won't happen again." Wario saw that Lemmy was ready for the next pitch. However, he was obviously not ready for the next pitch at all, as Wario quickly threw three baseballs in rapid succession right down the center of home plate. "Three strikes already?" gasped Kammy as Lemmy threw his bat down in frustration.
"Wario!" roared Bowser, finally remembering his name, "You are a horrible cheater! That's the true spirit of a real athlete! The Koopa Bowl starts in thirteen seconds.
Those thirteen seconds were spent rapidly as Mario and Wario rushed to the main stadium. Kammy and Bowser rushed to their self reserved seats as well, leaving only the three Koopalings on the baseball diamond. "I hate it when we get no dialogue!" whined Iggy.
The stadium was completely packed with screaming turtles, which would not make any sense whatsoever if this was not the Mushroom Kingdom. Koopas of all kinds packed the stands as Mario and Wario ran into the field. It was then that Mario noticed something horrible.
"Oh no, this is a football field!" cried the plumber. "I've never played football before!"
"Quit underlining the word 'football' in your speech, Mario!" grumbled Wario. Wario then noticed the opponent. "Oh, Shoot!"
"What's wrong?" asked Mario. "Is our opponent that bad?"
"No, he's not really that bad."
"What's his name, anyway?"
"I just told you! Are you deaf or something? His name is Shoot!"
"That's right!" taunted the tall, muscular, athletic bunny rabbit. "I'm Shoot, the most athletic rodent in the Mushroom Kingdom! Today we're playing football, Wario!" Shoot ran to the fifty-yard line, followed by the two men.
"Ladies and gentlemen!" rasped Kammy into the microphone. "It's the time you've all been waiting for! Five time champion Shoot will face challengers Mario and Wario! The first side to score a touchdown wins! Let the Koopa Bowl begin!" The football fans screamed wildly as Kammy rang a large gong.
"Wait!" shouted Mario. "Doesn't football have, well, a ball?"
Wario shook his head. "The one thing you should know when playing against Shoot is that he never uses a ball."
"That's right, Mario!" said Shoot. "Since you don't know how I play football, let me show you!" Shoot jumped very high into the air, which rabbits tend to be very prolific at, and landed on Mario, squishing his body into a ball. Shoot then kicked Mario for a gain of twenty yards!
In retaliation, Wario jumped on top of Shoot's head, but Shoot, who had had much more than thirteen seconds to prepare for the game, had a football helmet on. Wario fell onto the ground as the not-squished-into-a-ball Shoot laughed. "It looks like football isn't your thing, Wario! You're not even wearing a helmet! The only sports gear I see you wearing are those SHINY gloves, but those can't possibly help at all!"
Wario suddenly came up with an idea, which is pretty rare when it comes to him. Running awkwardly backwards, he grabbed Mario, who was still bouncing around as a ball.
"What are you doing, Wario?" asked Mario nervously.
With great strength, Wario hurled Mario at his large-eared opponent at an almost breakneck speed (Mario's neck would break at a breakneck speed). Shoot's eyes bugged out as Mario hit him squarely in the chest, sending the two rolling all the way into the end zone!
"Touchdown! Cough, cough, cough," hacked Kammy. As Wario posed for the fans, Bowser angrily threw the Golden Shell at Wario, hitting him in the head, of course.
Later, Mario and Wario were walking back to the Wariomobile, carrying their, or rather Captain Syrup's, trophy. As Wario opened the trunk to stick the Golden Shell inside, Stuffwell popped out.
"Oh, happies!" exclaimed the luggage. "It is great to once again bask in the illumination. Relief sequence activated!"
Wario grabbed the suitcase, threw in the trophy, hurled Stuffwell back into the trunk, and closed it tight.
"Hey, Wario," said Mario, "I didn't know that you were so good at sports."
"Shut up and get in the car," grumbled Wario. Despite Mario's kind words, Wario would not turn soft and be nice back. Without any further speech, Wario started the convertible and started the long drive back to his castle.