Author's note: I own nothing in this story. Also, I don't do accents.
Mario & Wario: The Greedlock
Chapter 3: Food Fights
Captain Syrup frantically rummaged through Wario's refrigerator, tossing out garlic chicken, garlic pasta, garlic soup, garlic ice cream, fresh garlic, nasty garlic, and even garlic soda. "Argh! Is there any food in here that doesn't contain any garlic?"
"Don't worry, captain," shouted Goom-Goom, who was in Wario's bathroom brushing his teeth with garlic toothpaste. "I've heard that garlic is good for you!"
"Garlic is good in moderation, but this is ridiculous!" shouted Princess Peach, who was locked up in Wario's never-used guestroom. Although she was not uncomfortable, her breath had started to reek of garlic.
As Captain Syrup was giving up her search for a decent meal, she heard loud honking from outside the castle. Looking out a window, she saw Wario with a trophy in his hand and tissues in his nose.
"Good, I see you managed to get me the Golden Shell. What happened to your nose, Wario, did you and Mario get in a fight?"
"No, nothing like that happened," said Wario in a nasal tone. "I did learn that it's a bad idea to pick your nose in a desert." Wario threw the trophy through the window, almost hitting Captain Syrup. The face of the Greedlock changed from a 6 to a 5 as the captain explained the terms of her next demand.
"Wario, you idiot, don't you eat anything without garlic in it? I tell you, after spending a few days in here; I can't stand looking at a single clove! Even your toothpaste tastes like garlic!"
"Wah, don't touch my garlic toothpaste, I want to patent that!"
"Too late, Wario. Your next task is to get me a good meal without garlic in it!"
"Look in the fridge; I'm pretty sure there's a Beanbean Brand Bean Burrito in there somewhere."
"Goom-Goom ate that yesterday! However, I suppose I should be more specific. I want a legendary meal. I've heard that one of those meals contains a Whacka's Bump, but I don't know the other ingredient. Also, I'd like to wash down my meal with a legendary beverage, preferably a soda!"
Wario's mouth started drooling at the thought of legendary food, and did not snap out of his trance until Mario shouted, "I know what to do! Wario, can I drive your car for this task?"
"Fine, as long as I get to eat some legendary food!"
"No, you don't get to eat legendary food, I do!" shouted Captain Syrup as the Wariomobile headed towards Toad Town. Along the way, Mario kept his eyes peeled to the sides of the road, and after fifteen minutes of driving, pulled the car over to the side of the road. Mario jumped out of the car and approached a blue mole-like creature on sticking its head out of the ground.
"Whack-a-doo! What a lovely day it is!" exclaimed the Whacka. The happy mole then noticed the Italian man approach him, raising a hammer over his head. "Good day, Mr. Mustache! Doesn't today feel like nothing can go wrong?"
Whack! Mario hit the mole over the head, producing a Whacka's Bump.
"Whack-ow! What did you hit me for, sir?"
Whack! Mario hit the mole over the head, producing a Whacka's Bump.
"Whack-oof! Wait, did I eat breakfast this morning?"
Whack! Mario hit the mole over the head, producing a Whacka's Bump.
"Whack-oh! Do you happen to have any ibuprofen on you?"
Whack! Mario hit the mole over the head, producing a Whacka's Bump.
"Whack-ooh! Whack-a-dack-a-doo! Woo-hoo!
Whack! Wario, wanting to join the fun, socked the Whacka over the head, producing a Whacka's Bump.
"Whack-aaah! I can't take this kind of abuse!" The Whacka retreated into his hole to fetch an ice pack, and the two men gathered the bumps and stuffed them into Stuffwell. Mario then got back into the car and drove all the way to Toad Town, where he happened to run into some good luck.
"Oh, hello, Mario," said Tayce T., Toad Town's best chef. "You're in luck today; my sister happens to be visiting from Rogueport to exchange cooking tips. We've been learning a lot from each other, and together we can probably whip up some amazing food for you!"
"That's great!" said Mario. "I've got five Whacka's Bumps, and I've heard that a legendary meal can be made by mixing one with some other item. Do you think you can manage?"
"Well, we can try." Tayce took the Whacka's Bumps and headed into the kitchen to meet back with her sister Zess T. Wario could hear mumbling through the door and delightful smells coming from the kitchen as the two sisters put their culinary mastery to the test. Soon, Zess T. came with a couple of platters."
"So, if it isn't Mr. Crunchy and his sidekick Sir Fatso!" Wario gave the rude chef an angry glare. "Don't think I forgot about that contact lens fiasco, Mario. Lucky for you, I can't deny a challenge. Here are two meals you might recognize." Zess T. lifted the lids to reveal a Deluxe Feast and a Zess Deluxe. "Are these legendary enough for you, Steps-A-Lot?"
"I'm not sure," said Mario. Zess T. grumpily returned to the kitchen as Mario put the meals into Stuffwell. For another while, the two chefs worked to produce the legendary meal. Later, Tayce T. arrived with another set of platters.
"Well, I hope you enjoy these." She lifted the first platter to reveal a lumpy, yet nice smelling cake. "After mixing Cake Mix with the Whacka's Bump, we ended up with this cake. We call it 'Pound Cake'." Tayce T. then lifted the other lid to reveal an odd purple and blue thing. "This should taste much better than it looks. We mixed a Whacka's Bump with a Mystic Egg to make this 'Bumpy Dumpling'. Could one of these be the legendary meal you are looking for?"
"Let me check," said Wario as he completely stuffed both dishes into his mouth at once. "They don't taste very legendary to me." Tayce T. bustled back to the kitchen to try one more recipe.
"Wario, don't eat the food; this is for Captain Syrup, not you!" warned Mario.
"Shut up, Mario, I haven't eaten all day. Besides, legendary food shouldn't look that disgusting, even though they were a little tasty."
Just then, Tayce and Zess stepped triumphantly through the door carrying a large platter, on which a marvelous golden concoction with an amazing smell was perched. "I think we have a true masterpiece here, Crushy McStomp-Stomp!" said Zess. "We call it the Whacka Supreme!"
Wario's eyes bugged out of his head at the sight of the amazing delicacy. "That's incredible! What was the other ingredient?"
"The other ingredient," stated Tayce "was a cup of our tastiest, freshest, tangiest GARLIC!"
"Wow!" said Wario, before Mario whacked him with his hammer. "Don't you remember that Captain Syrup wanted something other than garlic?"
"Of course!" beamed Wario. "Since this food has garlic in it, I don't have to share it with anyone!" Wario made a grab at the Whacka Supreme, but Mario grabbed it and put it into Stuffwell. "Make sure Wario does not eat that food," said Mario.
"I completely understandify," replied the suitcase. "Lockdown mode initiated. Wario will not ingesticate the Whacka Supreme under my watchification!"
"Very good, I think," said the plumber. Tossing Stuffwell into the trunk of the Wariomobile, the duo headed for their next stop.
"Where the heck are we going now?" complained Wario after two hours straight of driving south.
"If we go south," explained Mario, "we should be able to cross the Beanbean border, then go to Chucklehuck Woods, where a legendary soda maker, whom I have met once, lives. Hopefully, he can make us some sort of soda for the captain."
"Makes sense to me." After another hour of driving, Wario noticed the ground to turn purpler, and eventually noticed a small building up ahead. "Wait a minute, I don't have a passport!" noticed Wario. As Wario dove to the floor of the car, Mario drove the car up to the new border patrolman.
"Nyeck nyeck nyeck!" laughed Tolstar. "It looks like Mario got himself a nice car. Your favorite color is purple?"
"No, this is a rental," Mario lied.
"Well, instead of showing me your passport, I'm going to make you pay a toll, despite what the law says. Now, give me ten coins!" Mario threw ten coins at Tolstar.
"Nyeck nyeck nyeck! Have you forgotten that this is the Beanbean Kingdom?" Tolstar whipped out his trusty, outdated calculator. "At the current exchange rate, ten Beanbean coins are equivalent to 15356849785697465 Mushroom Kingdom coins!"
"That can't be right!" exclaimed Mario.
"Oh, but it is. Isn't inflation grand?"
"No, I mean that kind of calculator only has room to display eight digits, and 15356849785697465 has seventeen digits."
"Darn, you got me! How did you remember that seventeen digit number anyway? Fine, I'll let you go for some food. All I can afford nowadays are this calculator and toll booth. I even had to sell my cannon!"
Stuffwell popped out of the trunk and took out the Zess Deluxe. "My calculations tell me that we can part with this victual." Mario took the food and gave it to Tolstar, who let Mario continue on to Chucklehuck Woods while Wario inaudibly cursed at Stuffwell. Only twenty minutes later, Mario arrived at the entrance to the Chateau de Chucklehuck, which was unusual due to the fact that he had to drive the convertible at least ten feet vertically to reach the front gates.
"Bonjour!" greeted two Beanfolk inside the chateau. "I am Cork, and he is Cask! You are Mario, no? Please, come in and have a soda!"
"Actually, I'd like to speak to Bubbles," stated Mario. "Yeah, were going to force him to make us some legendary soda!" added Wario.
"Oh, we are so sorry. Bubbles has just entered the secret basement of his chateau, and we do not know where it is. However, we do have a special hammer that can possibly assist you in finding him." The two Bean brothers left and quickly returned with a green hammer.
"Well, at least it's not blue," grumbled Wario.
"Ah, yes, allow us to instruct you on the art of the Bean Hammer!" started Cork.
"No, let me do it!" shouted Toadette, who had just burst through the doors of the chateau. "I've been helping them throughout their quest, so I should get to teach them how to use the hammer!"
"Zut alors! Who is this girl? Go away; we are the ones who must teach these men how to use the Bean Hammer!"
"Oh, fine then," sulked Toadette. "You two better let me teach you how to use the next power-up, though!" The mushroom girl ran back through the doors as quickly as she had come.
"Well, ignoring that, let us teach you through example!" Wario watched as the hefty Cork stood in front of the slimmer Cask. Wario then winced as Cask whacked his brother on the head, forming him into a ball. Wario then gasped as Cask hit his brother again, sending him rolling forward at a fast pace. "As you can see, the Ballistic Bros move can be very useful, non?"
"I'm not looking forward to it at all," said Wario.
Cork then came running back. "I have good news and bad news, men; I just rolled through a wall and broke my arm!"
"That's the good news?" asked Mario.
"No, but I uncovered the stairs to the secret basement. It is straight down the hall. Say bonjour to Bubbles for me."
Mario and Wario ran down the stairs, revealing a spooky dungeon-type basement. As they walked down the dark corridor, they could hear an old, raspy voice echo through the hallway: "What do you call a person who impersonates a soda? A carbonated copy!" The sound of fizz then filled the corridor. Mario could tell that Bubbles must be making more soda, but Wario was scratching his head trying to understand the joke he just heard.
"What is a soda's favorite movie? They Call Him Mr. Pibb!"
Wario chuckled as the fizzing sound was heard once again. Mario pulled his arm to the end of the hallway, where an old bean man was bending over a barrel of pink liquid. "What did the ancient Roman farmers drink? Agri-cola!" The barrel shook lightly as foam formed on the surface of the soda. Bubbles then turned around when he heard Wario say "I don't get it!"
"Oh, company?" asked Bubbles. "My apologies, monsieurs, I did not see you. Bonjour, I am Bubbles, legendary soda maker and ultimate comedian with the HARDY HAR HAR! You have come to see my new Diet Chuckola Reserve, non?"
"Yeah, we want some soda right now, so give us the goods!" shouted Wario. Mario was frantically shaking his head no at Wario.
"Oh, you wish to take the soda for yourselves, I see. Well … UN! DEUX! TROIS!" Bubbles began to perform some complex ballet moves while the soda began to sprout eyes and arms. "I think I just lost my appetite," said Wario.
"As you can see, I have much improved in my joke telling abilities, and for one thousand days I have told joke after joke to my beloved Diet Chuckola Reserve, letting it age to perfection. It is a truly magnifique soda! Now, thieves, feel free to experience the aroma and full-bodied taste of Chuckola Reserve, with half the calories! Bon appetit!"
The pink soda roared and charged at the mustachioed men. Armed with his new Bean Hammer, Mario struck the soda hard in its makeshift chest. The soda retaliated by forming a 'Pop Gun', firing pink droplets rapidly at Mario's face. "Mamma mia, I need a towel!" Wario, on the other hand, was completely freaked out by the breathing beverage, and could not muster any energy to attack the soft drink.
"Wario, what are you doing?" shouted Mario, who was trying to wipe off the sticky soda with his gloves. "We have to defeat that soda!" Wario still did not move. "Alright, you asked for it, Wario!" Swinging his hammer wildly, Mario squashed Wario into a ball, and then shot him directly at the soda. However, Wario only glanced of the soda, causing the beverage to jiggle like gelatin.
"It looks like my soda is more than a match for you two, eh?" said the soda maker.
"Bubbles, have you forgotten what happens when you shake a soda?" asked Mario. Bubbles looked at his creation in shock as fizz erupted from its body. Weakened by the loss of its fizz, the soda returned to its barrel.
"No, you fools; you made my masterpiece go flat! It's completely ruined! Just go away and take it, it is useless to me now! Au revoir, and never come again!"
Packing the barrel into the trunk of the convertible Mario started the long trip back to Wario's castle. When he got there, he saw Captain Syrup poking her head out the window. "It's about time, we're starving in here!" she yelled. "Get Wario to throw my food through this window; I don't want him inside!"
Mario and Wario went over to Stuffwell, who had calculated an interesting proposition. "May I suggesticate that you give the captain the Deluxe Feast instead of the Whacka Supreme? Although not as legendary, the Deluxe Feast has no garlic in it, yet my sensors indicate that it is filled with deliciousity."
"I like the way you think, Stuffwell! That way I can eat the Whacka Supreme!"
"Lockdown mode initiated. Mario, you get the Deluxe Feast so that Wario does not devourify the Whacka Supreme."
Mario did just that, and using his Bean Hammer launched both the food and beverage through the window. "These are legendary foods?" asked Captain Syrup. "This soda looks flat, and this meal looks bland. Well, at least its not garlic, so I guess I'll tell you what to do next." The face of the Greedlock changed from a 5 to a 4 as she thought up her next task through bites of her legendary meal.