Author's note: I still own nothing in this story.
Mario & Wario: The Greedlock
Chapter 4: Don't Mess With Hexes
"Urp, I can't believe I ate the whole thing," moaned Captain Syrup as she rubbed her stomach. "Now, what should I make Wario do now? Goom-Goom, do you have any ideas?"
The short first mate scratched his head with his spear. "I don't know; make him go find someone else he hates?"
"That man hates everybody!" snapped the captain, but in her head she was considering all the people Wario would not want to go anywhere near. What first jumped into her head was the image of a diabolical demon head shooting meteors out of his nose. "Of course, Wario complained a lot about how much he hated fighting the Stove Demon!" Captain Syrup stuck her head out the window and addressed Wario. "Hey, doofus, I bet you can't get me a demon's autograph!"
"Mama mia, a demon?" gasped Mario.
"Wah ha ha! This will be a piece of cake!" laughed Wario. Dragging Mario into the purple convertible, Wario revved up the engine and sped down the road. "Are you sure you know what your getting into?" asked Mario.
"Of course," said Wario. "I know a demon that is willing to help anybody!" Wario picked up his cell phone and started to dial a number.
Meanwhile, in a dark, spooky corner of Diamond City, a small girl was stirring a boiling concoction in her cauldron. "Eye of newt, grandma's wig, kitten spit …" Ashley the witch was naming ingredients as her brew started to change colors. "Ah, my potion is almost complete. Come forth, Red!"
"A-a-are you s-sure that I h-h-have to d-do this?" asked a small horned figure in the corner of the room, wearing brown shorts and a blindfold.
"Yes, Red," sighed Ashley. "The recipe for this five-alarm chili calls for essence of demon, and as you are the only demon I know who would be willing to help anybody, you are going to be the last ingredient."
"B-b-but wouldn't I b-burn my face?"
"Don't be such a wimp. You have a blindfold on, and besides, the recipe says that I should let the mixture cool for exactly three minutes and seventeen seconds before you dunk your head in there."
"… I can't see the clock."
"Fine," grumbled the witch. "I'll count. You dunk your head in when I said 'now'."
RING! RING! At that moment Ashley's telephone rang in the other room. "You wait here, Red, and don't move until I say 'now'." Red gave his master the thumbs' up, and then Ashley strolled to the phone and lifted up the receiver.
"This better be important, Wario," she spat into the phone.
"Hey, you better not speak to your employer like that!" yelled Wario through the phone. "How did you know that it was me anyway?"
"You're the only other person besides Red that has my phone number."
"Oh. Does that mean that Red is with you, because I need him to sign something."
"He is here, but I cannot let you see him."
"I'm your boss, little girl, and I say that I gonna see him right NOW!"
"NOW?"
"I heard you loud and clear, Ashley!" yelled Red from the other room. Ashley then heard the sound of a loud splash.
"Wait, Red, not yet, it is still too early!" shouted the which, slamming the phone down. Rushing to the other room, the normally serious girl could not help but let out a gasp at the situation in the other room. "This … is not good."
"How could she slam the phone on her employer?" yelled Wario back in the convertible. "I'm gonna lower her salary by half if she gives me any more disrespect!"
By this time, the Wariomobile had reached Diamond City, and cruising down Main Street. Mario was clutching his head in pain after all the yelling Wario was doing, and Stuffwell was once again in the trunk. Parking the car at Club Sugar, Wario hopped out of the car and looked around to find another one of his employees, 9-Volt, running over to him.
"Mr. Wario, Ashley wanted me to tell you to meet her inside Club Sugar, and I wanted to thank you for giving me a Nintendo DS Lite instead of a salary, and HOLY COW IS THAT MARIO OH MY GOSH IT IS SO GREAT TO FINALLY MEET YOU YOU KNOW I HAVE ALL OF YOUR GAMES AND PARAPHERNALIA AND I'M YOUR BIGGEST FAN CAN YOU SIGN MY HELMET YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS MEANS TO ME THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY …" 9-Volt suddenly fainted from all of his excitement.
"That's weird," mumbled Wario. "Ashley hates Club Sugar." Stepping over his passed out employee, Wario shoved the doors open to find Ashley looking positively furious. "Okay, Ashley, get me Red!"
"Thanks to you, I can't get Red," she said darkly. "Your rude phone call caused him to dunk his head into my chili too early. Now, instead of enjoying a light lunch, I've been kicked out of my house by a power-mad freak. And since you caused this problem, Wario, you are going to fix it."
"Argh, is everyone making me do their dirty work today?" moaned Wario. "Fine, but I'm deducting your pay from this!"
Later, at Ashley's mansion, Wario was kicking the front gate. "Wah! Why won't this stupid gate open?"
"Maybe you should read this, Wario," spoke up Mario, shoving a note into his face. Wario decided to read the note, even though he hates reading.
Go away. This means everybody. And also don't get help from Dr. Crygor.
"Why couldn't Red have just signed his name?" moaned Wario.
"Who's Dr. Crygor?" asked Mario.
"Oh, he's just some crazy scientist who works for me and invents useful stuff, but that's not important right now."
Sighing, Mario told Wario to read the note again. "Hey, Mario, this note gives me a great idea! Get in the car, we're going to see Dr. Crygor!"
After a half hour of driving underwater, which is extremely difficult in a convertible, the duo reached the island lab of Diamond City's resident mad scientist. "Now whatever you do, Mario, don't insult what Dr. Crygor does, no matter how ridiculous." Mario nodded his head, then he and Wario entered the lab. Mario was surprised to find that Dr. Crygor was practicing complex break dancing moves in his lab, and even more surprised to find that all of the doctor's limbs plus the top half of his head were mechanical. The strange man turned around to meet his guests, and the motion detector he had on his head in place of his eyes blinked on. "Well, what a surprise!" said Dr. Crygor in a surprisingly friendly fashion. "Can I offer you and your friend a selection of my finest peppers, Wario?"
"Actually, Doc, I need help breaking down a gate. Do you have anything that can do that?" implied Wario.
"Of course! Breaking down gates can be very important! Let me get you and your friend something that can increase your strength!" The doctor hopped on a moped shaped like a duck and started to speed up the stairs.
"Wah ha ha! Increasing my strength, eh? I think I know what Crygor's got in mind." Wario imagined himself in a purple garlic-themed jumpsuit. "Faster than a speeding ticket! Stronger than dirt! Able to leap in a single bound! I am WARIO MAN!" Mario shook his head and wondered what was taking the doctor so long as his travel partner started making whooshing noises and running around the lab. "I could have sworn that I heard someone flushing a toilet upstairs at least 36 times. Are you sure that Dr. Crygor is a credible scientist?"
"Sure!" exclaimed Wario, who was still running around. "He told me once that his toilet inspires most of his inventions."
"No, no, no, this will not do at all," called a voice from upstairs. Mario looked up to find Crygor dragging Toadette back to the lab while holding a pair on odd pants. "But Doctor, I have to tell them how to use this power-up!" whined Toadette. "I didn't get to do it in the last chapter, and I already nominated myself to be the official power-up tutor for this story!"
"Listen, miss, I do not care how much you break the fourth wall, you are not allowed to touch my machines without my permission," said Dr. Crygor sternly. "Now go off and let me explain my newest invention to Wario." Marching angrily out the door, Toadette yelled back, "I am so going to get you two in the next chapter, no matter what it takes!" The normally sweet Toadette slammed the door behind her.
"Sorry about that," apologized Dr. Crygor. Making a dramatic gesture, he suddenly exclaimed, "Behold, the PHAT-Pants!"
"Hey, I just big-boned!" complained Wario. "I don't need fat pants!"
"Let me explain. 'PHAT-Pants' is actually an acronym for 'Partner Hefting Adamantine Techno-Pants'. These pants are revolutionary! The wearer of these pants will be able to bear heavy loads without any adverse affect to the wearer's running and jumping abilities. If you were to pick up Mario and run headlong into a gate, your momentum should shatter it without a problem. I will call this ability 'Charge Bros.'. Just remember to lift with your knees! And now I'm off!" Dr. Crygor activated a jet pack and flew away.
Later, back at the mansion, Wario was putting on his new pair of PHAT-Pants while Mario took Stuffwell out of the trunk. "Fear sensors activated! Do I have to enter that haunted mansion, Mario?" whimpered the suitcase.
"I'm sorry, but we need you to store Red's autograph once we get it. Ashley said that Red should return to normal after we knock him unconscious, and that he is really not that bad of a guy." Stuffwell felt reassured until Wario called out, "Mario, get over here so we can deal with this crazy demonic psycho!" Stuffwell shivered as he shrunk and jumped into Mario's pocket. Wario, with great strength and absolutely no grace whatsoever, hoisted Mario on to his shoulders and slammed into the gate, shattering it into at least 12,946 pieces. "Ashley better not expect me to pay for that," muttered Wario. Carelessly throwing Mario to the side, Wario waddled up to the double doors and banged with one of the skull-shaped knockers. "Open up, Red, we know you're in there!" The doors swung open, and Wario was greeted with a fresh blast of hot fire. "EEYEH! It burns!" Stepping to the side, Wario watched as the small figure of Red floated out the door. Both his eyes and pitchfork were glowing with the same color as his name. With a great shriek, the imp yelled out, "RUHRUHRUHRUHRUH."
"Mario, my detectination sensors are panging away!" called out Stuffwell as he leaped out of Mario's pocket. Releasing a radio dish, Stuffwell said, "Red is trying to say that you should go away before he summons some evil monsters to dispose of you."
"RUHRUHRUHRUHRUH." Red thrusted his pitchfork into the ground, and a dorky looking fanged monster emerged from the ground. "I am detectifying another message." called out Stuffwell. "It says … Hungraa appeared!"
"How dare that twerp copy a monster from one of MY games!" growled Wario. He tried to rush forward and slam the monster, but found himself frozen. "Hey, what gives?"
"Incoming message. Mario, you can choose to attack with a jump, or throw away some junk."
Mario was confused, but nonetheless chose to jump into the air, landing squarely on the monster's head. "Attention, Wario, Hungraa is attack you." continued Stuffwell. "Do you wish to crouch, or hide under a couch?
"Wah ha, I remember this microgame! Gimme the couch!" A couch fell from the sky, and Wario dove between the cushions. The monster started to punch Wario, but the sheer softness of the couch deflected the attack.
"Are you sure that you weren't supposed to crouch, Wario?" asked Mario. Stuffwell then cut him off before Wario could answer. "Mario, finish the enemy with a Bros. Move: Flop Bros. or Flip Bros." Mario thought hard and remembered that the move is called Flip Bros. Mario stomped on Wario and kicked him towards the monster. Wario slid underneath then flipped Hungraa to oblivion.
"RUHRUHRUH." Red started thrashing wildly, and then summoned forth another monster, only this one had a pin-sized head. "Refiller appeared!" called Stuffwell. "Wario, give him a Hook Pinch, a Hook Punch, or Hiccups."
Knowing exactly what to do, Wario walked up to the monster and started to wind his arm up. Just as his fist was going to connect, Wario gave Refiller a painful pinch on the cheek.
"Unconventional, but it seemed effective," stated Stuffwell. "Mario, defend against his attack. You may gargle some mouthwash, plant a garden, or guard yourself."
"Is it garlic mouthwash?" asked Wario as Mario guarded himself from Refiller's attack. "Wario, focus and choose your Bros. move: Hurly Bros., Burly Bros., or Girly Bros."
Wario started to think to himself. "Hmm, I'm definitely not girly, but I am very burly. Wario scratched his forehead with his glove. "Wait a minute, I'm wearing Hurly Gloves, so I better start throwing Mario!" Wario grabbed Mario's waist and tossed him at the monster, and Refiller was knocked out cold.
"RUHRUHRUUUUHRUUUUUUH." Red seemed enraged now, and proceeded to summon a dorky monster with a pencil thin neck. "Munchor appeared!" stated Stuffwell. "Mario, hit him with a glamour string, a stammer sting, a hammer swing, or a camera sling." Quickly noticing his lack of a string, stammer, and camera, Mario whacked Munchor with a great hammer swing.
"Quick, Wario, before Munchor attacks, count to fifty, counter his attack, open a container of pickles, or sell some contraband."
"Let me see: one, two, three, four …" counted Wario as Munchor ran straight at him. "Gah, it's not working!" Wario quickly grabbed a container of pickles that Dr. Crygor had conveniently forgot in the PHAT-Pants, and opened it by smashing it against Munchor's bulbous head.
"Mario, finish him off. Use Ballista Bros., Ballistic Bros., Barista Bros., or Ball-On-A-Stick Bros."
"Mama mia, this is a tough one," said Mario. "I can't remember if it was Ballista or Ballistic." Mario thought while Munchor began to recover from the pickle injury. Wario shouted out, "Make the choice now before that guy goes ballistic on you!"
"Okey dokey, Wario, that's just what I needed." Mario smashed Wario into a ball and whacked him straight into Munchor, finishing him off.
"RUUUUUUUUUUH." Red suddenly fell to the ground and didn't get up.
"Mario, it appears that Red is completely exhaustified from summoning monsters. Victory sequence activated!"
"We couldn't have done it without you, Stuffwell," congratulated Mario.
"Wake up, you stupid imp, and sign this piece of paper!" yelled Wario as he slapped the unconscious Red across the face.
"Wario, let me revive Red," stated Ashley, who just walked through the broken front gate. Wario stepped aside and let the witch perform her magic.
"Wake up, you stupid imp, and sign Wario's piece of paper!" yelled Ashley as she slapped the suddenly conscious Red across the face.
"Boy, that chili can cause some serious heartburn," said the demon, rubbing his cheek. "Hey, Wario, when did you get here?"
"Shut up and sign this piece of paper." Wario thrust a piece of paper towards Red's nonexistent nose. "Wow, Wario, I'm surprised you didn't try to forge a signature this time!" Wario proceeded to slap himself on the forehead. "It's a good thing you didn't, because we demons have a special way of writing." Red pointed his pitchfork at the paper and set it ablaze. The word 'RED' appeared as a scorch mark on the page. "Here you go, boss. Be sure to visit us again, but wait until after Ashley calms down a bit." Wario did not say goodbye at all and hopped into his car, while Mario put the autograph into Stuffwell. "Thank you for your help, Red," said Mario before he got into the convertible. As the duo drove away, Red turned to Ashley. "That Mario guy sure is nice. Why do you put up with Wario so much if you could be with nice guys like Mario, Ashley?"
"You know, Red, beneath his awful visage and rotten personality, I can sense a truly good person in Wario," said Ashley. "Wario just needs to find that person himself. Now, Red, let us brew you some antacid."