Chapter 6: They Never Knew What Hit Them
The sniffing of the hair bit came from a reviewer, Mystogrigen. I adapted it, but the gist is the same.
I know I said I wouldn't update today, but the scene with the unicorn would not leave me alone until I got it on paper. Or screen as the case may be.
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They walked down the cobblestone street, which had no vehicles, towards the large white marble building. The whiteness of it made Deadpool pull out a pair of shades and don them. "Damn that is bright," he said to Harry, handing the boy a pair of dark glasses as well.
Harry just nodded, put on the glasses, and walked along.
They were getting lots of looks since neither were wearing robes. Most thought they were muggles, which was fine by the duo. They had nothing to hide, yet. Deadpool would smile, though they couldn't see it with his hood up, and wave at them, making many sniff at him and turn away. "Asshole," Wade would call out to them. Or "Bitch," as the case may be. For all the hot people, male or female, he would let out a wolf whistle and growl, making many people skirt the two.
"Must you?" Harry asked, already knowing the answer but trying anyway. He then realized he did that a lot, and he really should stop and just go with it. Life would be much easier. "Never mind," he said quickly, before Wade could answer with something inane.
Deadpool was thinking of things he could do here, and what entertainment he could muster. He'd just have to make sure that Harry wasn't around to cockblock him. The kid was doing a good job of trying to do that. He had already toned down his actions, but felt it was time to let his wild side loose.
They came to Gringotts, and Wade was impressed and challenged by the warning on the second door. He went up to the shortest line and waited, very impatiently, tapping his toes the entire time. The line moved so slow that he was plucking hairs off the person in front of him. He would sniff them and then throw them away.
"What are you doing?" Harry asked, giving him a queer look.
"Checking to see if this is a crack fic yet," Deadpool said, looking to the right and glaring at the author.
"Is it?" the boy asked, not sure what a crack fic was, but decided if Deadpool thought it was a good thing, it probably was not.
"The hair is inconclusive," Deadpool said as he plucked a hair from Harry.
Harry just glared but said nothing.
"I'm going to have to check every now and then, just to make sure," Deadpool said, sniffing Harry's hair and grinning.
"You do that," Harry said, smacking Wade's hand when he went to pull more of his hair.
"But I'm bored," the man whined, tapping his feet again.
"Why don't you think of ways you can train me now that we are here," Harry suggested, tapping his chin in thought. Then he got a horrified look on his face when he realized what he had just said.
"I'll do that," Deadpool said, adopting a thinking position, only moving when the line did. They got to the teller and Deadpool said, "Hey, can I talk to the head honcho?" He asked it like it was something everyone did every day. He had been tempted to say, 'Take me to your leader,' but he figured the joke would be lost on this crowd.
Harry looked at him strangely. He had no idea what the man wanted to say to the guy in charge. He knew that it probably didn't bode well for him. He looked at all the people looking at them and shrugged. Who gave a fuck what they thought? Deadpool was a bad influence on him. He would need to keep that in check.
"Why should he speak to the likes of you?" the teller asked, snarling at the man he perceived to be muggle. There wasn't a speck of magic influence on the man. His clothes strongly suggested non-magical. The teller had no idea why a muggle would need to speak to his leader.
"Well, if he doesn't, I'm going to rob the place clean," Wade said as if he was talking about the weather. He grinned, and showed the goblin his face, so the being could see he was serious.
"What?" the goblin exclaimed, and then laughed uproariously. The man's face didn't bother him, his words were hilarious.
"Here, hold my beer," Deadpool said, putting his hood back around his face and handing Harry a can of stout he got from… somewhere.
"What?" the boy said as he looked at the can in his hand. But, Deadpool had vanished. The goblin glared at Harry, who shrugged and popped the can open and handed it to the teller. "He didn't say not to drink it," he said, looking towards where he knew his companion had disappeared too.
"I don't drink human alcohol," the goblin said, handing the beer back to Harry. He sneered at the boy, who took out his key and handed to the teller.
"When he's done, I need to go to my vault," the boy said, as if his friend was not robbing the bank.
"We will see," the teller said, taking the key and examining it. He nodded and gave it back. "If your friend is still alive, someone will take you there," he said, settling down to wait for word of the muggle's demise. They would have to deal with the boy, but he really wasn't doing anything wrong.
Just then Deadpool appeared, in his costume and a red robe, his swords poking out of the neck, holding a sack of gold. "Here you go, proof that I can rob you blind," he said to the goblin, who opened the bag and noted that it was indeed full of gold.
"How do I know you didn't just pickpocket some unsuspecting wizard?" the teller asked, putting the gold down and trying to stare down the man whose eyes were covered. It didn't work out well for him.
"Wait for it," the masked man said, and a few minutes later the alarms started blazing.
"Damnation," the teller said, and waved the guards over to his window. "Seize him," he bellowed, pointing to Deadpool.
If they could only see the smirk on the man's face, they would have faltered. Deadpool did what Deadpool did best. He fought back. With a lot of creative kicking and punching, in a matter of minutes all the guards were unconscious. He stood in the middle of them, not even winded. He was clapping his hands together as if to rid them of dirt.
"There, now you know you can't stop me, can I see the head guy now?" Wade said as he came back to Harry, who was staring at him in dismay. Couldn't the guy behave for one day?
The customers of the bank did what they normally would do at times like this. They screamed and ran from the building. Harry just smirked at them, so much for the brave adults.
The goblin seeing the bank cleared and his guards downed, did the only thing he could do, he took them to his leader. They walked down a long stone hallway, that was covered with tapestries of battle. Harry and Deadpool admired the artwork and wondered if they depicted real battles, or were just art.
"Wait here," the still unnamed goblin said, going through a jewel adorned door. They waited, for all of three seconds, when Deadpool decided to just enter. The guards there took exception and charged him. They lasted longer than the ones in the lobby, but not by much.
"My dead grandmother hits harder than that," was one of the many things Deadpool said as he decimated the goblin guards.
"You punch like a little human girl," he said as he kicked one guard away.
"Woah, did you feel the breeze on that hit?" he stated as he ducked a slow punch then kneed the goblins face that had thrown it.
"Come on, aren't you guys even trying?" he said, taking one of the spears and knocking down five goblins with it.
"You wusses wouldn't know a fight if it bit you." He threw the last few goblins into the wall.
"You're lucky I'm not shooting you," he added as he headbutted a goblin that charged him.
Finally, he was done playing with them and knocked them all out, but for one, who was tied up with some purple ribbon. The goblin looked very putout about that. It was humiliating.
"So, you the head guy?" Wade asked the goblin that sat on the throne, who had watched the whole thing with large eyes. He waved Harry to join him. "I want to make a deal with you," he said, pulling a knife out of… somewhere and tossing it up and down in his hand. "I have an offer you can't refuse," he tried, but got no response, not even from Harry. They just looked at him funny.
"You dare to come into my bank, best my guards, and then ask to make a deal?" the king said, standing from his throne. He was dressed in fine clothes and a golden crown. He was larger than most goblins and did have an air of royalty about him. His skin was a darker green than his subjects.
"Yeah, isn't that the way you'd do it?" the confused masked man asked, thinking any warrior would do it that way.
That caused the goblin to pause and think. He then nodded his head in agreement and said, "Name your deal." It was better to hear the man out, than to throw more goblins at him. He could tell the man was a warrior of great strength.
"See, Harry here needs someone to spar against. I'm too fast for him, so I figured you guys could give him a tussle everyday until he goes to school. Then I'll take over. I'll even let your guys spar with me for free," Deadpool explained his idea. "And let me tell you, there are people who would pay good money to hit me repeatedly." He puffed out his chest like that was an accomplishment.
"Wait, don't I get a say in this?" Harry asked, not really against the idea, but it would have been nice to be asked. Deadpool was right, he was too strong for Harry. It would be nice to spar with someone he could beat in time. that and maybe the goblins had better lessons than Wade thought up. Though, he was getting good at catching chickens. He was up to four now.
"No," was all Wade said, still looking at the king, who had resumed his seat.
"So, you are saying the boy is strong, and you need someone to train him in that strength?" the king said, looking at the buffed-up Harry. He did note that the boy was much bigger than the reports he had received when Potter had visited the bank before. "I don't see a problem with this. As long as you keep your promise not to rob us," he added with a threat in his voice. The man may have bested his best guards, but he, as king, had more than strength on his side.
"Deal," Deadpool said, thinking it was more fun to rob the wizards than the goblins. That didn't mean he was going to let them off easy. He would 'test' their security. Daily. Until it was time to leave.
"Deadpool," Harry whined, not really meaning it, but he wanted to give the guy a hard time.
"What? It'll make you stronger. That way you can kick Voldy's butt," the masked man said, turning to face the child.
"I know," was all Harry said, with an impish grin.
"Asshole," Wade said, though he too was smiling. Not that anyone could tell, but they could hear it in his voice. "Okay," he said, turning back towards the king. "I'm Deadpool. This is Harry Potter. What is your name?"
"I am King Ragnuk," the goblin said, still seated on his throne, his guards finally recovering themselves, surrounded him. "I will set you up with my best warrior teachers for the boy. You, Deadpool, may spar with all challengers."
"Good deal," Deadpool said, and then shrunk down to chibi size, even looking younger, like a kid with huge white eyes. His suit even took on a softer color, still red, but not as bright. They all heard the sound of hooves coming from the hall. A minute later, there entered a pink unicorn, also chibi size. "Frank," chibi Deadpool said, running to the unicorn and jumping on his back.
"What mockery is this?" the king said outraged.
"What? If your guys want to stand a chance against me, this is best," chibi Deadpool said, brandishing a wooden sword. "Charge," he said, going to the nearest guard, who lowered his spear and stuck the chibi man in the heart. He lifted the chibi off the unicorn and was horned in the nuts for his trouble. He howled and dropped the spear, making Deadpool pull it out and hit the downed goblin on the head. "Bad form, old man." he then jumped back on the unicorn and left the room.
"Yeah," Harry said, rubbing the back of his head in embarrassment, "that's Deadpool." He lifted his hand in the direction of where the other man disappeared and shrugged. "About those lessons," he said, not wanting to make excuses for the crazy costumed man.
So that is how the next three weeks went. Harry would report for lessons on how to use his ever-increasing strength, and Deadpool 'tested' the security of Gringotts. When he was done with that, he took on challengers. He won. Every time. they had no defense against him.
He didn't steal anything he didn't return, but they had to up their security every day. In a way they were thankful, because they had never thought to put protections from non-magical infiltrations. Deadpool showed them the error of their ways. They even offered to pay him for it, which of course he took. He wasn't stupid.
It was the last day in Diagon Alley. They were purchasing everything they thought they would need. More books, more clothes, more supplies, more weapons in Deadpool's case, which led to exchanging Harry's old trunk for a multidepartment one. They went everywhere and found many treasures.
Deadpool had a great time in Knockturn Alley. He beat the tar out of a lot of wizards that thought he was an easy target. Why they thought that, confused the man. Didn't they see the swords on his back? Did they think they were there for decoration? Wizards, he'd never understand them.
Once they got everything they could think of, they retired early. They were off to Hogwarts tomorrow.