Waiting
Chapter
5:Part 2-Stupidity
by:
butterflie
sequel
to Untold Secrets
-mr ishida's pov-
Idiot. I'm so stupid. I just totally screwed things up. Why did I do that?
Ok, seeing Taichi making out with my son was a shock, but still... Idiot.
It's just that seeing them like that... it reminded me of the way I'd come home and find Matt bleeding on the floor or the bed, and all the images that would come unbidden to my mind.
And now Matt's gone. I don't know where he ran off to. Probably Taichi's. I just hope to God he's okay. I'm afraid of what could happen to him. Between Ken recently escaping and that gang that beat him up a few weeks ago, sometimes I think the whole world's after my son. I wonder if he feels like that often. I hope not. Course, with the way I just treated him, it'd be a miracle if he didn't think that.
-x-
God it's been an hour. Where the hell is Yamato?
I don't know why I'm so afraid. He's probably just at his boyfriend's. I shouldn't be so worried. Besides, the way I treated him earlier, I'd be surprised if he even shows up tonight. I bet he won't come home until late tomorrow, if even that. So I shouldn't worry, right? Right.
Maybe I better call Taichi just in case.
I pick up the phone beside my bed and try to think of the Yagamis number. I can't. Damn. Um, um, um.. what is it!
Oh, wait. I remember. Shaking my head at myself, I dial the number.
While I'm waiting for someone to pick up on the other end, I drum my fingers impatiently on the nightstand next to my bed.
After a few seconds, the phone is answered and Taichi's voice says, "Hello?"
Figures. It would be Taichi that answers it. I swallow nervously. "T-tai.. is Matt there?"
"No," he says in this really flat sounding voice.
"Well, look-" I start to say, then take the phone away from my ear and stare at in wonder as the dial tone echoes throughout the room.
He hung up on me! I can't believe it! The little bastard hung up on me! I didn't deserve that!
Well, maybe I did.
Immediately I called him back.
"What?" he growled, sensing it was me.
"If he shows up... have him call me." I begged.
"Fuck you, you bastard. Why should I do any favor for you? I don't blame Matt for running off on you!" he shouted, then hung up on me again.
I winced at his harsh words, stung by them, even if I did deserve them.
But I disgress. I have more important matters to worry about. Such as where is Matt?
I wonder if he maybe went over to Takeru's house?
I guess I'll find out.
Resetting the phone so it wasn't making that annoying beeping sound it does when it's off the hook, I dialed Takeru's house.
Natsuko answered the phone. "Moshi moshi, Takaishi residence."
"Hello Natsuko," I said softly.
She hates my guts, and I still love her. Life's a bitch.
"Oh hello Ishida," she said, her voice going cold and hard the way it does whenever she talks to me. She refuses to call me Masaharu, too. It's always Ishida now. "I suppose you finally want to talk to your other son," she continued. "Well, I'm afraid you're out of luck. He's over at his friend's house."
'"Oh. Well... Matt's not there, is he?" I asked her, trying not to sound to worried or hopeful.
"No, he's not. Why should he be?"
"Well.. we had an argument and he ran out. I thought he might have gone over there. I guess he's at Tai Yagami's house then. Well, bai."
"Goodbye Ishida."
I blinked at the abruptness with which she terminated the call, then hung up my own phone.
Great. Matt's not at Taichi's, and he's not at Takeru's. I don't know where else he could be, except maybe one of the band member's houses, and I don't know any of their phone numbers. Hell, I don't even know all their names. Just Nyusumi's, and if you asked me to point him out to you, I couldn't.
Damn. I'll guess I'll just to wait.
-switch pov-
Darkness.
I'm surrounded by darkness.
And pain.
I'm consumed by pain, immense pain.
What happened?
Why is it so dark?
I'm scared.
Taichi, where are you?
Don't leave me, I don't want you to go.
I'm scared Taichi.
Please.
I'm so frightened.
It's so dark.
And the pain is too much to bear.
What's happened to me?
-switch pov-
It's past midnight... still no sign of Matt. I'm seriously scared for him now. Where the hell is he? He's not at Taichi's, and he's not at Takeru's. Somehow I don't think he would have stayed this late at one of the band member's house, and I don't think he went to anybody else's house.
What if I have to start calling the hospitals or shelters? I don't want to have to do that. I'm afraid of what I'll find. I just hope and pray Matt comes home. I should never have yelled at his boyfriend the way I did. I never should have kicked Taichi out, or forbid Matt to see him anymore.
But I couldn't help it. I got so scared. I was afraid Matt would get hurt again. And that's something I didn't want to see. He was already hurt so much in his life. By the divorce, by Natsuko who never wants him around, by me never being there for him, by Takeru growing up and not needing him so much anymore, and then by Ken. I didn't want Taichi to hurt him ever.
I was too blind to realize how good Taichi is for him.
God Matt, where are you?
-x-
Saturday evening. No sign of Matt.
Hell, maybe I'm overreacting. I mean, he is seventeen and I did just tell him he's not allowed to see the one person he's obviously learned to love and trust in his life. It's natural he'd want to keep his distance from me right now. He's mad at me, and he's probably hurting. Right? I mean, he's perfectly okay. He's just at somebody's house, and he'll be home in a few days. After all, he knows I didn't kick him out, he's the one that ran out. So he's fine, right?
Right.
Not right.
He wouldn't do this to me. He'd at least call, let me know where he is if he wasn't coming home for a few days. And if he had gone anywhere, it would have been Taichi's. And Taichi's already told me he's not there.
Unless he's lying. Although what reason he would have for that, I don't exactly know. I mean, kinda, but not really, I mean, I don't know what I mean! I'm going out of my mind. I'm so worried about where Matt is. I can't get all these horrible thoughts out of my mind.
He could have been raped (again). He could have gotten stabbed. He could have got caught in a drive by shooting (rare in Odaiba, but it could happen). He could have picked a fight with somebody. Those boys that beat him up could have come back for revenge. He could have gotten depressed and jumped off a bridge. He could have gouged his eyeballs out.
Well, maybe not that.
Damn. I'm overreacting. I know I am. Matt's just fine. Don't think about it. He probably wanted to make me worry. After the way I treated him and Taichi, I suppose I deserve it.
-switch pov-
It's still dark.
I'm still scared.
I still ache.
And I've heard voices.
I don't know who they belong to.
They scare me.
What if they want to hurt me, too?
Oh God.
I didn't think of that.
At least they're gone right now.
Or not.
I hear footsteps.
Is it the voices?
Are they coming back?
I can't let that happen!
No!
Go away!
I open my mouth and scream.
And scream.
And scream.
-switch pov-
I'm going crazy. I can't stand this. When Matt comes back home, I'm gonna kill him. How could he do this to me? Maybe I deserved to worry sometime, but not this much!
God, I can't stand this any longer. I'll go insane. I'm gonna call the hospital.
-x-
"Hello, Odaiba Hospital, how may we be of assistance?"
"Yes, um... have any unidentified persons come in within the last 48 hours?"
"Yes, as a matter of fact, we've had ten people so far."
"Ten!"
"Yes. Only three are still unidentified, and one is currently at the morgue."
"The..morgue?" I asked, mouth suddenly going dry.
"Yes. Would you like a description of her?"
"Her?" I sighed, relief flooding through me. At least I know it's possible Matt's still alive. "No, I'm looking for a him."
"Oh, well. The two other unclaimed people are both male. Would you like a description or would you like to describe who you are looking for?"
"Y-you... do ..it."
"Very well. Person one is about sixteen or seventeen years old, blond hair, green eyes, over-"
"Not him," I interrupted. "The person I'm looking for does not have green eyes. Describe the other person."
"Certainly. The other person looks seventeen or maybe eighteen, blond hair, tall, thin, scarred wrists-" My heart leaped. Could it be Matt? "Number of other scars as well, including a particularly nasty scar located on the backside-"
"Blue eyes?" I demanded. "Does he have blue eyes?"
"I'm not sure. It doesn't say in the computer, so I'm assuming this person has not yet woken, therefore we cannot determine eye color."
Matt. It just has to be Matt. I know it. Who else would have scars like that? "Tell me, do you know if Dr. Kaos is on duty right now?"
"I can have him paged, if you like," she said, "although I can't guarantee he'll pick up the phone if he's here. Dr. Kaos is a very busy man."
"Just tell Akira that it's Ishida. He'll answer."
"Very well."
I heard a clunk, then in the background her voice over a loudspeaker. "Kaos, Dr. Kaos, please pick up the phone. Ishida wishes to speak to you. Dr. Kaos, pick up the phone, line three."
I waited several minutes, and then a breathless Kaos answered. "Sorry, I was just finishing up in surgery. Is something wrong?"
"Look... is Matt there?"
"Matt? Here? At the hospital?" he asked, confusion noticeable in his voice.
"Yeah. He... ran out.. and didn't come back home. The nurse gave me a description of someone that sounded like Matt. But I can't be sure, because eye color is unknown. But I'm almost positive it's Matt. Can you check for me? Ask her what room number this boy's in, then go see if it's Matt?"
"Sure. Give me a few minutes."
Another clunk, another distant voice.
"Hattie, can you give me a reading on an unidentified male, aged seventeen or eighteen?"
"Yes. ...The male was brought in yesterday by two girls who found him. He underwent extensive surgery, and then was taken to room 423."
423. The same room Matt had last time. Could the fates be so cruel?
"Right. Thank you, Hattie."
Receding footsteps.
I waited a while longer, and presently Akira was on the phone with me again.
"Ishida?" he asked gravely.
And I knew.
"It's him, isn't it?" I whisphered. "That's Matt in there."
"Yes, and his condition is very critical. I've ordered him to be moved to the ICU for now. You.. might wanna get down here, now."
"Ok," I said as I numbly hung up the phone.
The ICU? Jesus, what happened to Matt? How long had he been in the hospital while I sat here stupidly hoping he'd come home?
Jesus, what if he's dying?
-switch pov-
No! The voices! They're still getting nearer, no matter how much I scream for them to go away.
How can I make them leave me alone?
I'm scared!
Taichi, don't let them get near me! Don't let them hurt me!
Taichi, where are you?
Taichi?
Tai?
Taichi!
I'm so scared!
They're here! They're upon me! They're gonna hurt me worse!
Please!
Leave me alone!
Wait... they're... moving me... I think I'm laying on something... but what?
And where are they taking me?
I don't know if I can trust these people.
Why can't I see them? And why can't I understand what they're saying?
What's going on?
Where am I?
Am I ...safe?
-switch pov-
"Akira!" I called, spotting him standing over by the vending machines. We had agreed to meet up in the hospital's cafeteria so he could grab something to eat.
I hurried over to him, anxious to go see Matt and find out what happened to him. Kaos turned and faced me, and even from halfway across the room, I could still see the sadness in his eyes.
It scared me. Whatever had happened to Yamato had to be serious. It was a throwback to the days where I was constantly rushing Yamato to the hospital for whatever new injury Ken had inflicted upon him.
"Ishida," he said simply.
"What?" I asked fearfully. "How bad is my son? I have to know, I have to seem him, I have to talk to him, I have to find out who hurt him, I ha-"
Kaos placed a firm hand upon my shoulder and turned his stern but pain filled eyes towards me.
"Masaharu," he said, using my first name, which was something he had never did before, no matter how bad Matt had been hurt, which gave me an idea of how serious this was. "You... you can't talk to Matt right now. You can't even talk if you're in his hearing range. At all."
I gave him a blank look. "Why?"
"He-he screams. They don't consist of any words, but the terror I felt in them when he was being moved to the ICU-that was enough terror to cause me to be scared. The screams cut through me, straight to my soul. Whatever happened to him messed him up completely as far as emotional trauma goes. It hurt him worse than anything Ken ever did to him. And that's saying a lot."
"Jesus..." I whisphered, stunned. "What did he encounter out there? Who could have hurt him worse than Ken?"
"I... I don't know, but the physical damage he's suffered is just as bad."
I nodded for him to go on, fighting back frightened tears.
"He was stabbed. In the stomach. And in the back. Almost the exact same spot Ken stabbed him in. He bled for quite awhile before two girls found him and called an ambulance. He was found around mid afternoon Saturday, and one of the EMT's estimated he'd lost about 3/4 of his blood. He was literally hanging onto life, dangling by one very thin, very frayed string. The doctor on duty when Matt came in was lucky enough to have Matt's blood type on hand, and the blood he was short of he got from willing patients in the waiting room about to undergo surgery. Matt was extremely lucky, to say the least."
Numbly, I sat down heavily into the nearest chair. I was too shocked and frightened, beyond all ability to comprehend anything.
I had almost lost Matt. While I was sitting there waiting with false hopes that Matt would walk back in that apartment door where I would apologize, in reality he was probably lying in a puddle of his own congealing blood, what little life he had left slowly withering away with each passing moment. Whoever those two girls are, I know that I am eternally grateful to them.
But I curse my own stupidity. I had felt something was wrong, had known there were people loose on the streets that had it in for Matt, and I pushed those uneasy feelings away because I was fooled into thinking that they wouldn't hurt Matt! I'm so stupid! If they hurt Matt before, they'd hurt him again. Which they had just very well proven.
Dammit! Why did I do it? Why did I lead myself to believe Matt was okay, that he was just upset and at someone's house! Why didn't I go out and look for him Friday night? Why, why, why? I will never stop asking myself this as long as I live. Why? Why did I wait? I knew something was wrong, every part of me was screaming so. But no, I just had to wait so long to call the damn hospital! I didn't want to believe he could be hurt! I'm such an idiot!
"Masaharu?"
I looked up at Kaos defeatedly. "It never ends, does it?" I said sadly. "No matter how much I wish it otherwise, it never ends. I tried so hard, Akira, tried so hard to protect Matt! I tried to be there for him, to keep him from getting hurt anymore. But everything I attempt to do just gets screwed up royally. It seems Matt will never have another chance at a normal life. He'll never escape all the pain and betrayal he has to put up with, never be rid of all the torment he suffers. Why? Why does he have to suffer? He never did anything wrong! He's always tried to do things right, no matter what. I've never had any trouble in raising him, except maybe that one time where he decided to paint his room with ketchup during the little fetish of his, but that was only one time and he made up for that! Why is he being punished so cruelly? Why!" Tears were rolling down my cheeks at a great rate now, but I didn't care. Finally all the anguish I had felt at being forced to watch my eldest son suffer but yet not being able to help him any way possible was all coming out. And what hurt worse was the knowledge that I had pushed away the one person who probably had the only chance at helping Matt recover: Taichi. And it was all because I was too damn blind and stupid to realize the truth. God! It's not as if I even have anything against gays! I don't; I'm not homophobic or anything like that. I'll accept my son no matter what kind of lifestyle he desires.
Although I certainly didn't give him that impression, did I?
Idiot! Idiot idiot idiot!
-switch pov-
It's not quite so dark now.
I don't care. I'm still frightened. I still want Taichi.
I want to know what happened to me.
At least the voices have gone away. I know that I'm safe again, although for how long I couldn't say.
I want Taichi. Taichan.. I need you. Need you so badly.
Where are you?
Please don't leave me alone.
...Someone's in the room. I'm not alone.
The thought isn't much comfort.
I don't know this person.
It could be an enemy.
Why aren't they saying anything?
-switch pov-
"Take me to see my son," I said dully, looking up into Akira's startled face.
"What?" he asked, caught off guard.
"Take me to see my son," I repeated. "I want to see Matt."
"Ishida, I really don't think-" Akira began.
I cut him off. "Kaos, I know you're keeping Matt's best interests in mind, but right now I don't care about those interests. I want to see him. I've been here for six hours now, and I haven't seen him yet. I want to see him right this instant."
Akira let out a defeated sigh, knowing I was not to be reasoned with at the moment. "Allright, I'll take you to see Matt then."
He slowly got to his feet, as did as, and then he motioned for him to follow. I did, hurrying to keep up with him. I don't know why he was walking so fast, but he was. We boarded the elevator around the corner, and Kaos pressed the button for floor 5, where the ICU was located. Since we were on the ground floor and I was anxious to see Yamato, the ride seemed to take forever. All I wanted to do was get up there and see Yamato, make sure he was okay. I felt somewhat like a little kid waiting in line at the mall to see Santa for the first time, nervous and excited and scared all at once.
The second the elevators slid open, I rushed out of the cart and down the hall, making Akira the one to struggle to keep up this time.
I reached the ICU entrance fairly quickly, and waited for Akira to catch up, as I probably wasn't officially allowed to enter. I know most ICU patients are allowed very little, if any, visiting time.
When I went over to Matt's bed, which was kept well away from everybody else as so he wouldn't be in hearing range, the first thing that ran through my mind was that Matt had been very, very lucky. It was a miracle he was alive at all. What skin he had that wasn't bruised was very pale, and basically looked like death warmed over, if possible. The scars he or Ken had inflicted were stark white in contrast with the rest of his body, standing out from even a fair distance away.
Lying in there in that bed, hooked up to God knows how many machines, an IV dripping into him, he looked so frail, so little, so delicate, but in no way innocent. Even in sleep his face reflected such pain I almost felt as if I too, could feel his pain.
It occurred to me the only time I had seen him remotely happy in these past few months was when he was with Taichi. And I, being the stupid fool, had taken him away.
My self bashing was interrupted, however, when Matt let out a small groan. I looked at him, then over to Kaos to see if he heard it too.
He had.
I wanted to say something, but was afraid to for fear Matt would scream.
-switch pov-
The first thing I was aware of was 'tousan. The second was pain. Tremendous pain.
I let out a groan, stifling back a yell as waves of pain rolled over me. I quickly abandoned the idea of sitting up, and instead just lay in the bed. A hospital bed probably. I doubted that if 'tousan was here, I would be at home. Not with this much damn pain.
I didn't want 'tousan to be here. I wanted Taichi.
I tried to lift my head and get 'tousan's attention, but all I managed was another groan.
"...think it's safe to talk?" a faint whispher.
It was 'tousan said it. I wonder what he meant. As if talking wouldn't be safe?
"..'tousan..." I muttered, unable to speak any louder.
I heard movement, and sensed 'tousan had moved nearer my bed. I didn't open my eyes to see though. The light was too bright.
"..want..Taichi..."
-x-
"It's Sunday evening?" I asked in disbelief.
'tousan nodded. "You were found Saturday, and I discovered you here today. You were pretty much out from Friday til now, although you came around for a few minutes this afternoon. They moved you back out of the ICU a few hours later."
"Oh." I grew silent. Since Friday... and I hadn't even been found til Saturday. Kento...
I shuddered. I wouldn't go there. I couldn't bring myself to think about Kento and what he did to me. Not now. Not here. The pain was still too raw, too fresh and open. An open wound, you might say.
I heard 'tousan sigh heavily. "Matt... there's something I want to.. I need to.." he seemed to be fumbling with his words, not quite sure how to get it out. I fixed my blue eyes on him, faint traces of curiosity coming through. "Yes?"
"It's about... Taichi."
I felt my body stiffen, and tried to relax it. But it was impossible. The pain over Taichi was even worse to bear than the physical pain that was accompanying me now.
'tousan noticed my reaction, and for a moment I thought I saw guilt in his eyes, but brushed it aside. He had spilt Tai and me up, I wasn't about to forgive him.
That is, until what he said almost made me cry.
"When I walked in on you and Tai Friday night.. my mind flashed back to coming home and seeing you after Ken had gotten to you... in my mind, Tai was the equivalent of Ken. I got scared, I thought... I couldn't stand to see you in any more pain. I didn't want anything bad to happen to you anymore. You'd been hurt to much already.. I was afraid Taichi would do the same. I was too damn blind to see the truth," he said, sounding angry. By now I couldn't look at him. Couldn't stand to see such open pain in his eyes.
"The truth is Matt," he continued, "Taichi's good for you. I knew that and I let my fear run me all the same. I really have nothing against your relationship with Taichi. As long as it's based on true feelings and not a need for comfort after so much pain. As long as you're happy. Then I have no problem. So I was stupid. I had no right to blow up like that, I had no right to kick Taichi out of the house, and I had certainly had no right to take away your one chance at a normal life. I was stupid. I'm sorry."
There wasn't anything said for a long time after that, although I did end up crying.
'tousan didn't say anything about it, just came over and sat next to me in the bed, not speaking, just sitting there. Eventually exhaustion and stress begin to catch up with me, and I carefully lay down, mindful of my injuries.
Just before I drifted off to sleep, I murmured, "s'a'right, 'tousan."
-switch pov-
"How is he?" Kaos asked quietly, coming into the room.
"Fine," I replied. "Sleeping." Although probably not for long, I thought. The nightmares would come soon.
"How about emotionally?"
"He seems to be holding up well enough," I said, frowning. "But it's most likely just a front. Everything he does or reflects seems to be nothing but a front."
"He's been hurt a lot in his life, Ishida," Kaos pointed out gently. "And he often feels like he has no one to turn to. So he keeps everything hidden."
"I know," I sighed. "I just wish there were some way I could help, something I could do. God, he barely even trusts me. The only person he seems to have opened up to is Taichi, and I just royally screwed that up for him."
"Well you did talk to him right?"
A nod.
"Did he forgive you?"
"He said he did, after he cried for a long time." I smiled slightly, thinking back on those moments. It had been one of the few times Matt had allowed himself to show true emotion to me. Even though it pained me, it made me feel glad, glad he was opening up to me, no matter how little it really was.
-switch pov-
Monday. I'm bored. I rapidly get bored in the hospital. I tried studying the weasels again, but somehow they weren't so entertaining this time around. I wish Taichi were here. Even if he'd pester me about what happened, I wouldn't really mind. I just need to see him again. He's out of school. I could easily get 'tousan to call him and tell him to come visit.
I frown.
On second thought, that's a bad idea. He and 'tousan aren't exactly on best of terms right now.
I sigh. Damn. I could really use the company.
hum de de. Yawn. I'm really bored. I wish 'tousan wasn't working. I wish Dr. Kaos wasn't in surgery right now. Stupid people, always needed him to operate on them. He should be in here, getting rid of my damn boredom.
Suddenly I hear a commotion in my doorway, and a very familiar voice exclaims, "Ack! Damn!"
...Taichi?
I turn.
Taichi...
"Matt!" he yelled, running over towards me. "What in hell are you doing in here!"
End Part 5:2.