Olivia had just had her first kill in a long time. However she had saved the city. Turns out a few people thought it would be a good idea to start the holiday off with violence. A couple of mosques had been blown up. They had found the culprits and had forced them to Rockafellar center. Right by the tree, the tree millions of people came to visit every year. There he was looking at Liv, almost daring her. She did what she had to do to protect millions. She fired her gun, hitting him right in the head. He went down instantly and they all knew he was dead. In all actuality all Olivia had wanted to do was spend Christmas with her son and she had to chase people who wanted to blow up the city.
Amanda had felt the same way. She had wanted to spend the holiday with her girls. Jesse and Billie. Now watching this whole ordeal go down and she hated the new chief. He was a prick the way he talked to the squad and the way he regarded how Olivia ran her squad. So much different from the last chief. Then Declan resurged. Like what the fuck. Why. Then him being so nosy about her love life. Like why? He barely asked about Jesse except for commenting how he missed out on birthdays and christmas's. She really wanted to tell him that if he really wanted to make the time for them he would. But she bit her tongue and just said that they were good and that she had wanted a baby. It was just awkward. But back to the present. She was worried about Olivia.
Olivia had gone home and just laid on the couch. She had killed a man on Christmas no less. Another person not being able to be with his family for the holiday. She couldn't get the visual of the bullet hitting his head and then him falling down dead.
Since Amanda's mother had taken Noah when she picked up Jesse and Bille, she decided she was going to indulge in some wine. Shortly later her buzzer had gone off alerting her to a visitor. She took the last swig of her wine and got up to answer her door. Upon looking through her peephole she saw that it was Amanda on the other side of the door. She opened up the door..
"Amanda what are you doing here?" she watched as the blonde entered her apartment. Amanda put her jacket on the back of the table chair. She turned and looked at Olivia. "I had to come over and check on you. I wanted to make sure you were okay after what happened this afternoon."
Olivia took a shaken breath, "I don't know what I am. All I know is I went to church with Noah and next thing I know I'm called to a scene and by the way I'm very grateful to your mother for taking Noah for me. Then at the end of the case I shot someone. Point blank right in the damn head. I took his life. On Christmas Amanda. What about his family?" Amanda listened to her as she talked. Her tone was defeated and hurt. Olivia went on about how it was her shot that killed the man. Even though he was clearly the terrorist as she would call the prick. "Remember how you felt that dreadful day with Esther? I feel like that. Yes I saved a city, I saved alot of people. But Amanda I shot him right in the head killing him instantly." Amanda shuddered at the thought of Esther. Out of all of her cases that was the one that triggered her the most. Liv was right, she had gone through the same ordeal pretty much, it was the bullet fired from her service weapon that had killed the young girl. She sat down next to Liv on the sofa. Watching her boss, her friend, one of the strongest women she knew. It was heartbreaking to see her go through this.
"Oh how Esther still gets to me to this day. I still can't get over the fact that I ended her short life. I remember that day well. Too well actually. I also remember when you delivered the news that it was a bullet from my gun that killed her. You told me that you knew everything was going to be okay and you knew I would be back in action in no time. That case hurt and after you said all that you left me to my own. I couldn't bring myself to do that to you. I had to check on you and make sure you were okay. I saw that look on your face."
"Look Liv, you have got to give yourself a break. Yes you took a life. But look at all the lives you saved in taking that one. Olivia you saved yours, mine, our squad as well as the city." Olivia nodded she knew Amanda was right, but she still couldn't shake her feelings. Amanda was very worried for Olivia right now. Her friend sitting here not really knowing which was was up. She was just about to get up and leave when Liv spoke once more.
Olivia was leery on asking Amanda about this but she went ahead.
"So let's change the subject for a bit. You're worried about me. I appreciate that. But you just had your world rocked a bit too. Did you get to talk to Declan at all?"
Amanda looked at Liv. Yeah seeing Declan was a damn shock after all this time had passed. It had been so long and she was doing fine raising her kids on her own. Neither father had been in her daughters lives. She was fine with that. She had good friends and was rebuilding her relationship with her mom.
"I did get to talk to him yes. It was quite awkward to be honest. He asked about Jesse and seemed a bit remorseful for missing so much with Jesse but he also didn't make it sound like he wanted to be there either. If that makes sense. So I told him I didn't mind being a single parent and that I preferred it. He didn't say anything to that. Then he asked if I was seeing anyone and I wouldn't answer him. Just told him I was happy with me and my girls."
Olivia understood, for a long time even she thought Amanda had something for men in power. It wasn't the case. They just sat and relaxed, enjoying the peace and quiet. Then Amanda noticed Olivia getting the shakes once more. She looked over at Liv. "Hey Liv you okay?" Olivia shook her head no, trying to hide her face as tears fell down. Amanda scooted closer to Liv, then she pulled Olivia in her arms. Her boss and her friend was always the strong one for everyone, their victims, their survivors and even each other. Hell Liv had been there for her and been strong for her as well. She was glad that Olivia didn't fight the hug and even let her hold her. The older woman's tears killed her. She sat there holding Olivia letting her cry it out and do what she needed to do. Amanda wanted her to have what she gave everyone else. It was quite calming to sit and just hold Olivia. They sat like that for some time. She had no idea how long they had been sitting there but just knew it was a long time.
Olivia couldn't believe that Amanda was still there. Still holding her. She looked and saw the blue eyes watching her making sure she was okay next thing she knew she had claimed Amanda's lips in a kiss. Just craving the connection with someone. When they broke apart she looked up at the blonde with hazy eyes.
"Oh shit. Amanda." she jumped up and out of the blondes arms. Knowing she had just made things extremely awkward between her and her friend. She stood up and went over to the window. Today of all days was some crazy shit. Christmas and her son was with her friend's mother as well as her neices. She also shot someone and ended his life. She had confused the shit out of herself. Just then Amanda in return claimed her friends lips in a kiss. She couldn't help herself. She needed to feel the soft tender lips once more. Once they broke the kiss again for air, Amanda looked at Liv with soft eyes.
"Don't apologize Olivia. You needed the connection. I didn't mind it. But I think you need to get some rest and relax after this hell day. So I'm going to hit the road. My phone is always on so call or text if you need anything."
She had gotten all her things together and was putting her wine glass in the sink. Something was sparking off between them. Amanda was unsure of what but those kisses meant something at least to her. She had gotten to the door and was watching Olivia. Olivia however had other intentions, she had gotten up from the couch and came to the door. She stepped in front of Amanda.
"Wait, please don't go. I don't want you uncomfortable. But I don't want you to leave. Especially like this."
Amanda looked at the woman who was in front of her. She really wanted to haul ass out the door but Olivia didn't deserve that.
"Look Liv, I really like you, hence why I kissed you back. But right now things are complicated, you are a mess with the shooting. I don't want to take advantage of you in a time like this nor do I want to be used for your emotional relief. So I think we should cool it until you are in a better place and mind. I will always and let me reiterate that I will always be here for you as a friend. But if you want more, I need to be sure not just for myself but for you as well that it's for the right reasons."
Olivia felt bad, she hadn't wanted Amanda to feel bad. "I understand Amanda. I'm sorry for the confusion that I have caused you. I honestly didn't mean that." She swatted tears that started to fall. "I thank you for coming over to check on me." She then saw Olivia go and pull out a fresh bottle of wine. They had just finished off what she thought was Olivia's last bottle of wine. Now she was worried. Liv drinking when she had clearly had way more wine than Amanda had, not mention she was using it like a coping mechanism and she knew from experience that wasn't a smart idea.
"Liv, hey I don't think that's a very good idea. We just finished off a bottle and you had some before I got here. You don't want to go to work tomorrow with the headache from hell. Why don't you see me out and then just go on and get some rest?"
Olivia narrowed her eyes, and her tone got angry "Who the hell are you to judge me? Huh? Just who in the hell do you think you are? What you want me to do, go out and bet on the cards? Sleep with random guys, I'm not like that Amanda. I don't want to be alone, so maybe I drink the bottle til I pass out. Then I won't have to worry bout being alone. But you are more than welcome to leave."
Amanda's eyes went wide. She had come over to check on someone she considered a friend. Never did she think her past would come to bite her in the ass like that. She couldn't believe Olivia just did that to her. She literally just threw up her entire past in her face all at once. "You know what Liv, that's exactly the repercussions that I'm afraid of. They just all came back up to bite me in the ass. After I have busted my ass to overcome them, as well as busted my fucking ass to be a damn good mother to my two girls. But thanks for that. Merry Christmas to me. I'll let you know when my mom comes back with the kids. Good night Olivia. Merry Christmas to you."
She walked out the door, and out to her car. Tears stinging her eyes. Olivia stood on the other side of her door. She banged her head against the door. What in the hell did she just do? The only one who actually had worked to get close to her she just threw everything in her face. What the hell was wrong with her? That was the last thing she wanted to do. She hadn't wanted to hurt Amanda like that. She she was still confused as to why she had kissed her. But maybe like Amanda said, she had needed the connection at the time.
Amanda was thankful she had gotten close parking. She hopped in her car. Sitting in her seat, wondering what the hell she was doing. Today had been a fucking day. Ontop of that all she wanted was to be with her girls. Just as she sat in her car and closed the door, Olivia had come out. She rolled her eyes. This was alot. She couldn't just take off, so she opened her window. "Look I'm getting ready to leave. I think this is all I can take tonight. You've said all I needed to hear." Olivia shook her head "Look Amanda I don't know what happened. I really don't. I know I am very grateful for you to have been here for me tonight. I don't know why I said what I said. My defense mechanism kicking in. Shit Amanda I kissed you tonight and I don't even know where it came from and how you feel about it. I know you said you needed to be sure of things and I can't offer that right now cause I don't know. The only thing I know and am sure of is the fact I don't want to be alone. It's the holiday for god's sake and I shot someone, hell I killed someone. I fucked up, but I need you here. Will you please stay?"
Amanda looked at her, her eyes showing the hurt that Olivia's words had done. "Wow, you want me to stay after you said all of that? All of the shit I thought I had overcome? How fucking dare you? And you have the audacity to ask me to stay? Give me a good reason to stay. Would you ever treat a victim the way the way you have treated me? I mean shit Olivia, going back to when I had the addiction and instead of supporting me how you're asking me to support you right now, you threatened to transfer my ass. Actually your words 'If I wasn't so short-handed I'd transfer you today.' Oh.. Oh and another good one. When I put myself on the line and ALMOST got raped in that bathroom by Bobby DMico and his lil buddy Noel Penko, I videotaped it all, to show you the proof that they were guilty. That video got leaked and I swore up and down even on my baby girl that I didn't do it. You just berated me and called me a liar. If I remember right it was Dodds that leaked that video cause he didn't like Bobby and thought he was shit person. And yet you say all of this and want me to stay and be a friend to you. This is christmas for christssakes Liv. Christmas. You think I want to be alone? No. I don't I came over here to be there for you, and that was because I was worried about a friend."
Olivia looked Amanda, she truly was sorry for the things she said and how she made Amanda feel. She didn't think any words she said would make it better, but she had to try. She had to salvage the mess she made when she inserted foot in mouth.
"Look no matter what I say isn't going to make what I said okay. I can apologize over and over again, and it won't be good enough. But I honest to God never meant to lash out like that at you. I have no idea why I did it, and I sure can't make an excuse either. All I can say is that I deeply regret everything I said. I was angry and scared. No it's not an excuse to get me out of trouble, but it is the truth. I was upset and still upset that I took a life today. The first time in many years that I Olivia Benson have taken a life at point blank range. It took a lot out of me and yes you have been here and I appreciate it so much. I am so sorry for everything that I said. It came from a place I didn't know was there actually. I regret taking it out on you and I really am grateful that you came over here tonight. You helped me through alot tonight. I owe you. I know I was a bitch and I don't deserve to even ask you to stay, but I need someone here tonight and I prefer it be you since you do know what I'm going through. So I am asking if you would please stay with me. Please." Liv's voice broke as she asked that second time. When she saw no movement from Amanda, she realized there was no getting her to stay.
Olivia began walking into her place. She truly felt bad for what went down with her and Amanda. The one thing she didn't feel bad or regret were the kisses they shared. Amanda took a deep breath, she got out of her car and went back to Olivia's apartment. She knocked since Olivia had closed the door behind her. It took a few minutes for Olivia to actually answer the door.
When she saw Amanda standing at the door she was shocked. Her tone was soft when she spoke "Please come in." Amanda did so. She was still quiet waiting for Olivia to talk, it took Olivia a few minutes to talk "I thank you for coming back in. I really appreciate it. Would you like some coffee?" Amanda nodded, "That would be lovely." Amanda took her jacket off and put it on the back of the table chair. Olivia put the coffee on. Then made her way over to Amanda. Bowing down to look into her eyes "I am sorry Amanda. I'm really sorry." Amanda put her arms around Olivia. Trying to console her. Amanda had never witnessed Olivia this broken. She was at a loss but she just kept holding her and trying to calm her down.
"Amanda I am so sorry. I really am. I snapped and I am sorry. I want you to know that I so appreciate you coming back in here. I was drinking to be numb. But you have been here and you are helping me to feel. I don't know why I lashed out like I did, maybe cause I have really opened up and trusted you. I got scared. Scared of a few things actually. One letting you see me on the bottom struggling to find my way back to the top. Two, my feelings for you I was afraid to let you see that most of all." She looked at Amanda with soft eyes, touching her hand. Next thing that Amanda knew Olivia was once again kissing her. It felt nice, it felt safe. Amanda's lips were so soft and inviting. Olivia wasn't pushing she was just enjoying this. Finally broke the kiss for air. Both of them hazy eyed and flushed.
"Liv... what does this mean?"
Well this was supposed to be a little christmas short based on the recent episode. I was drawing a blank after I wrote the last line. If yall think of ideas I can play with or what you want to see feel free to leave me comments.