Random Bits 6 – Chapter 3
Luca – Stadium- Having forgiven Wakka, Lulu had decided to join her friends for the last quarter of the game. She has run into a small obstacle on her way to the Summoners Box.
Lulu eyed the line of crazed Aurochs junkies with great trepidation. There were a dozen or so of them, all jumping around and flailing excitedly, while they hooted and shouted. They were covered in greasy yellow paint, (and for a reason her brain refused to ponder, scattered Ronso hairs) and spilling food and drinks on themselves and those in a twenty foot radius. The paint and drinks, along with several pounds of nacho cheese, helped adhere all the crushed chips, pretzels, nuts, candy and popped grains that would otherwise be littering the ground. They reminded the Black Mage of larger, mobile versions of the bird feeders made by second graders. In compliance with sporting event rules, most of them were obese, half-naked, and in danger of spitting up a lung.
Lulu desperately scanned the stadium in hopes of finding an alternate route to the Box. Of course there were none, Yevon having a good chuckle, unless she wanted to climb the banners. She looked back at the forest of Wobblysweatyflesh and decided that if she wanted to make it to grandma's house she would have to kill the wolf herself. The ruby-eyed girl squared her shoulders and marched resolutely forward only to have a wild-eyed junkie scream at her with the lung power of a rock singer. The Black Mage's eye twitched.
At every source of outdoor entertainment there is a snack vendor who must meet two essential criteria. 1. The person must have the voice projection to shout 'Popped grains!', and so on, and 2. have the physical appearance of a butcher. In Spira this person was Marp.
Marp the snack vendor turned from his latest customer in time to see a group of bellowing blitzball fanatics freeze and fall silent. Since most of them were dragging around a few extra pounds, it was a few moments more before several midsections realized it. The sudden halt in motion produced a strangely hypnotic wave that traveled along the line of bellies, and sent Marp stumbling off slightly confused with an inexplicable urge to slap a Flan.
"Gentlemen." Lulu nodded politely as the terrified fans scrambled over each other to get out of her way.
After greeting her companions, Lulu accepted Wakka's peace offering with expertly concealed contempt. (It was a skill acquired through years of dealing with idiots.) Yep. It was a humorous T-shirt similar to Tidus'. It had an image of two blitzballs, below which was printed 'Got Balls?' The red-eyed girl looked at Wakka, who had a dumpy hopeful smile crouching nervously on his face. Little beads of sweat formed on his forehead as she inspected the shirt. Cursing her soft-hearted nature, the Black Mage pulled on the horrid garment.
While posing with a grinning Tidus and Wakka (Tidus had to display his shirt too!) for a quick snapshot, Lulu vowed never to wear the shirt again. In fact it was going right into the trunk with all the other inappropriate items Wakka had presented her with over the years. Although a big-hearted soul, Wakka wasn't the brightest shell on the beach when it came to gifts. He didn't seem to understand that while humorous, frog figurines that piddled on you when you picked them up and stuffed dogs that produced a variety of lower intestinal tract smells when squeezed were not something to proudly display on the coffee table. Basically, if he got a giggle out of it, it was perfect. To avoid hurt feelings the trunk had been cunningly labeled 'Keepsakes'.
Happy to be back among her friends Lulu was in unusually high spirits. Tidus only received a mild frown and an almost playful jab from one of Lulu's hair pins for answering the question posed by her shirt. The Mage was feeling so good in fact that she could almost ignore the lecherous comment pertaining to her shirt. A prospective victim sauntered towards the Summoners Box, a spring of confidence in his step.
Unaware of Lulu's near legendary arsenal of snide, sarcastic, sharp, and down right nasty remarks, the young man suddenly found himself the center of the entire Box's attention. Even Kimahri had momentarily forgotten the game and was leaning forward in his seat, ears pricked. Suddenly nervous the man plunged doggedly ahead.
"Hey, baby. What's your favorite type of arctic waddler?"
Lulu's companions leaned forward with an eagerness that promised painful social events in the near future. The young man realized that he had lost control of the situation somewhere between leaving his seat and opening his mouth. He now found himself careening wildly down the hill of Social Situations in a rotten cart that had just lost two of its four wheels. Below he could see sharp rocks and several species of particularly throny cacti.
The female Guardian's reply would become an instant classic and used in bars and gathering places all over Spira by women who wanted to ward off unwanted suitors. She turned a penetrating stare on the young man and brisquely replied,
"Jackass."
Yuna's appalled gasp drew her attention long enough for her crestfallen victim to scrape the shattered remains of his Ego into his pocket, gather what was left of his Pride, and beat a hasty retreat.
"That was a little harsh Lulu." Yuna admonished, her other friends snorting and sputtering beside her.
"What? Its really the name of a type of arctic waddler."
Lulu curled a lip in disgust as a few slobbery pieces of half chewed hotdog landed amongst the growing colony of food spray in Kimahri's fur. The game was coming down to the wire and both teams were pulling out all the stops. Hail Yevons pulled off by both sides kept the fans on the edges of their seats and the Ronsos happy, which was productive to a long life without cerebral trauma. At the moment Kimahri was completely engrossed in the game, unconcerned with the particles of food and droplets of drinks and sweat landing in his coat.
The Aurochs fanatics had worked themselves into a frenzy and were flinging snacks and beverages, along with spit and sweat into the air with volcanic force. The Black Mage brushed disdainfully at a few droplets of a suspicious liquid that missed the new country of Kimahri, and landed on her sleeve. She scowled at the group of men as an entire bucket of popped grains landed in Kimahri's lap, the kernels spilling over the brim and onto her dress. Her Ronso companion didn't seem to mind though, because he tossed his empty bag on the ground and started on the new bucket. He growled menacingly as one of the junkies tried to reclaim the container.
As if summoned by Lulu's irritation a migrating flock of Divebeaks, drawn by the ever hungry seagulls, descended on the stadium like hungry college students. There was five whole minutes of stillness as fiend and fan peacefully co-existed, the humans distractedly sharing their snacks with the avian fiends. Shortly after someone's hotdog was pecked from their hands, the hand nearly coming with it, screams erupted.
Distracted by the cries of mass panic from the stands, both blitzball teams fled the field, leaving the critical shot unmade. The captains were left behind, angrily waving their arms in an attempt to bring their teams back. The players ignored the gestures (which quickly turned obscene). If the captains thought their teams were going to play with a bunch of man-eating fiends flying around, then they could go hang.
Kimahri stared at the field in disbelief, his jaw dropping to send a cascade of unswallowed drink into his bucket of popped grains. The rest of it was expelled from his nostrils in an explosive snort when he caught sight of the fiends. With a roar he launched himself at the nearest fiend, clawing madly at it, looking for all of Spira like a giant house cat batting at a dangling feather.
"He could have at least taken off the cap." Auron grumbled.
With so many Summoners attending the game and most of the fans already heading for the exits, the Guardians were free to deal with the fiends. Besides, the creatures didn't seem interested in the humans at all, only their food. The only ones that needed rescuing were the fanatics, who looked like mobile smorgasbords to the Divebeaks. A small perverse smile tugged the corners of Lulu's lips as two of the junkies ran by in a flurry of panicked shouts, thrashing around as the avian fiends clustered hungrily around them.
Auron, knowing that he was not the best at handling 'fliers' remained in the Box with Yuna and Lulu. Wakka was towards the top of the stadium, laying waste to the flock with his smelly blitzball (since it spent most of its time in his armpit it has developed a particularly sickening odor which was almost as potent as his Venom shot.), Rikku and Tidus were dealing with the fiends that were scavenging in the stands, and Kimahri had raised a small army of Ronso, who were decimating the Divebeaks.
A female Ronso earned the admiration of several males when she grabbed a fiend in each paw and spun them around by the heads with a skill rivaling a farm wife. The males watched in mesmerized as she spun them around like a pair of nunchucks until the bodies separated from the heads and spun off into the stands. There was just something attractive about a female covered in blood from head to toe choking chickens. It must have been all in the wrists.
Furious about having the game interrupted Kimahri took out his frustration on every fiend to cross his path. Spotting his next victim, the Ronso shoved aside another Summoner's Ixion, sending the Aeon bouncing away. Rising to its feet Ixion circled the Ronso in confusion, like a sci-fi geek bumped to the edges of a Star Wars merchandise giveaway. Ixion looked to its Summoner for orders, but received a bewildered shrug in reply. With a discomfited flick of its tail the Aeon slowly moved off to find a new opponent.
Now panicking, the Divebeaks began attacking the Summoners and their Guardians. It worked out well for the Ronsos who charged back and forth across the field, leaving bloody chunks in their wake. Kimahri, wearing his Official Aurochs beverage cap like a commander's uniform lead the pack. Rikku cheered them on as they swept past, distractedly punching a fiend. Unfortunately, the Al Bhed girl forgot that her weapon was equipped with Stone Touch. She yelped as the petrified body crashed down on her toes.
Tidus spun around as Rikku's curse of,
"Darn it!" rent the air. He cringed back as the small teen screamed at the next fiend, cursing it and all its kind for her pain. The boy watched in astonishment as Rikku dragged the Divebeak from the air with her bare hands, straddled it and began banging its head against a handy stone bench while she choked the life out of it. Tidus decided that the best course of action was to inconspicuously creep away. It was the quiet ones you had to watch out for, you know.
Spells and Attacks flared, wooshed and splooshed throughout the stadium as Summoners and Guardians slowly gained the upper hand ( …er claw…hoof…wing? Okay, let's just say appendage. Okay, appropriate appendages). Wakka moved among the fiends, performing a sort of horizontal dribble (The basketball move, not the drool technique) with his blitzball. Pausing for a breather during a welcome lull in the battle, the red haired captain glanced up as Tidus' random battle cry of,
"Eat my knobby ball, you scruffy buzzards!" echoed through the stadium as he leapt skyward to perform his Overdrive 'Blitz Ace'.
The 'coolness' factor of the moment (already in the low single digits) was significantly lowered as the fiends in Tidus' vicinity made a sound that was suspiciously close to a laugh, and was brought into the negatives when someone in the crowd shouted "Lame!"
Tidus didn't have time to wonder at how closely the voice matched Auron's however, because Wakka (seeing the fiend diving on Tidus in a stealthy rear attack) hurled his blitzball. It completely missed the fiend and struck the blond in the face. It bounced off, struck the fiend in front of him, and set off a pinball effect. The ball wove a complex ricochet pattern as it shot from Divebeak to Divebeak. The fiends exploded, the flash and sigh of pyre-flies doing duty as the light effects and pinball 'ping!' The ball returned to Wakka, who caught it, shoved it back into its nest in his armpit, and stood in a state of satisfied elation, not noticing that Tidus was Cursing him under his breath as he rose from the ground.
Wakka tried to nonchalantly saunter up to the Summoners Box to rejoin his friends. He paused to wave as the Summoners and Guardians cheered and clapped in a mixture of amazement and appreciation. A maneuver like that was only pulled off successfully about once in a life-time.
"That was incredible!" Lulu said, the praise escaping her lips before she could stifle it.
"Awww, Lu!" Wakka, groaned in embarrassed pleasure as the companions marched through the crowds with the other Summoners and Guardians in an impromptu parade. He was quiet for a moment as he bashfully waved to the crowds. A glimmer of mischief crept into his eye as he turned to Lulu and playfully said,
"So Lu, what's your favorite type of arctic waddler?"
End.
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Everybody look at Kimahri.(He's still wearing his cap) Now everybody laugh! (Then run like heck!). If you leave a review, you get to slap a Flan for free! Come on, I know you want to!