Our Recognition

Chapter 6

You're All I Have

"Under your skin feels like home

Electric shocks through aching bones

There is a darkness deep in you

A frightening magic I cling to

Give me a chance to hold on

Just give me something to hold on to

It's so clear now that you are all I have

I have no fear now you are all I have…"

"Were you asleep?" Lucas asked as he walked in, carrying a small package and a somewhat incredulous expression. "I just talked to you like, fifteen minutes ago."

Attempting to make sense of the strange dream she'd just had, Peyton stood from her chair and shook her head. It would've been nice if Lucas hadn't been the one to wake her up. The perfectly wrong person.

Smiling in a guilty fashion, Peyton answered, "I didn't get much sleep last night. You know me, I drift off pretty easily."

Lucas pretended to be offended. "You mean the anticipation of my completely awesome gift didn't keep you awake? That hurts, Peyton. It really hurts."

She was mildly amused, but stuck her hands out for the gift. "Just shut up and gimme my present."

With a chuckle, Lucas handed her the package. "It's not much, but I knew I couldn't come close to fully repaying you anyway." And he meant it. That night at Tric had meant so much to him. He'd forgotten what it was like to do things like that with Peyton. With anyone, really. Peyton knew good music, and meeting the lead singer of Stereophonics had been a dream come true. He couldn't imagine sharing something like that with anyone else.

He smiled a little sadly as he watched Peyton open the package. The last few weeks had been incredible, but he didn't want to make anything complicated by making a big deal out of them. It would be too confusing to try explaining, anyway. He watched her lift the top from the long, wide box and saw her freeze. She couldn't believe it.

It was a plane ticket to Savannah.

A horrible sensation shot through Peyton at the sight of the ticket. An unpleasant mixture of guilt, regret, disappointment and sadness washed over her, and she felt sick to her stomach. Oh, this was the very last thing she wanted.

"I did some serious searching to find his address. Your flight leaves on the 23rd. I thought you could go for the weekend, and just spend time with him. I know how much you care about him, Peyton." The words seemed to be hard for him to say, but he wasn't quire sure why. He'd given up Peyton to Jake long before; because it was obvious she needed more than Lucas could offer. So wasn't this what he wanted?

Peyton was still staring at the ticket. Knowing she couldn't be silent for too long, she mustered up the words she needed to say. "God, Lucas, this is so…unexpected. I…I don't even know how to th-thank you," she stammered.

Lucas's brow furrowed. He knew how to read Peyton well enough by now to know something was off. "You don't want to go?" he asked, feeling very confused. "I thought you'd been wanting this since last year."

"No!" she contradicted a little too quickly. "I want to go, I do." I just can't… Oh God, Luke, why'd you have to do this now? I can't let this happen…he has to know how I feel. "It's just…Jake is…" She didn't know how to say this. How could she say this?

Lucas kept waiting. "Jake is what?"

Jake is not you.

She wouldn't let her eyes well with tears. She wouldn't. "Jake is just really busy with Jenny, probably," she said with a forced smile. "How do you know he'll have time to see me?"

Lucas shook his head, still gazing at her fondly. "If he has any sense at all, Peyton, he'll make time to see you." Placing his hands on her shoulders, he added, "Come on, you deserve this."

She could keep the tears at bay no longer. The nagging feeling at the back of her mind wouldn't let her get away with not telling him. Turning around for a moment to wipe away the tears that had escaped, she said, "Lucas, there's something I have to tell you. Something…I should've told you a long time ago."

Lucas couldn't decide if they were tears of joy or sadness, but he desperately wanted to know if something was wrong. All he'd wanted to do was make her smile.

"What is it?" he asked, taking a step toward her.

The words were perfect in her head. They said it all, eloquently and simply. How much she still loved him, how she'd never stopped loving him, and how Jake could never fill the void in her heart that Lucas had left. It was exactly what she'd wanted to say. But when she turned around, she choked on them. His eyes were locked on her, with that earnest concern reflecting in them. The confession was right on her tongue, but when she opened her mouth to speak, all that came out was…

"You're the best."

Managing another weak smile, she walked to him and wrapped him in a tight embrace. Cursing herself for not telling the truth, she pulled away and immediately turned from him. He still appeared confused and worried. As sincerely as possible, she said, "Thank you."

Brooke hated her reflection.

As much as she constantly spoke of her looks and used them to her advantage, she loathed looking in a mirror.

Flipping her hair behind her shoulders and spraying body mist over herself, she left the bathroom and headed to the front room. Rachel was watching television, and saw Brooke getting ready to leave.

"Where are you going?" she inquired as Brooke was grabbing her purse.

Brooke appeared fairly sure of herself. "To talk to Lucas."

Now Rachel was at full attention. "You're going to tell him the whole story?"

Brooke nodded, somewhat defeated. "He should know what really happened."

"I'm glad you are. I think it's better for all of you that way. And it might put a stop to this 90210 love triangle you've had going for years now."

Shrugging, Brooke replied in a fond tone, "Maybe. But as much as all of this has hurt, and as bitter as I might always be, I don't think I'd trade my time with Lucas back for anything. Even if it would spare me the heartache."

Rachel smiled at the words. "Then I guess that's what matters."

Still mulling over Peyton's reaction to his gift, Lucas was lying on his bed, looking up at the ceiling and tossing his basketball in the air above him. He couldn't understand why she'd acted so upset. It appeared he'd lost touch with the ability to make anyone happy lately.

The thought that she might not feel that way for Jake anymore had already crossed his mind and been quickly discarded. Peyton wasn't an option for him in that way anymore. He'd had his chance, and he'd ruined it.

Blowing out a heavy, distressed sigh, he looked up sharply when he heard a knock on his door. Wondering if Peyton had come to explain, he set his basketball down and jumped up, pulling the door open and finding Brooke standing before him.

Lifting his brows in surprise, he said, "Brooke. I…wasn't expecting you."

She smiled wanly. "Can I come in?" she asked softly.

Somewhat puzzled, he opened the door wider. "Of course. What's up?"

Brooke mentally prepared herself for what she was about to say. There would be repercussions from this, and she needed to be ready for them. Not only for not telling the truth in the first place, but also for what Lucas would do with the new information.

Wringing her hands together, she looked up at Lucas. "I wasn't completely honest about why I broke up with you."

Lucas's frown deepened. "What do you mean?"

She paced the room. "Do you remember at the wedding, when I asked you not to talk to Peyton?"

He nodded. "Yeah…"

"You did it anyway, didn't you?" Her tone wasn't accusing, simply asking. Although there was a slight tinge of annoyance that wouldn't leave the end of her question.

Lucas looked uncomfortable, but nodded almost imperceptibly. Brooke went on, "Do you know why we were fighting?"

Again, he nodded. "Yeah, Peyton told me."

Brooke opened her mouth to speak again, but stopped when the words sunk in. "Wait, she told you? And you weren't…surprised?"

"Well no, it wasn't like it was a big deal or anything. I'm still not sure why it was such a big deal to you."

Brooke was affronted. "Excuse me?" she replied, ready to lose her cool. "You don't see why it was a big deal? Who do you think you…" She cut off, suddenly unsure if they were talking about the same fight. "Wait a second. What did Peyton tell you we were fighting about?"

Would Peyton lie about their fight? He couldn't think of any reason why she would. "She said it was because you thought we weren't just acting in the Naley play. You know, in the final scene." He paused. "…Wasn't it?"

Brooke wasn't shocked by Peyton's fib. Turning away, she muttered, "Well, she told half of the truth."

"What?"

She wheeled to face him. "She still has feelings for you, Luke," Brooke blurted. "She always has, she just never admitted it until the night of the rehearsal dinner. When she told you she loved you…she meant it. She wasn't just acting."

Everything inside of Lucas seemed to stop at once. Everything he'd ever known to be true had now changed. Suddenly, it all made sense. His mouth was going dry, and he wasn't sure he'd be able to struggle in another breath on his own in the next few seconds. If what Brooke said was true…it literally changed everything about his future.

Grasping for words, he stuttered, "H-How do you know? She…she told you herself? But she's…she's been with Jake. She told everyone she loved Jake. How is this possible?"

Brooke shook her head. "As much as they tried…I don't think Jake was ever enough. She told me she went to see him a few weeks ago, and things didn't work out."

Suddenly, Peyton's entire reaction to the plane ticket made sense. He wondered what had happened, but before he could contemplate it, Brooke continued. "It's been obvious to everyone but you, Luke. I…I saw it every day I was with you, but I tried so hard to shut it out. It wasn't over between you and Peyton before, and it still isn't over. And you shouldn't have been with me if your heart was still with her."

Lucas couldn't believe this was happening. Of all people, he hadn't expected Brooke to be the one to tell him something like this. After walking on eggshells for so long with this topic, it was strange for her to confront him with the truth so readily. Was she right? Had he been lying to himself the entire time he was with Brooke?

Unsure how she was feeling as she watched him struggle with the new information, Brooke said quietly, "I just thought you should know. What you do with it is up to you." She headed for the door, but not before Lucas stopped her.

A few beats of silence passed between them. "Thanks," he said finally, very genuinely.

A short nod of acknowledgement was all Brooke offered before she left.

"Mind if I sit here and read?"

"As long as you don't act out the parts."

"I want everything with you. I want us, Peyton."

"The truth is, I want all the same things you want, I do. And I want them with you."

"We got carried away. It didn't mean anything."

"It didn't?"

"Of course it did."

"Lucas, you're dating Brooke."

"I know, and she's great, okay? But…she's not you."

"I was so scared you weren't gonna wake up."

"What? And miss out on being with you?"

"Even if we could be together, what makes you think it would work?"

"Because I feel it in my heart. Don't you?"

"…Yes."

Memories of every word, every kiss, and every emotion were coursing through Lucas that night. He stood out on the Rivercourt, practically making a tread in his match with the amount of pacing he'd been doing. Hours had passed since Brooke had come to him, and the weight of her words was still creating a suffocating feeling within him.

He recalled the shooting, and her confession in the library. The way she'd kissed him. The way she'd tried to downplay it a few days later. He hadn't thought anything more of it than friendship sort of love, but now that he knew…

How could he have ever been so blind?

He thought about his relationship with Brooke. He had been so immersed in putting all of his efforts toward showing Brooke how much he loved her, he couldn't consider anything else. But all of their arguments had been over Peyton. Every problem or bump in their relationship had been about Lucas not letting Brooke in, but talking to Peyton about important issues. He really hadn't seen the truth all along. Brooke had seen it, Peyton had seen it, and Lucas had shut his eyes to it all.

The summer they'd spent together, the road trip to see Ellie. The Classic, the school shooting, the gym where Dan had tried to strangle him, the play, the wedding. All of it had been his journey. Their journey. Not just as friends, but as each other's half.

His hands clutched his head as he finally stopped moving. The sudden feelings were crashing down so heavily he wasn't sure what to do now.

All he knew now was that he'd loved her all along.