Frustration

Lily spent the remainder of her time at home doing – well, not doing that much to tell the truth. She owled her girlfriends Chrissy, Jessica and Cass, talking about anything and everything that came to them. She didn't talk to any of them about Sirius; Jess and Cassie wouldn't give her any helpful answers and Chrissy would probably give her a solution that she really didn't want to hear but made perfect sense. Often these answers seemed perfectly plausible and sensible at the time but turned out to be totally the wrong thing to do. Of course, even without Chrissy's help (which most of the time was, annoyingly, very helpful), Lily could usually manage to mess things up perfectly well for herself.

She also spent time with her parents, helping her mother to clean and decorate the house, or lounging in the garden with her father. Petunia was out with Vernon most evenings, and sometimes during the day. This was a mixed blessing, as Petunia was capable of making Lily's home life unbearable, but at the same time Lily was convinced that, given the opportunity, she and her elder sister would be able to work things out and become the way they had always been before Lily got that fateful letter inviting her to Hogwarts. From that day onwards, the sisters' friendship had ended, and something between jealousy and superficiality had intervened, on Petunia's part at least.

Lily hated their arguments. Every time she would have to fight not to be reduced to tears. At first she had been unable to cope with it and had spent most of her first summer holiday from Hogwarts locked in her room, hoping that Petunia would leave her alone. Over time, though, she was becoming gradually immune to her sister's taunts and insults. This was helpful in that Lily was learning to block it out, but the less painful it got, the easier it became to forget, and the quicker they forgot how things should be, the quicker their relationship would sink beyond salvaging point.

The last, and most frequent, thing Lily would spend her time doing was to lay on her bed and stare out of an open window into the sky, thinking for hours about herself, the people around her, the people she cared about and what their futures would hold.

Chrissy, her oldest friend other than Remus – she was a pureblood and tended to be clueless of the prejudice witches and wizards like Lily faced. Of all the things Lily ever needed to talk about, this was the one Christina Marsden couldn't understand, however hard she tried. Lily had found that it was easier just to go elsewhere for a shoulder to cry on. Chrissy's sensitive nature couldn't stand not being able to help her friend, especially as she already seemed to be frustrated by everything else going on in her life.

Carrie and Jess tended to be more understanding, but they were too perfect seeming for Lily's liking. Both naturally thin and pretty, they had loving families, good grades, and not a care in the world. Neither currently had boyfriends, which was good from Lily's point of view as that may just have made her spontaneously combust with envy. However hard she tried, Lily just couldn't be happy with herself.

She got good grades, great grades in fact. But they were just never good enough. Heather and Robert Evans had both graduated from Oxford where they met. In fact, they had both been each other's first serious relationship, so they were never really able to help Lily or Petunia with boy troubles either. In any other family, the girls would have helped each other, but not the Evans', sadly.

She also hated being friends with so many good looking people. Chrissy tended to be the one out of the four friends who got the most male attention, possibly because of her long legs, blonde hair and blue eyes, though it also seemed to have something to do with her apparently limitless self-confidence. Lily knew better than this though – underneath it all, Christina was one of the most insecure people Lily knew. But alongside her three friends, Lily always felt fat and frumpy.

Fat and frumpy were the wrong words though. It was more a case of being fatter and frumpier than her friends. She wasn't fat in any normal person's book, just compared to her friends. But she couldn't help thinking that, no matter how she looked against most people, her friends would be the ones people would compare her with.

She didn't dwell on this though. She spent her last day at home collecting together her Hogwarts things which had managed to spread themselves haphazardly around the house despite the fact that she only ever did her homework in her room.

>

On August 29, Lily kissed goodbye to her parents and left a note to Petunia outside her bedroom door. She figured that it was always worth trying, and at least with a letter she couldn't be on the receiving end of a stream of abuse as usual when she tried to talk rationally to her sister.

Alexandra Lupin collected Lily, explaining that Remus was waiting at home for James to arrive, and took her home just in time for dinner. The Lupins, despite being a pureblood family, weren't very well off (although no one ever commented on this as Remus had enough problems to deal with already) so couldn't afford a house elf. Alexandra and Remus usually made a joint effort on meals, and whenever Remus' friends were staying with them, as was often the case, they would all pitch in.

That evening they were having spaghetti bolognese. Lily could smell it as soon as she walked through the door. Despite having just travelled on the Knight Bus, Lily's stomach rumbled and she breathed deeply, inhaling the appetising smell.

"Argh! Lupin, why'd you leave a poker there, of all places?"

"Yeah, Moony, of all the stupid – hi, Evans," James Potter had just stumbled into the hallway from the living room, his messy black hair even more rumpled than usual and covered in soot. He pushed his glasses back up his nose and continued. "You okay? Your owl's doing fine."

"Ah, sweet Juliet…"

"Hi, Sirius," Lily grinned. She turned back to Potter. "I'm fine thanks. How are you? And your mum?"

"We're good thanks. Moony, a word if you please?"

Lily could hear Remus sigh from inside the room. "Gladly, although you two are blocking the bloody doorway so I doubt I have any choice in the matter. Hi, Lils," he added as an afterthought.

She grinned again and was about to reply, but James had shut the door.

"Where should I put my things, Alexandra?" she turned to Mrs Lupin.

"The usual guest bedroom, dear. You know the one?" Lily nodded and began heaving her heavy trunk up the stairs. She could still hear Sirius talking, however.

"Ah, Alex. Looking radiant as usual, if I may say so." Lily sighed. Only Sirius would think of calling Remus' mum Alex. He was as typically Sirius as usual, then.

"Sirius," Lily could hear the smile on Mrs Lupin's face. Everyone seemed to fall for Sirius' flattery, "where are yours and James' things?"

"Oh," Sirius sounded a bit perturbed, "we're not staying. Not tonight anyway, I don't think."

"Why not? Are you both alright? Is Louisa okay?"

"Yeah, we're fine. It's just -- well, you're probably best to wait for James."

Lily didn't bother listening any longer. It sounded like Potter and Sirius had got themselves into trouble over something. Probably left some Fillibuster's Fireworks in Mrs Potter's knife drawer or something equally stupid. She wondered why Remus hadn't told her Sirius would be coming though. He must have flooed from Potter's house. Ah well, it was a good thing really. She would have a chance to talk to him about why he never replied.

In fact, her chance came that evening after their delicious meal – the spaghetti had been followed by apple crumble and custard, one of Lily's favourites. Sirius headed upstairs alone and Lily followed. He seemed to realise he was being followed, as he turned around at the top of the stairs.

"Hi, Lily," he hugged her as she reached the landing.

"Hello, Sirius. How are you?"

"Ah, can't complain. Yourself?"

"I'm great actually, especially after Alexandra's cooking."

"Ah yes, my darling Alex. How I've missed her…" Lily tried not to laugh as Sirius stroked his chin, feigning wistfulness.

"Sirius," she interrupted him, "we need to talk."

"Hmm? Oh yes. Your room or mine?" He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Again Lily fought not to laugh, but gave an exasperated sigh. "Seriously, Sirius."

"Yes, I'm serious. Your room or mine?"

"Mine," Lily decided. She pulled Sirius by the hand through the door of the Lupins' guest bedroom and he shut it behind them.

Lily looked at the floor, knowing that if she let herself look into Sirius' grey eyes she would never be able to scold him. "Sirius, I don't know what's going on. This was all okay when we were at Hogwarts, you and me I mean. But now -- you haven't owled me since we got home for the summer; I've tried and I didn't get a reply. Remus said not to worry about it and that there's no problem, but it's not as easy as –" Lily tried to concentrate as Sirius played with her hair, twiddling it round his fingers and stroking the back of her neck. They were standing so close -- he must have stepped closer as she spoke, as she now had no choice but to look into his eyes. Nevertheless, she tried to continue. This had been bothering her for nearly two months; she wasn't about to let it go now. "And now I -- Sirius, are you listening to me?"

"No," he said, and silenced her with a kiss.

It wasn't like they hadn't kissed before. In fact, Lily couldn't remember where and when they had kissed, but this -- this was different. Instead of Sirius' usual playfulness, there was something else behind it. He seemed more…needy, desperate. Not in a sexual way, but she could feel it. He was holding her so close, closer than he ever had done, and when they finally broke apart he didn't let go. They stood there, arms round each other, for what would have been at least fifteen minutes before they were interrupted.

"Oy, Padfoot! What you up to in there?" Lily could hear James' voice at the door.

"What do you bloody think I'm doing?" Sirius' gentleness was gone. He pulled away from Lily and opened the door. "What do you two mongrels want?"

"Come and play quidditch with me, Moony won't play."

Sirius looked back at Lily who was staring at the ground, and said, "Er – okay then. I haven't been on a broom all summer, come to think of it."

He and Potter left and Lily was left staring at the ground.

"Lily," she jumped. "Lily, what's up?"

She heard Remus close the door and felt his hand on her waist, pushing her towards her bed.

"It's nothing," she heard herself say. "I'm fine."

"No you're not, Lils," he sat down on the bed beside her, his arm still round her waist. "What's he done now?"

She grinned, despite her annoyance. Remus always knew what was up with her, always. "Oh, nothing really, just – ARGH HE'S SO FRUSTRATING!"

"Ssh, keep it down Lily or they'll hear you from the flipping garden!"

"Sorry," she said in normal tones. "I tried to talk to him, I tried to tell him how I feel about him, and ask him what was going on, but he wasn't listening! All he wanted to do was kiss me! Argh!" For some reason, Lily was crying now. She couldn't stop herself. All the pent-up frustration of the summer was releasing itself and she had tears running down her cheeks. "Remus, what do I do? I like him, I really do, but when he won't listen to me, I wonder if it's worth it."

Remus sighed. This time he was the one staring at the ground. "Lily," he looked up at her, "there's something you need to know about Sirius."

Lily gulped, her tears slowing. "Oh God, he's not an escaped convict on the run from Azkaban, is he?"

Remus grinned. "Most things I wouldn't put past Sirius, but that? No." Lily grinned back. "Lils, has he ever talked to you about his family?"

Lily frowned. "No, he doesn't talk about much really." Now one lone tear was trickling down her cheek. She laid her head on Remus' shoulder and he moved his arm from her waist to her back. "Remus, that tickles! Stop it!"

She could feel him grinning. "Sorry. Well, you know his cousins?"

Lily racked her brains. "Oh yeah, Narcissa. And that other girl, what's her name? Bella wasn't it?"

"Yep. Bellatrix and Narcissa Black. They've got another sister, Andromeda. And they're all going to be married to the up-and-coming Death Eaters of the future. Bellatrix is engaged to Rodolphus Lestrange, Narcissa has a thing for Lucius Malfoy, and Andromeda – well. She's been out of Hogwarts a few years now. She was supposed to be marrying some other Slytherin sod, but she eloped with a muggle-born."

"So –" Lily was finding this hard to take in, "Sirius' cousins are on Voldemort's side?"

"His whole family is," Remus said sadly. "He and Andromeda -- they're the only decent ones of the bunch. She was a Slytherin so she didn't have any problems with her family until now, but Sirius –"

"-- Is a Gryffindor," Lily finished for him. "What about his parents though?"

"They're as dark as the rest. Not Death Eaters, but as close as it gets. Sirius backed Andromeda up over her marriage and fell out with his parents big time. His mother being the woman she is, they threw curses and hexes and God knows what else at each other. He carried on living there though, until something happened that was just the final straw, and he had to leave. He's staying with James now. He'll probably be living there until he's of age."

"Can he not go home ever?" Lily sounded shaken.

"No. His mother said –" Remus' voice cracked. "She said that if he ever enters that house again, she'll kill him."

"She can't mean that! He's her son!"

"No, she means it. She would kill him as soon as looking at him. As far as she's concerned, he's a traitor to the family name and doesn't deserve to live. His father threw him out with a bag of gold."

"Shit," Lily said. There didn't seem to be anything else she could say to convey her feelings about the situation. Fresh tears were streaming down her face and dripping onto Remus' blue shirt. "Sorry, Remus."

"Don't worry, I understand. It shocked me when I found out. I knew about his family being dark, of course -- all purebloods know each other and most are related, so we all know things like that. But you wouldn't know, being muggle-born. I kind of forgot about his family when I met Sirius because he was so different from all of them, so it was a shock for me too when I realised how many problems Sirius really has with them." Lily nodded mutely. "James told me what happened earlier. I don't think Sirius is up to staying with us at the moment." She nodded again, understanding now why Sirius had acted the way he did.

"So that's why he was so -- different. Desperate."

"Yes. Lily, you've got to be very careful with him. The only reason he's coping at the moment is because of James' family, because of his friends, and because of you. He needs you now. Whatever problems you have with him, try and understand that he can't help the way he acts sometimes and that arguing might be the worst thing you can do for him at the moment."

Lily was still crying, hating everything that Remus was saying. Although she knew he was right, this meant that she would have to put up with every little thing Sirius did, and -- well, if she wanted to break up with him any time soon, it really wouldn't be an option.

Remus could obviously tell what she was thinking, because he said, "Lils, it's going to be hard for you, I know that, but you've got to be strong for his sake. It'll all work out eventually and you can make things work the way you want them to."

"Remus, just -- just go. I need to be alone."

Lily spent the rest of the day mulling over her thoughts, not really taking in anything around her, even Mrs Lupin's cooking which she usually loved. That night, she lay in bed thinking about the way in which situations tended to make themselves difficult, however hard you tried to keep them simple.

Hopefully that was the end of the boring bits. Please tell me what you think and stick with it! I promise things will start to heat up soon.