Fear

The next day, Lily woke up in a much better mood than she had finally gone to sleep in. She had realised that not being able to break up with Sirius wasn't an issue, as she still liked him. So she was going to help him by being argumentative as little as possible and by doing whatever would keep him happiest.

James and Sirius had decided to stay at Remus' after all, as Chrissy would be coming to stay on the night of the 31st anyway, so they could all get together before school started. Since Lily was in a better mood, they spent the day shopping in Diagon Alley, shopping for all their school stuff. After a morning together and lunch in the Leaky Cauldron, Lily and Sirius wandered off together.

Lily's fingers were entwined with Sirius', and his thumb gently stroked the back of her hand. She loved him when he was like this, sentimental and caring. He became so much more serious though, not the happy-go-lucky joker she had fallen for. But it could only be expected, she supposed. He was going through some rough times.

"Sirius, I need a new quill, can we go in here?" She motioned at a shop door just ahead of them.

"Of course" Sirius kissed Lily's cheek, making her smile. He disentangled his fingers from hers and slipped his arm round her waist as they turned into the shop. She thought wistfully of how lovely it was to be cherished like this.

As they came out of the shop, Lily holding another shopping bag containing three new quills and some coloured ink, Sirius turned and kissed her full on the mouth. Surprised, Lily moved her hand slowly up to rest on his shoulder. She pulled away gently, not fully comfortable with public kissing. She heard a snicker and the couple turned to find Lucius Malfoy, a 7th year Slytherin, and a bunch of his cronies staring at them.

"What's the matter?" Sirius scowled "Can't get any yourself?"

"Quite the contrary, Black." Lucius sneered. "Like yourself, I have a gift with the ladies. I merely wondered why you picked a mudblood. Must be a damn good shag."

Sirius snarled, but Lily placed her arm on his hip and led him forcefully away.

"Leave it Sirius, it's not worth it. Everyone knows you're not like that."

Fuming, Sirius sat down at the nearest café table and Lily sat opposite him, dumping her many bags under the table. She took Sirius' hand and stroked the palm, trying as best she could to calm him down. He smiled weakly.

"Sorry Lils, they always get to me. Especially as I can't take anyone putting you down like that. You're worth so much more than everyone realises."

Lily was taken aback. She knew Sirius could be sweet, but he had never said anything quite so deep on the spur of the moment before. She felt herself smile shyly.

"Thank you."

They sat for a few moments gazing into each other's eyes before they were interrupted by James and Remus grabbing chairs and sitting with them. Lily sighed, wishing she and Sirius could have a little more time to themselves. Sirius held he gaze, apologising with his eyes. Lily smiled back at him, not blaming him in the least.

……

Lily was helping Alexandra lay the table that evening when Sirius poked his head around the door.

"Could I borrow Lily for a minute please?"

He gave one of his don't-you-just-love-my-adorable-little-face grins at Mrs Lupin and she said "Of course you can dear." As Lily looked back at her while being dragged out of the room by her boyfriend, Alexandra winked.

Sirius pulled Lily up the stairs and into the guest bedroom he was currently sleeping in. She raised an eyebrow at him and he shrugged, laughing.

"Just thought we could get some more time to ourselves. Since we were so rudely interrupted earlier, I mean." Sirius gave a cheeky grin.

"Sure. So what exactly did you have in mind?"

Sirius grinned again. "This."

He cupped Lily's chin in one hand and softly brushed his lips against hers. She kissed him again, fully this time. He ran his tongue slowly along her bottom lip, making her shiver. She could feel him grin at this. He did it again and Lily parted her lips so his tongue was in her mouth.

They didn't break contact as they sat down on Sirius' bed. His hands were on Lily's hips and she held the back of his neck with one hand, letting the other trail down his side. They kissed some more, Lily's hand caressing Sirius' shoulder, his chest. He gave a little moan and mover his hands to Lily's collar. Slowly, tantalisingly, he began to undo her shirt. Lily didn't mind – they had done this before. Right now, she just wanted all of Sirius that she had missed in the weeks they had spent away from each other.

Sirius slipped Lily's shirt off her shoulders and began to kiss her jaw, her neck, and nuzzled her collarbone. She wanted him to touch her, but she wanted to be careful not to lead him on. She couldn't have sex with him, not here in Remus' house. Not at all really – she wanted it but was scared. She knew she wasn't ready.

Sirius undid Lily's bra and began to kiss the skin between her breasts. She moaned as one hand slid up her stomach and brushed across her breast, across her nipple. Sirius pulled his shirt over his head and kissed Lily's mouth again, breathing heavily. He massaged her breasts with both hands. She held his back, feeling the smooth skin under her fingertips. She felt self-conscious, as she always did in any state of undress, but her feelings for Sirius overwhelmed that.

Sirius' hands moved to her jeans. Lily wanted to tell him no, that she didn't want that yet, but how would he take it? She didn't want to reject him. Lily barely noticed as her jeans and thong were pulled down and Sirius began taking off his own trousers.

She just tried not to think about it as Sirius began to make love to her. She didn't want it, not now, but she did want him. After all, what harm would it do? And they had talked about it, jokingly in Lily's case, but if Sirius had taken it seriously she couldn't really back out now.

Sirius felt Lily twitch beneath him, and he spoke for the first time since they had begun to kiss.

"You alright?"

Bloody great question to ask her, that. But Lily just nodded, not letting the pain she felt cross her face. The pain subsided soon enough, but she just didn't get any pleasure from it. She moved with Sirius, hearing him moan and finally feeling him come inside her.

……

"Lils, are you okay?" Chrissy asked for what must have been the tenth time that evening. It was the night before Hogwarts started again, and the boys had gone outside (Peter had arrived soon after Chrissy) to play quidditch.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm fine." Lily smiled at a totally unconvinced-looking Christina.

"Don't lie to me, Lily Evans. It's Sirius isn't it?" Lily nodded mutely, knowing there was no point in arguing with Chrissy. She always worked it out sooner or later. "You shagged him, didn't you."

"Yeah" Lily said quietly.

"Did you want to?"

"Yeah" Lily repeated.

"Wow, was it good?" Chrissy looked at Lily expectantly.

"Er…yeah" Lily didn't want to tell the truth. She would make both Sirius and herself look stupid, and she didn't want to tell anyone about her feelings afterwards, feelings of being used, feeling dirty and wretched. She didn't blame Sirius – it wasn't his fault. She never said no. But she couldn't look him in the eye now. Every kiss was cold to Lily. Evidently Sirius hadn't noticed, as he seemed happier than ever.

"Well seeing as you don't want to tell me about that" for once Chrissy hadn't picked up on Lily's misery, "let's talk about something else."

"Okay. How's your situation with Remus?"

It was Chrissy's turn to look miserable now. "What situation. There's never gonna BE a situation. Let's face it, I messed up back in second year and now I'm screwed. He may be my friend but he's never forgiven me for that."

Lily sighed. Much as she hated to admit it, Chrissy was probably right. It was a shame, as her and Remus were so perfect for each other.

"Don't be negative about it, Chris. Things will work out, one way or the other. They always do."

Normally Lily would be better at comforting her best friend, but tonight she just wasn't up to it.

"I guess." Chrissy didn't sound remotely convinced. "Anyway, how's it been here? Fun?"

"Yeah, it's been okay. Sirius and Potter have been here as long as I have, so it's been the four of us."

"Must've been damn funny." Lily shrugged and grinned. She hadn't really noticed what was going on most of the time. "You guys getting on alright together then?"

"I guess so. Me and Remus always do. It's different with Sirius now we're dating, which is weird, and I hardly know Potter."

"Hmm. You should get to know James better, he's a really great guy."

"Yeah, maybe."

"And cute."

"Mm."

"And I'm having his baby."

"Yeah, cool."

"But I may give it to Professor McGonagall for her to eat."

"Good idea."

"Lily, wake up! Sirius wasn't that good, was he?"

Lily heard this and blushed. But for a completely different reason to the one Chrissy was envisioning.

Right, I know I said L/J, but that had to happen. I'm sorry. It's the way the story goes. Please review!