Loneliness

"What's up? Still thinking about Remus?"

"Yeah. I know I shouldn't, but I care about him so much. He's so perfect, everything about him. And I can't help thinking that I'll never get the chance to be with him. I don't think he's ever forgiven me for how I hurt him. I know he can be nice sometimes, and I just light up whenever he speaks to me, or even if he glances in my direction. What can I do, Lil?"

"I really don't know. There's no easy answer though; if you really like him this much, there must be a good reason for it. I know people have told you to give up on it, but I don't think you should. Not until you're sure that's what you want to do. And at the moment I know you're not sure. If you wanted to get over him, we wouldn't be having this conversation."

"I know. I know that and it's killing me. I want this to be over but I can't stop leading myself on. I can't stop kidding myself that there's a chance. A chance that he's forgiven me, that he still loves me. But how could he? After I've hurt him this much, there's no way he could still feel anything but hatred for me. If I was him, I'd never speak to me again. How could I have been so stupid? Stupid, stupid, STUPID!"

"Honey, it's not your fault. Everyone makes mistakes and not all those mistakes were yours. He'll see that. He's such a sweet and caring guy that he couldn't possibly blame you for all that happened between you. You were both young and, even if you'd done what he'd been hoping you would, there's no way of knowing if it could ever have worked out."

"But what if it had worked out? We could have got married and had babies and grown old together."

"And opened a llama farm."

"Yeah…WHAT? Llamas? Where did that come from?"

"Oh, nothing."

The two girls lay in silence, looking up at the ceiling, which was decorated, like the great hall at Hogwarts, to look like the sky outside. Tonight it was cloudy and the wind caused the clouds to race across the half moon, casting shadows across the girls' faces, Lily's head lying on Christina's stomach.

"Do you believe in destiny?"

"Yes. No. I don't know. I want to believe in it because then I wouldn't have to regret anything that had happened between me and…between me and Remus. I'd know that, whatever happened, we might be destined for each other. But what if we weren't? I'd spend my whole life dreaming of him when it could never happen because I was meant to be with someone else. One thing I do believe in is soul mates. Finding that one person who makes you feel complete."

"Would you know? If you met your soul mate?"

"I don't know. I'd like to think I would. Eyes across a crowded room, love at first sight," she neglected to say, "I think I already have."

"Is it pointless then, being in other relationships? If you feel nervous or afraid, or…lonely. Should you give up on it?"

"I suppose you should. But what if you made a mistake? You can't kiss every guy in the world until you meet the one."

"And what if it's not that obvious? What if you have to try for it? Imagine giving up on a relationship when it could have turned into the sort of love that lasts forever."

"Forever and a day."

"Why a day?"

"Lily, you just ruined it. That was a poetic moment and you had to go and mess it up by questioning my poeticosity and geniusness."

"Oh."

"Seriously though, if you thought like that you'd never want to let someone go. Imagine the pain and loneliness you could endure while hanging on for something that probably wouldn't ever come." Lily was quiet. "Lils?"

"Mm?"

"What are you thinking?"

"I'm thinking…someone once told me that the man you marry will be a man you met in the first part of your life, while you're still getting used to what life means. And he'll be a man you found without having to look for him."

"Strange."

"Why do you say that?"

"It's true. Most couples I know have known each other for years before they finally get together."

"But what about the ones that haven't? There are a lot more that never met each other until halfway through their lives."

"Maybe they didn't, though. Maybe they met each other years before and never knew it."

"Like long lost…long lost soul mates."

"Yeah. Just like that."

"You and Remus…maybe you're meant to be."

"I hope so. I really do. I don't know why I feel like this about him, it's so stupid."

"Not stupid, Chris. Just…love."

"Love? Lily, I don't love him."

"I think you do."

"Well I think I don't."

"If you say so."

"I do."

Another few minutes passed, in which the moon grew brighter and the stars became visible, twinkling on the black satin sheet that was the sky.

"Do you love Sirius, Lils?"

"I – No. I don't. At least, I don't think so."

"Lily?"

"Yes?"

"If you don't love him, why have sex with him?"

"Why not?" a stupid answer, she knew, but she didn't want to give an honest one.

"Do you really think that way?"

"I guess so."

"Does he love you?"

"I don't know," another lie. Lily couldn't face admitting that she had lied to Sirius and told him she loved him when he said the same to her. A pang of guilt hit her. But how else could she act? To not reply would have hurt him so badly, and that was the last thing she wanted to do.

"Have you ever wondered if you're just in love with the idea of being in love?"

"The idea of being in love…how can you feel the same way about that as about a person? The idea of love can't make you feel better about anything."

"But it can. Love can excuse almost anything, and the idea of being in love soothes guilt about --about whatever anyone might have done."

Lily knew Chrissy wasn't hinting anything about her and her relationship with Sirius, but she still couldn't bring herself to answer this. She wasn't pretending to love him, she just wasn't quite sure yet. She was sure she loved him, but it wasn't that simple. She hadn't seen him in so long – how was she supposed to know? She sighed.

"Chris, how do you really feel about Remus?"

"Remus…he's just perfect. In every way. Even if he ignores me or is mean or when he gets all stressed out over nothing, I think it's amazing."

"That's what love is."

"That's part of what love is. The other part is having it reciprocated."

"I guess."

"Is that how you feel about Sirius?"

"I don't – I don't know. I'm tired. I think I'd better sleep – school tomorrow."

"Night, babe."

"Sweet dreams."

"Ice creams."

Lily smiled, but it was a long time after Chrissy's gentle snores began that Lily finally drifted into a fretful sleep.

Right guys, I'm done with this one. I know it's short, so I'll try to get another one out later today - I've got one half done. Anyway, I'm a little disappointed that no one's reviewed since chapter one - 28 people have read this far and the story's on alert and favourites lists, so why did nobody bother to review? Is reviewing dead? Well I still review... feel guilty people!

Becca

Oh yeah, another thing - why have 27 people read chapter 3 and 28 on chapter 4? I don't get that. Why skip a chapter?

Also (having a forgetful day) I don't think I thanked the people who originally reviewed, which is v. ungrateful of me, so thanks to juniesfishies and genies9, you guys rock! I always write personal thankyous to reviewers, cos I think doing otherwise is just plain mean!