This Time Imperfect

Chapter Three: Tuesday

:---:

I walked to school by myself an hour early.

My footsteps were slow and forced, my cheery rhythm nonexistent. The night before I had received five or six calls from either Tomoyo or Syaoran.

I hadn't answered any of them. I had been feeling a little better after a good five more hours of sleep, but the feeling wasn't near happiness. It was more numbness.

Beside my bed I had found an empty condom wrapper which at least gives me comfort that he used protection. The last thing I could have handled was a pregnancy.

I couldn't imagine how my Dad or Syaoran would look at me if I had to tell them. Their eyes would be so betrayed. During dinner the pain had finally gone away between my legs so I considered calling Syaoran and Tomoyo and apologizing to them but then Touya had to come in and yell at me.

He accused me of getting drunk at the party with his friends.

He then rattled on about how I had better be lucky that this was the first time he knew about me getting drunk so he let me stay home all day with a hangover.

It stung a lot to have him say those words, firstly because they were not true and I couldn't believe my own brother would accuse me of such things, but also because I knew I couldn't tell him the truth.

The truth would hurt him to much and make him feel to guilty.

The sun shined through the trees as I walked through the park. It was only a little glimpse of sun from the crisp early morning air. I used to love walking to school early to see how pretty the rising sun was but now I don't feel the same.

The tree's that had once mesmerized me looked dull and boring. The sun shining just wasn't beautiful anymore. I think about turning around, heading home.

Then I think about how hard it will be, facing everyone. I realize though that I can't try to skip out of school forever.

I see the school yard when I see Tomoyo and Syaoran standing at the entrance. They are standing really close to one another, almost touching, and whispering about something.

A dark pit of self-doubt seeds inside me but I push it away. 'One step at a time.' I tell myself. Syaoran sees me walking towards them and he rushes over, his voice calling out my name.

He walks over and his eyes hold worry.

It feels weird though because that look used to melt my heart and give me butterfly's, now it only annoys me.

A spike of fear streaks through me. Am I losing my feelings for him? Will this whole ordeal tear our relationship apart? I tremble but he doesn't seem to notice.

I think Tomoyo does though because she walks behind him.

"Are you alright, Sakura? I got so worried when you never returned my calls…"

These words don't really him me but I take a small nod and force a smile. "I'm just not feeling great right now." I say.

His eyes burn deeper into my soul as he lifts his hand to my forehead. "Are you still feeling sick? Do you need to go home again?"

For a moment I consider it. Deeply consider it. Home may not be as safe as it once was, but it's safer than here. I force myself to nod no again though.

I can't run away forever.

The rest of the day was a blur and I didn't really feel as though I paid attention. I think most of my teachers and classmates dismissed it, thinking that I was still sick.

I think that Tereda-sensei was telling Rika that he was proud at me for coming to school when I look so ill. I could almost laugh at the irony of that statement.

Before I know it I'm walking in between Tomoyo and Syaoran. They are walking close to me as if I might collapse any moment. I almost hate them for it. They come to catch me after I have fallen so far.

I sigh and shift my school bag from one hand to the other. I feel Syaoran make a reach for my hand but I brush him away. I look away from him but I can feel his hurt radiating silently.

My heart feels torn. I want to touch him so badly, to have him hold me till the hurt goes away, but I'm afraid that if I touch him I going to taint him.

Taint him with the fear that wasn't there just a few days ago. Taint him with the nightmares that never leave. I love him so much, but I can't let my impurities bring him down.

I pull away even further than before.

That night as I lay in my bed, I considered waking up Kero for company. Then this bed that still had the stench of sex wouldn't be so toxic and the darkness wouldn't be so scary.

I hear a car drive past our house and see the light pass my window. Because of our fence the walls looks like a jail cell. A jail cell with no way to escape. It's like I'm trapped.

The lights are so bright though…

Why can't I be?