New World, Same Idiots
By Artikgato
Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist is not mine. The creator would probably be scared at what I do with the characters.
Author's Notes: The FMA characters, with the exact same personalities, fashion sense, bodies, and powers. They're just kinda in the "real world" now. In other words, the 21st century. Hee hee heeeeeeeeee.
Oh yeah, and as usual, any yaoi/shonen-ai in this fic, even if it's just implied, is purely for fun. I may or may not support the couples.
Oh yes, and beware out-of-characterness. Especially with Envy. It's not that it's difficult to write in-character Envy, it's just so much more fun to have him OOC. Besides, he's such a lunatic that he might actually act like this, to confuse/piss off people. And stuff.
Once again, I'd like to think my partner in crime, Kat, for this. The original concept was of Envy teaching Ed to drive, but I just couldn't pass up the chance to include Roy and Hawkeye in all this…
Chapter Two: Driving Roy Crazy
It was a perfectly normal day at Central HQ. So perfect was the normalness, that Roy Mustang just simply had to reflect upon it to his dear lieutenant.
"Hawkeye, isn't this day so perfectly normal?" Roy asked.
"Whatever you say, Sir," Hawkeye replied, raising an eyebrow in skepticism.
At that point, a certain blonde-haired, automail-bearing state alchemist decided to shatter the perfect wonderful normalness by entering the room.
"Mustang!" Ed exclaimed, stalking up to the desk behind which the Flame Alchemist, supreme master of Coolness, sat.
"Oh hello there, Ed. What brings you here today?" Roy asked, sipping some coffee.
"I...need a favor," Ed asked. Roy was intrigued. What sort of 'favor' was it that this adorable little Fullmetal Alchemist would be asking him for?
"Even though it goes against my better judgements...go on," the colonel replied.
"I...need you to teach me how to drive," Ed requested, glaring down at the desk in shame.
"Oho! That's right, you ARE the age to be learning to drive, aren't you? Too bad you aren't the right HEIGHT," Roy replied.
Ed twitched.
"DON'T CALL ME-" he started, with veins popping out of his forehead, but Roy held up a hand.
"I will teach you to drive, by my one condition is that you cannot injure me or my vehicle in any way, shape or form...and also, you have to let me call you 'shorty', 'shrimp', and 'chibi' in public with no complaints. Deal?" Roy asked. Ed continued to twitch, but finally relented.
"Fine," Ed grumbled. Roy smiled widely.
"It's settled then! Get your little brother and meet me in the parking lot in ten minutes!" Roy commanded.
"Why do you want me to get Al?" Ed asked.
"Because I'd like to kill two birds with one stone," Roy replied. And because it's more fun that way, he added silently. Ed shrugged and walked out of the room. Mustang began rummaging around his table, pulling out a set of keys, a first-aid kit, and many other things. Hawkeye approached him.
"Um, colonel?" she asked.
"Yes, Hawkeye? What is it?" he asked, fishing around in a drawer for some batteries.
"This seems like something awfully dangerous...so I would like to go with you," she finished. Roy looked up at her, confused.
"Why would you want to come WITH us?" the flame alchemist asked.
"Because I am a better driver than you, for one thing," she answered him, flatly. He died a little inside, but maintained a straight face.
"Okay then," he agreed. He picked up the many objects he had gotten out of his desk, picked up the set of keys, and walked out of the room, with Hawkeye in toe.
They arrived at the parking lot a few minutes later, and Roy walked up to a shiny, sparkly, blue Mustang. Hawkeye sweatdropped.
"So you...drive a Mustang?" she asked.
"A blue one!" Roy answered, cheerfully as he unlocked the car and put down the convertible top, so that Al could actually sit in it.
A few minutes later, the Elric boys arrived.
"You drive a Mustang?" they both asked at the same time, staring at him incredulously.
"Why is that such a hard concept to grasp? Yes, yes, okay!" Roy demanded, shoving Ed into the driver's seat and Al into the back seat. He took his place in the front passenger seat, and Hawkeye climbed into the back with Al.
"Okay now Ed," Roy started, in a 'parental' tone, "You take the keys and put them into that slot right there -it's called the ignition- and you start the c-"
"I KNOW HOW TO START THE STUPID CAR!" Ed shrieked, and proved his point by starting the Mustang up. Immediately, the radio turned on and began blaring polka music into the surrounding area. Roy frantically turned the radio off, blush gathering on his cheeks.
"Er...damn radio stations, always changing all the time! That used to be a ROCK station, I PROMISE," he covered. Nobody believed him, but nobody said a thing when he threatened to blow them all up.
Ed shifted the car into reverse and started backing out of the parking spot.
"Hey shorty, you look like you know what you're doing! Why do you need me to teach you?" Roy asked.
"Well...the thing is, I-" Ed started, but was cut off at the sound of a very loud CRUNCH.
"You...hit Armstrong's car," Hawkeye said, surprised. Ed quickly shifted the car into drive and got away from Armstrong's car, only to not pay attention to where he was going and hit another car.
"And you hit King Bradley's car!" Hawkeye added. Roy was practically boiling with rage, but Ed was too panicked to notice.
"Argh! See, this is why I needed you to TEACH me!" Ed screamed at Roy.
"Oh THAT'S IT you little BRAT!" Roy exclaimed, raising one gloved hand and getting ready to snap...literally and metaphorically.
"Wait colonel! You'll blow us up too! AND your car!" Hawkeye exclaimed. Roy sighed and sat back down.
Ed jumped out of the car and ran to Armstrong's car...or rather, HUMMER, and quickly used alchemy to make it as good as new.
"Well, that's handy," Hawkeye said.
"Big brother, you really shouldn't be using alchemy to-" Al started, but Ed zoomed past him, slapping his hands together to fix the Fuhrer's car.
"It's for a good cause! Namely, THEM NOT KILLING ME!" Ed exclaimed as he started on Roy's Mustang.
"But..." Al trailed off, sighing. Ed calmly got back into the driver's seat and shifted the car back into drive. With Roy's guidance, he got out of the Central HQ parking lot without causing any more collateral damage.
They also made it all the way through downtown Central and onto the Freeway without causing any collateral damage.
"Um, Ed, the speed limit is 65," Al said.
"So?" Ed asked, punching the gas a little more.
"YOU'RE DOING NINETY! SLOW DOWN YOU SHRIMP!" Roy yelled, and Ed begrudgingly obliged. As the car slowed down, another pulled up beside them...a dark green convertible, in fact. And in the driver's seat was...
"Hi there little brother! I didn't know you could drive!" Envy exclaimed, waving at the four bewildered passengers of Roy's Mustang as he sped by, laughing maniacally. Ed glared, and punched the gas, speeding up to catch up the insane homunculus.
"Ed, what are you doing? Slow down!" Roy admonished. Ed was grinning somewhat insanely.
"I'll run that jackass off of the road!" he cackled, speeding up even more to catch up to Envy.
"Ed, SLOW DOWN!" Roy commanded.
"NO!" Ed shrieked.
"Ed, please slow down!" Al pleaded, in fear for his life...well, not really. If they crashed HE would live, but they all would die. Probably. If they didn't kill eachother first.
"Slow down you little shrimp!" Roy exclaimed, trying to grab the wheel. Ed growled and attempted to bite him, and he backed off. Unfortunately, the act of trying to bite Mustang cause the speeding blue Mustang to veer crazily all over the road.
"SLOW DOWN YOU IDIOT!" Hawkeye shouted, pulling out her gun and standing up in the back of the crazily veering Mustang. Ed cackled maniacally and rammed the back of Envy's car with the front of Mustang's Mustang, causing the homunculus's car to run off the road. Hawkeye couldn't take any more, and she shot at Ed, the bullet missing him and instead going into the engine, severing a few important wires, and imbedding itself in the road. With a few key wires and stuff severed, the car shut down completely and eventually came to a complete, tranquil stop.
"Oh...colonel, I'm sorry," Hawkeye apologized, a hand over her mouth.
"Hawkeye..." Roy muttered. She jumped.
"Y-yes?" she asked.
"Take Al and run," he commanded.
"But why, sir?" she inquired.
"Just do it," he said. She shrugged by took Al's huge arm and proceeded to drag him away from the now very very dead car.
"What's this all about? I'll fix the stupid car if you want me to!" Ed exclaimed. Roy just smiled evilly, and began to cackle. Ed got a bad feeling about all this, but reacted too late to do anything.
"It's about THIS you little dwarf!" Mustang exclaimed, jumping out of the car and snapping his fingers simultaneously. The car, and Ed, burst into flames, and Ed was thrown quite a distance away from the car to land in a flaming ball of wreckage.
"Ed!" Al exclaimed, running over to his brother. Roy dusted off his military uniform and went to stand next to Hawkeye.
"That's why I didn't want you to come along," he said. Hawkeye just raised an eyebrow at him.
Meanwhile, with Envy
"Hey baby, can I get a ride?" Greed asked, waggling his eyebrows suggestively. Envy smacked his forehead with one gloved hand.
"Call me baby again and I'll kill you, you sadistic freak," Envy growled in reply.
"What should I call you then? Sweet cheeks? Sugar muffin? Sweet Transvestite?" Greed asked, enjoying every annoyed twitch he got out of Envy.
"I'm beginning to hate you as much as Hoenheim," Envy deadpanned.
End of Chapter Two
Hmm...well, Envy's in character here, and Greed ISN'T. XD