New World, Same Idiots
By Artikgato
Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist is not mine. The creator would probably be scared at what I do with the characters.
Author's Notes: The FMA characters still have all of their normal bodies, powers, personalities, etc, but are in the 'modern' world.
Sorry this took so long to post…but I'm lazy. I kind of wanted a bit more than ten reviews, but as long as I'm bringing some twisted form of joy into the lives of the people, I care not for reviews.
Beware of LOTS of out-of-characterness in this chapter, for at least six of the seven Sins. Ed and Al seem to be the only characters I can consistently keep in character...
And, as always, implied yaoi/shounen-ai is purely for fun. There's more implied Greed/Envy in this chapter, but not very much.
Again, my partner in crime, Kat, is responsible for this. She kept making Ed-like comments while we were running around the mall, and this sprang up out of the weird conversations we got into. This was actually the first scenario we thought of, but I thought the others were funnier in concept and wrote them first. Anyway, enough of my babbling! Here's the chapter, enjoy, and please review! Reviews are my anti-drug. Well, reviews and funny cosplay poses...
Chapter Three: Envy's Day Off
It didn't happen very often. It seemed to Envy that his work was never done. Killing and manipulating people and being a sadistic bastard was a full-time job, you know.
But today was Envy's first day off in a very long time, and he was going to enjoy it.
When Dante had first told him that he was going to have a day off, he began making a list of what he wanted to do on his day off. It looked a little bit something like this:
1. Kill Hoenheim
2. Dance upon his grave.
3. Quality time with little brothers
4. Kill Dante
5. Dance upon HER grave
6. Run away from Greed
It was kind of ironic that even on his day off, all he wanted to do was kill people. And dance upon their graves.
"Hmmm..." Envy hmmed, looking at his list. This just would not do. As much as he would love killing Hoenheim AND Dante in the very same day AND dancing on their graves, that was just way too much work, and Envy wanted to have a relaxing, fun day off.
With a sigh, he crossed off numbers 1, 2, 4 and 5. That left two things: quality time with his little brothers, and running away from Greed. It goes without saying that if he saw Greed, he would definitely run away from him, so that was really a very pointless entry on his quite small list of stuff to do.
So, that left number three: quality time with his little brothers.
An evil cackle could be heard as Envy leapt from his perch in a tree and bounced off in the direction of his little brothers' apartment provided by the military.
Meanwhile, with the brothers Elric
Knock, knock, knock.
"Who is it?" Al asked as he opened the door. He was immediately knocked down by an over-exuberant tackle-bear-hug from a (thankfully) fully clothed Alex Louis Armstrong.
"It is so good to see you, Alphonse! Where is Edward?" Armstrong asked, as he stood up, helping the massive suit of armor to his feet.
"Umm...brother's in the living room, watching TV..." Al trailed off, as Armstrong bounded into the living room and pounced on the unsuspecting Edward.
At that point, Envy decided to walk in the door.
"Oh hello little little brother!" he exclaimed, beaming at the huge suit of armor.
"Uh, hi Envy..." Al replied, sweatdropping.
"ENVY!" shrieked two voices from the living room, one sounding decidedly more choking-to-death than the other.
Ed came barreling into the kitchen at top speed.
"ENVY! Ya gotta help me! Get me away from him!" the blonde exclaimed, pointing back at Armstrong.
"Oh, really? You want my HELP do you!" Envy asked, EVIL flashing into his eyes. Ed 'urk' ed.
"Uhm..." Ed said, looking back at Armstrong, who grinned and flexed. He shuddered and looked back at Envy, who was grinning maniacally.
"Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place...umm, gee Armstrong, I'd love to stick around and chat, but me and Al've gotta go and spend some...quality time... with our older brother here! See ya!" and with that, the Fullmetal Alchemist was gone, dragging along Envy and Al as he ran for the hills.
Unfortunately, those hills were quite a distance away, and he got tired after a little while.
Ed stopped running conveniently in front of a mall. This mall was remarkably mall-like, with very mall-ey features.
Envy jumped up and down excitedly like a schoolgirl on crack. "Let's go shopping, you two! You need new clothes Ed, and Al...you...umm...need a new loincloth!"
Al sniffed. "But I LIKE this loincloth..." he trailed off sadly.
"It's old, and besides, purple is a bad color on you! It's settled then, let's go to the MALL!" Envy exclaimed.
"Hey! Wait a minute!" Ed protested as he and Al were dragged off toward the mall-ish mall by the insane homunculus.
Even though this mall was remarkably mall-like, the instant the three of them entered, they got a very, very bad feeling about this...
...which was quickly put to death by Envy, who ran off, squealing and dragging the two brothers, towards a clothing store.
A Few Minutes Later
"NO!" Ed protested.
"But Ed, it looks so good on you! It's really your color!" Envy countered.
"No means NO dammit!" Ed replied, crossing his arms and looking away from the monstrosity that Envy was trying to hand him.
"But you'd be so CUTE!" Envy tried again. Ed glared.
"I don't even like milk. Why in the world would I want to put on a GIANT COW SUIT!" Ed demanded.
"Well, you could try the horse suit! Or the bunny rabbit suit!" Envy suggested.
"NO! I thought you wanted to get us new clothes!" Ed exclaimed.
"I do!" Envy replied.
"There's nothing practical about a COW SUIT! I like my clothes JUST FINE thank you!" Ed shouted, and stormed out of the store.
"Wait, little brother!" Envy called and chased after them. A few seconds later, Al ran in, carrying an armful of loincloths.
"Hey, big brother, Envy! Which color do you think looks better on me! Ummm...guys?" he asked, looking around to notice they are gone.
Ed, realizing that Envy was following him, ran as fast as he could towards the food court. Besides...he wanted a scone. Mmmm, yummy.
However, when both Ed and Envy arrived there, they stopped in shock at the sight before them.
"Gluttony, you're not supposed to eat the tables, you know," commented Lust, who was sitting on one of the few remaining tables, sipping a strawberry milkshake.
"But Lust! They're GOOD!" Gluttony whined.
"What should we do?" Ed whispered loudly at Envy.
"Just back away slowly...they might not see us," Envy replied. They backed away and once they were a suitable distance, they ran away for their lives.
They came to rest on a bench, near a merry-go-round.
"It doesn't look like they followed us," Ed said.
"Good. I'd prefer not to get involved in...that," Envy replied.
"Why are they HERE, I wonder?" Ed asked. Before Envy could reply to that, a loud, shrill, and strangely familiar cry of "WHEEEE!" interrupted them.
They turned to see the merry-go-round was currently working, and an overly enthusiastic Wrath was sitting on one of the wooden ponies, having the time of his life. A half-bored looking Sloth sat on one of the horses behind him. She smiled and waved at Envy and Ed, as they stared at the two, bewildered.
"Let's just...run away," Ed said.
"Right," Envy agreed, and they took off in another direction.
Meanwhile, with Al...
Al walked out of the clothing store, a fresh new blue loincloth in the place of his old one.
"Where should I go next? I should try to look for big brother and Envy, shouldn't I?" he asked. He looked around, and spotted his one weakness: kittens. There was a literal mob of kittens in the window of a nearby pet store. Forgetting completely about his two older brothers, he dashed off into the pet store to cuddle the kittens.
Back with Envy and Ed...
"Why in the world are all these Homunculi running around this mall?" Ed asked.
"I have no idea! Curse them, they all got today off too didn't they! This was supposed to be MY DAY OFF! MIIINNNNEEEEEE!" Envy screamed.
"Are you okay?" Ed asked. Envy panted.
"I will be. Let's just...I don't know...go somewhere where no sane Homunculus would go," Envy said. Ed pointed at a bright pink door frame with rainbows and sparkles.
"How about the toy store?" he suggested.
"I like the way you think, little brother!" Envy exclaimed, and with that he linked arms with a less-than-enthusiastic Ed and skipped (dragging Ed) into the toy store.
Unfortunately, luck just was not on their side today.
As they rounded the corner to another isle, the "Sanrio" isle, they came nearly face-to-face-to-face with the one and only Fuhrer Bradley, aka Pride.
"F-f-fuhrer Bradley!" Ed stuttered.
"Pride!" Envy demanded.
"Oh hello boys! What brings you here to this toy store?" he asked, his arms full of bright pink, blindingly cute, Hello Kitty stationary pads. Ed merely squeaked in response, but Envy was not nearly as shocked as his younger brother was.
"I could ask the same of you Pride...or should I say Fuhrer?" Envy asked.
"Me? I'm buying stationary for all my subordinates!" the eyepatched man said, smiling broadly.
Two days later, in Central...
Roy Mustang's left eyebrow was twitching furiously as he beheld the 'gift' the Fuhrer had presented him. It was...pink. And more pink. And cutesy. He refused to even so much as touch this, let alone write his reports on it. The twitching stopped as he closed his eyes and calmly lit the stationary on fire with a snap of his fingers.
Nearby, Risa Hawkeye was having a very similar reaction to her own stationary, except she had chosen to put a bullet through it.
Maes Hughes, however, was having a reaction quite opposite to theirs.
"Isn't this so ADORABLE! Oh my gosh, I just have to give this to Elisa! Can I have yours? REALLY! Oh, yours too! And yours! You're all such generous people! My cute little daughter will be so HAPPY! Wanna see pictures of her and my wife? Huh? Huhuhuhuhuh?"
Armstrong's reaction, while along the same lines as Hughes's, wasn't quite as...severe.
"AWWWW! It's so CUTE!" he exclaimed, cuddling the stationary and cooing at it.
And, in the midst of all the chaos, there stood Fuhrer President King Bradley, laughing insanely as he continued to hand out the pink monstrosities.
Back to the present, with Envy and Ed...
"...right," they both said, and turned to walk away. Unfortunately, their escape did not go as planned.
"Wait you two! Want to ride the train with me?" Bradley asked, as he clamped a hand onto both boys' shoulders.
"Ummm...not really," Envy replied. Ed was still too busy squeaking to be coherent.
"Oh well! Suit yourselves!" Bradley exclaimed and released their shoulders, prancing off and sitting on one of the very small train cars.
"CHOOCHOO!" he shouted as the train moved forward at an agonizingly slow pace. Ed and Envy both sweatdropped.
"What is this, the mall of out-of-characterness?" Envy asked. Ed smacked himself on the forehead with his human hand.
"I can't believe that the Fuhrer is riding a kid's train..." Ed trailed off.
"CHOO CHOO!" Bradley screamed again. Ed and Envy just got out of the toy store as quickly and efficiently as possible.
"So, all the Homunculi but Greed are here," Ed said. Envy stiffened and glared at him.
"Shhh! You'll jinx it!" Envy exclaimed.
"Jinx what?" Ed asked, oblivious. Envy remained silent, looking around him, paranoid. When Greed didn't jump out of the shadows and try to tackle-glomp him, he sighed in relief.
"Nothing. Let's go find your tin can of a brother and get the hell out of here, shorty," Envy said. Ed fumed.
"I AM NOT THAT SHORT!" he protested. Envy bomped him on the head with a fist as they passed by a glass display case full of mannequins. Ed rubbed his head where Envy had bomped him, glaring at the Homunculus. A thought suddenly struck him.
"Hey Envy, does it feel like we're being watched?" he asked.
"Yes...yes it does," Envy replied, peering at the mannequins suspiciously. Hmm. There were seven in all, all badly dressed, most in horribly stiff poses, one was squished against the glass, grinning maniacally at Envy...wait...
"Greed!" Envy shrieked, as the other homunculus jumped out of the display window, shattering the glass.
"Hello Envy," Greed said, an evil grin on his face showing off his sharp teeth.
"Time for number six...it's been fun, Ed!" Envy said, and with that he ran away screaming, followed by Greed. Ed just sweatdropped.
"Ed! There you are!" came a voice from behind him. He turned around to see Al running up to him.
"Al! Where were you at?" Ed asked.
"Ummm...looking for you!" Al replied. Before anyone could say anything else, there was a quiet 'meow' from inside of Al's armor. Ed glared.
"You have a cat, don't you Al!" Ed accused.
"But they were so cute!" Al protested.
"They!" Ed exclaimed. Al opened his chest plate, to reveal five cute kittens inside.
"I'm sorry Ed, but I couldn't help it!" Al pleaded.
"You have to take them back," Ed said.
"But if we keep them, they can drink your milk for you!" Al said. Ed suddenly grinned.
"You don't say so?" he asked, and with that the two Elric brothers, and five kittens, left the mall of mallish-ness.
And somewhere in the distance, they heard a fading cry of "GET AWAY FROM ME YOU SICK FREAK!"
End Chapter 3
YES, it is the mall of OOCness. Mwuahaha.
No disrespect meant to Sanrio/Hello Kitty. While I hold firm belief that Hello Kitty is an agent of Satan, I know that others do not.