I should have known it would never work out. It's not that I don't try… I've never had much reason to trust other people, those who I want to be close to. But still, when Claire gave me her earring, I was hopeful.
I dreamed of the kiss we shared, of her eyes on mine. I dreamed of being accepted, by others and myself. I dreamed of sharing. I've always been trying to fill the holes in my life, to take away the hurt. Drugs, alcohol, sex… they would take me away from my pain for a while… and then back down, down in a spiral, trapped in this life of misery. I thought maybe this was the turning point, that she could help me. Maybe I could help her too.
But come Monday, it was just the same. Claire stuck in her world, and me in mine. I guess she was right… I am a hypocrite. I told myself I could do it, that I could forget what my friends said and accept her, but it didn't happen.
I'll never forget the pained expression, the sorrowful glance she gave me as I brushed past her in the hall. I looked over my shoulder to meet her eyes, but by then she had turned and continued walking. My heart ached.
I guess I just can't remember how to show love anymore. When you've been told all your life that you're a screw up, that you're worthless, that no one cares, you start to believe it. As you might have guessed, there was never much love in my home, so I've never had much love to give, as much as I might like to.
Will things go on as they used to? Perhaps. Yet I feel I can't quite get past it, I can't quite forget what happened, I can't quite get her out of my head… I can't forget what might have been.