I did it! I finally finished this story/pant pant/ It took over a month - partly because work was kicking my ass, but mostly because it just demanded so much more detail and depth than I'd originally planned. Who am I to argue with the muse?

Title: Nexus
Author: Akuni
Genre: Drama/Romance
Rating: M for 'Much Smut'
Pairing: Renji/Ichigo
Spoilers: read through Soul Society & Arrancar Arcs
Word Count(total): 20,500 (omfg!)
Word Count(chapter): 3500

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, I'm just borrowing it for a while.
Distribution: Also posted to my LJ & comms. Please ask if you want to share it :)

Dedication: To all fellow Renji/Ichigo fangirls/guys out there. We know it's impossible, we know it's silly, and we know it's damned hot!

A/N: My Bleach OTP is RenRuki, but I'm hooked on fandom Renji/Ichigo (ya ya I say this for each story, so what! ) After much blushing and chickening out (and wine), I managed to write the smut. Go me! Why is it so much harder to write than to read? Although come to think of it, the first time I read RenjixIchigo smut I did so peering between my fingers as I covered my eyes, and I'm pretty sure all the blood in my body was in my face - that might explain the swooning.

Chapter 2 - Adaptation

"Where the hell is Ichigo? It ain't like him t' be this late." Renji grumbled for the third time.

"You managed to get here on time – early, even. How is it that you are here and he is not?" The older shinigami's lackadaisical tone was still as irritating as ever.

"He had a rough night, so I left early this mornin'."

Urahara fluttered his fan in front of his face. "Ohh?" he sing-songed.

"Nightmares." Renji clarified. "Same 's we all got." His tone was flat, matter-of-fact. He didn't feel like going into detail; he and Ichigo had shared many of the same experiences during the war, and Renji could easily identify the events that fuelled the pain from Ichigo's agonized mumblings. They were the same ones that featured prominently in his own hellish dreams.

"Ah. So we do." This time Urahara's voice was uncharacteristically soft and sober. They sat quietly for a moment, accepting and acknowledging their individual memories before putting them back in the past where they belonged.

"Still, it's been an awfully long time…" Urahara mused.

Renji's frown deepened. "Ya don't suppose there's trouble?" He didn't sense anything, but they'd discovered the hard way that shinigami weren't the only ones who'd learned how to disguise their spiritual presence. And with the way Ichigo's energy had been fluctuating lately…

"Gonna track him down. Be back soon; please tell Tessai we're sorry, an' thanks." Renji tossed a wave behind him as he left the shop and headed for home.

As he drew nearer to the flat, Renji was relieved to feel Ichigo's presence. Ichigo had gotten much better controlling and concealing his reiatsu, but familiarity made it easier to hone in. There was no indication of danger, but as he closed in Renji detected an unusual level of disquiet and a heightened sense of… something that he couldn't quite place in the other man's energy.

Somethin' musta really rattled him last night – it ain't been this bad since I got here. Ichigo wouldn't be the first or last survivor to suffer from the after effects of the conflict in Soul Society, but formally trained shinigami with decades – or centuries – of experience were usually better equipped to deal with the aftermath. Renji wanted to help his friend figure out how to handle the fallout, if he could; that was one of the other reasons why he had volunteered for this mission, reasons he hadn't told Ichigo. But he didn't want to embarrass Ichigo if he wasn't ready to get into it just yet. Renji concentrated a moment, making sure he wasn't leaking any reiatsu himself before he stepped lightly to the window ledge. He'd just take a quick look to check things out before deciding whether to intrude.

Opening the window from the outside was a simple matter; Ichigo had stopped latching his windows after the second time a shinigami visitor defeated the locked window by simply kicking it in. Renji grinned at the memory of Ichigo staring in shock at Ikkaku standing amid the rubble of the ruined window frame and shards of glass that littered his room. He stepped through the opening a little more carefully.

Renji heard the water splashing in the shower through the half-opened door to the bathroom. Up close, he sensed Ichigo's energy much more clearly – it pulsed unsteadily with the unease Renji had sensed before, pushing everything off-balance. Now and then there was a spike of that previously indefinable quality, one which Renji could now identify immediately at close range. He fought down a smirk as he wondered what on earth could have Ichigo so wound up in two such different directions. Whatever was going on in Ichigo's mind, this was obviously not the time to discuss it.

Renji turned to leave when a loud gasp from the direction of the shower sent a tingle through his body and stopped him in his tracks. He felt the blood rushing to his face, and wondered why he was blushing. Normal guys did that sort of thing all the time, and Ichigo was a normal guy – he was a normal guy. He'd just never been privy to anyone else's 'normal guy' activities before.

The sound of the water stopped with a sudden bang that made Renji jump. I gotta clear off before he comes out here and finds me; that'd be too embarrassin' for both of—

"Damn you, Renji!" Ichigo's growl was startling, his voice thick and raw.

What the hell! I know he didn't sense me, what the fuck was that abo… oh crap I gotta get outta here right now! Renji leaped silently out of the window and sped across town back toward Urahara's. His thoughts were a whirlwind of questions and answers he wasn't sure he knew what to do with.

As he flashed over the rooftops, Renji forced his mind to stop spinning aimlessly and focus on just what the hell he'd walked in on. Well he knew damned well what he'd walked in on, that was obvious – but that part wasn't a problem. What Renji couldn't figure out was why Ichigo was so much farther off-balance all of a sudden – and why the fuck his name had come up at that particular moment.

Ok, look at things logically. There's all kinds a' things goin' on here, an' they don't all gotta be related. The most obvious answer is that Ichigo's pissed 'cause he's got no privacy. I did kinda take over his space. But that ain't really like him, either. If he wanted me gone he woulda just told me t' get lost.

That sparked another train of thought that Renji wasn't sure how to interpret. He was still puzzling things over when he arrived back at the Urahara Shouten. He stood outside, leaning against the wall as he continued his internal monologue.

So if he ain't pissed at me, then maybe it was just a coincidence. Renji snorted aloud at this. Ok so that's out, too. What if… Renji struggled to organize his thoughts. Ok so what if that's what it is? So what if he's… if he likes guys? Nothin' wrong with that – even the slowest shinigami figures that out after the first century, an' some a' those even wind up at least curious as the years go by. Don't hafta mean anything, anyway. Not like it's gotta be meaningful every time a guy fantasizes 'bout somethin'. And it'd be a kinda compliment, really. Can't deny he's a helluva good guy, and ya can't help noticin' he's pretty damn hot…

Before Renji could process that last unexpected thought, he was startled by a pulse of familiar reiatsu at his side. Damn, he got here fast… how'd I miss that? He looked over at the orange-haired man suddenly standing nearby, and lost his train of thought.

Ichigo looked terrible. He had dark circles under his eyes, and his jaw was tightly clenched.

Looks like I gotta have that talk with him sooner rather than later. Shoulda known this was comin', after last night. His energy's too tight – he's lockin' it down but only barely.

"Sorry, I—" Ichigo began.

Renji cut him off. "Don't need t' hear it. Heard enough last night." He looked away for a moment as a faint flush stained Ichigo's face. "When ya feel like talkin' about it, ya know there's a few folks 'round here who'd understand."

"I… it's nothin'. Don't worry about it, it won't happen again." Ichigo's voice was strained.

"It ain't nothin', it's serious. And ya know damned well it will happen again." Ichigo stiffened and opened his mouth to argue, but Renji continued right on. "You ever stop t' think that maybe shinigami woulda learned a bit about dealin' with this sorta thing?" Ichigo twitched.

Renji met Ichigo's eyes then, and held them with his own. "I didn't tell ya before, but part of why I decided t' come here myself is 'cause I thought ya might be havin' trouble. Didn't figure anyone woulda thought about how you guys were gonna cope. Especially you. Don't try t' deny you're havin' nightmares 'bout Soul Society."

Ichigo blinked finally. "Oh. Well… yeah, but that's just part of survivin' a war."

Renji nodded. "Ya it is, but ya don't gotta just suffer forever yanno." He shook his head, exasperated. "I knew no one woulda figured this out." he muttered.

"Figured what out? And why especially me?" Oddly, Ichigo sounded calmer now.

"When ya live as long as shinigami do, ya need t' learn a few things about life an' death." Renji explained. "Like how t' deal with it, over and over. 'Forever' 's too long a time t' suffer." He watched Ichigo's face carefully to see if this was penetrating. "I figured you'd be the one to have the most trouble, 'cause ya don't have anyone t' lean on. The others would understand – Sado, an' Inoue, an' Ishida – but you're not the type to bring it up so they'd leave ya alone. 'Cept maybe Chad, but he talks even less than you do 'bout this stuff."

Ichigo looked thoughtful. "So, you're sayin' there's a way…? That you can show me how to…" He waved a hand in the air as he searched for the right word.

"Ya, I'm sayin' ya don't gotta have nightmares that bad for the rest a' your life. I can help ya… teach ya some a' what we learn as shinigami." Renji smiled then, and punched Ichigo's shoulder lightly. "We'll fix those dreams for ya." To his surprise, Ichigo flushed again before muttering his thanks, and turning and heading into the shop.

Renji followed, bemused. Huh, who knew the guy'd be so embarrassed 'bout havin' nightmares? He needs t' figure out no one has t' do it all alone. That's what friends are for.

Training had never been so stressful. Ichigo had just managed to wrench his mind away from… things… when Renji had pulled the topic of dreams right back into focus. He thought his blood had frozen in his veins from the chill that washed over him, until he realized that Renji was talking about the terrible nightmares he'd had. Relief lasted only a second, however – if Renji had picked up on the nightmares, then maybe his other dreams… Ichigo shoved that thought away firmly and tried to focus on the exercise.

Which was another problem. No matter what they worked on, it always seemed to involve a lot of grappling at close quarters. Normally this wasn't an issue, but today Ichigo found himself noticing each touch. His skin tingled, remembering several dream-hours spent entwined in each others' arms.

Stop thinking about that, dammit! He fumed silently, furious with himself for letting some crazy dreams get to him so much.

Ichigo got angrier as the morning progressed. His moves became sloppy, and Ichigo knew he was scowling blackly but he couldn't stop. Renji just looked sympathetic as he dodged another of Ichigo's poorly-timed swings, no doubt thinking he would just let Ichigo work out his frustration. This made Ichigo even angrier – Renji didn't deserve to have Ichigo's foul mood ruin his training.

Ichigo's temper built to an intolerable level. "Ahhh! Getsuga tenshou!" He launched the wicked attack against an inoffensive pile of rock off to the side. The rock shattered with a deafening crack, sending dust and debris flying everywhere. Ichigo was pelted with sharp shards of rock as he stood coughing in the dust cloud, the edge of his rage dwindling as embarrassment rose up.

"Renji, I… that was stupid, I'm sorry." Ichigo waved his hand in front of his face, peering toward where his friend had been standing. "Renji?"

The dust settled, and the bottom dropped out of Ichigo's stomach as he saw the figure lying prone in the dirt. "Shit!" Ichigo went pale as he knelt next to the motionless shinigami. There was blood running down the side of Renji's head, but thankfully he was still breathing. Ichigo tore the sleeves off his uniform and pressed the material gently against the bloody gash buried in the bright red hair. Cautiously, Ichigo tried to wake the other man.

"Oww…"

Ichigo breathed a sigh of relief as Renji opened his eyes. For a minute there…

"… the hell was that?" Renji groaned.

"I… I lost my temper and, uh, demolished a few boulders." Ichigo rubbed his neck sheepishly. "Sorry."

"'S'ok. I shoulda dodged." Renji managed a weak grin as Ichigo helped him to his feet and steered him toward the healing hot spring. "Think I'm done for today though." Ichigo nodded – it was clear the blow to the head had scrambled Renji's coordination from the way he staggered and leaned on Ichigo for support.

Ichigo lowered Renji to the ground next to the pool, and turned away to shed the rest of his uniform and slip into the water. It quickly became obvious, however, that Renji was currently incapable of the dexterity required to undress and maintain pressure on his wound.

Ichigo set his jaw. He's your friend, and this is your fault dammit, so focus on what's goin' on right now and get your own shit sorted out later! Ichigo smoothed his face and waded across to the ledge where Renji struggled with his sash and makeshift bandage.

"Here, lemme get that." Ichigo ignored the jolt of nervous energy that shot into his gut as he pulled Renji's left hand off the knotted sash and placed it on the bandage with his right.

"Thanks… I don't think I can untie that one-handed." Renji closed his eyes.

"Hey none of that… stay awake 'til I get you in here." Ichigo didn't know if shinigami could suffer concussion, but he wasn't going to take any chances. "Just keep the pressure on, I don't want you bleedin' to death. How pathetic would that be? They'd be tellin' that story at the academy for the next hundred years." Ichigo joked feebly as he untied Renji's sash. "You survived serving under Kenpachi, you survived Ichimaru and his damned Shinsou, and you survived the whole war with Aizen – only to bleed to death in the living world ten centimetres from a healing spring."

Luckily, Renji found the joke amusing in his dazed state and didn't notice the tremor in Ichigo's hands as they pushed the uniform down off Renji's shoulders. By sheer force of will Ichigo managed to force his turbulent thoughts aside and focus solely on the task of helping the injured man slip out of his clothes and into the water.

Renji mumbled his thanks as Ichigo propped him up before settling down a few feet away. He still looked a little woozy, and Ichigo kept a close eye on him as he dipped the torn material into the water and winced as he raised it to the cut on his head.

"You… you need a little help?" Ichigo was startled at the words that tumbled out of his mouth, but the guilt and concern he felt temporarily overrode his previous anxiety.

"Yeah, if you could just... untie…" Renji fumbled with the knot on his hair band. "Dammit…"

Ichigo reached over and loosened the knot. The colour that poured over Ichigo's hands was a garish blend of bright red hair and the deep crimson blood that stained it. Bits of stone and dust stuck to the blood-soaked strands, and Ichigo felt even guiltier. He took his torn sleeves out of Renji's hands.

"Huh?" Renji's voice was a bit weaker, but still clear of any slurring.

"Just lemme… sit still. It's my fault." Ichigo poured a handful of water over the angry wound. It began closing immediately, soon to be merely another memory like so many others they'd treated in this very pool. "You should drink some, too, in case there's a… a bruise on your brain or somethin'. Can souls even get brain damage?" he asked.

Renji's shoulders twitched as he gave a tired chuckle. "Hehe… a soul bruise. You bruised my soul, Ichigo. That's a good one. Gotta remember t' tell the guys…"

"Shut up and drink the water." Ichigo poured another handful of water over the shinigami's head as Renji obediently drank. It dripped down pink and muddy, swirling away in the gentle current. He cleansed the wound several times before it closed completely, making sure there were no bits of rock or dust left to be sealed into the skin.

I know he won't hold it against me, but I still feel like crap. My stupid mistake, all 'cause I couldn't handle somethin' like an adult. I coulda killed one of my best friends. Isn't that more important than freakin' out 'cause I noticed he's got looks?

Ichigo worked his fingers through the matted hair, rinsing away the blood and debris. He marvelled at how soft it was, drifting across his hands as the water swished about them. Why does he keep his hair so long, anyway? Doesn't it get in the way? Ichigo raked his fingers down its length, trying to remove the knots and tangles he'd inadvertently caused while trying to remove the debris from the newly-healed wound.

Not often you see such an outrageous colour – heh, kinda fits him though. Ichigo continued his tactile investigation of the vibrant strands, now well and truly cleaned of any remaining evidence of the earlier mishap.

Ichigo didn't notice the time passing until Renji sighed contentedly. Ichigo froze, and the crimson strands floated out of his grasp.

"I… er, are you OK now?" Ichigo found his voice and fought to keep it neutral. What was I doing!

"Yeah," Renji turned and gave him a grin. "Sorry 'bout spacin' out on ya like that. It's just, ah…" He coloured slightly. "I kinda got a thing 'bout people playin' with my hair. It's relaxin'."

"I just wanted to make sure… the rocks, yanno? Sorry I didn't mean to…" Ichigo had no idea what he wanted to say, so he settled for drifting to the other side of the pool and immersing himself up to the neck.

Renji waved a hand at him. "Stop apologizin' already. I told ya, I shoulda been quicker. I knew you were in a bad place an' I expected somethin' ta happen, but I just wasn't quick enough. You're gettin' better at controllin' your energy in a fight – I didn't sense you were gonna let loose like that 'til it was too late."

"'Sides, it's kinda nice sittin' here. I'd sit still for hours with someone fussin' with my hair. Used ta let Rukia do all kinds a' weird girly shit – don't ya dare tell anyone." He grinned again and ducked his head under the water, slicking his hair back out of his face before lifting himself out of the pool.

Ichigo turned his head politely – through the corner of his eye he saw Renji getting dressed; he caught a glimpse of water running down the shinigami's lean frame, the play of powerful muscles under smooth skin, and… Ichigo slammed his eyes shut before they rolled out of his head. No way. No fucking way! I did not just see what I think I saw. But I did. He's… but why?

"Ya done here?"

Ichigo ignored the tightening in his own groin and cracked one eye open. Grow up and get over it, Ichigo. "Nah I need a few minutes to think, I'll catch up with you at home later."

Renji looked at him a moment before nodding. "Remember what I said earlier. We should talk about how ya need t' go about dealin' with the past. It ain't hard, and it's important." Renji vanished up the ladder, leaving Ichigo alone with a whole new set of thoughts and images to ponder.

I know what I saw. Something got him going. Ichigo thought hard. He talked about Rukia… could that be it? Ichigo dismissed the idea. They shared a powerful sibling bond, but that seemed to be as far as it went.

Then what the hell was that all about?

Omake
Ch 2 omake

Renji: Ya threw a rock at me! What the hell?

Akuni: I'm SORRY/wails/ But if Ichigo's going to stop being angry and angsty, he's got to see you in all your sexiness again! You know he will keep fighting his feelings if I don't keep throwing you in his face!

Renji: Hmph... well ok, but damn did ya hafta throw it so hard? There's gonna be a scar...

Akuni: Scars are sexy. Trust me on this. Ichigo's gonna love it. 'Cept there won't be a scar.

Renji: Hm... if ya say so. Say, when're ya comin' t' visit us again, anyway? Last time was a lotta fun...

Akuni/hsst/ Not here! ...