I did it! I finally finished this story/pant pant/ It took over a month - partly because work was kicking my ass, but mostly because it just demanded so much more detail and depth than I'd originally planned. Who am I to argue with the muse?

Title: Nexus
Author: Akuni
Genre: Drama/Romance
Rating: M for 'Much Smut'
Pairing: Renji/Ichigo
Spoilers: read through Soul Society & Arrancar Arcs
Word Count(total): 20,500 (omfg!)
Word Count(chapter): 3300

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, I'm just borrowing it for a while.
Distribution: Also posted to my LJ & comms. Please ask if you want to share it :)

Dedication: To all fellow Renji/Ichigo fangirls/guys out there. We know it's impossible, we know it's silly, and we know it's damned hot!

A/N: My Bleach OTP is RenRuki, but I'm hooked on fandom Renji/Ichigo (ya ya I say this for each story, so what! ) After much blushing and chickening out (and wine), I managed to write the smut. Go me! Why is it so much harder to write than to read? Although come to think of it, the first time I read RenjixIchigo smut I did so peering between my fingers as I covered my eyes, and I'm pretty sure all the blood in my body was in my face - that might explain the swooning.

Chapter 3 - Insight

Renji was grateful for the time alone at the flat. He needed to do some serious thinking. The whole morning had been one bizarre shock after another, and if he didn't process it soon he was going to go crazy.

What the hell was that all about? Renji borrowed Ichigo's best scowl as he threw himself into a chair.

:You weren't complainin'. You enjoyed that.: The voices in his mind supplied.

Well a' course I did, I always liked havin' someone playin' with my hair.

:Uh huh. Right. 'Cause it's only natural to get turned on by something like that.:

OK, fine, I enjoyed it, more than I shoulda.

:And what about that little epiphany this morning? Think about how "pretty damn hot" all your other friends are, do you:

Renji groaned. He was extremely grateful to have such a close relationship with Zabimaru, but there were times when he could wish they were a little less alike. Especially in the mouthing-off department. And with a bond like that it was impossible to hide anything, not that he really needed or wanted to.

But why him? Why now? Renji sighed and ran his hands through the hair still hanging loose about his shoulders. He's the best friend I got, up there with Rukia an' Shuuhei an' the others. But… I think I know what I felt in his energy back there, and I do know damned well what I felt – an' heard – this mornin'. Was that more'n just fantasizin'?

I never figured myself for the guy type before, but I guess I never thought much 'bout it. Not that it matters, as long as ya l—

Renji stood up abruptly and began pacing as best he could in the tiny flat.

Whatever's goin' on it's just gonna hafta stop, 'cause there's no way it's worth riskin' losin' a friend over. This is just a… a physical reaction 'cause there ain't no one else around. I won't ruin things for either of us by complicatin' things. Soon I'll go back t' Soul Society an' we'll still be friends an' that'll be that.

The voices were silent.

Right. He ignored the weight that settled on his chest and firmly pushed away all further thought on the subject.

Ichigo didn't return to the flat until that evening. He spent most of the afternoon visiting his sisters and catching up on their news. Yuzu's happy chatter helped him focus on something other than his growing unease regarding his unsettled feelings. All too soon, however, it was time to return home. He walked very slowly, giving himself time to examine the thoughts tumbling through his mind.

Foremost was guilt. I coulda killed him. I'm just lucky it was Renji and not anyone else – not many others, even shinigami, can take the kind of punishment he does and still walk away in one piece.

Then the guilt was swallowed by… something else Ichigo didn't have a name for and didn't know how to acknowledge. He said he likes havin' his hair fussed with, that's all. Right. 'Cept I don't think it's so great that it'd cause… This time Ichigo couldn't ignore the feeling that welled up in his gut as he remembered the water sliding over firm muscles, dripping off the other man's arousal. He groaned.

Why is this happening to me now? It can't be because… I mean, I like lookin' at girls. I've thought about girls. Except this morning he had been thinking about something very different. Someone. He stopped and forced himself to pull the most difficult problem right into the forefront.

Renji was very much not a girl. There was nothing feminine about him, and it was his very masculine traits that Ichigo found himself considering in such an enticing way. Ichigo couldn't suppress the honest thought that pushed its way to the top.

He liked the way Renji looked. In that way. He couldn't deny that anymore, not with the way his body thrummed at the very memory. Not with the way he'd let himself watch Renji dry off and dress at the hot spring that morning.

But there was more to it than that. Ichigo admired the man's enthusiasm and spirit, and his dedication to his work. Renji was fiercely loyal, and utterly dependable. He was fun, and intelligent, and everything you could want in a companion.

Ichigo held his breath and made himself admit it, if only in the privacy of his mind.

I'm infatuated with my best friend.

He exhaled unsteadily and ran a shaking hand through his hair.

Way to go, moron.

"I'm home." Ichigo announced warily, closing the door behind him.

"Hey." Renji looked up from his notes. "Feelin' better?"

"Shouldn't I be askin' you that?" Ichigo sat on the edge of his bed and leaned back against the wall.

"Nah, I told ya, I'm fine. Good as new."

"Good." Ichigo felt a little less guilty seeing Renji back to his usual energetic self. He knew the shinigami had a quiet side as well, but seeing him weakened and awkward in the healing pool had disturbed Ichigo greatly. Seeing him lying there, it was too much like… He fought down the memory that tried to surface.

"What'd you do all afternoon?"

"Went to see Karin and Yuzu. Why, miss me?" Ichigo tried feebly to keep up their usual banter. If I just keep this to myself, maybe things can just go back to normal and it'll all go away.

Renji paused a moment before grinning back at him. "Hah, you wish. Nice change havin' some peace an' quiet around here without you bangin' around all the time."

They shared a laugh, remembering Ichigo's consternation with Renji's habitual noise level. Ichigo began to relax. This is going to be ok. Nothing has to change.

"How're they doin' anyway? Your sisters?"

"They're fine. They say hello, and invited us to supper again next week. Goat-face'll be there, though." Ichigo rolled his eyes.

"Who cares? Finally some real food!"

"Hey my cooking isn't that bad. But I know it's not as good as Yuzu's." Ichigo pulled a sly expression onto his face. "She's planning all your favourites, you know. She's always had a soft spot for strays, and she practically worshipped you after 'Renji-nii-san' saved her." Ichigo pitched his voice higher in mimicry of Yuzu's excited announcement the day Renji had pulled her and Karin away from a pack of Hollows.

Renji chuckled and rubbed the back of his head. "Ah, she's a sweet kid. The other one's got spunk, too. I'll hafta bring 'em somethin' nice."

He put away his research notes then and turned to Ichigo with a serious expression. "Yanno I told ya earlier that I came here t' help ya figure out how t' handle survivin' the war. You ready ta learn how t' do somethin' about that?"

Ichigo lay staring up at the ceiling, listening to the soft sounds in the night. Really, it was easier than he'd expected. They key is to relax. I need to let the memories come if they will, and don't fight them. Accept them for what they are and honour them – make a place for them in my past, and slowly teach them to live there.

Ichigo ran through the breathing meditation exercises Renji had shown him, willing his heart rate to slow and his limbs to relax. He held on to Renji's earnest advice as the memories inevitably came.

"Ain't no shame in tears. Let 'em come if they want, they'll get the grief outta ya. That's why we have 'em. Your soul knows how t' grieve – when ya try t' fight it, that's when ya start t' have real trouble."

One by one, Ichigo relived the memories that came, and found that it was easier to let them play through than to fight them. It wasn't pleasant, but it wasn't as bad as it could have been. He closed his eyes as the memories slowly faded into their places.

"Look, shinigami!" A cluster of excited children huddling in a doorway caught Ichigo's attention. He nudged his red-haired companion with an elbow.

"What are they doin' here? Shouldn't their families have been evacuated by now?"

Renji stared at them, an unreadable expression on his face. "They ain't got no family. Their home is right here on the street." He dug into a pocket and came up with a small cloth bag, its sides bulging weirdly. "I told ya, this is how it works here in these districts."

Ichigo followed as Renji put on a rare smile and approached the children. He'd obviously identified the ringleader, though they all looked equally ragged and scared to Ichigo.

"Oi, brats, y' got t' git yer ass out. Bad's comin', y' dun ken th' talk?"

Ichigo blinked. Renji's speech was ordinarily rough and lazy unless he really needed to be formal, but Ichigo could barely make out the individual words in the coarse dialect he now spoke.

The leader, a grubby brown-haired boy in a faded blue coat, stepped forward and eyed the red-haired shinigami curiously. He couldn't have been more than ten, but his eyes were hard and wary. "Y' kin?" he asked cautiously.

"78th," Renji replied easily. The kid's eyes widened slightly in surprise – and admiration? – but quickly narrowed again, though this time with slightly less suspicion.

"70th," The kid pointed a finger at his face proudly, then jabbed his thumb at his little crew shivering in the doorway. "68th." He eyed Ichigo, then cocked an eyebrow at Renji in query.

"Live one." A snort of incredulity. Renji just looked at the kid, his expression serious.

"S'true then?" the kid asked finally. Renji nodded.

"Got t' git out?" Renji nodded again. The kid swallowed heavily, and lifted a hand toward his gang. "Can't leave 'em."

"'Course not." Renji growled. To the kid's credit, he only shrank a little. "Git t' th' gate. Shinigami goin' take y' up."

"Truth?"

"Yep." Renji handed the kid the little bag he'd fished out of his robes. "Bit a' treat fer th' run. Help 'em keep up." He gave the kid another rare smile before turning his attention to the other children. "Y' keep up. Y' run an' y' keep runnin' 'til yer safe. Listen t' tha' one, he git y' safe." They nodded fearfully.

The kid looked Renji in the eye, exchanging some wordless salute, then turned and hustled his little crew off down the street. They watched as he led them down an alley, the littlest of them, a tiny girl in a pink dress, clinging to his sleeve.

Renji turned to Ichigo then, and glared. "What?" he demanded.

"What was all that about? I barely understood a word of it."

"They gotta leave. They wouldn't believe the news unless someone they could trust told 'em it was true." Renji looked away, staring off into the distance. "The kid's got potential, but ya just don't leave your crew," he stated fiercely.

They continued walking in silence for a moment before Ichigo asked one final question. "What was in the bag, anyway? Money?" Ichigo wasn't sure what good money would be, but he couldn't imagine what else Renji would have had on hand to give them.

"Candy," Renji replied with a lopsided grin. "Don't get much in the way a' treats down here. I bring a li'l with me whenever I come down. I remember what it's like t' live like that."

Two days later they were called back out to the 68th to combat a wave of fire-breathing Hollows – deliberately released into the slums. The stench was appalling, and they knew the death toll would be high. Two days would not have been enough to evacuate everyone. Shinigami searched for survivors in the rubble, but so far they'd only turned up charred corpses.

Movement in the debris caught Ichigo's eye. "Renji, there's someth—" his breath caught in his throat. He recognized the pattern on the scrap of pink fabric fluttering from under a large section of a collapsed wall…

"Oh hell…" Ichigo lifted the torn wall carefully. His hands shook, but he held the wall steady. His eyes filled, but he could still see the faded blue of the coat under the dust.

"I told 'em to leave, dammit! Why 'n hell were they still here!" Renji kicked a broken door furiously.

Renji knelt as Ichigo continued to clear the debris. "Why were you still here?" he asked, his voice choked. "Why'd y' not git out?"

Ichigo pushed the remaining sections of wall away. He watched silently as Renji carefully laid out the small bodies side by side…

… only it was his own hands gently lifting the dead boy's shoulders, and the boy's hair wasn't brown it was brilliant red, dull with dust and dirt and matted with blood, flowing smoothly over his hands in the water…

Ichigo woke screaming. His eyes flew open as he sat up, sweat-streaked chest heaving as he sucked in great gasps of air. Only then did he realize there were cool hands on his shoulders, shaking him roughly. He blinked a few times before he could make out Renji kneeling next to his bed.

"'S'ok… it's over."

"I tried… I'm sorry..." Ichigo couldn't wipe the images from his mind. He began to shake uncontrollably.

"Hey, ya think you're the only one ever needed a shoulder t' cry on? Ask Shuuhei how many times I woke him up in the night. Then go ask Yumichika how many times senpai leaned on him." Renji's arm around his trembling shoulders was comforting. "None of us has t' do it alone, that's the whole point. Takes time t' get through it all, an' ya need help along the way."

Ichigo's eyes widened at this revelation. "You… really?" He didn't bother trying to hide the tremor in his voice.

Renji's nod was easily visible. "Yep. Cried like a baby." His voice grew softer. "Woke up screamin' for weeks after... after Rukongai."

"How'd you know that's what my nightmare was about?" Ichigo asked. He was still only a hair from the breaking point.

Renji ran his free hand through his tangled hair. "Sounded a lot like mine," he sighed. "Still workin' on gettin' over that one myself. Keep tellin' myself I couldn't a' done anythin', but I keep seein' 'em lyin' there—shit." He broke off with a curse as Ichigo's internal walls collapsed.

Ichigo didn't immediately register the feel of Renji's arms around him, holding him up as the wave of guilt and grief washed over him. So many died, so many slaughtered, and they could do nothing to stop it for so long…

Hot tears splashed down onto a tattooed shoulder. Dimly he sensed Renji extending his reiatsu to contain Ichigo's wildly flaring energy. Ichigo fought to remember what Renji had told him earlier about channelling the pain and grief, but it took several minutes before he could concentrate enough, even with Renji fighting to help restore his balance. Slowly Ichigo got himself back under control. He felt Renji stroking his hair, whispering something unintelligible through Ichigo's hoarse breathing. The tears slowed, and Ichigo ran through the breathing exercises again.

Now that the storm had lessened, Ichigo could feel the cool arms against his overheated skin. He couldn't bring himself to move out of their comforting safety; there was something about the way their energies resonated that told Ichigo his trembling was not solely the result of his emotional outburst.

"I'm sorry… I'm no good at this," Renji was apologizing. "I shoulda asked Shuuhei ta come instead, he's real good at this stuff." He continued stroking Ichigo's hair. It was oddly soothing, and in the back of Ichigo's mind he understood why Renji enjoyed it.

"No… no it's ok." Ichigo finally raised his head and wiped his eyes. "I feel so stupid," he muttered.

"I told ya before, ain't no shame in tears." Renji released him then, and sat back on his futon. "Nothin' I ain't done myself, nothin' I won't do again. Better'n keepin' it all bottled up inside."

Ichigo nodded. He was too exhausted to feel embarrassed anymore, and in any case Renji didn't seem a bit self conscious. He did feel better… tired, but better.

"Um… thanks for… yanno."

"Anytime." Renji's voice was earnest.

Ichigo fell back into sleep, the rest of the night free of nightmares for the first time in weeks.

This left his mind free for a different sort of entertainment altogether.

Ichigo's nightmares lessened immediately. He still sometimes woke in a cold sweat, but he was able to work through it and get back to sleep. However he couldn't do a thing about the other dreams he kept having – dreams that made it clearer with each passing night that his infatuation was growing, not lessening. He managed to keep his feelings tightly under control during the day, but at night he lost himself in his dream-lover's embrace and woke aching with longing.
Renji worried that he'd screwed up. Ichigo was handling the war-trauma a lot better now, but he still seemed to be unsteady internally. Something else was keeping Ichigo off-balance, and Renji was afraid he knew what it was.

The timin' sucks. We worked hard t' become real friends, why'd we hafta go an' do this now? If the friendship didn't mean so much we could just get it out in the open an' deal with it, for however long it lasted. But that ain't worth the risk now we got more t' lose. We just gotta give it time. It'll pass once I leave, and things'll go back t' the way they were.

It didn't help that his own dreams were giving him trouble. Night after night Renji found himself remembering the feel of hot flesh pressed against his own as Ichigo's reiatsu flashed all around him, imagining strong fingers wound in his hair pulling him closer. It was all he could do in the morning to mask his energy and carry on like nothing had changed.

He was afraid he was fighting a losing battle, though. The tension between them grew a little more each day, and Renji didn't have the first clue what he would do when Ichigo inevitably sensed it, too.

Omake
Ch 3 omake

Renji: What's this emo shit? I thought ya wanted Ichigo to be less angry and angsty? Someone pass the woman a fuckin' taco already!

Akuni: Whaddaya mean "emo shit"? Two friends with all kinds of baggage find themselves lusting after each other, and they're just supposed to be cool with it? Not to mention they're both guys and hadn't expected to have the hots for another guy?

Renji: Why can't we just get t' the sex already?

Akuni: …

Renji: What? Everyone knows that's where you're goin' with this.

Akuni: Well yeah, it's a fanfic, duh? Doesn't mean there can't be a good plot attached to it, yanno.

Renji; eyeroll Whatever. Ya just can't wait to get me naked, can ya?

Akuni: You know the fic's not done yet, and I have plenty of sharp rocks left.

Ichigo: Oi, play nice you two. Renji lighten up, she's doin' her best – she had me blubberin' like a girl but you don't see me complainin'. And you, put down the rock; think about how hard it'd be to finish this story with him bleedin' everywhere again.

Renji: Hmph!

Akuni: Spoilsport.

Renji: Yanno ya could chuck the rock at him…

Akuni: Hmm…

ChibiIchigo: Eep!