Yet another installment for ya. This one is a portrait painted with hues of regret. .
ch4 Nick
The most excrutiating heartbreak is the one you bring on yourself. I should know. For the last ten years I've been living with the consequences of my own actions. The most painful part has been lying in my lonely bed night after night wrapped in her absence and in the knowledge that she would be here in my life and in my arms if I hadn't broken HER heart.
I met Lori Turner in March of 1993. I'd just started working at the Dallas Crime Lab, and she was the DNA tech on night shift. We hit it off immediately, and soon we were having lunch together nearly every night. She was beautiful, with auburn curls, golden brown eyes, and a smile that took my breath away. She was smart, funny, and kind to a fault. She fostered stray dogs, volunteered at the homeless shelter, and practiced more random acts of kindness than anyone I had ever met.
We started dating, and very soon I'd fallen hard for her. At 22 I'd never been in love before. I'd slept with more girls than I could count, but none had ever touched my heart, let alone stolen it like she did. It was scary and wonderful at the same time. She returned my affections, and soon we were hot and heavy. One year after we met I asked Lori to marry me, and she said yes. We set the date for six months after that and began planning our future together. Life was good.
Then I did something I will forever regret. Three months before the wedding, some of my old frat brothers were in town, so I took them out to Brodie's at the Hilton, the hotel where they were staying. I got myself a room as well, because I knew we'd be getting drunk. Yeah. Well, we ran into these girls. One thing led to another, and when I woke up I was naked, and I wasn't alone.
I felt horrible for what I'd done, but I had no intention of telling Lori. After all, what's done is done, and I wasn't going to lose her over something I'd never even intended to do. Unfortunately I didn't HAVE to tell her. Her sister's best friend was one of the girls we ran into, and the very first thing she did after she found out was call Lori and tell her what had happened. I didn't know that until the next night at work.
Guilt flowed over me as I approached the DNA lab. I'd screwed around on the woman who would be my wife in less than 3 months, and I couldn't tell her or I'd lose everything. I had to act normal. My everything hinged on her never finding out.
She was leaning over one of the machines as I slipped into the lab behind her. "Hey, babe," I said, trying to keep the edge out of my voice. "What's going on?"
I knew she knew when I saw her eyes. Puffy and red and bloodshot, they obviously belonged to someone who had been doing a lot of crying. She just shook her head and silently thrust the engagement ring I'd given her into my hand. "Go," she grated.
"What?"
"You KNOW what. Drop the bullshit. We have nothing to talk about."
"Lori..."
"Leave."
"I didn't mean for..."
"Bullshit. I'm sure she's not the first, just the only one your sneaky ass got caught with. Get out NOW. I have work to do."
"But..."
"We're at work. You're distracting me. Leave, or I call the boss and tell him you're harassing me." She picked up the telephone. "I swear I'll do it."
"Okay. Right. Okay, we'll talk after work. I love you, Lori, and I'm not going to lose you over this."
"That's where you're wrong, Nick. You already have. Bye."
She wouldn't talk to me after work either, and she wouldn't answer the telephone when I called. She told me the next day that if I tried to talk to her about anything not work-related she'd file a complaint on me. The next day, she did just that. Days turned into weeks, and then one day she was gone. Moved to DC.
Weeks became months. A year and a half after she left I flew out to DC to see her. A man answered the door. "Uh, hi," I sputtered. "I'm here to see Lori." He raised his eyebrows and walked away. In a few moments she came to the door. On her left ring finger was a thick gold band. I just stared at it.
"You shouldn't have come," she said softly. "I left Dallas to get away from you. You broke my heart."
"You broke mine, too."
She shook hers. "That's where you're wrong. You broke your own heart with your deceit. I loved you. I was good to you, and you thought so little of me you took some woman you'd just met to bed less than three months before our wedding. That's not love, Nick. That's horrible, and you're not even man enough to take responsibility for it."
I felt hot tears of shame gather in my eyes. "Look," I whispered, "I know it's too late; you're married now. I still need to tell you, to tell you I did love you, I do love you, and I'm sorry every damned day for what I did. If you ever, if you ever need me, need me for anything you just call me and I'll be there for you. I love you, Lori, and there will never be a day when I don't love you. Don't forget that."
Her husband appeared behind her and put his hand on her shoulder. "I have to go, Nick. You take care, now." The door creaked shut in my face.
As I walked away I realized she was right. I really had broken my own heart.