I did it! I finally finished this story /pant pant/ It took over a month - partly because work was kicking my ass, but mostly because it just demanded so much more detail and depth than I'd originally planned. Who am I to argue with the muse?

Title: Nexus
Author: Akuni
Genre: Drama/Romance
Rating: M for 'Much Smut'
Pairing: Renji/Ichigo
Spoilers: read through Soul Society & Arrancar Arcs
Word Count(total): 20,500 (omfg!)
Word Count(chapter): 3000

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach, I'm just borrowing it for a while.
Distribution: Also posted to my LJ & comms. Please ask if you want to share it :)

Dedication: To all fellow Renji/Ichigo fangirls/guys out there. We know it's impossible, we know it's silly, and we know it's damned hot!

A/N: My Bleach OTP is RenRuki, but I'm hooked on fandom Renji/Ichigo (ya ya I say this for each story, so what! ) After much blushing and chickening out (and wine), I managed to write the smut. Go me! Why is it so much harder to write than to read? Although come to think of it, the first time I read RenjixIchigo smut I did so peering between my fingers as I covered my eyes, and I'm pretty sure all the blood in my body was in my face - that might explain the swooning.

Chapter 4 – Reunion

They were startled out of sleep late one morning nearly a week after Ichigo's nightmare by an insistent hammering at the window. Still half asleep, Ichigo shot out of bed – only to stumble over Renji, who had been reaching for the window before he tripped over Ichigo's trailing bed sheets. They went down in a heap of flailing limbs and blankets, swearing loudly.

"Why the hell don't you people use the damn door!" Ichigo's yell was muffled under the sheets Renji kicked his way. "Hey!"

Laughter was the only response he got. Ichigo struggled out from under the offending blankets and saw his small flat had suddenly become a lot more crowded.

"We interruptin' somethin'?" drawled a familiar voice. Ichigo started guiltily as Renji hastily disentangled himself.

"Ikkaku! And Yumichika!" Renji exclaimed. "What're you guys doin' here?" He stood, staring incredulously, half-dressed and dishevelled. Ichigo caught himself staring and quickly looked away, hoping no one had noticed.

"Visiting." Shuuhei stepped in off the window ledge.

"Hisagi-senpai, too!" Renji looked stunned. Ichigo couldn't blame him – who would expect a shinigami captain and two highly-seated officers to show up without any warning? This stuff always seems to happen to me; you'd think I'd be used to it by now.

His chest thumped as Renji greeted his friends with slaps on the back and rough embraces – he remembered all too clearly how those arms felt around his own shoulders… Ichigo clamped down on that train of thought and buried it deeply in the back of his mind. This was definitely not the time to daydream – this group was skilled enough to pick up on it and run with it.

"This is…" Yumichika looked around. "…an interesting place you are living in, Abarai-kun."

"Well it ain't a palace but it's a place ta sleep." Renji shrugged. He was grinning hugely at his friends.

"Hey!" Ichigo protested, getting to his feet. "I happen to live here, thank you. If you don't like it you can find somewhere else to stay, Mr. Freeloader!" He smothered his own grin – he'd been saving that one up for years.

Renji threw a pillow at him. Ikkaku's laughter rang out again as Ichigo tried to dodge but tripped on the tangled pile of bedding on the floor, fortunately landing on the futon. Ichigo groaned and gave up, content to lie in the warmth.

"So how are things with the 9th, Hisagi-taichou?" Ichigo tried to shift the conversation to discover the real purpose behind this 'visit'.

"Acceptable. The Division is back up to full strength, and we are training the new recruits hard." His stone-face finally cracked a smile. "And it's Shuuhei, not 'Hisagi-taichou'. We're all friends now, remember." He leaned over and clapped a hand on Ichigo's bare left shoulder, right on the tattoo that commemorated their night of drunken revelry celebrating the end of the war. Yumichika was smiling – beautifully, of course, Ichigo noted with an internal chuckle – and Ikkaku and Renji were nodding at him.

Ichigo was only a little bit surprised to find himself grinning back at the shinigami. Can't argue with that, I guess. With friends like these, at least my life is always going to be interesting.

They spent the day at Urahara's, partly because they wanted to spar and partly because Ichigo's flat couldn't accommodate that many guests comfortably. They spent quite a bit of time catching up on the news. Since Renji received regular reports on official business from his Division, 'news' in this case really meant 'gossip' about their friends.

"An' then… then he sat up an' asked fer another! Never saw Taichou so surprised, ever. He just looked at th' kid an' then started laughin'! Told us we'd better find 'im a place 'cause he'd ruin any other Division." Ikkaku howled and slapped his knees. Renji roared right along with him. Those were good times. They're all insane, but they taught me a helluva lot.

"How's Kira doing?" Renji asked Shuuhei when the laughter died down and the talk turned more serious.

"Still the same," Shuuhei replied. "He's doing the best he can, but the Division is still demoralized, and only barely at half-strength. No one wants to touch the 'Cursed 3rd' with a stick."

"But Ichimaru's long gone." Ichigo looked slightly confused.

"Ichimaru isn't the whole of the problem." Yumichika informed him. "It's because of Kira-kun."

Shuuhei nodded. "He's stuck as Acting Captain because he knows the Division and there's no one else even close to being qualified. He's not captain material, and all of the Gotei 13 knows it, including Kira. Nothing's changed even in all the weeks you've been away, Renji."

Renji sighed. "Yeah, I know. They don't trust him t' lead, not after what that bastard—" Renji broke off with a grimace. "This ain't helpin'."

"No, but I know what will!" Ikkaku reached behind the rock he was perched on and produced a large sake bottle. "Time to party! We brought the good stuff!"

"Alright!" I'm glad these guys've pulled Ichigo in with the crew. Renji looked at Ichigo and smiled. It's great t' have all the important people in my life together like this.

Ichigo panicked. He definitely recognized that bottle. Alcohol – with this group, who had never heard of 'moderation' – would not go well with his current emotional problem. Namely the fact that he'd spent the better part of the last week covering up his hopelessly impossible attraction to his flatmate. If he had to match these guys drink for drink, he'd never be able to hide it – and that would ruin everything. The thought alone shook his tenuous control.

He stood abruptly. "Actually, I should be going. I'm supposed to meet Chad in about an hour."

"Sado-kun? Great, go get him an' bring him down." Renji invited cheerfully.

Ichigo barely put a lid on his panic. "Maybe next time. Tonight's kinda a reunion, just for school pals, yanno."

Renji gave him a surprised look. "Since when?" He sounded taken aback.

Ichigo glared. "Since when do I hafta tell you everything?" It twisted his gut to snap like that but he desperately needed to get out of there before his control wavered any more. "I'll see you guys later." He strode quickly toward the exit.

"Oi, we went t' yer school, too!" Ikkaku called after him loudly.

Ichigo ran, and hoped he'd be able to find Chad.

"Well what the fuck was that for?" Renji glowered in the direction Ichigo had gone. He grabbed the cup Ikkaku held out to him and downed it in a single gulp.

"Don't ask us, you're the one livin' with the guy." Ikkaku's tone was suggestive. "Not our job t' keep tabs on yer—"

"Shut your mouth!" Renji barked, turning away to hide the colour rising in his face.

"Oh ho, touched a nerve did I? Hehehe!" Ikkaku chortled.

"Lay off, Ikkaku, or I'll touch more'n a nerve for ya." Renji took refuge in the familiar pattern of banter and insults, hoping it would deflect the too-accurate probes of his bald friend.

"Ooh, ya think so, huh? Not gettin' too soft on this side?"

"Soft? I'll show ya soft, ya bastard!" Renji stood, dropping the empty cup on the ground.

By the time the fight was over, Ikkaku had moved on from nagging Renji to telling him more about the latest antics in Soul Society.

Renji breathed an inward sigh of relief. It didn't mean anythin' after all, just the normal crap. I dunno what I'd do if they really had a clue… He picked up his cup again.

"So, are you going to talk about what's going on or are we going to have to drag it out of you?"

"Huh?" Renji blinked at Shuuhei in confusion. They'd only been drinking for a few hours but they were already well into the fourth bottle of the potent sake Ikkaku had smuggled out of Soul Society.

"What's the problem with Ichigo?" Ikkaku poked at the bruise a blow from Houzukimaru had left on Renji's neck.

"Dunno whatcha mean." Renji grabbed at the offending digit.

"Abarai-kun, it's obvious that there's something going on with Ichigo." Yumi looked at him earnestly.

Crap… do they know? They can't know. Renji swallowed nervously. What do I do now?

"Ichigo is obviously having some sort of problem. Did you have a fight?" Yumi pressed.

Renji hid his relief behind a gulp of sake. "No, it ain't that. He's just havin' some bad dreams is all. Didn't think he'd want his business spread 'round, so I didn't wanna say nothin'."

Yumichika gave Renji a long look before tactfully dropping the subject and refilling their cups.

"Well tha's just stupid. We all got 'em, comes with th' job." Ikkaku growled good-naturedly. "We're th' ones'd understand best."

"Yeah, I told him that. Helped him figure out how t' cope. 'S'all good now, I fixed it up. He's makin' good progress, his energy ain't flarin' nearly so bad anymore, so don't go talkin' 'bout it, ok?"

"But—"

"Ikkaku, we need more sake. Help me get some more from upstairs before Urahara-san finds it." Yumi dragged the bald shinigami towards the ladder.

Shuuhei waited until they were out of earshot. "What's really going on with Ichigo, Renji?"

"Told ya. Helped him figure out his nightmares. Ya believe no one else in Soul Society figured out he'd have the same kinds a' problems we do an' not have the trainin' t' handle it? Che. Stupid. Was killin' him."

Renji paused for another drink. "Was killin' me t' see it, too. He's jus' like I was, senpai, after Rukongai. Seein' 'em lyin' there, broken..." I'm babblin' like an idiot, but as long as he buys this an' shuts up I'll take it.

Shuuhei stared at him.

"What?" Renji demanded.

"You never talk about Rukongai."

"Yeah well… gotta let it be part a' my past, right?" Another drink. "Yanno that's what makes Ichigo wake up screamin'. He sees 'em, jus' like me. I tried t' help, just like you did for me, but I ain't good at that stuff."

"Seems like you did alright. His energy felt a lot like yours did after you got over the initial wave. You know after that it's just a matter of time and effort. He'll be fine, thanks to you."

"Maybe."

Silence. Renji hoped Shuuhei was finished asking uncomfortable questions, because he was out of diversionary answers and his cup was emptying fast.

"You going to tell me about that other new development I sensed in Ichigo's energy?"

Damn, this just ain't my night. "Don't matter. We're friends, 's'all." He took another long drink and stared fixedly at the ground.

"That's not what I saw today. And that's not what your reiatsu is telling me right now.

Fuck, I forgot another Captain'd be able t' see right through me, 'specially if I'm drunk. Renji sat in stony silence for a long moment before he gave up and sighed heavily.

"You care about him a lot." Shuuhei stated.

"Well a' course I do. We're friends." Which is true – no matter what else I'm feelin' that'll always be true. "We've been through the worst together. He's solid, yanno? Can always count on him t' be there when ya need him. Saved my ass more times 'n I can count durin' the war. An' not only that, he's got brains when he needs 'em, an' the strength t' back up his decisions."

Renji drained his cup. "When the time comes he'll be a good Captain. I wanna be that kind a' Captain, too. I'm what they made me – I don't wanna be like Kuchiki-taichou any more'n I wanna be like Zaraki-taichou, but I gotta work at it. Ichigo's got it just by bein' who he is."

"I was wrong." That finally made Renji look up in surprise. Shuuhei's eyes were serious. "You don't just care… you're in love with him."

"No!" I can't let myself feel that way…

"Cut the crap, Renji. Out of all the people in this world right now, I'm the one who's known you the longest."

"I… can't." …no matter how much I want to.

"Can't what?"

"I can't feel that way. He's a friend, Shuuhei. One a' the best I'll ever have." Renji protested weakly.

"What's that got to do with it?"

"Well I just can't… 's not worth losin' your best friend for somethin' that ain't important." Renji burst out.

"So that's your latest excuse, is it? It's not important?"

"…the fuck are you talkin' 'bout?"

"All these years I've known you, you've had reasons not to get involved with anyone. The advanced class at the academy took up too much time. Then you were working yourself into the ground trying to surpass Kuchiki Byakuya. And then of course the war, and taking over the 5th Division. But you ran out of excuses, so you made up another one. A pretty crappy one, too." Shuuhei looked at him pointedly.

"I… I've been havin' dreams. Jus' some dreams is all." Renji tried one last time as he upended the nearly-empty sake bottle into his cup. "It's just 'cause we've been workin' together all the time an' spendin' so much time together. It don't mean nothin'. 'S just one a' those things." He tossed back the last of the sake. "Where 'n hell're those two idiots with the booze?"

"So you've dreamed about sleeping with attractive men before, then?"

Renji felt the flush spreading over his cheeks. "No."

"But it doesn't mean anything now." Shuuhei deadpanned.

The last scrap of Renji's resolve crumbled. "You know that ain't it, Shuuhei, don't try an' make this about somethin' it ain't. That don't matter. It don't matter if it's a guy or a girl or a goat, I ain't gonna ruin a perfectly good friendship just because I went an' got feelin's for Ichigo." There, I said it, ya happy now?

"You know this would've all been a lot easier if you'd just admitted it from the start. Cheaper, too.. that sake was expensive. I should've listened to Yumi when he said you'd resist right to the end. It doesn't have to be the end of everything, you know. It could be just the beginning of something stronger." Shuuhei made a face. "I can't believe I just said that. That was good sake."

Renji stared. "You bastards… ya set me up?" he asked accusingly.

:Someone had to. You'd just keep on fucking things up if they left you to manage this on your own. You had to swallow two of those bottles of sake before you could even admit to yourself that you've got it bad. I hope Zangetsu doesn't have to deal with the same level of crap from Ichigo.: The voices in his mind were as full of attitude as ever – attitude he didn't need right now.

"Shut up, asshole!"

"Excuse me?"

"Uh… not you, senpai. Zabimaru buttin' his noses in." The world tilted a bit as Renji stood, but Shuuhei's hand on his shoulder steadied him. "I really need more booze."

"C'mon," Shuuhei pushed him toward the exit. "The sake is upstairs, and they're waiting for us."

"Shuuhei?"

"Mm?"

"What'm I gonna do?"

"What do you want to do? Figure that out first."

"It was fun seein' everyone again, eh Chado?" Ichigo dug in his cupboard for another bottle of sake.

"Mmhmm."

"Ahh, there it is! You want any more of this?" Ichigo waved the sloshing bottle at Chad.

"Nope."

Ichigo shrugged and refilled his cup. It was a relief to be out from under the keen eyes of the visiting shinigami officers. He deeply appreciated the friendship they extended to him, but he just couldn't afford to let anyone know that he was… that he'd fallen for Renji. The alcohol burned as he knocked back half the cup.

"Ichigo."

"Eh, Chado?"

"You are troubled."

"Uh, it's nothin'. Just some bad dreams." I can't start talking about this, not even with Chad. That would make it too real, and then I'd have to deal with the fact that it can't ever be real.

"We promised to fight for one another. I cannot fight if I do not know your goal."

My goal? You can't fight this battle for me, Chado. My enemy is myself. "I don't know what you mean, there's no one to fight."

"Then it is the enemy within you must face. You struggle, Ichigo, but if you do not know your goal you will not succeed."

Ichigo stared. What does he know? The second half of the cup followed the first.

"Why are you not with Abarai-san and the other shinigami tonight?"

"Thought it'd be nice to give 'em the chance to catch up. Besides, I haven't seen much of you guys since, well since I've been kinda busy with this shinigami stuff this summer, yanno, Renji bein' here. He's so completely clueless, yanno." Why did he pick now of all times to become talkative?

"But they are your friends, too, and they are only here now. We will still be here when they are gone."

When they are gone… when… Ichigo's lips went numb from the shock.

"It's late. I should go home. It's a shame the shinigami could not join us this evening. I enjoyed their company in Soul Society. Perhaps next time. Please give them my best."

"Chado…"

"Ichigo. Remember. If it's worth having, it's worth fighting for. You taught me that." Chad shut the door behind him quietly, leaving Ichigo to his thoughts.

Omake
Ch 4 omake

Renji: Now that's more like it! Nothin' like a good drunk t' get a story movin'.

Akuni: Glad you enjoyed yourself…

Ichigo: Did he ever!

Renji: Aw, don't go tellin' her that!

Akuni: Hey hey, you guys are getting ahead of the story/exasperated/

Ichigo: Ahh, sorry.

Renji: At least we didn't get thrown outta a karaoke bar like some people…

Akuni: Man you guys are never gonna let me forget that, are you?

Renji/Ichigo: Hell no!