Yes, back by popular demand, it's MERCENARIES! w00t! More Violence, more swearing, and more REALLY Bad Jokes. Enjoy!

-CobaltDragon

REVIEWS!

Oh my Fucking God- Glad you liked it! I enjoy sneaking in random jokes...

Lady Ithil- Random Absurdist humour is my forte, so expect lots of it!

General Masamune- Ooh... Krauser has a lot coming to him : ) Mwahaha

Lady Ithil (Again)- Yessir, Waterworld is possibly my favorite Mercenaries map, and your brother isn't kidding. Super-Salvador/Double-bladed Chainsaw Guy can't lug his damn saw up a ladder, so he jumps up and down any ladder on the map. Oh, and there are actually TWO chainsaw guys, and you can fight them both at once, depending on where you start. If you start on top of said tower, you'd better run like hell because at least one of them will dog you from the start. Thanks again for the review!

Part 2: Mr. Wesker Goes to Waterworld

It was a lonely night in splitsville for poor Albert Wesker. One minute he was dancing nude at Club Weskie, his popular fanbase, the next he was sitting- fully clothed God dammit -in the middle of a godforsaken... thingie.

Scattered beside him were some brochures (So You've Pissed Off A Programmer, The Joys of a Face-ectomy, and Welcome To Waterworld- Avoid the Chainsaws. Also in the pile were several issues of Playplagas) and a small nuclear arms arsenal, most of which he avoided for reasons known to most males who value their special areas.

"Ah, radiation. Tastes like chicken."

He whipped out his sunglasses and placed them right where most people suggested he put them.

"How the hell did these get lodged so deep god dammit?" asked the rectal surgeon, attaching a hook to Wesker's sunglasses, "Okay, start hauling."

A large construction-grade crane began to crank its winch, causing the viewing audience to gouge their eyes out with slices of Pie. Slowly, and oh so painfully, Wesker's sunglasses extricated themselves with a POP.

"Here you go son, your sunglasses," proclaimed the surgeon proudly.

Wesker eyed the shitty merchandise. "You know what? Keep 'em. Join the Wesker fan club, or sell the damn things on Ebay. Just DON'T wave them in my face or you'll need a Rectal Surgeon..."

Now back at Waterworld, Albert Wesker was walking like he'd had something painful inserted and removed from his posterior. But, it seems, he always walked like that.

It seemed that upon placing his sunglasses on his face, he missed and rammed them roughly into his mouth.

"Tastes like Chicken," he muttered.

Just then, the Commandos remembered that Saddler was... um... paying them?

They remembered that Saddler wasn't going release to them details of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince as long as they killed Wesker.

"Oh SHIT!" Wesker yelled, pulling out his limited edition Star Trek Communicator, "Scotty, beam me up!"

"Ah'm Soorry Cap'n Wisker, Ah cannoot beam ya oop alongside yoor enormous ego!"

"Oh FUCK you Scotty!"

Damn Umbrella. Of all the 60s TV shows to emulate after the whole 'U.N.C.L.E." spy shit backfired, they picked Star Trek. Damn lazy-ass Scottish.

And before he could react, the Ganado had killed him, causing the screen to display 'YOU ARE DEAD, MOTHERFUCKA'.

"Tell me something I don't know, assholes!" Wesker shouted, waving a slightly dead fist at his shoe.

Then he clicked continue and he was slightly less dead.

And armed.

Oh man was he armed.

But he was suspiciously without legs...

'YOU ARE DEAD MOTHERFUCKA'

This time Wesker spawned in an empty room wearing the Varia Suit from Metroid Prime.

"Ah, at last. Ample room for my voluptuos breasts."

But then he remembered that he wasn't in Metroid Prime, so he pulled out his Killer7 and tried to put it into his Gamecube to play. Unfortunately, somewhere in the process the minidisc discharged a .45 magnum round through Weskie's Cube and destroyed it utterly.

"Utterly?" he asked despondently, not expecting an answer.

"Utterly." responded the narrator.

Scene deleted because Wesker crying like he was Brad 'Chickenheart' Vickers or something was boring.

"Heh heh, Leon only gets a Blacktail and a pussy little Riot Shotgun..." Wesker chuckled as he looked over the menu for Mercenaries.

"Oh, FUCK YOU!" Leon shouted as he entered the room, "I got my weapons back!"

And with that he paraded around the room like a Powerpuff Girl (Sans stupid Mojo Jojo), until Wesker tripped him and rammed an Infinite Rocket Launcher up the blonde agent's nose.

"That was mean, I'm telling mommy!" cried Leon, removing the large weapon from his Sinal Passage and running for the door.

Wesker suddenly decided to wet himself at that EXACT MOMENT because a double-bladed chainsaw guy (Dr. Salvador on steroids) had wandered into the room and removed Leon's head.

'YOU ARE DEAD MOTHERFUCKA'

"No, that's Leon you shithead!"

'YOU ARE ALIVE MOTHERFUCKA.'

"Oh stop this stupid joke, this is like that damn Jesus thing in the first chapter." Wesker complained.

'YOU ARE ABOUT TO BE DEAD MOTHERFUCKA.'

So Wesker turned off the Gamecube, laughing at his evil until he realized he had also been consigned to video game oblivion, until somebody turned on the Cube again...

"Oh. Tastes like chicken..."