So here I am, back with another infrequent update of everyone's favorite wackiness, Mercenaries! Short episode this time, sorry about the wait. I'll update it again soon, when I get the time.

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Episode 3: Hunk'd

Hunk was sitting on his toilet, mask on as usual, when the call came from Umbrella, causing his overused Pager to smoke.

Hunk pulled the cigarette out from his pager's mouth ("you shouldn't smoke") and read the screen.

Mr. Death, meeting 12 o' Clock, bring cookies.

Problems defogging your deathmask? Call 1-900-Fog-Deth!

Hunk, call Theresa.I 'Heart' you.

Mr. Death, you have '1' NEW assignment from hell!

Hunk sighed. Why couldn't it be something simple, like trampling somebody else's daisies?

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"Hunk I want you to trample someone's daisies."

Hunk's jaw dropped to the floor. Before he could pick it up, it walked off to go get some coffee. Luckily Hunk always carried a spare with him, which he clipped on posthaste.

"Daisies sir? What's the catch?"

"Hundreds of thousands of pissed off Zombies and former US President Bill Clinton."

"Ooooooh no sir, I refuse to deal with that kind of abuse."

"Hunk?"

"The Zombies."

"That's abuse? Isn't that part of your JOB dammit?"

"Look, I can throw an Intern Grenade at former US President William Clinton, or just give him a book deal, but you can do that kind of shit with Zombies. You'd need like… TWO book deals! It's unprecedented!"

To further illustrate Hunk's point, a passing Zombie was presented with only one book deal and ate an intern. When a second book offer was made following the success of 'I, Zombie', the Zombie did not eat any interns.

"As you can see sir, two book deals is just two much of a stretch."

"But you just gave a second book deal to that Zombie there!"

"The difference was the presence of Red-Shirted Interns nearby."

"Why can't you just…"

"They're fucking DAISIES. Good luck justifying hundreds of thousands of Interns to Umbrella Financing. If you would remember correctly, we are BANKRUPT. In fact what the hell am I doing here? You don't even fucking pay me!"

"This isn't Umbrella, this is Capcom."

"Oh," said Hunk, "in which case…"

"Anyways, Microsoft has planted some fucking nice daisies. Squish them."

"How? Remember the Zombies? Former US President Bill Clinton?"

"You've been authorized six interns, three book deals, and the Jesus joke from the first chapter."

And Hunk saw that it was good.

"Also sir, why am I supposed to squish the Daisy Vista outside of Microsoft HQ aka Hell?"

"Because you're a Nintendo-only property right now. Bitch."

"Aye sir."

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Hunk promptly found himself in the castle.

"HAHAHA, that transition was significantly less weird and gay than the last two were. This time we've explained it! Mwahahaha!"

Then Saddler killed Luis Sera with a pointy stick and stuck his tongue out at Hunk.

"Nobody steals my evil laugh bitch, back off!"

So Hunk did, right into the Garrador. So he Neck-snapped it, and he saw that it was good.

"So where are these Daisies?" he asked himself spookily.

Just that moment, in a series of not-very-funny plot contrivances the Daisies also appeared in the castle, speaking spanish and carrying really pointy sticks. But then Hunk easily stepped on and trampled all of them.

"I love my work," he said in a very self-satisfied manner, eating a piece of Tofu through his mask.

And, in a desperate attempt to add length to a rather short chapter of Mercenaries, the author made Ashton Kutcher appear as if from nowhere (where he was actually appearing from Cleveland) and annoy Hunk.

"Dude, you've been like totally Punk'd! Those daisies were actually AIDS and you found the cure! PWNED ASSHAT giggledgiggledgiggledsnort!" said Ashton.

Hunk snapped his neck.

"Shut the FUCK up."

"Oh," sighed the author. "I guess that didn't add much length."

And with that he saved and uploaded the next wacky installment of Mercenaries to where it could summarily be reviewed by six people, resigning Hunk and the rest of the cast to that dark place they go when you aren't reading this.