I got up early , and even then Maxon was up long before me . I went to my office to work as it was going to be one of my last days to work before the wedding events take over , but it's a beautiful warm day and my mind keeps wandering. I was reading a funding report on ways to fund the feeding program for the lower casts when a delivery of flowers arrived " A delivery for Queen America ." Sounding almost theatrical , I almost didn't look up because I was instantly angry about being called Queen , but when I did I couldn't see the delivery man's face behind the flowers but I could see by his body movements he was silently shaking with laughter .

"Maxon, isn't that the vase from the hallway? "

He set the vase down laughing out loud now. He walked around and sat on the edge of my desk .

"America you need a break, there has been a strawberry Tarte sitting uneaten on your desk for hours ."

I sighed loudly , he was right .

"I actually have a very important, exceedingly boring assignment I need you to do, but I have an idea to make it fun for you." He was taking off his tie with a huge grin on his face . I looked at him Curiously.

" Do you trust me America?" he said with giddiness I'd never heard from him before .

"Yes" I said and he surprised me by wrapping his tie around my eyes .

" What in the world are you doing ?" I shrieked

"I'm blindfolding you to make this more fun." He took my hands . "Follow me my Dear." After a few clumsy steps we finally made it to the hallway … "Maxon this is going to take ages … "

" But, I want to surprise you, please just humor me . " he whispered in my ear. "I need to see you smile after last night."

"I have an idea … come here, let me hold on to your shoulders . " he moved and when I could feel his back was to me I jumped wrapping my legs around his waist… so happy I put on jeans today. He stumbled but caught me .

"A piggyback ride , that's your idea America . " he said with sarcasm.

" yes, now go forth my noble steed " l said laughing so hard I almost fell out of his grip. I heard a few guards and advisors nearby laughing heartily at their King being teased including Aspens very familiar one very close by.

He wanted me to smile, but what he got was me being giddy. I forgot about everything that made our lives hard at that moment , I was having fun flirting with my fiancé. Nothing more.

Almost as if he read my mind , or could feel my emotions shift he broke out into almost a run . I could feel how strong he was. He carried me like I was almost nothing .

"How are you this strong, you have a desk job." Throwing my head back laughing.

Breaking a little of the magic of the moment he said "I started training with the guards when I was a kid, there weren't many kids around so I followed them around and they took me under their wing. I think for them it made them feel like I could at least hold my own in an attack on the palace. "

he paused . "For me it was hope that I could … It doesn't matter now . " I knew what he ment without him having to say it but It was then I felt him shift to put me down .

"we're here . But don't open your eyes just yet. " he left me standing and I could see he turned on the lights in the room though the tie was still around my eyes.

" Ok, Now."

I removed the tie , I looked around amazed . I was inside a jewelry box .

" It's customary for a Princess to wear a tiara on their wedding day. I want you to pick one from the Royal collection"

Determined not to break the spell I was under at this moment . We spent about an hour together laughing as I tried on almost everything In the vault .I really wish he had grabbed his camera. I would have loved to have a huge blow up of him in this huge ornate tiara I put on his head when he was positively glowing with laughter at how much fun we were having together. In the end I picked one that would look great with my dress, but wasn't too large , but would definitely show up well in photos and on camera . It felt so surreal. I still had questions swimming about being queen but everything between us felt normal for once, like we could have had this moment as a couple of 5s in Carolina, maybe not in a vault of royal Jewels but playing dress up before a big party I was employed to sing at in a dusty second hand store just the same.

After trying to get back to work I decided that I wasn't going to get anything more done inside on such a nice day, my head was everywhere but work. I thought maybe if I went to the gardens I could get some fresh air and relax and get back to work after an hour or so.

I had been in the garden for a few minutes when I heard the click of Aspens Cane. He was ahead of me and didn't seem to notice I was there. "Aspen," I shouted . He turned and headed my way . I could see it still took him a lot of effort and this must have shown on my face , because I didn't like seeing him hurt .

"I'm getting better all the time Mer," he gave me a loose reassuring hug . Telling me about all the progress he's made since his injury But I could feel all the tangled thoughts in my head boiling over so I didn't hear any of it.

"Mer, what's going on, talk to me I can see you're struggling ." He said bringing me back to reality before losing my grip again.

" I can't do this !" Almost at a wail. " I just barely made up my mind that I could be a princess , but now I'm going to be queen in just a few days. Aspen, I'm going to mess up, I'm going to do something that will make everyone hate me .

"America, stop for a second . " I stopped and looked at him , his free hand wrapped around my arm . It grounded me, feeling older brotherly, if my brother could show emotions other than bitterness, his touch felt like a safety net, it steadied me giving me time to process my emotions enough that I didn't cry. I just looked at him wanting answers I knew he didn't have .

" A crown is a heavy burden on your head, Maxon has been burdened with this weight his whole life. He will carry it while you learn . No one expects you to be perfect overnight , and you will make mistakes, you're human. But you will learn from them and you will get stronger and you will be able to bear that weight. "

" But Aspen, I don't want to put more on his plate , he just lost both his parents , he didn't expect to become king like that . He can't take on more while I learn what he's been learning for 20 years . "

" Mer , Listen to me . Do you remember back in Carolina worrying about being hungry, or not having heat in the winter . "

"Yes," I said, confused and frustrated at him for changing the subject .

" When food was short , what did you do? When you didn't have heat , what did you do ? Just think about it for me, don't answer me. You don't have to worry about those things anymore , so now your mind is in hyper drive with new things for you to worry about , but everything in your life has prepared you for this … the scale or issues have changed but not your abilities. When you don't have to focus on basic survival your brain opens up room for new worries, and new abilities . It's not your brain though that will make you a great queen , it's your heart . America you will lead with your heart, let Maxon rule with intellect , your two halves that will make one crown"

"Aspen, what would I do without you ?" I breathed a sigh of something close to but not quite relief.

"You don't need me like you think you do, but you're dealing with a ton of things now and more will be added every day . If you want my advice I'm here, but America you don't need me , just trust your heart." He said letting go of my arm and kissed the top of my head like my dad always did.

"No matter how heavy your crown gets America, I'll be here."

I looked at him, there was more I wanted to ask, but I didn't feel like I could ask him, but I knew who I could. But I knew he was wrong about one thing.

"Aspen, you're wrong, I do need you. I need you, Marlee, and lucy. You are my best friend. Without my friends I can't do this ."

I went back to my office and worked till well past dinner when my mind again wandered off . I nearly fell out my chair when Marlee knocked on the door.

" America, honey you're going to give yourself wrinkles before you're 25 if you keep working this hard ."

"I'm starving , now that I think about it , want to get something to eat ?"

" One step ahead of you. Come with me "

We went to Marlee's palace apartment and we ate on her sofa. Carter was working so it was just us girls . We talked and laughed for a while catching up on things. We both missed being so busy . And I didn't want to ask but I knew I needed answers.

"Marlee, can I ask you something that's highly personal "

"Yes, America, you're my best friend and helped save my life ."

I was quite trying to form the words I wanted .

"Do your scars bother you?"

"They itch sometimes , but I don't think that's what you're really looking for. What I think you're really asking is do they make me feel ugly. Yes, they do… sometimes, but then sometimes Carter will kiss my scared hands like they are beautiful, and to him they are . It's those times that are far more than the days I'm bothered by them ."

We were both quiet for a while .

"America, this isn't about you is it . It's about Maxon, isn't it."

I lost control of the shaking in my body I had been trying to hide. How did she guess it was about him , this was not my secret to tell, my mind spinning into how much I had betrayed him by needing to find answers. Marlee pulled me close and squeezed me tight like a sister who understood my heart better than I knew my own . She continued while she held me tight .

" Men are different. When Carter and I first got married we had lost so much , but we held on tight to each other so tightly every kiss, every touch felt like an inferno and our lives were hanging on to the last scrap of unburned land but in time we became comfortable in our lives together and finally felt safe. We were comfortable enough to let down our guards, but sometimes you just can't turn them off . One night I accidentally scratched his back lost in his love , it wasn't a bad scratch but it broke him . He felt awful. He was so upset at himself for how he felt about his scars that my touch sent his mind into dark spirals. He couldn't stand my touch or even look at me for days. It hurt both of us so much . We're better now, but it took a few weeks."

After a long silence I asked what I felt I shouldn't .

"How … How do you know ." I wanted to continue, but I lost my will because I shouldn't be telling her the darkness in someone else's past . I was shaking and felt pain in my heart like it was physically being ripped in tiny pieces.

"Empathy," she said. " Queen Amberly loved with absolute devotion , King Clarkson was distant and authoritarian and you would expect Maxon to follow down one of those paths, so I know something changed him. Maxon intensely feels everyone around him. When you feel like that leaves you open to not just feeling everyone's happiness but also their pain. I realized when he helped save our lives that he understood our pain more than as a prince, more than someone without pain should."

There was comforting silence while she stroked my hair for a while before I relaxed.

I thought deeply about her words . I've felt it before when he's tried to shut out what he feels. Those moments when he's his father's son. I can also see times when he is totally and faithfully devoted just like Queen Amberly. There have also been times when he feels the pain or joy of those around him. I've watched him struggle with this because this puts him at odds with who he is as a person versus the King he was raised to be, making him different from either of the people who raised him. My thoughts drift to how this affects the type of king he wants to be , but also how it affects him and how he has to balance his needs and wants with those of his title . If My feelings about being queen are scaring me this much, then how much more must he be feeling inside his heart with every worry of the nation on his scared back. I can't do this. I think but then my brain somersaults… I understand what I couldn't before . Clarkson told Maxon his beatings would make him strong ,But he lied, he knew Maxon was good and could connect to people in a way he couldn't , he beat him to break him and make him weak like he was, but he didn't break, he fought to be his own man. a fight he's still fighting everyday. Clarkson needed everyone to fear him …to beg at his feet not just as king but as a man. As my brain expands just like Aspen said it would with understandings I never thought I could have . Plans stated to form … I'm sure I looked strange to her so Marlee continues.

"America, when you're overwhelmed you implode and lash out with bad ideas, you can't implode anymore America, but you can ask for help."