After a fitful sleep that night and a long day attending to every last minute detail my mind was in shambles as I was getting ready for bed , but I had no idea how I was going to sleep. Lucy had made some tea she said would help me sleep, she said it helped her mom a lot when she was ill. Tomorrow was the start of all the wedding events with the Friday report, press interviews, and the formal rehearsal. It felt Like a whirling vortex of never ending chaos was coming , and This was in the calm before the storm. I glanced at the crown I had picked a few days before in the glass case on my desk. I felt suddenly like my heart would explode, like all the air in the room suddenly turned to fire. I wanted out …so I ran .

I ran not a single thought running in my head but to get out. I heard a guard call out after me but I didn't care. Careening down the steps I turned a corner and plowed into someone scattering papers and folders everywhere. But I couldn't stop. I tried to keep running but I was trapped in a pair of strong arms and the arms were shouting at me .

"America , what's wrong? America …"

My heart exploded at the pain in maxons voice.

His voice changed something in me. I glanced around and knew I wasn't going to leave the palace but I still needed to run away. I grabbed Maxons hand and started dragging him with me , it wasn't easy . He must have been thinking a hundred horrible things about why I was in such a condition but I didn't care about that right now. Finally he relented and let me drag him wherever I was dragging him .

I slammed my whole body on the door and exploded onto the roof . I fell to my knees and then rolled over onto my back sucking in painful but cool air. After a few seconds I felt Maxon panting on his back beside me .

"What the hell is going on in America !" His words were forced and staccato between pants trying to get enough air to his lungs.

"I'm imploding." I Wheezed out.

" huh, what does that mean?" He was still breathing heavily but he only sounded confused now.

I sat up and wrapped my arms around my knees pulling them into my chest once I had enough air supply to quiet the pain in my body. Suddenly I knew I'd made the right choice to run to the roof. The night air was cool after such a hot day. The lights were twinkling in the garden where we will host our wedding reception. My mind stilled as a breeze ruffled my hair.

"Your hair is one of my favorite things about you ." Maxon said, matching my position beside me. Clearly trying to relax the tension between us.

"When I'm struggling to process my emotions I implode, according to Marlee"

He looked at me urging me to continue clearly, still too confused to trust his words .

"When I started to run, I wanted to run all the way back to carolina. I thought it would solve all my problems, but then I slammed into you and your voice touched my heart so I grabbed you and took off here."

He didn't move . But looked at me warmly .

" When I was in my room getting ready for bed 10,000 things were swimming in my mind at once , the wedding , being queen, becoming a wife, and I felt like I was going to explode. But now that I'm with you everything doesn't feel so overwhelming."

"America, Marlee once told me that you are full of nothing but bad ideas with good intentions . Am I one of your bad ideas ?" His voice was steady but I could see pain in his eyes.

"Maxon, you are my best idea. I just got overwhelmed and almost made a bad decision to run away. I don't think I would have gotten too far but It was the only idea I had at the time. It was never about you, it was just... It was everything else." All my resolve to stay calm shattered and I sobbed into my knees.

He was silent for a few minutes before he spoke. That pause gave me time to calm down enough that I wasn't sobbing but could still feel tears stinging my eyes.

" ok, let's talk about it , let's find answers together ." He removed his suit jacket and put it over my arms and wrapped his arms around me .

I thought about everything in my head and settled on the biggest Boulder in my heart.

" I can't be the only one who knows about your back ." I said, sounding childish and frail.

" in the millions of things I thought you would say that was nowhere on the list ." He went stony and silent again but didn't let go of me.

"Why?" he finally said .

" Because your crown is heavy , you need to be able to take it off and just be Maxon. You need people you can trust , when things get tough . My worst mistakes I've made in this palace have been when I felt alone and scared and out of options, or out of hope. I have You, Aspen Marlee and Lucy to help me when my crown gets too heavy, who do you have other than me? That is there for you as a friend and not as king , who can truly help you carry your crown… but also take it off and just be Maxon when you need to be. "

He was scary quiet.

"It's not like I want to walk in a room and strip my shirt off and say hey guys, my dad beat me , look at my scars ." He said in a seething voice.

I tried to speak but I couldn't really form the words To say how sorry I was for suggesting it but my mouth betrayed me.

"Marlee , knows … " I squeeked.

He felt like fire beside me as his arms let me go but it was his eyes that scared me most , they were cold, deadly ice, shooting though me like bullets .

" You told her , America ." He bellowed with a ferocious guttural growl through gritted teeth. His body racked with rage.

"No," I said, remarkably steady. "I needed advice after what happened when I touched you the other day. So I went to her as my friend. I didn't want to betray your secrets , but she guessed. Because she knows you better than you think. She's known since the canning, she doesn't know your story, but she knows you understood their pain ,in a way you shouldn't have been able to understand ." Marlee sees people , like really sees them. I'm not that gifted and I saw your pain when I told you about Aspen's brother too. You felt his pain in your back that day in the hall, if I had Marlees gift I would have guessed then too."

He dropped his fists and took a deep breath. After a long silence He looked me in the eyes and I could see they were still frozen but they weren't sending bullets through me with rage anymore. Clearly despite whatever ever shock or rage he must be feeling he knew that we were in this together and resolved to stay and see this conversation through.

" What next on your list of worries?" His words were softer than I would have expected given his body language.

Every one of the million other worries I had melted away except one.

" Maxon, I'm going to need help being queen, I can't learn this job overnight, I never pictured my life in a palace. When I pictured my life I saw the life of a Six. Struggling for food, being cold in the winter serving people around me to scrape by. Not a life of lavish weddings, and hosting diplomats for formal dinners . I know I'm going to mess up, but I need to know you will be there to fix my mistakes, and that you will still love me if I fail."

"Five." He said. "America you were a 5."

" Aspen was a 6. If I had never been in the section I would have married him , and we would be a pair of starving 6's in carolina ."

He looked at me like he was looking for any thread of doubt in my feelings for him . When he finally spoke again it was his turn to shock me.

" You really did love him before you met me . I know part of you will always love him ." His voice grew gentle. He pushed some of my hair over my ear before he reached for my hand with my engagement ring. He brought it to his lips and kissed the ring. " but I can see it in your eyes, it's not the same love you have for me . He sat thinking for A while overlooking the gardens . The air ruffled his hair. The lingering tension in his body haunted me. However when he spoke every trace of rage had vanished from his soothing voice.

I Won't tell you that I'm happy with you right now, but I still love you . I need you from now on to come to me before you feel this shattered, come to me when you start to feel overwhelmed so we can work on things together. I'm not planning on sharing my scars but as far as your bad ideas go, at least this one was not on national television , but I think your intentions are right.. like always . You help me be Maxon, I'll help you be Queen" he kissed my forehead and smiled at me. " Let's go to bed , it's getting cold and no one wants a runny nosed bride in wedding photos ."