I Am What I Am, A Natural Disaster

by Shuturfudge

Her thoughts jumble and tumble, they click together like odd matched puzzle pieces spilled across the dining room table, landing on one last never clicking piece. Would he still love me now? If things were different? Her vision flashes red as her head cracks open. and then Everything changes. (Peter/Bella New Moon AU)

1. And I am what I am,

Shark Attack by GroupLove

And I am what I am, a natural disaster

Pick me up at three, send me off to sea

And maybe I'll come back for you

See, I lost my clothes, I'm skinny-dipping

And I can't understand what I'm after

then

It starts like this. She's falling. Oh god, what did I do? Her body is quickly tumbling past the side of the cliff, one she's so stubbornly tossed herself off of. She raises her head to the sky, as she falls down a rabbit hole of her own digging. She isn't happy. Edward? Or scared. I never thought it would end like this. Or much of anything. Just numb. Everything fled when her second foot left the ground and her body started to tilt, started to sink, painting a mirage of passing colours to her human eyes. Right before she hits the water, her mind sticks to a thought, her 18th birthday, where her mind all too succinctly screams, WHAT IF THINGS WERE DIFFERENT? She wishes she had time to cry. What if HE had never left? She regrets jumping, she doesn't want to die. What if there was never any reason for him to leave at all? Her thoughts jumble and tumble, they click together like odd matched puzzle pieces spilled across the dining room table, landing on one last never clicking piece.

Would he still love me now? If things were different? Her vision flashes red as her head cracks open.

and then

Everything changes.

now

She could feel the void stare into her.

Cold.

Dark.

Empty.

Like hands clasping her neck and teeth at her pulse and being left in the forest crying, and daddy I have to leave and not you, never you, and Bella leave, Bella I don't need you anymore, and the world collapsing in front of her as she continues to orbit what is no longer there, what has died before she could even touch it, and reach out as the darkness is all encompassing in that moment, pounding at her heart screaming, it's too much, it's too much, IT'S TOO MUCH -

Then

Silence

Her body floats.

The void stares at her.

She stares back.

1

Her eyes flash open. Curious, she thinks. She's not on the beach where the cliffs climb up, and she definitely isn't drowning, unless of course, she is? This could all be a hallucination? Maybe I've died. She feels awfully comfortable in the thought of it, even though she wishes she hadn't ended her life so early, where else was there to go? It was hopeless. Zombie-Bella wasn't worth much of anything, so broken, so fundamentally shattered between heartbeats that death could only be considered mercy. Oddly enough, she didn't feel dead now. No, she felt more alive than ever.

She's in her truck. Highschool. Her highschool. It's right in front of her. Maybe this is hell? She wonders. The weather looks wrong, the sky and the trees look like the end of summer or the beginning of fall, where everything starts to die. Where all the colours turn orange and red and the leaves crack beneath leather boots. Well, where everywhere but Forks does at least, here it's evergreen, ever annoying, ever rainy, ever reminding me that I'm no longer in Arizona. It's not even that she loves Arizona, which she does, it's more that home will always be the sun and the sand, warmth stemming from the pavement and a tiny cactus on her windowsill. It's harder to be her, in a place so unlike herself. Not to say she's made much of a decision about anything in Forks. Especially in the last few months.

What's happening? She remembers jumping.

Remembers what happened when they left.

Remembers "I don't love you", and wolves racing through the forest, motorbikes purring, and Charlie waking her up in the dead of night. She remembers it all - half wishing she didn't - because it would be so much easier if she never did.

Edward. Him. Hers. Where is he?

She clenches her fists, digging her nails into her palms, careful not to cut half moon shapes. Careful not to spill blood. Because they might be back. The corners of her lips slowly raise. A near manic look widens her eyes. What if they haven't left yet? She's giddy. Electric at the ends of her fingertips.

She looks down at her outfit, then her phone, quickly checking the screen.

September 13th. It's her birthday. Her 18th birthday. I have a chance. He doesn't have to leave.

They're still here. She's starting to shake a bit. She wants to scream, to cry out into the world that all is not lost, that she's still with the boy she loves and he's still here for her and none of it has to change. Nothing has to change. She stiffens. Except everything.

He can't know. He can never know. Her mind jolts. And she knows, both deep inside her and at surface level with certainty spirally out every pore and breath, that if he knows he'll leave again. Because it's for my own good.

And

It will be like we never existed.

And

I'm no good for you.

You're no good for me.

If she was shattered before, she would be minced and burned into ash if it were to happen again. They might as well just kill her instead of leaving.

She knows that if they were to hear her story, they'll all wordlessly abandon her at the drop of a notion that he no longer wants her. Just like that.

Grow a backbone, Bella, her mind growls. She can do this. She knows she can do this.

"Edward?" She whispers to herself.

There's a tapping at the window. She flinches, phone flying into the air, slamming her back into the worn seat behind her. Head tilting up, eyes mooning, body stilling, she breathes out. Breathes in.

Edward. He's here and she loves him ever so much and she just wants to climb into his space and sew herself into him, so that wherever he goes, she'll go to, and her body is starting to become frantic, needing with all she has to reach out and touch and have him once again. She missed him. He can't leave.

"Bella? Love?" He smiles at her, all kind eyes, and copper hair flipping out at the ends. She opens the door, eyes not blinking, watching him like a predator and lover all in one, feet reaching the ground and then with all she is, pounces. Curling her hands around his cold and sturdy body, she tucks herself into him. He wraps his arms around her. It's colder than she remembered, but her body is warm.

Leaning his head down to her ear, he whispers just for her, "Happy Birthday Bella."

She wants ever so desperately to cry. She can already feel the tender wetness clouding at the bottom of her lashes. Her body is a glass of water beneath a leaky faucet, one drop away from spilling it all over.

"Thank you, Edward." She mumbles into his shoulder, refusing to let go.

When she feels his body start to pull away, she only clings harder. She knows he wants to ask her what's wrong, but she didn't know what she could even say besides she missed him. Not that she hasn't, but it was so much more than that. She feels like she's woken up in a dream.

"What's wrong, Love?" Edward tenderly asks.

She won't lie, she was never any good at lying anyways. "A bad dream. Or maybe this is the good dream. I don't think I care."

Behind him, she can see Them in front of their cars waiting. They're spectators, never changing ducks in a row, carved from stone, with a space made just for him as well, his family. She isn't sure if there's a space for her. If there ever was. But she knows, they were her family, once upon a time at least. She knows he'll think it's childish, hell, she THINKS it's childish, but she's not letting go. Not physically. She won't. Can't.

Distantly, she acknowledges that while he hasn't changed at all since the last time she's seen him, she's been changed fundamentally. If his insides are marble, then hers are a cocktail of bitter liquor and harsher truths topped with a fluorescent miniature umbrella. She's Bella 2.0. Bella+. Bella, 'something probably went horribly wrong at some point', Swan. She might be the slightest bit traumatised.

Hopefully he didn't notice. On the other hand, Bella didn't know if that was worse, him not noticing that her life has turned upside down since the last time he saw her, if he remained ignorant in knowing she wasn't the girl she was supposed to be, or him noticing and not wanting her.

She clings harder. Like a barnacle. No getting rid of me now, Edward. She stubbornly glares into cement.

Realising distantly that she's acting strange and that the whole family is now making their way towards her, she debates her next move. Should she do everything today the same, or change it all. She isn't sure she could replicate what happened before. It's been so long for her. But she could try.

Before the capital I Incident, the day hadn't gone poorly. Unless you count her hatred of birthday parties or attention or gifts she had asked specifically not for, but that was how family is, she tells herself. Even if she didn't want them to celebrate and care, they would. They're semi-obligated to do so. Not to discount the fact that birthdays are an opportunity for them to live vicariously through her, because that was a part of it, adding to the fact that Alice just liked to plan parties. The party was at least half about her, and half about them, not meaning they loved her less. Or she, them.

Well, she's pretty sure. At least 70%. Considering her last moment flying through the air, she's lived through worse odds.

Looking at the group now, staring at her in question, she wonders if she should say something soon. Probably. They're immortal after all, they could wait a bit. But I couldn't.

Her body starts to shake. She clings. She can hear Edward talking. She finds this unimportant. She hears Jasper start to speak, breaking her focus, because really, Jasper didn't know her at all, so what was there to say? She didn't even think he cared. Not beyond anything she meant to Alice or family obligations or even just the fact she was a liability. She had thought it odd the last time that they left her with trust that she would never spill their secrets.

She tilts her head up, raising her eyebrows, glaring with all she has, at the blonde man in front of her. She doesn't even stop to listen, simply dismissing him with a shake of her head, before burying herself back into her current man-statue.

One more second. Okay.

She lets go, grabbing her bag, walking off to class. She's good now. She's okay. It's okay. Now today could continue as usual. Usual-ish. Whatever, she dismisses.

She could feel Edward following her. A small part of her acknowledging that the rest were following too. She had missed them as much as Edward in a different way. Even Rosalie. Was that rude to say? Moments like this, the petty young ones, she was glad Edward couldn't listen. He would loathe it, find her childish in all the ways she really was. Nothing like jumping off a cliff to realise you have room for growth.

A lot of room for growth. If I pushed more, told him everything I needed and wanted and understood, how would he explain leaving. It was certainly an option. I wouldn't be pushed around this time. I couldn't take it. Needed to be stronger.

I wished I didn't have to be. It hurt - that for him - I would have to be.

But I loved him. Love him.

She can tell that he's already brushed off the incident by lunch period. Option B it is, he hasn't noticed I've changed. Or if he has, he doesn't care enough to bring it up. It's the usual meal time ballet of shoving their food from one side of the plate to the next, the same disgusted flashes appearing on their face one after the next when they look too close at the cafeteria's mystery meat. Bella questions its integrity. For fucks sake, it's orange. Did meat even do orange? Rosalie's single apple aesthetic is the only break from the monotony of steel trays at the table.

The only person at the table who actually appears happy is Alice. She's stuck in a grey area between, bursting into giggles, and dissociating visions, that draws the conclusion from the student body that she's either bipolar or has undiagnosed ADHD. Can Vampires even get ADHD?

Squinting at the girl, Bella landed on, yes, they could.

She was surprised at the way the others were treating her today. She had remembered today being like a piece of theatre where nobody had bothered to give her the lines, but for the most part, it was quiet.

Jasper's starting to look twitchy already. Why hasn't he hunted?

By the time the bell rang, she'd nearly forgotten the thought.

Edward grabs her hand with a smile, but her head is lost in the clouds.

How am I going to get through tonight?

I have to get Jasper alone, or at least talk to him. One on one. Ish. As one on one as you could get in a mini mansion of vampires.

She's just reaching towards the door, Edward hovering closely behind her, when Esme opens the door with a bright smile.

Maybe I should get Alice alone and ask about her visions - maybe this is something similar?

The bottom floor is decorated to the nines, with cascading frills adorned between rising candle sticks flooding the room with their warm light. It's ironic to celebrate a human ageing in a vampire's house filled with their own demise- like the balance between life and death is being argued in the sky by beings far older than the ones surrounding her at present. Something about it is hilarious in a don't ask, don't tell way. She doesn't think Edward would appreciate the sentiment in the same way. Not to say he wouldn't find it funny and morbid, knowing him he definitely would, but his humour has always been layered under such a thick layer of self loathing that it was hard to know if he found something funny in a positive way or merely a way that made him hate himself so much more. It's hard being with someone who despises their existence. Isn't there that quote about loving yourself before you love someone else? Maybe she should try that.

"Presents, Bella!" Alice chirps, fluttering down the stairs into the scene she had hand sewn.

Bella takes a step back, careful neither to trip nor bump into Edward, who still looms in her shadow.

"Alice?" Bella hestinantly presses.

Alice blinks, staring out into the distance and then quickly back at Bella in confusion. She says nothing, already knowing Bella's next request.

"Can I speak to Jasper?"

The family stares unblinking at each other. Even Alice looks surprised somehow. Jasper's gaze is narrowed at his wives in confusion. She didn't know if it's an 'analysing her emotions' thing, or a 'Alice tell me if deciding to speak to her means my teeth in her neck' type thing, or even a combination of them both. Regardless, the unapproachable warrior looks a bit insecure and unsure of his footing at that moment. Hesitantly, Alice throws him a forced smile.

At Alice's okay, Bella speed walks over to Jasper, grabbing his shirt as tightly as possible, right above his unbeating heart, and drags him out the door. She knows she could never get him to move without him choosing to as well, but it's like a Shakespearean tragedy in their house, where all the roles have been prescribed and dealt with, before the scene is even written. Before the scene is even thought of. Jasper plays the human. Normally really poorly but there is an attempt. Which means Jasper is a good sport in this instance, and allows Bella her own self delusional sense of power, as she pulls him away.

Once they get out to the forest line, she stops, knowing the rest of the family can still hear them for the most part, but unwilling to go so far into the greenery that if he slipped and bit her she couldn't still be saved.

Jaspers staring at her likes she's been dropped on the head at some point between their last meetings. She wonders what emotions he must be feeling from her. That explains the look of pain now in his eyes. Or maybe he really wants to drain me. Better get this over with quickly.

"Jasper." She states simply.

"Major Jasper Whitlock, at your service, m'am." He kindly nods his head.

She wonders why he allows this, if it's for the family, her, or his own curiosity. At the best of times, Jasper is a conundrum. Major? I'll have to ask later. After all those years alive, it does make sense to be a complicated person. "When was the last time you hunted?"

His eye brows knit together. "You isolate yourself in the forest, to question if a vampire, one who eats people, is hungry?"

"Well, you don't typically eat people, but yes, I guess I did." Maybe on second thought, this was a very dumb idea. I can almost see Emmett cracking up from inside. I'm never going to live this down if I survive.

"I have in the past." He doesn't extrapolate on this, but she gets what he's saying. It would be hard not to. He doesn't seem angry or anything about the conversation yet, only confused and full of a near childish glee in the way his mouth keeps twitching up suppressing a smile. She's pretty sure he thinks of her like a pet cat trying to eat someone's fish off their plate, only to pat them on the head saying, "Oh Butterball, this isn't kitty food.". Or more likely, oh Bella, you silly human, how would you know if I was going to try and eat you. But I do know. I know all too well what's about to happen. It's not like I've changed much of anything today since I got out of the car and had a brief lapse of sanity.

"Okay, cool, whatever," she catches her breath as each word jumbles off her lips, "But wouldn't it be great if you hunt right now? Isn't it bear season? Ummm, yeah would that be fun? Better than a silly little party for a human, right?" She's getting a bit desperate at this point. He should just take the hint. Maybe I could uninvite him from the party? He does try to eat her. Seems fair.

"You're a strange human." Stating the obvious because it's ever so helpful. He still seems amused.

"What if I uninvite you from my party?"

His eyebrows raise, his twitching mouth now a grown smile in rosy blossom, as his eyes owl out into full moons. Would it be harder or easier to surprise a psychic's husband? Oddly enough, I'm a bit proud I caught him off balance.

"Do you not like me, Bella?" He asks with full knowledge she sees him with a vague sense of brotherly affection. He's an empath. How could he possibly NOT know how I feel about him?

"Ummm, yes, I hate you, now go hunt?" She lies in a horrible lying voice, only getting worse as his expression somehow becomes even more amused.

"Whatever you're trying to do, you're very bad at it, you know that right?" He giddily questions. She wishes she could punch him without breaking her hand.

"Yeah," she sighs, "I know."

"But you need me to leave?"

"Or just," her hand motions vaguely out, "eat Thumper or Bambi or something."

"Because-?" He edges out.

Her upper teeth dig into her plush lower lip. She crosses her arms at her chest, half because it's cold and half because she has absolutely no idea what to say in response.

"I just know stuff."

At this sentence his whole demeanour changes. His gaze now burns into her own, as his eyebrows tilt into question and his body seems stuck between wanting to run in exasperation or shake her by her shoulders. He shudders. "No. I'm not dealing with two of them." He says under his breath, so quietly she nearly doesn't hear him, over the soundtrack of forest noises and wind surrounding them. But she does hear it. She wonders if he wanted her to, or if he's so used to playing human that it slips into his normal habits.

"Who?" She questions quickly. "Who knows stuff? Alice? No." If it was Alice, he wouldn't use the word dealing. "Tell me." She's oddly assured in her questioning. Or at least, she isn't scared of him. More scared of what he might say. Somebody might know what's happening. Alice surely doesn't. But somebody might. So far, this has all been so strange.

He's looking at her like she's lost the plot. Not an inaccurate assessment. It only stings a little. "Somebody you don't know."

"But you do." She offers back.

"Yes, he's an old friend of mine."

"But you won't say more?"

He tosses his gaze back to the forest, crossing his arms near petulantly. Truly, she gets it. Feels the same way. This conversation is a disaster. She could always make a vow of silence like one of those monks. Things would go better for her if she did.

"Well, you're officially uninvited from my 18th birthday party."

His head snaps back to her. Oddly enough, he looks a little hurt.

"It's in MY house."

"Hmmm, that's sad. Try again next year."

He groans. Finally quitting this charade. "I don't know what you're up to, but I doubt it will go well."

"It normally doesn't." She says, both referring to her existence in general and what happened last time this party was forced into her life.

She thinks he might offer her a 'good luck Bella', or even a nod of acceptance, but one second he's there and the next he's gone. He's left and she's alone. Again. I did ask him to leave.

She remembers standing in the forest after Edward left. It was cold. Remember how much it hurt. The air filled with frigid tension as she screamed his name. Still hurts. Her heart was torn out. Buried beneath the dirt she stood. God it hurts. Anything for that not to happen again. She makes her way back to the house, she's accomplished what she's wanted, it's time to see if it fixed the problem.

Somehow, she doubts it.

By the time she gets back to the house, the whole family has accumulated in the living room, their faces painted in false smiles worn meticulously just for her. She isn't sure if she's supposed to feel happy about it. Happy they're pretending to be happy. What's the point?

"Hey guys." She dumbly greets, the words leaving her mouth without permission.

Alice appears in front of her, the human facade forgotten for a moment. She knows Alice wants to ask. Just as she knows Alice saw, but with so little context for Bella's own actions, it's almost as if she hadn't seen anything at all. But if Alice knows, then Edward does as well. Just as the thought appears, it's out of her mouth unwillingly.

"How do you do it?" She realises she never made the decision to speak her words. Realises that Alice doesn't know how this conversation will go. She's just as lost as Bella as the words pour out.

"Do what?" There's an edge of knowing in the tilt of her words.

"Everything that you see, he sees, it's worse than just thoughts, it's everything, so how do you do it?" While he's never read my thoughts. He knows my decisions well enough through Alice.

"I don't really have a choice, Bella." She tells her softly. "Why'd you send Jasper away?" Alice doesn't sound mad. She isn't acting upset either, merely curious in the way only Alice can be. It's more of a whimsical curiosity than need within her questions.

"I had a funny feeling." While the words don't seem to affect the others, besides Rosalie's bitter scoff, Alice twitches as her words. Edward does as well, more at Alice's actions than Bella's. Trying to salvage the situation she continues, "So I was thinking instead of presents, we could do cake first?" This has to go differently. "The resident human is getting hungry, guys." Please Emmett say something stupid and everyone will forget this happened. For the most part at least. "What would I have to do to get you to eat some too, Brother Bear?"

Emmett smirks, "For you Jingle Bells, hmmmm." A devious smirk crosses his face. "Let me take you surfing."

Bella groans playfully, the scene is back in action. "You just want to see me fall!"

"Maybe so, Belly, maybe so." She can tell he's about to break into a diabolical laugh or rub his hands evilly, when Rosalie interjects.

"The human will just end up being eaten by a shark." Though Emmett looks upset for a moment, Bella quickly stops the line of thought with a, "AND THEN EMMETT CAN EAT THE SHARK, free sushi, am I right?" I'm starting to feel a bit manic, can't these people just agree and there won't be any attempted murder?

She walks off to the kitchen, not stopping to see if she's followed once again, if I stop, I'll question it all; I have to keep moving, can't think; In the kitchen, Bella finds the elegant cake placed perfectly on the unscratched marble countertop. It's almost as if she's in a meticulously planned movie, where the set designer has gone to the effort of highlighting the cake through colour and lighting and furniture and everything anyone could possibly think of, just to point their eyes to this cake. The audience is at the edge of their seats when this cake shows up on screen. She could almost call it magical. Destined. A cake with the power to change the future. Her heart lightens. Maybe it will.

"Emmett, come on, it's cake time." She refuses to stop. She simply can't.

Pulling a knife to cut it out from the second drawer on the right, she makes her way back to the delicious treat, an ease flowing through her limbs. She feels right. Juste. Sure. I've fixed it. I know it. I just have to cut the cake, a big enough piece to make Emmett squeal, she decides.

She lowers the knife, still smiling.

Oh.

"Bella NO." Alice shrieks.

Edward?

"Stop HIM."

Oh.

"Get HIM."

He's going to kill me, isn't he? She looks at the tiny nick of her finger. Can hear the house being torn apart, can hear him get closer, can see him leaping at her. Oh dear.

"Edward?"

The puzzle piece clicks. Doesn't fit. Unclicks.

Everything changes.

2

He killed me, didn't he? And he was doing so well around my blood too. She's almost surprised it wasn't Jasper, as he was there, eyes probably black and desperate, just as able bodied and hungry as her boyfriend. At the same time, she didn't feel surprised at all.

She looks around, once again facing her mediocre highschool, in her shitty truck, with her phone at her side, and her lungs hyperventilating. In. and. Out. She feels a stinging. Not burning. Not the change, no, but a slight pain, buzzing at the edges of her renewed consciousness. Raising her hand to her vulnerable neck in caution, like he really might have taken a chunk of her without her knowing, she feels the hot crimson of her humanity crying down her finger. The nick? She was still hurt. Just a little. So my body stays the same? She squints down at her finger, so confused, she nearly double-takes. There is no blood. Her finger, while obviously cut at some point, bears no blood. The cut looks at least a day old and clean. How peculiar.

Humanity. Everything she is. Warm and gushing and burning, as it slides down her finger. She imagines herself as a vampire. Though she knows they cannot bleed, she remembers the colour of venom, iridescent and silver. Immortality, pure like silver, juxtaposed with the red of her blush. Of her still beating heart.

I wish I was silver.

She looks around, waiting for him to start tapping at her window again. She knows it's the same day. Her head aches, knowing nothing will change, unless she wills it so. Reaching into her glove compartment, she pulls a box of dinosaur themed band aids out; it's not my fault the bandaids on sale had little brachiosaurus on them, it's hardly my fault I go through so many; she carefully applies them. They're wrapped tight enough that the smell, if there is any, shouldn't be exposed to the air. She hopes so, at least.

What should I do? I can't open presents. I can't cut the cake. I can't. . .maybe there should be no party? Banning Jasper was a start, but I could ban them all? Ask Alice to cancel? I could tell her I want a night in with the family before she's even started on the decorations. Her thoughts pause. There's no tapping at the window this time. Edward still hasn't shown up?

She opens her door, feet jolting on cement, as she casts her gaze towards the Cullens. Rosalie, Emmett, Alice, Jasper, Edward. Ducks in a row. In Bella's eyes, they look like a statue garden. Beautiful. Carved from stone. So ever-immortal while she is faced with the reality that she is so ever-not. Time loop or not. She's only human.

She decides to go to class and act normal. She can pull Alice aside and ask for a quiet evening. She'll tell her that Alice can choose nightgowns and button down sleep wear in silk, they can have a slumber party, just be sisters, she'll love it. NO, NOT PARTY. Slumber. . . night. Yeah. Sure.

She nods at Edward, non verbally asking, come here.

He smiles at her. Eyes dark. She tenses. Time to play.

18th birthday number 3, here we go.

Right before lunch starts, she pulls Alice aside. Jasper behind her, as he always does, with an intense glaze to his eyes. If she didn't know better, she would think he was in an Alice-like vision. Or, he could be asking the question of the hour, what's Bella feeling today? Well, I don't know Jasper, I might be going insane. Oh don't worry, at least I'm the only human you don't have to worry about killing me permanently. Apparently, with me, it doesn't stick. Isn't that funny Jasper. Jasper's eyebrows knit once again, his eyes owling, lips halfway between twitching and frowning, while next to him, Alice continues to shake in her very Alice way. It's refreshing that some things don't change.

"Alice?" Bella shifts her weight between legs. Back and forth. Uneasy. Please let this work.

"Bella." Alice cheekily returns.

"What if we had a slumber party instead of a regular party? We could do a girls night." The end of her sentence twists with uncertainty. Alice gives her a cheshire smile.

Bella gives her more incentive, "We could even play Bella Barbie?" Take the bait, little fishy. C'mon.

Alice is starting to shake like a pack of mint mentos dropped in a diet coke. Jasper's questioning look fades. Eyebrows un-scrunching. Eyes going back to their typical pained squint.

"Oh Bella! This is going to be great, I have nightgowns, oh you have a beautiful lavender one and we can paint each others nails and do our hair, well I can do yours and then we can watch romantic comedies and you can order pizza and-"

Bella's hands clasp the pixies shoulders, "Alice. Stop shaking. All is good. Breathe."

The two vampires in front of her throw her an amused look.

"So…you're in?" She presses.

The answering smirk is all she needs to know.

The cake looks the same. She told Edward that she needed space and strangely enough, that's all he needed to avoid tonight. Maybe he doesn't like me ageing either.

While all of the decorations and flourishes that house had taken on last time are gone, in the kitchen, the same red velvet cake sits untouched. Fuck that cake. She's tempted to destroy it, throw it against the wall and scream. The cake would certainly deserve it. Is it funny or sad that a blood red cake destroyed my life? Something about having your cake and eating it too…

"Are you alright? Bella?" A masculine, yet lyrical, voice breaks her focus. Carlisle. It's good that it's Carlisle. He's on my 'hasn't tried to eat me' list. The list HAS been getting pretty damn exclusive lately. Somehow, even Carlisle 'I can do open heart surgery' Cullen gives me the feeling that he's not beyond eating me. It's not that I'm scared of him, being scared of Carlisle is an oxymoron, but my current luck has gotten to the point where trusting Carlisle is a grey area.

"Carlisle." She dips her chin in greeting. "What brings you to the kitchen? Getting a snack?"

He opens his mouth to say something, stops at her last sentence, opens it again, closes it, squints, and finally asks, "Happy birthday?" Cool, not commenting on the whole, eating people thing. Figures, it's Carlisle.

"Yes, I think it will be." She returns to focus on the cake, like it might just have all the solutions to the world's problems. It's a 'stopping world hunger' cake. A 'destroy your life happily' cake. If mythological creatures like vampires are real, the cake could plausibly be something supernatural. It could be a celtic Puka, a being of both luck and misfortune. Or it could have a fairy hiding at the centre surrounded by the saltiness of the cake, trapped, ready to fight once free. Maybe it's related to Alice, she could definitely be part fairy. It could plausibly be ANYTHING. And it probably hates me. Well fuck you too cake, I hate you more. She realises Carlisle has said something while lost in her own thoughts. She knows he's talking to her, but it just feels like the trumpet noises the adults have in Peanut comics, where everything out of their mouths is a facsimile of the real thing. She feels as if they're not words at all. Placeholders that work just as well for the audience's pleasure.

"Carlisle," she asks, remembering Carlisle is ancient enough to probably know something, "Do you know anyone who knows stuff?"

Do you know anyone who knows stuff? I'm an idiot. Wow. Just wow. Great Bella.

Carlisle smiles at her, teeth a little too white and straight, "Well, Edward 'knows' stuff. What people think. You could also say Alice and Jasper 'know' stuff, for the same reason. But in terms of knowing history or major events, I could pinpoint a few names that have truly lived long enough to owe the proper title of 'stuff' knower. Aro, of the Volturi, would know the most of anyone I've ever been acquainted with."

"Volturi?" She pronounces each letter slowly, feeling them slip off her tongue. She doesn't think she likes it. It feels big within her head. Heavy. Weighing on her already. But it could be very helpful.

"The rulers of the vampire kind, residing in Italy from their castle situated in Volterra. Caius, Marcus, and Aro, three kings, ruling over us all. When I was much younger, I spent time with them, learning their ways and observing. Aro, above all else, knows more than anyone walking this Earth at current. He's gifted, you see. Aro was born with the ability to see memories, life times really, through touch. For Aro, to touch you would mean, every thought, action, dream, moment of your life, he would know from your own perspective. If there was a king of 'stuff knowing', he would be it."

She blinks, a bit overwhelmed, at him. While that's certainly not what's happening to me, he might have seen something before like it. He's on the backburner. I doubt any good would come from them knowing that I've learnt of their existence. But if something horrible were to happen, at least they're in charge of overseeing it all.

"What about time?" She doesn't want to admit everything to him. She isn't sure why. There's a hot poker feeling in her stomach when she thinks about telling him. Even opening her mouth feels strange. If he hadn't thought I'd lost it before…

"Alice is the only being I've met with knowledge of time." He pauses, eyes flickering towards the cake, "Arguably, Alistair could as well."

She leans forward. What a strange name. He must be old. "Whose Alistair?"

Eyes remaining on the cake, tone oddly nostalgic, "An old friend", he tells her. Simple. Nothing else to add.

They're both staring at the cake now. Mesmerised within the red of its skin. There's almost a reflection, if she squints.

She feels werry. Tired. It's all so much. I just wish they had never left in the first place.

"Carlisle, what would you do if you woke up lost in the world?"

He doesn't pause long, only taking the length of a human's breath to offer her, "I would find someone who makes it worth it."

She thinks he sounds sad. Like he knows.

It's not that helpful, though.

Bella groans into her arms, all but collapsing on top of the marble. The kitchen sinks into silence.

Carlisle clears his throat. "Have you hit your head today, Isabella?" he asks, not unkindly.

That WOULD be something that would happen today, wouldn't it.

Quickly she raises, hands already flaring into the air. "Oh! No, no, I just had a silly dream. Chasing white rabbits and all that." She can't remember if she told Edward the same today, or if it was yesterday, or maybe she never said it at all.

He clears his throat. She flinches, ever so slightly. He must be so used to playing human. It would be hell at times - to reject your nature so thoroughly. "If you're certain."

"Bella! Get up here!" Alice shouts. Bella lifts her head towards the ceiling, a shy look crossing her face. She hasn't the foggiest clue where Edward's gone, if he's even in the house at all. At the moment, she thinks it doesn't quite matter.

She makes her excuses, eager to speak to Alice, "Ah - I should probably."

Carlisle nods, the corners of his eyes almost wrinkling, "Have a happy birthday Bella." If he was human, she rather thinks they would. His face is too distinguished not to have smile lines at the corners of his eyes.

She climbs the stairs. Hands sliding up on the railing as she makes her way up. Round two questioning Jasper and Alice. Let's go.

When she gets to their room, she pushes through without knocking.

The room hasn't changed since she's last seen it, a recurring theme within their family and their house. At one end of the room, a huge window takes up the space between ceiling and floor board, so large it appears more a hole in the wall than a window at all. The bed is off white, with tassels at the ends and a slight southern pattern embroidered in the same colour. The vanity at one side of the room is large and wooden, looking like something taken more out of a dream than a catalogue. At the other end of the room, a large bookcase stands, its harsh silhouette softened by a few photos of the couple within its shelves. She imagines what it looks like in the morning, like streaming though, nestled within the cocoon they've created together. She tries to imagine what this would look like with Edward. What forever could look like.

It's funny, she always imagined the room would just have Alice's influence in it, but just as steadily she can find Jasper.

Where Jasper is dressed in the same outfit as he wore earlier to school, standing in the corner of the room with soft eyes fixed on his girl, Alice has already changed into something more fitting for a slumber party as she flits around the space in preparation. Bella doesn't hate the nightgown, especially not on Alice. It's a soft baby blue colour, complimenting her eyes spectacularly. Even knowing nothing about fashion, she can tell this is perfect for Alice. It's simple too. She doesn't feel as worried about playing Bella Barbie tonight. Truly, it's the least of her problems this evening.

I wish I had what they had. The way they look at each other. It's as simple as breathing. It's not like Edward, Jasper really sees Alice. It isn't possessive or claiming, just easy and accepting. They're puzzle pieces in a world of 1000 pieces turned over and set on fire and stomped on cruelly after they tell the other puzzle pieces that they're only puzzle pieces, Bella, they'll forget all about it like -

Jasper catches her eyes in question. Oops. Vaguely, she realises she's been staring at Alice with longing. Hopefully, he doesn't think she's a lesbian? But knowing her luck…

She's getting nervous. Why isn't it ever the whole vampire thing that freaks her out, but normal drama stuff? Bets are she WAS dropped on the head as a child. It would make an awful amount of sense.

Or her brain cells can run upside down? There's definitely something fundamentally broken up there.

"So, guys, friends, aha, know anyone who knows stuff?" Her voice cracks at the end. God damn it.

"What?" Alice asks in fascination.

"What stuff?" Jasper catches on quickly.

"Just you know, stuff. Knows stuff." Bella miserably explains.

Alice pulls her hand through her hair, untangling the strands absentmindedly, "Why do you ask?"

Bella twitches. Stuttering, "Curiosity. Curiosity, obviously. I mean, I don't know stuff. I mean your world is so big and complicated so, you know, I'm sure some people know stuff."

She can almost hear crickets chirping from the background, the sound broken by Alice sighing.

Note to self: learn how to lie.

"Bella, I can see the future."

"Knows other stuff." Bella cuts in.

From the corner, Jasper moans in exasperation, the palms of his hands burying into his eye sockets.

"You sound just like him. Minus the girly voice and stuttering and horrible lying, of course."

Bella straightens. Yes, continue on Jasper.

"Who? I ask out of curiosity." Bella asks. Out of curiosity, honestly. Nothing to see here folks.

Jasper shakes his head, "My brother -"

Maybe Jaspers actually stupid. Second plan. Arrow? Abe? Abo? Does the Volturi have a Facebook?

"Edward? No - I mean I'm sure he knows something - but like something else. Somebody who knows stuff not like, reads people's minds."

God no, not Edward. What would he even say about any of this?

Jasper speaks louder, "No my other -"

While Edward definitely doesn't know, who in the ever loving fuck, would bet on Emmett?

"EMMETT? Doubt. Strong doubt that boy knows stuff."

Idiot.

Jasper's voice edges on a yell, "Boy? You're only -"

I know he doesn't remember death number 2, but really?

"I could get him to eat cake if I go surfing with him. Jasper, he would spend all night throwing up, and all I have to do is get on the board. Why in the world would you think that boys got it figured out?"

Alice speaks up, "Bella, that didn't happen?"

Bella smiles at her pointedly, "But it would."

It did.

Not at all quietly, Jasper continues, "Peter. My brother's name is Peter."

Peter. Peter Peter pumpkin eater. I think I like it.

Bella lets out a petulant snort, "Like the immortal little boy who flies around kidnapping girls?"

She almost feels bad that Jasper is tasked with dealing with her. Keyword: almost.

With a helpful nod, Alice adds, "That's really not the plot to that movie."

Ever the peacekeeper, Jasper attempts to bring sanity back to the conversation. In a room with Alice. And me. Hopeless, utterly hopeless.

"Alice - no, no, Bella, what do you know about my upbringing?"

Don't say it Bella, don't say it.

"Blond?"

Wrong answer.

Alice sighs, just wanting the slumber party to start already, "Jasper, are you manipulating her emotions right now? She's being weirder than usual." Wow, thanks Alice.

Bella snorts, "And that's coming from you."

"I KNOW."

Get back on track Bella. Know. Knowing stuff. Peter.

"Wait 'know', okay, what does Peter know?"

Crossing his legs slightly as he leans against the wall, he continues, "I can't really explain it, he just 'knows' stuff."

Maybe it's a cover for doing what I'm doing? Or maybe it's rewinding or going forward on a different scale? Even if his gift was just intuition - he could KNOW what's happening to me. He could fix this. Maybe. Or at least offer something salvageable.

"Yes! That! I could kiss you right now if you wouldn't eat me and be my best friend's husband and I didn't really not want to be too close to your face because your glare really freaks me out and - "

Alice is at her wits end, "Bella!"

Bella urges on, "Oh god Jasper, sorry I'm sure you're a lovely kisser or whatever Alice, but where is he? Can I talk to him? Can I meet him?"

His eyes are focused. Intense.

"Why do you want to meet Peter so badly?" He demands.

"For stuff." Bella responds dumbly.

"Stuff?" Jasper presses on.

"And reasons." Bella forcibly smiles.

"What reasons?" Alice pouts.

Bella makes an aggravated noise, moving her hands frantically as she blurts out, "Reasons concerning the stuff."

Jasper isn't deterred, "What-"

Not helpful. C'mon Bella. Let's get somewhere with this. No telling if there's a time limit to my power. "Where is he? Who's he with? Can I speak to him?"

Jasper gives up, accepting that Bella makes less than perfect sense and won't drop this until he responds, "Well last I heard he was in Montana at his ranch, his companion Charlotte had recently found her mate in California I think, so he's alone, and, wait, really Bella, why would you want to talk to Peter? If you needed Peter, he would reach out. Strange enough, I'm quite sure of it."

"So Peter knows stuff? To clarify." Bella clarifies.

"Yes?" Jasper asks. The poor man looks to be on the brink of a mental collapse.

Bella twitches, "Can you give me an example? Of knowing stuff?"

Jasper's voice softens. If Bella didn't know better, she would think he's exhausted. His posture, while stiff, seems to deflate.

"I can't see any harm, I mean, you're being weird, but I'll just assume Edward made you lose your mind after another humanity argument and this is all a manic episode. On the night Peter woke up, I almost died. He saved my life, one of those the wrong place, wrong time type situations and all. My sire Maria, she was leading a group of newborns in the south, fighting for territory, fighting for humans, even fighting with and against her sisters. At that time, primarily, it was her sister Nettie. Well, when Peter woke up, his first words weren't about burning or my scars, not about blood or hunger, he just simply told me, if you take the north path tonight, she'll kill you. So I sent a scout out and what do you know? Fucker died. Ambushed. Peter was right. He was a newborn, hungry and messy, but that part of him that knew stuff, stayed mellow. He's not prophetic, doesn't see visions or anything like that, trust me I've asked, he's just Peter. According to him he doesn't even have a gift."

So, intuition? I can work with that. "Know. Stuff."

Quite done with the conversation, Jasper tries to wrap it up, "Yup, he just knows stuff. According to him at least. Now are you going to be honest about this line of questioning."

Unhelpfully, Bella offers no enlightenment, "Mmmmm, no, I'm good, thanks. Does he have a number?"

Alice giggles, "Why, tryna chat him up?" she teases, before flying out of the room happily enough.

Bella looks at the closing door, wondering where Alice has run off to, before turning back to Jasper.

"Yes. Immediately. Calm down, Major. Does he have a number?" Her voice is amused.

The man jolts, suddenly genuinely concerned.

"How'd you know?" He questions sharply.

Bella sighs, "I don't. Can you give me-"

"You called me Major." He interrupts.

Bella moans, wanting to get back on track, "You told me."

"No, Bella, I didn't." He's mostly curious, but there's an edge of uncomfortableness clinging to the words.

Find an excuse Bella. "Okay fine, somebody else did."

"Did they really?" Jasper asks disbelief pouring out from his inflection. I could see his line of thinking, Edward would know about it due to his gift and Alice would know because they're together, but it didn't seem like the rest would. Further, Edward never spoke about Jasper. Ever. And I doubt Alice would spill his secrets.

"Sure, does it matter? Does your brother have a numero? Some digits? Somewhere I can send a carrier pigeon? The other side of a can with a string attached? Really Jasper, c'mon, give me something." I wish I could shake the man. I could always throw something hard at his head.

"Strange human." Really helpful, Jasper.

"Not that. Something helpful." She demands.

Alice flys back up stairs, a wide smile on her face, as her hair floats back down to her forehead from the force of her run.

Alice laughs, glee in her words, "Jasper doesn't tell you anything. Who cares! It's your birthday. Let's celebrate. And look, the pizzas here! Ready for nightgowns and Chris Evans?"

I wonder why she came back upstairs if the pizzas were here. Oh, she probably doesn't want the smell in their room. Back to the evil kitchen it is. I swear, I'm going to smash that cake.

"Yeah, just let me grab some pizza, find me something long, not too sexy." Bella tells her.

Alice's voice is snarky, "Wouldn't wanna make me look bad?"

Bella chokes on a laugh, "Yeah," she huffs out an amused breath, "yeah Alice, that's it. Because I compete with your looks so well. You're hilarious." In response, Alice only sighs, a look of concern coating her features.

Alice burrows her head into the side of Jasper's chest. They're so in love it hurts sometimes. It's not jealousy, or maybe it is, just, is it wrong to want that? "I wish you wouldn't put yourself down so much, Bella."

Rolling her eyes, Bella turns around, "I know, just, let me get the pizza. Girls gotta hunt, I'll be right back."

Little miss self help steadies on, "You're gorgeous Bella and we all love you! No negative vibes on your birthday!"

Cackling, Bella's already out the door, an ease to her shoulders. For once, I feel like I have this.

Tossing her hair over her shoulder and turning slightly to Alice at the door, she teasingly tells her, "If I'm gorgeous, Alice, then you're lickable." Humour laces into her words, "Jasper, I'm just saying, if things didn't work out between the two of you, she'd have someone there to keep her warm all night."

Alice looks disbelieving while Jasper maintains his distant curiosity. No, more focused and amused? A very Jasper look.

"I'll keep that in mind, tiger." Jasper drawls.

By the time she reaches the stairs, she's yelling back, "Why? Because I like pus -"

Falling.

My shoelaces?

They're caught.

What a way to come out bisexual, sucks I have to die and stuff.

The puzzle pieces click. Unclick.

Things change.

3

"-SY!" she continues with a nervous shout. She died. Again. Or, almost died. Had a very near and impending death. Regardless of what went down, she's back in the truck.

I'm going to get his number this time. And talk to Edward. Carlisle told me to find someone if I was lost, someone who could make it better, maybe he's the one? We've gone through so much together already. Okay, okay, priorities, talk to Edward, I could get him to help me with Peter's number? Jasper obviously doesn't want me to have it, so maybe I could ask and Edward could take it from his thoughts? Changing my shoes into ones without laces might help with the stairs…that's definitely going on the to do list. Okay, I got this. No more dying. Last round.

She remembers the Cullens standing across the parking lot as usual, and the statue garden was still there, so all she had to do was whisper for him to come. Like a well trained dog. Which is silly, she feels like a tamed pet, most of the time.

Speak, Bella! I want to be like you, change me, please.

Roll over, Bella! No it's okay, just don't go. I'll do anything, just don't leave.

Sit, Bella! I lay on the forest floor all alone. He's left.

Play dead, Bella! They're all gone.

Pet Bella. Bella always was a dog's name. According to her aunt, who was never much of an aunt but Reneé's best friend Lila, almost all of the retrievers that visit the vet she works at are named Bella. Reneé threw a fit when she heard. Starting something worse. It was part of Reneé's ongoing, let me call you Izzy or Isa or Bell or something more millennial cool crusade. Because Reneé is so very 'millennial cool'. Which is hilarious, seeing as Reneé started the whole Bella thing in the first place. It fits her though. Two whole syllables for a two whole thoughts type of gal.

And it is fun to correct people when they say your name. Is that petty? Feels petty.

Okay, back to the real world. Full of vampires and werewolves. Extremely real. Sure.

Last time she had only said his name. Flickering her eyes to her fingers, she realises something strange. The dinosaur band aid is gone. But the wound itself is mostly healed. Time works differently here.

It's a scary thought. Presumably, if she has a fatal accident, there will be no going back. Her body stays the same. She…she ages. If I don't figure this out, it could be years trapped in a cycle. My hair could turn SILVER. Oh god, I could get wrinkles. Okay, limiting this to 600 loops, if it takes longer than that, I'll summon a demon.

This is all so bizarre.

I wonder what it looks like for my body to take over the older one without changing clothes. Must be strange.

"Edward?" she asks hesitantly, into the empty air. She feels like a little girl asking her father for permission.

Just like the first loop she asked, he arrives promptly at her window.

He smiles sweetly at her, "Yes, my love? Happy birthday, my Bella."

Bella twitches, please let this work, "Can we talk? Away from prying ears, I mean?"

A sense of comprehension washes across his face. He looks stiff. Not unhappy, just, less human. "Of course. The woods?" He tries to reassure her with a wilting smile. I almost feel bad - but I'm just asking for help. He's the one being odd.

She sighs, unsure, "Can they hear from there?"

Her hand touches the door handle as he swings her door out for her. I had that. Rolling her eyes, she gets out, setting towards the forest. He advances past her. She follows. The air is tense. Whatever this is, this isn't what I wanted.

Edward continues, voice carrying through the bitter air, "We can go deep enough that it won't be a problem." He turns to her, hands reaching out.

She giggles, feeling nostalgic as the bad energy from before stills for a moment, "You just want to carry me, don't you?"

It feels like it did before. When everything was better.

He quickly lifts her, body robotic and well practised in the movement, "That's just a perk, Bella. It's your birthday, I need you close." I need you close to me.

The nice moment ends. Please believe me.

"Let's just go."

Suddenly, the forest is flying past her. The nausea of travelling this way hits her hard. Her body is ready to throw up, and if it weren't for the rising anxiety pushing it down, she probably would. On the other hand, something about it will always be magical. The sheer power these otherworldly beings have is awe inspiring. She wishes. God - she wishes.

All too soon he's setting her down in between the staggering trees, deep into the plush vegetation. It reminds her of the one he left her in. She notes a large root behind her foot. No tripping.

She bites her lip, "Edward -"

"Are you breaking up with me?" He interrupts. His body looks to be both tense and buzzing. Like a confined storm.

Panic starts to set in, "No, that's not -" Please Edward. Not again.

"Bella, it's okay darling, it's okay." I feel so weak. Is he always going to hurt me like this? When does it become pitiful, just a sad girl, getting her heart broken by the same guy?

She tries to steer the conversation back to her last few hours, "That's not what's happening."

But Edward's stuck on the conversation he wants to have. He's not listening.

"...But something is happening?" And he says it so kindly, like he just wants to reach out and hold me close. To fix everything. But I know he's already having a different conversation than I am.

I want to scream. Maybe I will. "God, Edward, I'm not sure you could believe me if you tried."

For being a supernatural being, he's awfully close minded at times.

"I wish I could read you, Bella." It's not a new thought. In fact, she's pretty sure it makes up half of their conversations.

Does this make her a manic pixie girl? After all, she's not like OTHER girls. No, her brain is stapled shut. Makes her so much more interesting.

The forest stills, "Yeah? I wish I could too, right now." I want access to your brain so that I can put it in a blender and drink it mixed with bananas and mint chocolate chip ice cream, if you continue this line of discussion.

She tries to get him to understand, "Maybe when I'm changed I'll be able to control it."

Am I making this worse?

"Don't Bella. You know how I feel about that. Is it so horrible to be human?" Edward pleads gently.

Am I even a part of the conversation?

She cries out, "Being human means you all leave."

Placating her, he hushes, "No, darling, no. But staying, I think that's hurt you so much more."

"Don't presume to know what I'm thinking."

"I don't. Trust me, I can't."

"But you do! You ask me to trust you but won't trust me to know my own mind. I want to be one of you. I want to be in your family, forever Edward. We said forever."

"I do trust you, just not myself." The end of his sentence reflects inward. He glares into the darkness of the woods, no longer looking in her direction.

"Don't tell me you're leaving, please just -" She begs.

Calmly, he interrupts, "I wasn't going to. But, Bella, I didn't understand how much me being around you hurts you."

Unlike Edward, she can't even pretend to be calm. Her heart is beating frantically as the air leaves her lungs. She's tempted to run away. "This wasn't the point of coming here. Please. Stop. I can't. Not again. It's not you being here that hurts, it's you not wanting me."

"Bella. I could never not want you. But - I can - want better for you. I love you. I'm sorry that's not always enough."

The worst part is that he means it. He doesn't want to hurt me. He just can't seem to stop himself.

She screams, "So you're leaving? That's it? You'll never change me but being around you isn't safe? Is that what you're going to tell me?"

His voice lowers, "I'm so sorry Bella, but I'm no good for you."

Starting to laugh, to break and wither and creak again, she bites out, "And you're no good for me?"

He won't listen. He never listens. WHY CAN'T HE JUST LISTEN. "I don't want to hurt you, I never have, not truly. It'll be like we never existed."

She wishes she could hurt him, like he hurts her. She reminds herself of last time, "Because of my sieve-like mind? Stop! Edward, why are you always running away? It's not fair. I love you, doesn't that mean anything?"

He takes a step back, "It means everything. Call me selfish Bella, call me anything, I deserve it and worse, but seeing you as a vampire would kill me, I can't bear the thought of you in pain."

"This is causing me pain, Edward. Doesn't that matter?"

He takes another step back.

"I love you. I'm sorry."

By the time she blinks, he's nowhere to be found.

I'm alone. All alone. He's gone again. Just like that. Similar words as last time. He must have been thinking about this before. It wasn't Jasper, or the party, or any of it, was it? No, he just doesn't want me for who I want to be. He only loves human Bella.

She claps her cheeks with her palms, feeling childish. Her body feels too big, for how small he makes her.

Well, that blows.

A chipmunk climbs on her shoes, nestling into their worn laces.

Why in the ever loving fuck does he keep leaving me stranded in the forest?

"But it's my birthday." She tells the empty forest.

Does Alice see this all happening? They haven't all left this time, they're still at school, I assume. Maybe she'll come find me.

Or Jasper, He feels emotions. He might not remember talking to her during the last loop, or owing her for trying to eat her during the OG cycle, but he protects his family. Maybe he'll want to save the little heart broken human from the big bad woods.

Or Emmett? He acts like her big brother. She knows that he loves her. Cares for her. Wants to do right by her. Aren't big brothers supposed to take the girls' side of the breakup? It's practically a rule.

Rosalie…yeah nevermind if it's up to Rose I'm going to be here a very long time.

Just me and the chipmunk.

Waiting for someone to get us. I know how this goes. If I wander too far I'll just get lost and hurt, and it's not like cell reception works out here.

Edward will probably send someone to collect me this time.

I just have to wait a little bit longer.

By the time the moon reaches its peak, she can feel the pieces unclicking.

Click

Unclick

4

I hate men. And forests. And Edward. Also, the moon. Fuck the moon.

Bella wakes up angry. Unlike the last time they broke up, upon waking, her soul doesn't feel withered, but set aflame. She wants blood and venom and fire, laying down at her feet, rising by her own making. She wants him to understand her pain. She stretches out, limbs stiff. At least, her finger no longer hurts.

I love him, but I simultaneously love him less. It's not hate, not actually. It's an insidious indifference burrowing into the spaces between us. Not to say I'm NOT pissed. I am. But I'm not going to break. No. I can't fucking break over him again.

She gets out of the truck, thoughts falling like autumn leaves, as she makes her way towards the Cullen family. Towards him. Rosalie, Emmett, Alice, Jasper, Edward. Ducks in a row. Statue garden. Perfect family, all together, on one side of the line with her on the other.

Fuck.

She can't imagine what her face looks like. Maybe something like Jean Gray from X-Men with all of her righteous fury and burning pain. Now that's a thought. Oh, imagine if she could burn him where he stands. It's certainly an idea.

She breaks her gaze from the collective. Not an impossible idea, in theory.

"You." She yells at a smoker nearby. He's a twiggy kid, obviously too young to smoke, but she doesn't really give a damn.

His eyebrows wave, giving a nervous fidget. "Me?", he dizzily responds.

She makes her way to him, leering over him as he starts to shake. I might not be that stable at the moment. "Gimme one."

"What? Aren't you like, the cops' daughter, or something?" Real tough words for a little boy.

"Exactly." She swipes the pack of Marlboro Reds, noting the tiny red lighter shoved into the pack. She flips the pack open and lights one, holding it loosely between her fingers, putting the rest of the pack in her pocket. She takes a drag.

"Keep your mouth shut and I won't have to shut it for you, capiche?" She turns around before the boy can respond. It's not like today matters anyways. Just gonna happen again and again. I can imagine Edwards' response to this, 'oh but Bella, this isn't like you, oh dear'. Yeah, obviously douchebag, you break up with me, you attempt to eat me, you mostly ignore me, and then you fucking break up with me again. If I was doing well, now that would be a concern.

She taps the cigarette, watching the ash float down. Fuck it. She takes another drag. Here we go. She walks back to the Cullens, who for the record, aren't doing too good a job looking human at present.

She takes a drag, stopping in front of them.

"What are you doing, my Bella. This isn't like you -" Edward starts.

"What's the freaky human up to now?" Rosalie continues.

"Pretty bold, little sister." Emmett butts in.

"Bella?" Alice spaces out.

"At least they're not Marlboro golds." Jasper finishes.

Bella takes another drag, flicking the lighter on, focusing on Edward.

"Edward. We're over."

Alice and Jasper are looking awfully intently at the lighter. I wonder if she sees me deciding to light him ablaze. Knowing him, I probably would.

Bella's eyes flicker to the lighter, then back to his own. She raises an eyebrow.

"Capiche?" She asks nobody. Or maybe them all. It could be towards just Edward. Or god. If she was being honest, it's mostly just for her.

Nobody says anything. 10 bucks say Jasper and Rose try to kill me before the day is over for knowing so much without being attached.

"Cool." She stomps her cigarette out, heading back for her car. Definitely not getting Peter's number this time.

She gets in the car, taking off back towards her house for a pair of non-laced shoes. The trees pass. Nothing changes. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I wasn't supposed to be so fucked up.

She decides to call Alice, her phone ringing the second the decision solidifies.

"Hey Alice, want to have a slumber party tonight?" She asks, seamingly unbothered by previous drama. Now, how to get Peter's number out of Jasper without Edward?

Alice could see it. Or I could tell Jasper that Peter reached out to me on a burner phone with instructions to get contact information from Jasper, but I wasn't sure if that was something he would do. There's also the fact that I'm a horrible liar and Jasper is an empath married to a psychic, living with a mind reader. Those aren't the best odds.

Alice makes a worried sound, "Bella? Why'd you break up with Edward, this doesn't - this isn't - I didn't see this! What happened?"

Bella lets out a Cheshire smile, just for her, looking out into the empty road, "What if we talk at the slumber party, Alice?"

"...Okay." Alice reluctantly agrees.

Okay, time to incite plan A.

"Invite Jasper too." Bella casually demands.

Please don't ask why.

"...Why?"

Oh fuck. Lie. Think of a lie. I got this.

"Ummm, mood control, yeah, mood control. He's like a walking talking Xanax, isn't he?"

Vampire Xanax, now that's a thought. VAMPax. No wait, that just sounds like an emo tampon.

In response, Alice pretends like all is well, smiling back over the tin of the phone, "Sure Bella. Meet me at the house at 7, got to go."

The phone clicks off. She's alone again.

Pulling up to her house, she gets out, stomping as she walks up the steps. She opens the door, starting towards the bedroom, deep in thought.

Okay, don't open presents, don't cut the cake, don't walk down the stairs with laced shoes, and don't tell Edward. I can do this. If I need a dark spot in Alice's vision, I could ask Jake, no wait, he hasn't wolfed out yet. Sam? Maybe. He's going on the list. Peter, Alistair, Aro and Sam. Possible people to bother. Imagine them in a room together. Now there's a thought. I can't quite imagine Alistair, but I have a vague impression of Peter. Tall, built similar to Jasper's but a bit broader. Hair a bit dirtier and less groomed, curly and twisting at his ears. Red eyes. Rugged, a little bit unhinged, but secretly kind. Maybe a little bit angry too. Peter.

She shakes her head. She knows she can't go back to Edward, that she doesn't just want to have someone else fix her problems like Jake did last time, this time she wants to fix them herself. She just had no idea how to go about it.

Maybe, if I got to know myself I could understand the power inside me? It's been so long since I've made my own decisions and chosen things I genuinely like without influence. Fuck, Edward leaving only influenced me MORE in the end.

But I can multitask. Figure out my power and myself. Reach out to people who might understand. Don't panic. Or set Edward on fire. On most of the cycles at least, maybe on one…

No, never mind. I should go back to school.

She takes her shoes off, quickly sliding a pair of muddy Chelsea boots on, and setting back towards her car. She shouldn't even be too late to class, maybe fifteen minutes.

Getting back on the road is simple and routine, her thoughts not on the street, but her journey so far. She feels calmer knowing breaking up with Edward is a fixed point in her life. She's not opposed to fighting for love, but she can't be anyone's personal brand of masochism anymore.

She catches her gaze in the mirror, noting her slightly longer hair. She doesn't think she needs to eat more or sleep during the cycle than she typically would, if anything, magical nutrition seems to fix things and then go above and beyond each time she travels back. She wonders if hair dye sticks to the transformation. It would be interesting to see if piercings or metal rods from surgery would travel.

Better not test the last one.

She sees red hair. Her car swerves. Victoria.

Bare feet on the road. Sadistic smile. Yup, that's Victoria. Fuck me.

It all goes black.

But this time -

the puzzle pieces

don't click.

She wakes to a near empty room. Her body feels worn down, exhausted. Like something gone terribly wrong. This didn't happen last time. Fuck, Victoria wasn't supposed to be in town yet. This isn't like last time, but then again, I never left school early. Everything is different. She knows nobody is coming to save her this time. Discreetly, she pats her back pocket for something to help. The lighter, I have the lighter.

A throat clears from the side of the room. Her. Victoria looks broken. Her eyes have a deranged look, the crimson reds burning into Bella's own. The worst part is the indifference painted across the rest of her face, like catching Bella was disappointing and easy. I guess it probably was.

"Don't move. It will hurt more if you struggle." Victoria plainly states.

Bella croaks, "Victoria?"

Moving instantly towards her, she advises, "Don't speak either. It will hurt more if you speak. I'm not fully against that though. Up to you, Bella."

This really isn't my day, is it? I wonder if Victoria can kill me after everything that's already happened.

"He doesn't love me. I'm not his mate." Bella quietly informs, eyes on the ground.

Victoria makes a grumbling noise from her chest. Dissatisfied.

"To be transparent with you, I don't give a fuck at this point. You're why James is dead. You. So shut up."

Bella silences. Victoria leans in close, pulling something out from her clothing. Bella can't tell what she's thinking, but it sure as hell ain't anything happy.

"This here? It's a knife made for delicate work, this baby is made for carving meat, Bella. It does a beautiful job for tender meat. Like you. But I want to make these easy for you. Humans like counting right? Simple stuff? Okay, you're going to count down from three for me okay? This is three."

Victoria snatchs her right hand, the knife disappearing seamingly into thin air, gently focusing on her index finger.

"Say it."

She drags her finger nail on the knuckle.

"That's three."

A bloody three sits below the knuckle, carved the size of a penny. Victoria licks the wound, dragging her tongue slowly. She kisses the three.

"Good Bella, good. We're going to move on okay, you have to know your numbers before you count. So what's this Bella?"

She tugs her middle finger out.

"Two, Victoria. It's two."

As she speaks, she makes a similar two on the knuckle. Her eyes fill with unshed tears as her body shakes. She feels ashamed. She can't save herself. Can't do anything.

"You're getting it now. This one was created for branding cows. You're kinda like a little walking talking happy meal, right? It's because we're so close, I made a brand just for you, so when I drop you off at your owners house, they'll know who so graciously helped you out. Dogs get tracking chips, don't they? Sorta similar, if you think about it."

She licks the wound, her tongue tracing the lines.

Just give me an opening to start the lighter. Give me something. Please. Just stall.

"Sorry, clarifying question. Am I a cow or a dog?"

Victoria doesn't release her hand, but she does lift her head to give Bella a delighted smirk. Bella shakes more.

"You're dead, Bella. Now let's see how that sense of humour likes this. I bet you'll be really funny after a few hours."

She digs into the flesh of her ring finger. Her eyes glaze in memory.

"What's one?" Bella's voice fills the room.

Victoria flinches, "Pardon me?"

Boldly, Bella continues, "You said, three, two and then, well I'd assume at least that there's one, so one more. What is it?"

Slowly, Victoria carves the number one below her ring finger.

"I thought you'd already know, James gave you the first one as a present. But I've always thought a girl needs to accessorise on both sides. It's just imbalanced if you don't, Bella."

She licks the cut, sealing it with venom again.

"Oh."

Victoria strokes her cheek, face blank and tone flat.

"Now don't move, girl. This won't hurt a bit." She lies.

Her hair is tangled and free like wildfire.

And though Bella is terrified, she sees something of herself within the brokenness of the woman before her.

It begins.

A line drawn out from one end of her softness to the other. "No more babies, Bella." Deep scarring.

One.

Burning on her hip, the shape of a V. Forever, Bella. She kisses venom into the flayed skin. Forever and ever.

Two.

Fire, pouring through her forearm, only to be vanquished. Blood, still flowing, falling into the hardwood. Matching accessories, Bella.

Three.

It hurts.

Fire, fire, fire, burning and breaking her soul. Shoulder, neck, leg, foot, thigh, breast, left side, right side, eye brow, heel, how the fuck is she, oh fuck, everywhere everywhere everywhere, and it won't stop can't stop, PLEASE STOP, burning and taking and desecrating the alter her being lays, a martyr, a pyre, a cloying tanging rust permeating the air.

ANYTHING I'LL DO ANYTHING MAKE IT STOP GOD-

It ends. The blood is still dripping and falling.

Three.

"One last bite, Bella. I think this one will be both of our favourites, right?"

Why won't it stop.?

"One last thing, was it as good for you as it was for me?"

Please.

The wildfire leans closer, breathing on her pulsing neck.

Three?

Click. Unclick.

5

I'm alive. In pain but - but I'm alive. It's okay. It will be okay. I survived.

She knows she's crying, but the stinging in her cheeks is gone. It's almost as if it had never happened. She's in her truck, sitting in front of her high school, like it's a perfectly normal day. Maybe it is. She feels as if nothing has happened, like it was a horrible dream. It was a horrible dream, repeat after me Bella, that didn't fucking happen. It didn't. You're crazy. She lifts the bottom of her shirt, glad to be wearing long sleeves today.

A burnt V digs into her hip.

Cute.

Cool.

Great!

It's all still there. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. Hey, I survived, right? No more Victoria here. It can't possibly get worse.

Oh shit, shut the fuck up self, oh god why am I? Like? This?

Maybe, she should cry.

Her scars look days old, the blood gone, and skin irritated but no longer open. She's fairly certain that she's in shock. I just got tortured. Victoria is in town. Victoria is in town and shit bit me.

Why is Victoria in town? She shouldn't be. Is there a way to ban her? Maybe I should call somebody? But who would I call? There isn't exactly a police force for supernatural shit, right? I'm on my own. Mostly. Maybe I'll bother Jasper to fix it. Because he's oh so helpful. Not.

I really should be concerned about this. It's concerning.

It means that she was in the original timeline as well.

No going home alone. Or without a vampire guard in general. This would be one of those things the psychologists say not to repress, right? Repress or suppress? Bench press? Now there's a thought. Maybe I will just tuck it away for another day.

Okay. It's okay

Bella desperately wants to cry.

Box. Put it all in a box in my head. Don't open the fucking box. Evil fucking pandora's shitty box. Never opening the box. Calm. Cover the problems within my head. Protect them from myself. Calm. I'm calm.

She feels something snap into place. Calm, for once in her ever-what-the-fucking-existance since she showed up in Forks, there is peace.

Bella calms down. She takes a long breath, in and out, shrugging her shoulders as she takes it all in.

Phone number.

She opens the door, zeroing in on her targets.

Target A, for (A)lice Cullen. Tiny Pixie, normally fun, sometimes makes me want to throw her out the window. A typhoon-like compact kit kat package on the outside but very very heavy on the inside. DO NOT CARRY. Or talk about her weight. Note to self as a point of concern: Does Alice react poorly around height/weight comments? On second thought she's a vampire, not worth it. She could probably eat me. They all could eat me. And I'd probably just bop back to the stupid truck on my stupid birthday. Probably. She sees the future, if I question Jasper, or decide to question Jasper, then Alice will see it. Meaning I don't have to actually kidnap, I mean, borrow Jasper. I just have to decide to ask him.

Target B, (B)ut Daddy I love him/(B)itch I will fight, Edward Cullen. He would never approve of me talking to Peter, but if I question Alice or Jasper with him around, then he'll know anyway. I have to dispose, I mean, get rid of him.

Target C, (C)ivil war major (or World War 1? Title Subject to Change.), Jasper Whitlock. Do not fight. Or lock yourself alone in a room with him. Or drag him out to the forest. Okay cool, game plan set up. Ready to rumba. Or is it rumble? I don't know which would be more dangerous. Probably the rumba.

Remember the box. No opening. Stay calm.

First things first, let there be…

"Hey, you." Bella approaches the smoker from before.

"Yeah?" He sourly grumbles.

"You can't smoke here, and because I AM, the Police chief's daughter, I will have to confiscate this pack. And the lighter, of course. You know how it is, nicotine. Gateway drug to meth. Horrible, horrible. Next thing you know you're 14 and pregnant." I think I'm having an episode. Have I ever spoken this much? I think I might be panicking.

She swipes the pack from his hand.

"I'm a dude, I can't get pregnant? And not cool man, give those back." He complains.

She sighs, "Matthew -"

"That's not my name -"

"Can I call you Matthew?"

"No."

"Great, okay listen here Matty, I am having a very bad day. No good. Super shitty. You feel?"

"No."

"And it's my birthday."

"You can't just steal my shit."

"Your underaged shit, that police chief's daughter, just confiscated for law purposes type shit? I'll have you know it's my right, Matty."

She lights up a smoke. God, is she going to get addicted? Do time loops work that way? Fuckkkkk-

"Thanks Matty, you're a real one."

She turns back to the Cullens, ignoring poor Matthew and his very much so not her problems. She focuses on target A, Alice. Only to get intercepted by Edward, not the best thing to happen, but I can make this work.

"Edward, I've decided to go full lesbian and follow Rose around until she lets me have a three-way with Alice, I'm so sorry to do this to you, the bisexuality was starting to get to me. I really don't like the flag colours." Did I accidentally consume hard drugs? Am I drunk? I think I'm concussed. Is this what it means to have a psychotic break? Because I think I'm handling it really well. The pride flag part was true, at least. I didn't. But unfortunately, Idid like dick.

Well, in theory. Kinda like the way I like unicorns. I've never seen one in person, but it's probably both awesome and a little off putting.

Shit, Edward.

I hope his Victorian sensibilities don't cause him to combust. Can vampires do that?

"-and I'm not good for you anyways-" Oh shit Edward's talking, what did he say? "-it will be like I never-" This again? Really, just, really? "I'm sorry, my love"

"Me too, Edward, good talk. Could you leave for today so I could have some space to mourn?"

"Of course Bella, of course." He softly sighed, kissing her forehead softly, before walking into the forest.

"So," she mumbled, "who's taking the Volvo back? Because he kinda just ran into the forest and stuff."

She can hear Emmett making a cackling noise in the distance. She'll just assume he'll take it back. Okay, Alice.

I decide to talk to Alice about Peter's number.

Bella approaches Alice, who's leaning happily into Jasper as she softly tells him about fashion week in Milan ( terrifying), still waiting by the cars with the rest of the vampire ducklings. Jasper's eyes flit to her own. Looking at first surprised, then motionless. She wonders if he's trapped in a memory, having a flashback of something horrible from the war as a human. He must see her scars, the one on her eyebrow isn't subtle. They haven't faded into silver marks or mere divots in her skin. They might not bleed anymore, but the skin looks raw. She feels a bit like a monster from a film. Please don't bring it up Jasper, nobody else looks at me enough to notice anyways. I could cover them up with Maybelline? I should get on that.

Something in her emotions must shock him, because he stops the eerie stillness and doesn't look like he wants to ask much of anything of her, least of all ask what happened. He doesn't know her. At all really, besides one conversation in Phoenix. So, she can't imagine him caring for her like she's starting to grow fond of him. Jasper Whitlock is made out of 1000 thread count friendship material. Some really high grade material. She doesn't want to lose it before even obtaining it in the first place.

Alice doesn't look at her, eyes now glazed in a vision. Batty little thing.

Alice doesn't question her talk with Edward. Not the lesbian thing. Nor the cigarettes thing. Or even the break up thing. She just mumbles, "I don't know anything, Bella. When you ask, it's dark, I can't properly see it."

Plan C it is.

"Thanks anyways, Alice." Bella kindly replies. She looks down at the forgotten cigarette in her hand, furrowing her brow.

Her eyes flicker to Jasper, holding it out. He doesn't say anything, taking it from her without prompting and taking a long drag. She remembers, at least they're not golds, from before. Jasper does seem like the type to smoke, all broody and Clint Eastwood like. She can imagine him as a character from Grease. The thought almost makes her smile.

Alice sharply looks at her. Grabbing her bag, she sets off to class, Jasper and Bella closely following. Bella looks around, eyes searching for something that will work. Perfect.

She snags Jasper's shirt and drags him into a janitor's closet. Alice doesn't say a word. She locks the door behind them.

The lighting is dark, too dark for human eyes to properly see, and she can extrapolate based on what Alice said, that something about the space or lighting makes it hard for a prophetic vampire to see, as well. Or maybe it's just Bella being immune to any helpful gifts at the worst possible moment. Knowing her luck, she can't bet against it.

She feels a superficial sense of nervousness. Jasper must be projecting.

"Jasper." Bella states.

Jasper grunts. Real caveman like.

"Peter, your brother from another mother, who saved you the night he woke up, that one, I kinda need his number for a knowing stuff thing. It's important. A lot of um…knowing and…stuff? He told me to ask you so."

He disorientedly responds, "I thought you were a lesbian?" He's an empath, who has been in a room with me trying to jump Edward. This man…

I'm definitely going to hit him when I become one of them. Seriously, after all of that amazing explanation, he's stuck on the lesbian thing? Not the scars that gave him a literal panic attack ten minutes ago? Figures. Men.

"No, I'm American."

If you're going to ask stupid questions I'm going to give stupid responses.

"His number. And no, what are you talking about, I'm bisexual."

He better not say anything homophobic or something. Vampires? Fine. Bigots? I am willing to fight. Priorities.

"Where did you get those scars? They weren't there before. Fuck Bella, you look different. What's happening?"

"I got them at Walmart. I'm fixing it. I need his number."

"You can't fix scars like those. Now tell me what's happening. Why are you hurting like this, Bella? I want to help. To start, why'd you break up with Edward? You didn't feel anything but boredom and exasperation the entire time."

"He's in love with a succubus. I need his number."

"No he's not, he loathes Tanya. Fine, okay, I'll bite. How do you know Peter?"

Bite. Ha! You can bite all you want if you GIVE ME THE NUMBER. Jasper honestly, why are you so difficult? Is the cowboy hat cutting off circulation up there?

"MySpace. I need his number."

"That…well…I think that's the only thing you've said so far that I believe."

Really? Good to know. I should keep that in mind.

"Look, I really don't care, if you give me his number, you can literally eat me, I won't tell anyone. Just let me write it down on my arm."

"You do realise that you make zero sense, right?"

"You're a literal empath vampire warlord, when does sense come in? I need his number."

He's starting to look weird. Well, weirder than normal. I would put the eating me countdown at five minutes. Better work quickly.

"You really shouldn't come much closer, I'm not good in proximity."

Was he born this stubborn or did he get it when he passed 100 or something and they figured if you refused to die for that long you might as well get something. And to think, they gave him pigheadedness. How useful.

"Jasper."

"Bella."

"Peter."

"No, I'm Jasper, remember?" And the delusion that he's funny. What a great gift to be given.

Not.

I will strangle you.

"Oh my god, please? Pretty please? I'm not going to like, stalk the guy, or bother him into submission or anything."

I said, planning to do exactly that.

"See when you say stuff like that I really don't believe you."

These are not the Jedis you are looking for, Jasper.

No? Worth a try.

"I will cover for you once a month for the next year with Alice, when she wants to go shopping or to some fashion show or something."

C'mon Major. I know you want it.

"Deal."

"Nice doing business with you, Major Whitlock."

"I'm very close to eating you right now Bella, maybe we should do this somewhere else."

How polite. A gentleman! Too bad I am a harbinger of chaos who destroys gentlemen. Otherwise it would've gone so well.

"Won't work."

"Why for the love of god, is everyone in my fucking life like this. Fucking mysterious ass brother and wife and now little sister. You know, I don't like mysteries. I don't like not understanding. Bella, I will give you this number, and then you're going to start talking. I don't like knowing you're hurt. I don't like missing information. And I really don't fucking like that you seem to be alone dealing with this. So I'll give you the fucking number, and then we're going to fix this. Or at least fucking strategize."

My heart stopped. That was - that was really sweet. I knew Jasper is determined, strategic and a little bit snarky hidden beneath a layer of kindness, but I didn't think he cared, like truly cared just about me. I'm, well, I don't even know how to properly respond. It would be nice to have someone who knows and wants to help. Fuck - it would be amazing.

"You think of me as a little sister? Aw, Jay, that's so sweet. Give me the number."

She pulls a black marker out of her bag, some Sharpie knockoff she bought at Target, pressing the tip to her forearm, right above James' teeth mark. Oh irony, my cruel mistress . She doesn't think a slip of paper would come back with her, and there's no way she trusts just her memory, so this is a good option.

She can hear him sigh from his corner of pain. Sucks to suck.

As he starts to read the number off the top of his head, she wants to bang her own against the shitty walls until one of them breaks.

REALLY. Just, shout-out to the universe at large, what the fuck is wrong with you.

He's my number neighbour? I thought he was in Montana and not Arizona. What even?

"You told me he's in Montana."

"Bella, I actually didn't tell you anything. Because I've never told you much of anything. We've spoken once, when would I have told you that Peters in Montana, during any of that?"

She disregards his comments.

"When was he in Arizona?"

"I don't know, we talk maybe once every five to ten years unless something happens. So I'd reckon it's been a while in human time and not much of any in vampire time."

"Huh. Oh. Yeah you're good to eat me now."

"What?"

"Have a snack?"

He grunts. Okay, maybe not, touchy touchy.

"I'm at the discounted rate of, Peter Whitlock's fucking number, so you've paid in full, buddy."

Is it mean that I'm half fucking with him and half trying to figure out if he tries to eat me with me calm, will I start the change but also start the new loop? Will I just change? Will I just loop? This is half suicidal. What an idiot, I told myself, being a fucking idiot.

She pats Jasper on the shoulder, quickly turning to open the door. I mean, if he's not going to eat me, I'm not exactly going to complain.

Before the door opens, she feels his breath on her neck, fingers tracing a raised like of skin. She knows he wants to ask. Wants to bite. Wants to stop. Wants something, or maybe everything, just like her. But he's not going to get anything out of her, the impermanence of the loops practically demand it. She's stranded without a life raft and there's not much she can fucking do about it.

"It's okay Jasper, whatever you choose, it's okay." She consoles him.

He's so close that she can smell him. She doesn't think she's ever caught his smell, but it reminds her of thunderstorms in Arizona. His scent is all wet heat and the crackling of thunder. It's nice. It makes her a little homesick.

A cold breath puffs against her skin, she can almost feel his lips touching down. His mouth is right above Victoria's scar. She can feel his mouth open, his tongue about to touch and then it'll all be red heat and death crashing back down.

She's not scared.

She's curious.

What are you going to do, Jasper?

His mouth opens, tongue tracing the lines, like she's a rare cut steak battered in sweet sauce, feel his teeth start to push -

Click.

Really?

Unclick.

And we were just getting to the good part.