Trigger warning: Suicide. It's not descriptive but it's there so if you don't want to read it skip the dream sequence in italics.

Chapter 4: When You're Ready

There are five stages of grief. The first stage is denial. When Naruto first heard the news he didn't believe it. At first he was in denial, believing that everyone must be lying when they said Sasuke died. He asked them why'd they lie about such a thing. If Sasuke didn't want to see him again, he could handle that. He ignored the empty feeling he had in his chest that people said happened when one's soulmate died.

It wasn't until the funeral that it hit him that the man was actually gone. That led to the second stage: anger. Naruto he became angry and had no one to take it out on. He wanted the man that killed Sasuke to feel the same way he'd felt, but that man was in critical condition and they weren't even sure he was going to make it. He drank a lot to try to numb the pain, but it only made him angrier.

Once he was drained of any emotion he entered the third stage: bargaining. He started asking why. He'd cry to his best friend wanting an answer that no one could give. It was an accident, but that wasn't a good enough reason for him to accept. He would do anything to change what had happened, but he couldn't and Sasuke was truly gone.

So he cried until he fell further into the fourth step: depression. That was where he was and he didn't think that he'd ever make it to the final step of acceptance. He couldn't accept that the man he loved was gone. He blamed himself for letting him leave that night. He should have made him stay and work things out. He should have been a better man for Sasuke.

He stumbled to the bathroom, a half empty bottle of vodka in his hand. Naruto looked in the mirror and hardly recognized himself. His eyes were bloodshot, a mixture of the alcohol he'd drank and tears he'd shed. He looked nothing like the man he was when he'd first met Sasuke. When they had first met he had been tan and buff, probably overly confident for a man who came from nothing. Now as he looked at himself he saw a pale, skinny man with tracks on his arm from the drugs he'd promised he'd quit. He felt ashamed with himself that he couldn't even keep the last promise he'd made to Sasuke that night. He couldn't be better.

He felt the necklace around his neck, a cross with Sasuke's name on it. "You left me," he whispered, wondering if Sasuke's spirit was somewhere and could hear him. "I feel so helpless and lost without you," he said, though no one was there to hear him. "In the next life we'll be together forever."

Naruto opened the medicine cabinet, immediately finding what he was looking for. He read the label and it hurt to see the other man's name on it. Sasuke always had trouble sleeping and had been prescribed sleeping pills for the nights when it became impossible to fall sleep. "I'm coming to you, baby," he closed his eyes as he thought about joining Sasuke in the next life. He opened the bottle, pouring a handful into his hand. "I'm coming," he repeated before popping them into his mouth, using vodka to swallow them down for good measure.

The blond stumbled to the bed he once shared with the dark haired man. He thought about the way that Sasuke would fit in his arms so perfectly, despite being a slight bit taller than him. It was only by a couple centimeters, but Sasuke never let him forget it. That never stopped Naruto from being the big spoon. He curled up on the bed, pulling a pillow into his arms, trying to imagine it was Sasuke there instead. He cried as he drifted off to sleep.

Naruto woke up with a jolt. He was breathing heavy as he remembered his dream. "Fuck," he cursed. It had been a long time since he'd had that specific dream. He tried to calm himself down and remind himself of all of the ways he was different from that version of himself. He wasn't a drug addict, in fact he'd vowed to never touch drugs and even limited his alcohol intake. His eyes were a more vibrant blue than the pale blue of that Naruto. His skin was tan from the outdoor activities he enjoyed. While he wasn't overly bulky, he worked out regularly and was in good shape. His muscles weren't bulging, but they were defined, unlike the almost sickly looking skinny man in his dreams. Sasuke never let him close enough to tell exactly who was taller, but from what he could tell they were about the same height, which was what he told himself was the only thing he had in common with that Naruto. Otherwise, they were nothing alike.

From what he could tell from his dreams, that Naruto had grown up with a shitty background. His parents weren't there and he had fallen into the wrong crowd. Naruto didn't grow up rich, but he made sure to surround himself with good people. He wouldn't fall into that way of living.

Naruto knew he wasn't going to be able to sleep after that dream. He wasn't sure if it was his optimism or if the universe was being kind to him so he didn't fall into some sort of depression about what his past life had done, but he rarely had those kind of dreams. His dreams were usually about the happier times. They were about what they could have been if he hadn't messed up in that life.

He looked over at his guitar, which seemed to just be collecting dust at that point. Naruto hadn't had the inspiration to write. His first album had gotten great reviews not only for his singing, but also for the song writing. He knew in the fast paced world they lived in people were expecting a new album soon or he'd just be another pop star to fall into obscurity. It didn't matter how many appearances he did if he didn't put out new content.

Naruto got up and made his way towards the bathroom across the hall. He hoped a shower would help clear his thoughts. He turned on the shower to let the water heat up before turning to look at the mirror. He leaned against the counter, his mind running wild with thoughts about what Sasuke must think about him because of their past life. He wished they didn't have dreams and there would be no prejudice between them. He stripped off his pajamas, not caring that he missed the laundry basket only a couple feet away, and stepped into the shower. If only the water could wash away all of the memories from that life.

He had only planned on taking a fifteen minute shower, which turned into nearly an hour when the water had started running cold. He had been so lost in his thoughts that he hadn't even realized he had just been standing there, staring at the wall. After the lukewarm water snapped him back to reality, he quickly washed his body and hair before the water turned ice cold.

Naruto had the day off so he did the bare minimum to get ready. He brushed his teeth, but left his hair an unbrushed mess and put on the comfiest sweatpants and shirt he could find. He once again looked at his guitar as he made his way back to his bed, ready to just climb in it and pretend that nothing happened. Instead, he grabbed his guitar and brought it with him, deciding that for once he'd use his memories of his past life to write something. Sakura's room was right down the hall, but the apartment had decent enough walls that he hoped the acoustic guitar wouldn't wake her, knowing it was still very early and she would not be happy if he did.

He knew there were people that there were people out there that would understand, even if it were a little darker than his previous songs. It hurt knowing that Sasuke was the one and he wasn't thinking about him the way Naruto wanted him to. He pulled out his phone, hitting record in case he came up with anything worth using. He never wrote down his first draft, preferring to let it flow out in the heat of the moment. Instead he recorded his first run through, including all of the mistakes and every time he started over.

It was a couple hours before Naruto felt he had anything good enough to show anyone. The blond looked at his phone, knowing there was really only one person's opinion that he wanted. He nervously dialed the number, wondering if the man would even answer. It was his day off so there was a possibility that he wouldn't, but as his manager he had an obligation to make sure his artist was okay and there wasn't some scandal that he needed to handle immediately before it was blown out of proportion.

"This better be important," Sasuke answered, his voice a little raspy from sleep. It sounded like he'd just woken up, which made Naruto feel bad when he looked at the clock and it read just after eight in the morning. Perhaps he should have checked that before he called.

Naruto bit his lip nervously, "Sorry, I didn't notice the time before I called. I've been up for hours." He only received a grunt in response, signaling that he was waiting for an explanation for the early morning call. "I, uh, I wanted to talk about my next album. I was hoping we could meet up," he told him, which was only partially a lie by omission.

"This couldn't wait for tomorrow?" the other man asked, sounding highly annoyed by the interruption to his sleep. "I never would have taken you for an early riser," he huffed. Naruto could hear some noise in the background, which he assumed was the dark haired man getting up.

"I'm not," he admitted. "But I had a dream and I couldn't fall back asleep," he was met by silence on the other end. "You still there?"

"Yeah, I'm here," the other man sighed, a hint of understanding in his voice. "Give me a couple hours to wake up, I can't deal with you without coffee first," he told him.

Naruto nodded, but then realized that the other man wouldn't be able to see his response, "Okay. Would you mind coming to my place? Sakura is going to be out on a photo shoot all day so she won't be here to interrupt." Part of him hoped that having Sasuke come over and see a little bit more into his life would help him understand he wasn't the same man that haunted their dreams.

"That's fine," Sasuke agreed, though he sounded hesitant.

"We don't have to if you don't feel comfortable," Naruto told him. "I don't want you to feel uncomfortable the entire time, but I kind of wanted to show you the new song I was working on. You know, get an outside opinion," the blond hoped that it wouldn't scare him away.

Once again Sasuke hesitated before agreeing, "I'll be fine. I'll see you in a couple of hours."

"Okay, see you then," Naruto agreed before the line went dead, indicating that Sasuke had hung up. His eyes widened when he realized he had only a couple of hours to make himself presentable and make sure his apartment was clean. Naruto quickly got up and cleaned up his room, though he wasn't going to have Sasuke go in there, he wanted the entire place to be clean just in case.

Sakura raised her eyebrow when she walked out of her room, ready to leave for the photo shoot, and saw Naruto cleaning the apartment. It wasn't like there was a mess, but the man didn't dust and make sure all of the dishes were put away for no reason. "What's gotten into you?" she asked curiously.

"Sasuke's coming over in an hour," he explained as he continued to clean. "I don't want him to think I'm a slob," he rushed around, wanting to make sure that he had enough time to get himself ready after.

"So you want to lie to him?" she teased.

"I'm not that messy," he whined. "Especially compared to my past life. I don't know how that Sasuke put up with it," he straightened out the mail that had piled up on the counter, putting it in a neat pile out of the way.

Sakura chuckled, "By all means if you want to clean I'm not going to argue, but the place looks fine." She found it amusing how much he wanted to impress his soulmate.

"Don't you have somewhere to be?" he huffed, hating the way she always teased him, especially when it came to Sasuke.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm leaving," she smirked as she grabbed her purse and make-up bag. "Have fun, lover boy," she laughed as she walked out the door of their apartment.

Their apartment was small, but had a warm feeling to it. There were pictures with his friends on the wall, the couch was a little old, but still in good shape. It had an open concept, which made it so the kitchen looked out into the living area. The bedrooms were far enough apart so they didn't disturb each other with the one bathroom separating their bedrooms. At first it had been difficult, especially when their schedule was the same and they were both trying to use the bathroom, but they had gotten used to each other over time and had a system.

Naruto was startled when he heard his phone go off with a text telling him that Sasuke would be there in a half hour. "Fuck," he ran to his bedroom trying to figure out what to wear. He didn't want to dress up, but he also didn't want to be too casual. He was still trying to impress the man. Eventually he settled on a pair of dark wash jeans, which he had been told made his ass look good. They weren't too tight, but just tight enough to accentuate what he wanted. He paired them with a simple black t-shirt. It was loose fitting, but the sleeves were tight enough around his biceps to show off some muscle. He ran his hands through his hair, trying to make it look good, but not like he put too much effort into it. A knock on the door signaled that he was out of time and how he looked would just need to be good enough.

He opened the door to find Sasuke leaning against the wall, texting someone. He knew better than to ask who he was texting, assuming it was a friend since his body would tell him if Sasuke was doing anything intimate with other people. The dark haired man didn't seem to notice that the door was open so he took the opportunity to check out his appearance. The other man didn't seem to put much effort into his appearance. He was wearing a pair of light, loose fitting jeans that had definitely seen better days. He had paired it with a dark v-neck shirt that seemed to be a size too big and showed off his collar bones, something Naruto had never realized was attractive until that moment. His leather jacket was stylish, but not too in your face. The blond hadn't realized how long Sasuke's hair was until he noticed that it was pulled back into a small ponytail, which allowed him to see every inch of Sasuke's face with nothing obscuring his view. His pale complexion was annoyingly flawless and his dark eyes were as piercing as ever, clearly not happy with whatever message he had received. His eyes finally landed on his lips, which were pressed into a thin line, making Naruto wish that he knew how to make him smile. He may not have seen it in person, but his dreams let him see how beautiful Sasuke's smile was and it made him want to be the cause of Sasuke smiling one day. Overall, the dark haired man had somehow managed to make 'I don't give a fuck' look sexy.

"You going to stand there and stare at me all day or are you going to let me in?" Sasuke asked, not even looking up from his phone. "It's not exactly warm out here," he finally tucked his phone into his front pocket, waiting for Naruto to move out of the way.

"Sorry," Naruto moved so Sasuke could walk in. "Come on in." Sasuke didn't say anything in return, he just walked past him into the apartment. The dark haired man looked at his surroundings, his eyes seemed to focus on the pictures on the wall of Naruto and his friends.

Sasuke couldn't help but wonder if one of the men on the wall was the person Naruto had sex with years ago. He found himself not liking the idea of them still being friends. He took his eyes off the photos, hating himself for even thinking about the possibility, let a lone be jealous of the idea of Naruto once being with someone else years ago. "So, you wanted to talk about your next album?" he asked, trying not to think about where his thoughts had just gone. He had promised himself that he wouldn't let Naruto into his life on that level, unfortunately the soulmate pull seemed stronger than he anticipated and his mind couldn't help but think about the blond.

"Yeah, please make yourself comfortable," he signaled towards the couch. "Can I get you thing to drink? I have water, probably some soda, maybe some tea," he started rambling, thinking about what he might have in his fridge.

"Water would be good," Sasuke sighed as he made his way to the couch and sat down. It wasn't like he expected. He knew he was being judgmental based on what their past lives had been like, but he expected a mess. Maybe some beer bottles scattered across the house.

"You look surprised," Naruto commented as he set the water down in front of Sasuke before taking his own seat on the couch next to him. He made sure not to sit too close, not wanting to make the other man uncomfortable. He remembered what Sakura and Kiba had told him and tried to keep in mind that he would need to take it slow.

"Didn't expect the place to be so clean," Sasuke admitted as he grabbed the glass and took a drink. The atmosphere felt awkward and he wasn't sure what to say. He couldn't help but look at the blond, checking him out. He had to admit the other man looked good. When his eyes met Naruto's he could see the somewhat smug look the blond was trying to hide and he quickly looked away.

"There's a lot of things you don't know about me, yet," Naruto told him, causing a bit more tension in the room.

Sasuke licked his lips, he could feel the other man's eyes on him. "Anyway, about the album?" he changed the subject back to the reason he was supposed to be there to discuss.

"Right," Naruto sighed. "I know the company wants one soon, I'm just having a bit of a hard time writing," he admitted, a little embarrassed that he couldn't find any inspiration other than the one song that he'd written that morning.

"I thought you had a song to show me?" Sasuke questioned.

Naruto nodded, "I do. I just don't know if it's something people would like. It's not exactly as happy as my last album. It's more on the hopeful side, I guess."

Sasuke understood the pressure the blond was under. People liked his optimism and how he always seemed to be happy, which was reflected in his songs. "Artists grow and try new things," he assured him. "Is it about us?" he wasn't sure what possessed him to ask the question. Part of him hoped that it was about them. He'd never admit that his favorite dreams where the ones where that Naruto would sing some love song he'd written just for that Sasuke.

"Kind of," he nervously confirmed. "Do you want to hear it?" he asked.

Sasuke wanted to say no, but instead he found himself nodding. He couldn't verbalize what he wanted because his head and his heart were at odds. His head was screaming for him to say no and to run as far away as he could; his heart was telling him to stay and listen to what Naruto had written. Naruto took a deep breath and got up to grab his guitar. The dark haired man didn't want to admit how attractive the blond looked when he came back and sat down with a guitar, ready to play him the song.

"It's kind of based on a mix of current us and our past lives, I guess," he explained before he started playing the song. The song was basically saying that whenever Sasuke was ready to give it a try he'd be waiting for him. He'd be there. It was a clear message that the man had no intent on giving up any time soon. It probably went against everything Sakura and Kiba told him to do, but he needed the other man to understand how he felt about it.

Sasuke hated the way his heart beat faster as he listened to the song. "Did you seriously write me a love song when we hardly know each other?" he asked once the blond was done. He hoped that his face didn't convey the emotions he was feeling. He didn't want the blond to get the idea that he had a chance.

"Well, technically it's based on our past life too," he reminded him. "I was thinking about doing more like that, you know about our past life. I think it'd be kind of cathartic to get it out. I know all of his feelings that he never said. Everything you don't know," he told him.

"What if I'm never ready?" he asked, trying to ignore what Naruto had just said. He didn't want to know what that Naruto may have felt.

Naruto shrugged, "Then I guess we'll see each other again in the next life." He set his guitar aside. "Look, I'm not going to push you into something you're not ready for, but I'm also not going to give up," he told him. He could see in his eyes that the dark haired man might not be as against the idea of them as he tried to pretend to be, "At least give us a chance to be friends."

"Can you really be just friends with me?" he asked. If Sasuke were honest, he wasn't sure that he'd be able to be friends with Naruto. There would always be that soulmate pull for something more and it was hard enough just working together. Past Naruto was charming too, he didn't want to let himself fall into that same trap.

Naruto couldn't lie, "If that's where it needs to start I can be. I won't lie to you, I want more. I may not know much about you, but I want to. I want to show you that I'm not that Naruto in your dreams."

Sasuke searched his eyes for some sort of deception but only found that he seemed sincere. "You can try to change my mind all you want, I know I can't stop you even if I wanted to," he told the blond. He left it unsaid he hoped that Naruto would prove him wrong. He didn't want to acknowledge that part of him, it went against everything he had felt for years. "Is there anything else you want to talk about your album?" Sasuke changed the subject.

"First, what do you think of the song? I know it's different from some of my other stuff," he was nervous about Sasuke's thoughts.

"Different isn't always bad," Sasuke told him, which he knew was probably the closest he'd get to a compliment from the other man. "It'll be relatable," he sighed, not wanting to admit that he had indeed listened to Naruto's first album. It was obvious his first album was about the excitement over the thought of meeting your soulmate and wanting to better for that person. "Better than the poppy, overly optimistic songs from your last album," he couldn't make eye contact with Naruto.

"So you did listen to my last album?" the blond grinned. It made him happy to know that the other man had heard the songs he'd written about their bond. "I'll have you know, that had great reviews and I'm expected to get best new artist. Some even think I'll get best album," he locked eyes with Sasuke. "People loved Thinking Out Loud."

"It's sappy as fuck," Sasuke countered. "Though it's probably the best song," he admitted begrudgingly.

"So you like the singer-song writer vibe more than the pop?" Naruto leaned back into the couch. "I'll keep that in mind." He played with the hem of his shirt, "You know some people thought I found my soulmate after hearing that. I had to explain that it's how I want my soulmate to feel once I do meet them."

"I should probably head out if that's all you wanted to talk about," Sasuke told him. "It is my day off after all," he stood up, feeling Naruto's eyes follow his every move.

"Do you want to go get lunch together?" Naruto asked, looking hopeful.

Sasuke almost agreed, but quickly stopped himself, "I don't think that's a good idea today." Sasuke didn't want to let Naruto in and he could feel his resolve crumbling at an alarming rate. He was relieved when the blond didn't try to change his mind and just nodded. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Tomorrow," Naruto smiled to himself, hopeful of the little bit of progress he had made as he watched him leave. He'd wait as long as it takes for Sasuke to be ready, even if it meant waiting for the next life.

Let me know what you think and if you can get the song references. There are four but probably only one is super obvious since I don't think the others are really well known.