A/N: I couldn't help myself. This is based upon a discussion over at the Snickers yahoo group, where we were commenting on the wildly out of character actions of Sara Sidle and Gil Grissom. Somehow, it evolved and I wrote this. Be warned: it is purposely wildly out of character. And I do mean that. I blatantly ignore all that we know of the characters, and write the opposite of what they would do.
All stupid phrases and actions are written as such, I assure you. This was unreasonably funny for me, though I have an odd sense of humor. So read, and either laugh or wonder what they hell is she on.
Oh yes, and be warned of season seven spoilers (kind of).
And look out for two mentions of two separate book characters. One you should all get. Actually, both you should get. But we shall see about that.
So, Enjoy!
Emily
Disclaimer: To be quite honest, I am really, really glad I do not own THESE characters. You will see why.
"Oh Gil!"
"Oh Sara!"
"Oh Gil!"
"Oh Sara!"
"My love!"
"My dove!"
"My prince!"
"My princess!"
"My snookie bear!"
"My Sara wara!"
And so went the exchange between Sara Sidle and Gil Grissom as they sat in his office. To everyone else, it would just look like a talk between boss and worker, because they were sitting across from each other. They could easily explain away they clasped hands, for everyone clasped hands nowadays! Friends, enemies, bosses and workers…
And as long as no one came close, they couldn't hear the sentiments of love flowing from the mouths of the two forensic scientists. They were words of true, true, love. Real love. True love. Truly real love.
"This is true love, my dearest Sara!"
"'Tis true, true love, my love!"
"The truest of all true loves!"
"Truer than anything else!"
"Real love!"
"Really real true love!"
So they were certainly no Marius and Cosette when it came to tender moments between lovers. So what? They were in looooooove.
Warrick walked in.
"Hey guys! I am going home. Gotta see the wife." He looked at their clasped hands. "So does that mean we are doing the whole European hand holding thing now? Sweet!" Warrick gave a nod and left to ride home in his tricked out car with his jammin' stereo.
"Shall we leave, my love?" Grissom asked Sara. "You look pale! I shall feed you the bestest of the best foods around."
"Oh my love! Your love for me shall satisfy all my cravings!"
And apparently, they were no Westley and Buttercup either. They walked out of the lab together, getting into Grissom's sweet little red sports car (they had driven in together, and thus left together).
"Where shall I take my dearest love?"
"Anywhere. As long as I am with you." Sara thought for a moment. "Though a place with a really good pork loin would be good too."
"Wherever you so desire. But not somewhere where others can see us."
"Of course not. For lest they discover our secret love!"
Grissom found them a nice place about an hour away. They were eating a nice pork roast when Sara suddenly leapt from her chair and ran to the bathroom. Grissom followed her, concerned over his beloved's safety.
"Oh my love! What has happened?" Sara wiped her mouth.
"I must admit it to you, my love. I am with child. I am to bear your child." Grissom scooped her up in a big hug.
"We must get married then! We shall start a family. But we must keep it a secret."
And so they went to a twenty-four hour chapel and got married. They went dancing afterwards, to celebrate their newly formed bond. Sara swore she saw Nick and Catherine there, but didn't really care about that.
Time flew by, and Sara's belly grew. She wore baggier clothes, so that no one would notice. Besides, Catherine and Nick were carrying on a clandestine love affair of their own, Warrick was busy with the wife, and Greg had decided that he was gay and spent all his time staring at Hodges.
Sara gave birth to a child, a boy named Gil Jr. A few months after his birth, Sara and Grissom sat up talking.
"My love, I have made an important decision."
"What is it, my love?"
"I no longer want to work. I feel that I should spend my life carrying out my duties as your wife and bearing you children." Grissom was ecstatic. Who wanted an independent wife anyways?
"Really?"
"Yes! My time would be much better spent with Gil Jr. and cooking and cleaning for you. And caring for our new baby." Grissom's eyes widened.
"You are with child again?"
"Yes!"
They kissed.
Sara popped out another baby. She was a beautiful girl, with blonde hair and blue eyes. They named the perfect little girl Mary Sue.
They got a minivan. When Gil Jr. turned four, he joined the soccer team and Sara would take him there everyday, and then take little Mary Sue to ballet. Mary Sue was only three, but she was better already then some of the girls who had been dancing forever. They were unable to have any more kids, since Mary Sue had been so perfect, so they contented themselves with what they had. When Gil Jr. joined school, Sara joined the PTSA.
No one at the lab had a clue, nor did they care, about what was going on.
They had the perfect life, yet Sara was changing. She got out her old gun one day, and studied it. Gil was unable to give her more babies, and she wanted more, damnit! And it was all Mary Sue's fault. Mary Sue, who was the most beautiful girl in the world, and was a senior in high school though only seven now.
So Sara took the gun, and when Grissom came home, she shot and killed him. Then she killed Mary Sue.
"Die die die die die die die die…"
"Die die die die…" Nick woke up to the sound of this mantra repeating over and over again, coming from the woman who was thrashing around next to him.
"Sara, Sara wake up babe. Sara…" Her eyes popped open and she shot up, looking frantically around. When her eyes fell on Nick, she let out an audible sigh of relief.
"Oh god, Nick. It was awful. I dreamed that I was with Grissom and we were all sappy and out of character and I quit work to have babies and we had Gil Jr. and Mary Sue and I was a soccer mom and we had a minivan and then I killed Grissom and Mary Sue." Nick merely shook his head and leaned down towards Sara's slightly swollen belly.
"Mommy has got to stop eating these odd foods before bed. They keep giving her nightmares."
A/N: I couldn't help but put in the nice snickers ending. I am a Snicker, after all. Again, feel free to tell me how unfunny this was. And how stupid I am. And how I should rot behind the bars of the nearest mental institution. Just review :)
Emily
Oh yes, and the two allusions were to Les Miserables (THE greatest book ever) and The Princess Bride (another great book, though not as good as Les Miserables)