Chapter X: As The World Falls Down

As the World Falls Down belongs to David Bowie.

There's such a sad love Deep in your eyes a kind of pale jewel Open and closed

Within your eyes I'll place the sky Within your eyes.

There's such a fooled heart Beatin' so fast In search of new dreams

A love that will last Within your heart I'll place the moon Within your heart.

I'll paint you mornings of gold I'll spin you Valentine evenings

though we're strangers 'til now We're choosing the path

Between the stars I'll leave my love Between the stars

As the world falls down.

"Ok, Sakura, what do you want to know?"

Kakashi said, defeated by the situation and without a place to run away. Sakura knew that talking with him seriously wasn't going to be an easy task. She also knew that Kakashi's secrets were part of his past and some traumatic things he would have been through, which put him almost in the average number of people in the world, but the real problem was how he had to deal with them. He had already told her 'another boy's sad story', so obviously, it was related to his parents or the lack of them and his almost non-existent social life. Not that she had a great one, but somehow, the Kakashi she had now in front of her wasn't that imposing figure that disarmed her with just a look.

The Kakashi she was hugging and that eventually, she would have to let go to give him space and air to freely speak because she had already learned a thing or two about him, was like a distant little boy, trying to find his words. The all-powerful and witty look had left space for a more intimate and sincere one, only reserved for those capable of breaking the shield called Professor Hatake or Dr Hatake.

"I want to know everything about you, Kakashi." Sakura answered, sitting next to him but without touching him. If something she had learnt at the hospital was that sometimes personal space was necessary. She didn't need to have a PhD like Kakashi did to know how to deal with reticent people.

"You know..." Kakashi started with an ironic smile, "generally it used to be the other way round, I asked, the other answered."

"Then today is your lucky day."

"Ieiii."

"Oh, come on, Kakashi..." Sakura was trying hard to be patient. She would have abandoned the room if he were somebody else, but she had promised otherwise.

"Ok, ok... I'm sorry, I'm a bit rusty." Kakashi said with his classic apologetical closed-eye smile.

"I think what you are is elusive, but please, start talking. We don't have all night, I want my cool Kakashi back soon." She tried teasingly. There was no damage in easing him a bit.

"Oh lord, you are always going to win, right?" Now they were understanding each other. "Ok, let me see... As you know, I'm 32, I'm an only child, I have lived on my own here for three years now, I've been to college, I finished earlier all my studies..."

"Kakashi..." Sakura adverted him, "I already know all of that, you know, right?"

"Then I don't know what you want to know." He was so good at playing dumb.

"Ok..." She sighed, "Tell me about your childhood."

"My childhood." He was caught now, and he knew it. "I was born and raised here in Konoha and always lived in the city... really Sakura? do we really need to talk?" Sakura felt a mix of cuteness and tiredness that she couldn't explain, not even to herself.

"Yes, we do. Tell me about your parents." Kakashi sighed

"Ok... my parents..."

Kakashi knew that fighting Sakura was useless. Talking about his past was inevitable. He had come to that conclusion in his car, and when he had agreed to have this kind of treacherous date they were having, just that he didn't think it would be so hard. It wasn't as if the issue was too weird or something that didn't ever happen to anybody else before, but for him, at times, it meant the world. The truth was that he didn't have a rational explanation for it, no matter how much he had studied all his life to solve the mystery of his own head or how much time he spent looking for answers. The only certainty he had was that he listened in other people once and again, the same sad story as a psychiatrist and even more as a forensic. Perhaps his only advantage was that despite everything, he had never become a psychopath, a sociopath or whatever. Nevertheless, here he was, feeling terrified of sharing his life with Sakura. The last time he did something like that, it didn't end well, and the worst part was that he would have to talk about that too. Of course, Kakashi had other friends, good friends, Genma, Guy, and even Principal Tsunade, and they knew his story but not with the details Sakura was pretending, so it was only logical to be afraid, right?

"Ok... my parents..." he started doubting, "I didn't get to know them well." It was a start.

"How so?"

"My mother died giving birth to me, so I guess I don't really miss her." He didn't want to sound like it was an outdated topic, something that didn't affect him, but in a way, it was.

"You can't say that." He knew she would respond that way, she just did, and he couldn't avoid her judging eyes.

"Oh, but it's true, Sakura. You can't miss what you never had." He looked straight into her eyes, checking if she was following him. "You can miss an idea, a concept, but not a person you never had in the first place. There is no worse nostalgia than longing for what never happened."

"That's so sad..."

"Feeling the emptiness? Yep, but don't worry, it gets worst." He said with a chuckle.

"Your father..." Sakura reasoned. He felt silent, trying to guess what her conclusion would be. "He abbandoned you."

"He did, and with capital letters." And when for the first time, when Sakura didn't say anything, he continued. "My father was a cop, a great detective, but after my mother's death, he apparently entered this dark, vicious depressive circle spiralling down and never came back. It took him only one failed mission to think that everything was lost. I was around six, I guessed, and one afternoon shortly before I got home from school, he decided it was better to end his life than stay with me."

Sakura didn't dare to move, not even to try to comfort him. She was seated next to him, crying, with her jaw clenched in a hideous grin full of hatred and disdain.

"Please, Sakura, don't cry." He said, reassuring.

"How could he? How the hell could he leave you alone? He should have protected you, been there for you. You were his baby."

"Oh yes, he should, but he couldn't. With time I learned that it's not about the people surrounding you. It's despites them. When we do what we do, it only has to do with us. I like to think he tried his best, but I wasn't enough; my love wasn't enough. I think in his head he was protecting me from the man he was becoming." Kakashi thought it was the first time he spoke so freely about his life.

"Do you mean you can understand him?" Sakura asked in disbelief.

"No, Sakura, I don't. If I do, then I'm no different from him or any other psycho I interviewed years ago. I only don't judge."

"So you are telling me that you don't judge the serial killers, the rapist, all the crazy people you had to talk too?"

"Even if I thought they were an aberration, that was not my job, Sakura. I only listened, made them talk, connected the dots, and reached corners of the mind that nobody else would, I wrote profiles, diagnoses and handdle everything to the justice. You work to save people, I objectibly worked to condemend them."

"I guess it must be tough to be surrounded by all that madness and not become a..."

"A monster?" He laughed. "It is, but when you understand your place, and then you realise that no matter how complex your life is and yet you can't understand or empathise with them, you are fine." He saw her wrinkle her nose, and somehow he felt more relaxed and found her adorable. "Look, do you cry for every patient you lose? Or do you carry the weight on your shoulders of each terminal diagnosis? Do you mourn for each case that is unfair to you?

"No, but..."

"See? Objectivity, The things we do, why, and when depend only on us. Otherwise, you couldn't be a doctor."

"You sound so cold, I can't beleive you are talking about yourself."

"Maybe it is because I'm talking about myself, Sakura." Kakashi answered. "But don't misunderstand my feelings. Getting away from the situation a bit doesn't mean it hurts less." He realised he needed Sakura's touch, so he tended his hand to her, and she sat on his lap. Her back against his chest, both looking at the rainy sky of Konoha.

"Have you worked with victims too?" Sakura asked.

"Oh yes... And that's even worst."

"Why did you quit?" And here they went again. Kakashi thought for a moment that he was safe and that the personal questions were almost ending, but it turned out he wasn't safe because now part II was about to start.

"After my father's suicide, I decided I was better on my own than in an orphanage. Still, I went under the tutelage of one of my father's agents. He was a young and talented detective, and he was also a teacher at the police school where most of the agent's children went. He made me promise him that as long as I went to school, kept in touch with him and didn't do anything reckless I could keep on living in my house."

"Isn't that a bit irresponsable? I mean you were six, what would you knew about taking care of yourself?" Sakura said, almost angry with this guy. Kakashi smiled.

"Well... Minato was a bit unorthodox with his methods, but the truth was that I spent most of my time with him and his wife, so he wasn't only a mentor; he was the father that I've never had." Kakashi hugged Sakura harder; remembering Minato was even more difficult than remembering his father. "He was the one who discovered that apparently, I was different from the rest and encouraged me to study what I did: a career for living and a career for dreaming."

"Kakashi?" Sakura started, "You seem very attached to Minato, and he sounds like a really cool guy, I wish I knew him." The punch was coming.

"Minato changed my life, Sakura."

"I'm already afraid to ask, but... Why do you talk about him in past?"

Kakashi couldn't answer that. Sakura would have to settle with the feeling of his forehead softly against her back. It would have to be enough for her to understand if she was clever. After a short moment of silence, he resumed the conversation. He wanted this over as soon as possible. He only wanted to return to his usual self, in his now usual dynamics with the girl on his lap.

"You asked me why I quit my job, right?" Kakashi asked, now separating a bit from Sakura.

"Please tell me there is nobody else dying." Sakura whispered. He laughed.

"No, but there is not a happy ending either."

"Oh lord..."

"At the academy, I made friends, especially two. Obito and Rin, they were a bit older than me, but it didn't matter..."

"Wait!" Sakura said, "Rin? Nohara_Rin?"

"Do you know her?" He was surprised.

"Yes... No, I mean, I saw her on your Instagram, she was your girlfriend." Kakashi chuckled.

"Look at you, Detective Haruno... but yes, that Rin. At first, we were friends. We were like a clan with Obito, the three of us. Whatever we did, we did it together until we became adults."

"What happened?" Sakura asked.

"I broke Rin's heart." His words were still like a blade. For sure, that's how Rin felt about it. He had finished everything from one day to another, and it felt like pulling Rin's heart out of her chest and squeezing it into his hands. "I always knew that Rin had feelings for me, and I thought that I also had feelings for her, and I loved her, but not in that way. It was too late when I found out that Obito was in love with Rin, really in love. That he would give his own life for her. When I finally found out, I thought it was best to break up with Rin and let Obito eventually go to look for her, but none of that happened. Obito was an idealist and a fool, he had never dared to say anything and was destroying him, and today I don't know where they are or what has happened to their lives, but neither Obito nor I stop thinking that Rin's sadness is all my fault."

"Ok, but why quiting? I don't get it." Sakura pushed.

"Because we worked together, and I wouldn't stand to see them tearing apart every day because of me."

He was exhausted. He didn't even know how long he had been talking, but his mind and body were about to enter a shock. It was like a panic attack sensation. He was sweating and trembling at the same time. He was weak, emotional weak.

"Kakashi, I'm so sorry..." Sakura started apologetically, "I didn't know..."

"Of course not, Sakura. How could you?" Kakashi said, standing from the chair and making her stand too. "It's getting late, do you want me to take you home?"

"Oh no, not with me, Kakashi." Sakura began, annoyed, "You asked me to stay. Now you are not going to put me aside and put distance between us." She said, grabbing his face, "I don't know what the hell we are, but tonight I'm here and I'm not going anywhere."

Kakashi looked down at her. She was right. He had asked her to stay no matter what, and she was honouring her promise. Sakura wasn't Rin, wasn't Minato or his father. She was something new. A fresh start, and if he wanted her in his life, he couldn't act like a little boy.

"Do you want to spend the night here?" Kakashi asked

"I never thought in doing anything else." Sakura answered, standing on her tiptoes and stealing a kiss.

"Did you bring back my clothes? Otherwise, you will have to sleep naked. I don't have too many clothes to spear."

"Yes, I brought it, but I love to sleep naked you know..." Sakura said teasingly.

Kakashi kissed her again, ravenously, fiercely, fearlessly. He poured everything he had been and everything he was into that kiss, but as soon as they reached the bed, they both knew it was only time for sleeping. Of course, Pakkun jumped onto the bed with them, and the three hugging each other fell immediately asleep, really peacefully for the first time in what seemed years.

So many things to say:

1- I don't think there will be another emotional chapter like this one again.
2- It was really hard to adapt Kakashi's story without twisting too much with other timelines, It felt like the Multiverse of Madness, but I think I did it quite well, and there are certain clues, that stay true to his canon story.
3- An unexpected quick update! Yeah, I wanted to write this one before starting to work again. Probably I'll right more chapters to have ready for weeks to come.
4-Thank you so much for all your love and everything you give me. So keep commenting, liking, sharing and all of that.

5-Kakashi, I love you, but I think you already know that!