Author's Note: An odd Sunday already? Damn, I should win the lottery and quit my job soon, does anyone have a psychic cat to provide the numbers? No? Was worth asking through.
Edit: October 10th 2021, many apologies, mea culpa, hopefully scene breaks will work as intended this time around. If not, please pelt me with comments until such time as I inflict a working fix.
So here we are. Suite No.4,02 Sleep-deprived swimming.
This one was hard to write and so far is the darkest, least hopeful chapter of the fic. That said having now written it, I am proud of it as I was really unsure if I can pull off proper grimdark, at risk of praising my own work I believe I made it.
Obligatory: No, I don't own Neon Genesis Evangelion, if I would, there would be no bomb collars in rebuilds.
Very voluntary: More so than with many other chapters, Cheerful Clatter has been extremely helpful both with the writing itself and with dealing with stuff and questions I had to deal with in the process. Once again this may be my brainchild, but Cheerful Clatter is this fic's godmother and was, is and I hope will remain an essential co-conspirator.
WARNING, things are really going to get bleak and bitter before they get any better, if that is not necessarily your cup of Tanna, or you are at a bad place right now, you might want to consider not reading at the moment.
If you still want to read, then you are absolute trooper. I hope you enjoy the chapter and leave any comment or constructive criticism that come to your mind in the comment section. Without any more ado, here it is
Suite No.4,02 Sleep-deprived swimming.
Asuka led the way through the maze of the Geofront with what looked like iron certainty. Shinji was vaguely aware they were somewhere under the cages. He did not know why Asuka insisted on coming to NERV: only that swimming was to be involved.
'I would rather not try anything, but if Asuka thinks this might work, I'll hear her out,' he thought.
Both teens looked like they hadn't slept much, or at all really. Shinji still felt the extreme bitterness of the coffee Asuka made him in the morning so they could power through the day.
Asuka slid her access card through the reader at yet another door and led the way into a cavernous space at least a hundred yards wide - and the whole space was one bloody big LCL lake. Shinji looked around yet again, amazed by Geofront. "I, I didn't know we had that much of it," he said eventually.
"It is all in the training, Baka, did they tell you anything except how to fight in an EVA?" asked Asuka irritably. Shinji had to remind himself that she was not going to be pissed at him for that before he answered: "No, not really, Misato gave me a manual, but I did not get to read it; the Third Angel sort of crashed the party," he explained while looking around the place, making damn sure to not step close to the edge.
Asuka made an irritated scowl, but then broke out into a chuckle. "You just made a joke, and a good one too, Third, keep that up!"
Shinji was lost for a moment but then he grinned back: yes, the way he put it, it could be seen as a joke. 'And whatever makes her laugh today is the best thing since sliced bread.'
-x-
They were not asleep for half an hour when Asuka first woke Shinji that night. She did not tremble or toss around this time, but she went completely rigid holding him in a strong enough grip to wake Shinji up.
"Asuka, wake up, it is just a nightmare! You are in Tokyo-3 and you are safe!" he said as he shook the young German up.
"Warum? Dummkopf? Bist du… das?" she said and for once Shinji was very grateful his beyond rudimentary German was up to the task. He smiled. "Ja, ist Ich, Asuka," he tried to respond.
When Asuka woke up fully, she rolled her eyes but relaxed a bit as she scolded: "It is 'mir,' not 'ich.' Same pronoun, just different form. Just like you say 'it is me,' not 'it is I,' unless you are like the pompous git's pompous git."
"Why don't you teach me, Asuka?" Shinji asked, happy that her mind was at least off the nightmare.
The redhead mock-glared at him. "It is either too bloody late, or too bloody early and there is way too much blood in my caffeine." She eased a bit more, now only holding on to Shinji tightly.
"A real bad one?" he asked.
"Ja, the worst one, but you woke me up in time... before the real bad part," said Asuka, visibly forcing each word out with effort…
If the "not even the worst" part was enough to mess with someone as strong as Asuka like that, then Shinji was not sure he wanted to know anymore. 'But if she wants to talk I will listen!'
He steeled himself for… anything, he guessed, and asked: "Would talking about it help?"
Asuka shook her head a little too fast. "Nein and I can not ask that of you, I am from the damaged goods section, Shinji," she said with a sigh.
"Asuka, you are not asking, I am offering," he replied after a moment.
"Baka, you don't have the faintest idea what you would be getting into. Let's try to sleep a bit more," she replied and forced her eyes shut.
'If he had the faintest idea, he'd be running for the hills like any sane person,' she thought.
-x-
"Shinji, would you watch the door? I need to change," said Asuka as she took off her bomber jacket and started to fiddle with the bow of her school uniform.
"Doors, right, watch the doors, got it!" replied Shinji and stood guard. Asuka changed into her new swimsuit and smiled wearily. 'If anyone wants in here right now, they had better bring a ram or a cave troll,' she thought.
"It is alright, Shinji, I'm decent now, you can look and make appropriate admiring noises."
He did as she told - and he did not.
"Huh, Earth to Shinji, you know you are supposed to say something, right?" said Asuka, hands on her hips.
'Not helping, Asuka!' thought Shinji. Asuka chose a jet black single-piece swimming suit with patterns made of red stones. It was not the most revealing Shinji saw her wear - but it was the most beautiful.
"You look amazing," he finally managed.
Asuka almost managed her trademark confident grin: "Of course I do. Now get changed, I'll watch the door."
As she did, she heard Shinji mutter: "Who would want to sneak a peek at me?" Asuka kept grinning. 'Maybe you would be surprised, Baka.'
Asuka looked at the wall, the steel wall, the polished surgical steel wall, the mirror-polished surgical steel wall, going through several shades of red as she did. 'He could sneak a peek just as you did right now, Asuka,' she tried to reason. But the fact that Shinji did not apologize for breathing was enough evidence that he did no such thing.
And she did like what she saw: 'I can't believe he does no sports,' thought Asuka, finally able to focus on something that did not make her feel a dozen kinds of embarrassment. Finally she turned around and walked to the edge.
"So your problem is a fear of drowning, right? Makes you not want to actually learn how to swim. First, that is nothing to be ashamed of, Shinji. And second, can you tell why I brought you here?"
"To swim?" he asked, folding his discarded clothes neatly. Asuka made sure she was facing away before rolling her eyes. "Yes, but why here and not the swimming pool?" she asked.
"Uh, I don't know," Shinji said truthfully. "Because you don't want to embarrass me if I mess up?" he added after a moment.
'That would not be a bad reason,' thought Asuka and realised that her trying to teach a teenager how to swim in a public pool might not have been the most tactful idea she ever had.
"It would do the job - but no, Shinji, what's in this tank? LCL, marginally less dense than water, so swimming is going to be harder, but it's also completely impossible to drown in. I could toss you right in with a cannon strapped to your legs and you would not drown."
"Oh, Asuka, you don't want to do that, right?" exclaimed Shinji. She almost gave him an exasperated "Of course not, Idiot!" but when she shot him a look before and saw a smile, she realized he was making another joke 'Are you trying to make me happy, Baka?' If he was, it was almost working.
"I would rather you jump yourself; you think you can do that? Jump and swim up to the surface?" Asuka got on the service ladder and tested the LCL with her feet. "Look, it's even pretty warm. So this is it, ready? Let's own that aqua phobia of yours!" She called before climbing back up to the deck.
Shinji shook his head: "I'm not really ready, but I wasn't when I killed my first angel either..." He drew breath and nodded curtly: "Let's do it."
What surprised him was that now that he was standing at the edge, he actually wanted to do it. 'It is not something I would have gone for on my own, but I want to do it, and I want to make her happy,' he thought as he gingerly made his way to the edge and looked over: it was LCL, so he could not see the bottom.
"Asuka, how deep is it?" he asked nervously.
She frowned. "Bites me if I know, but maybe a hundred meters, or a hundred and fifty? Does not matter, you can not drown in it. You. Can. Not. Drown!" she said with her best encouraging smile - which almost managed to not look scary at the moment.
"So draw a breath, jump in, swim to the surface, piece of cake," repeated Shinji trying to sound calm. Asuka squeezed his hand. "That's right, Baka, piece of cake. Want me to count us off?"
Shinji only nodded again.
"Alright, on the count of three" said Asuka smiling, and stepped to the edge.
"One."
Shinji drew a deep breath…
"Two."
Shinji let it out in surprise as Asuka jumped and jumped too before he could realise anything. They fell almost three yards to the surface, hit it and sank at least as deep again. Asuka smiled at Shinji and swam a bit ahead. She watched Shinji's swimming: he was a bit clumsy still, but damn right he could swim and made it to the surface in just a few strokes.
She headed up too and as she broke the surface, she let out her breath…
-x-
Asuka sat up in bed and drew a breath.
"Asuka! You are safe! You are at home! Tokyo-3!"
'What is that? Safe, Idiot, I close my eyes and I run to that door, except this time I know what's inside, but I can't force myself to stop,' she thought bitterly and almost tried to push Shinji away. Asuka felt spent, wasted. Three bloody times in a row she was seven again, happy again, picked to pilot Unit 02 again…
She wanted to leap out, and run, run, until she was somewhere where no one would find her. Until she was somewhere where she could safely break down.
She could not possibly come undone here - 'Not in front of Shinji,' she told herself.
'Or maybe only in front of Shinji and no one else in the world?' Asuka shook her head resolutely and tried to shelve that idea.
It kept sneaking back at her though. Because she was beginning to feel safe, or the next closest thing to it she knew in years.
She looked at the clock: 'Three in the morning, I got some sleep, Hurrah!' She tried to get up to go and make herself a coffee, but found herself unable to move. Shinji was still holding her tight even though he shut up and buried his face in her hair.
A flare of irritation flashed through Asuka's mind. She doused it with an iron will, before it could show, and thought: 'Not his fault! None of it!'
She kept the focus on her breath. 'It is only an old dream,' she told herself. She forced herself to attempt to smile, but it came more like a predator baring their teeth at first. Asuka felt thankful for the darkness.
"I'm fine Shinji, you can let go," she said once she trusted herself to say it as a gentle request and not bark it out as an order. He shook his head but ceased to hold her as tightly:
"You are not fine, I have you on a polygraph."
That made Asuka smile - it was the thinnest of smiles, but it was honest. "You think you can turn my words against me, Third?" she asked and looked him in the eyes before going on: "No, I am not fine. But I am much, much, better than I would be alone right now. Thanks, Shinji."
And to her surprise it was true, 'It is not like I would not see it again, were I to close my eyes right now. I could count the steps, the doors, hell, I could remake the doll with nothing but rags and sewing supplies.' Asuka knew all that, but all the same, the well-known and well-hated cold dread of sleep was not there.
They spent a few moments sitting in comfortable silence and Asuka realised she actually felt sleepy for a change. She almost never awakened on her bad nights; if she went to sleep again it was because she forced herself to do it.
Asuka stifled a yawn. "Once more unto the breach, Shinji, let's go to sleep," she said, resting her head on Shinji's chest. When she drifted asleep a few minutes later, she dared to hope that it was enough nightmares for one day.
-x-
She was completely wrong. Until Asuka saw Shinji jump with her, she was almost sure he would refuse to jump into the hundred meters' depth of LCL.
This was her last try: she would not frog-march him to a pool full of water again. 'But I decided to take a chance on this and it worked, somehow.'
It made her feel, if not good, then at least a lot less bad about herself. Asuka tapped the wall on the one end of the LCL tank, and made for the other wall as fast as she could. She did not bother to bring a stopwatch, not knowing the exact dimensions of the tank, but she felt like some hard exercise would do her good right now.
She saw Shinji taking after her, faster than she would think he could, but still nowhere near fast enough to keep up. Still, she did not manage to clear a full length on him by the time she made her fourth pool, so she waited, holding on the service ladder.
"You are doing fine, Baka!" she greeted him when he swam back across.
"You jumped too soon, Asuka!" said Shinji when he grabbed onto the ladder as well. "You were supposed to count to three!"
"It is like fixing a disjointed arm, you do it on the count of two, because it hurts more on the count of three. It's psychosomatic, but the more time you get to prepare for something uncomfortable, the more uncomfortable it feels," she explained.
"So it is better to do things when you are NOT ready for them?" Shinji asked, looking a bit confused.
"It is with the things you know you will never be ready for until you do it. I don't know, say the first solo flight in a plane," Asuka answered.
Shinji's eyes might just have been replaced with saucers: "You can pilot a plane?"
"Not nearly as perfect as an EVA, but yes, I got my wings," replied the redhead. "Are you OK? I can see you are holding up, but not if you are OK… you gotta tell me."
Shinji was silent for a moment before speaking: "I'm good, not comfortable, yet, but much better than the last time. Thank you, Asuka," he threw her an unsure but honest grin.
Asuka grinned back. 'The difference one can make by asking and actually listening instead of thinking they know best for everyone else,' she thought.
"Once more across?" she asked and set off the moment Shinji nodded.
-x-
"Stop, stop, you idiot!"
It was of no use, of course, Asuka knew that. She had stopped counting the times she got here a long time ago. She was locked in the memory of her seven-year-old self, skipping down the hospital corridor with only two corners to go.
"You don't want to find her, stupid!"
She could just get comfortable and enjoy the show, or try to wake up in vain. Asuka made a mental equivalent of a shrug and sighed, "So here we go again."
Her younger self made it across the last corner and ran even faster, all happy and smiling, bringing the good news to her momma.
"Fifty meters," muttered Asuka as she watched the dream unfold. There was something odd to knowing a nightmare this well.
Asuka had tried ALL the ways of dealing with nightmares, but every single one except sleeping pills failed miserably. Once in a while, she would try run down this clean hospital hallway as fast as she could, in vain hope of making it less horrible at its end by making it shorter. It NEVER worked.
"Forty meters." Her mental voice was almost drowned in the jiggles of her naive younger self. She noticed some spider webs on one of the doors she passed and focused on it as damn hard as she could. Sometimes focusing on insignificant and unrelated details made the dream less horrible.
"Thirty meters." The spider web was gone from her mind, as was the hospital orderly who she just skipped by. She spent a fraction of a moment thinking about how she hated them. "Why could none of them find her instead?"
By now all possible distractions were gone. Asuka could not resist looking at the looming doors, knowing what was behind it.
The greatest fear was not that of the unknown.
"Twenty meters." The greatest fear could be something you knew very fucking intimately. Asuka did not need to open that door to picture the room: the windows she never once saw open, or even without the shutters, the dim light provided by the reading lamp, the never-used writing desk.
"Fucking everything!" Asuka snarled. She could redraw that room from memory.
"Ten meters." Asuka tried to shake, to roll, to do anything that might wake her up - to no avail.
"Here we go, Brace for impact, Sohryu," she said to herself.
And then she felt pain, actual physical pain. Asuka was confused. There was not supposed to be any pain.
Her younger self reached for the door knob. And again there was more pain. This was not supposed to be part of the experience. She frowned: was the nightmare getting even worse?
-x-
Shinji went from being a bit annoyed to worry to outright afraid. The only thing that pre-empted him from panicking was that he could feel Asuka breathing.
"I must not panic, I will not panic. It is only a nightmare!" he reminded himself sternly. Asuka needed to wake up, now, that was important, the only thing that was important.
He shook her up as hard as he dared but it was for naught. Shinji's mind went a light-year a second. He had tried talking already. What more could he do? 'Water, but how do I get it here? No, that will take too long...'
Then he got an idea. He was sure, he KNEW, Asuka would be mad for it, but it might get the job done. Shinji drew a breath and pinched Asuka as hard as he dared.
She was not in Germany any more. Asuka opened her eyes and howled into darkness. This felt real, the blasted pain in her right hip felt very real, thank you very much!
"Shinji?!" she asked, shaking off the last of the sleep.
"You are awake. Sorry for pinching you, I did not know what else! You weren't waking-"
She shook her head so vehemently her hair hit Shinji and he leaned away. Asuka put a finger across his lips,
"Ja, Dummkopf, it hurts, but I am not pissed you did it. The dream is much worse, so stop apologising."
Asuka sat up and looked at the clock: half past five, and she had got maybe three hours of sleep… that would have to do. She got up and turned back:
"Shinji, I am going to get some coffee, you go back to sleep, that is an order. "Don't worry, I won't do anything stupid." She forced a smile. "You take all the stupid with you…"
With that, she left. 'I hope he is not an idiot and will do as told,' she thought. Asuka had already caused him proper sleep deprivation over the weekend. She waited till Shinji went to sleep and then took away the alarm clock. She would wake him up at the time for school, not a minute sooner.
-x-
When Asuka finally sat down to her "Coffee-from-Hell", she felt terrible - but also a lot better than she had any right to hope.
'There is no way he would take that kind of baggage, you have to be realistic about these things, Asuka,' suggested the nice, neat, and rational part.
'There is also no way he should have trusted me to fight with me minutes after meeting me. No way he should have jumped after me at the volcano, no way he should ever treat me a third as well as he does.'
She frowned. Was that not what she wanted? She thought, at first, that it was just a Pavlov reflex: a "Pavlov Shinji" that would reward any scrap of kindness shown with unconditional loyalty. But he kept treating her well, even if she would snarl and bark at him on her worst days.
And he defied orders: for her, he had broken Misato's order to stand down, and for Rei, he was breaking a dozen and one standing orders of Commander Ikari - who, in addition to being in charge of all NERV operations, also happened to be his own father - even if he hardly treated Shinji like a son.
Yes, Shinji was almost unconditionally nice to people who treated him well, but she was mistaken to - for so long - have believed that meant he had no spine. And he treated her unconditionally well even when she had her bad days, but not because he was too weak.
'It's because he is wise enough to realise when I am feeling bad and strong enough to let it slide if I am an asshole then,' she thought, feeling herself blush.
"And I can't really keep this, whatever it is, going for ever without telling him everything." Asuka drew a surprised breath - she had not meant to say that aloud. But she did, and it was almost as if that broke something. An illusion, maybe, that she could somehow dance her way around being a broken bird for years to come. 'He would really have to be an idiot for that to work.'
She would have to talk.
Asuka stared down eldritch horrors, fought in many battles, and was even now breaking the Commander's orders to help a girl she did not particularly like.
And none of that particularly scared her. It was just another day in office for Asuka Sohryu. But this terrified her.
"I will have to... No, that's not right." She did not have to do anything; if she was comfortable keeping Shinji in darkness, she knew he would accept it and would not push her.
'That is right, if I want to be a colossal bitch, I can and I'll get away with it too!' But here was the problem... she did not want to.
"Nein, I want to tell him, I will tell him." She gulped down the rest of her coffee, not caring that it was still almost scorching hot. If the nice things were to end, it would not be because Asuka Sohryu was a coward.
