Here's Chapter 13! Sorry that it has been so long -- I've been sick. This chapter is shorter than most, but it's very full. As always, please read and respond!
Chapter Thirteen
Kate stood starting at Jack in complete silence for a full minute. Finally finding her voice she spoke, "What did you just say?"
He took a step away from her and rubbed his temples. With a slight shake of his head, Jack met her eyes. "I didn't mean that, Kate."
"How -- how do you --" Kate swallowed hard, trying to clear her throat. She pushed her hair out of her face and stared up into his eyes. "How the hell do you know that, Jack?"
Jack stepped forward, reaching for her. A desperate look crossed his face, and his voice came out strained, "I'm sorry, Katie. I just --"
In a quick, thoughtless motion Kate brought her hand up, striking him across the face. The expression in her eyes was lethal, "Don't ever call me that again."
He stared at her, mouth slightly open and Kate almost reached out for him, wanting to apologize, wanting to explain everything, hoping that there must be some good reason for him to have the information he did. Instead, she stood where she was, not quite meeting his gaze.
After a few more seconds of silence, she pushed her way past him down the stairs to the laundry room. Ripping the clothes she had arrived in off the hangers she turned to rush out of the room. Colliding with Jack, she let out a startled gasp, before trying to move past him.
Jack was quicker than Kate and he grabbed her by the arms, forcing her to drop what she was holding. "What are you doing? Running away? You can't just leave."
Yanking herself from his grasp, Kate tried to fight her way past him once more. "Don't tell me what I can't do!"
He released her, yelling after her as she picked up her clothes and walked into the living room. "This is exactly why I didn't tell you about me and Sarah. This is exactly why I didn't want anything to happen between us! I knew that you'd just leave when you wanted. I knew when things got a little too tough, you'd be out the door!"
"This isn't about you and Sarah, Jack! God, not everything is about you, you, you," Kate yelled, frustrated. She hurled the clothes she was holding in her hands at him. "This is about how the hell do you know what I did!"
Jack swallowed hard, and glanced away. "When they took me in for questioning about you after we were rescued, they told me what you were wanted for. I guess they thought if I did know something I wasn't telling them, knowing what you had done would make me less sympathetic towards you." He shrugged quickly, as if the facts were unimportant.
Kate stared at him open-mouthed, "So you're saying you've known about this the entire time I've been here? You knew even before I came?"
Jack nodded, "Yeah. I've known the entire time. But Kate, I don't judge you by what they told me. That should be obvious."
He tried to continue on, but she interrupted him by grabbing a throw pillow of the couch and throwing it in his general direction. "Just shut up, Jack! None of it means anything. None of this means anything because you knew and you didn't even tell me that you knew! How long were you planning on keeping it to yourself?"
"I wasn't planning on telling you I knew!" Jack's voice raised to meet her tone. "I was going to let you come to me with it yourself. But I guess it's pretty obvious that was never going to happen!"
"It's not your business!" Kate tried desperately to hold the tears back from spilling down her cheeks.
"Not my business?" Jack laughed. "No, I'm sorry. I'm only sleeping with you every night. I'm only risking everything to let you live here with me. I'm just the guy who cares about you more than anything else. I'm only the man who's in love with you. You're right, it's not my business."
"None of that is the point, Jack," Kate shook her head. "You knew about me all along, but never wanted to share anything about you. I've been walking around this house in your ex-wife's clothes for the past few months, and you act like it's normal. Like it doesn't bother you to see me in them. Do you just picture her when you see me? Are you still in love with her?"
Jack's face clouded over, "I was never in love with her, Kate. I just thought I was. I thought she was in love with me. When I was done fixing her I --"
"What happens when you're done fixing me?" Kate interrupted with a whisper, finally allowing a single tear to slip down her cheek.
"It's not like that with us," Jack argued, stepping closer to her. "I don't want to fix you, Kate. You don't need to be fixed. I love you how you are. I don't want to fix you, I just want to love you. I just didn't think that you knowing that I knew was important, Kate. It doesn't --"
"Not important?" Kate asked incredulously. "Not important? It's not important that I killed someone or that I --" She cut her sentence short, a look of realization dawing on her face, and she took a step away from Jack. "What all did they tell you about?"
Jack shrugged, glancing away from her, "Everything I guess. You going back to see your mom, that guy getting shot, the bank robbery. . ."
"That guy getting shot?" Kate's voice broke with emotion, growing louder with each word. "That guy getting shot? Who the hell do you think you are to talk about him that way? You didn't know him! Did they even tell you his name? Do you have any idea how important he was to me, and how much I hate myself now? You don't know me! You don't know anything about me. You think you do because of the sh-t they told you? You have no idea! You don't know what it was like. You don't know why!"
Before she could control herself she lunged forward at him, pummeling his chest with her hands. How dare he talk about Tom as if he were just some important guy? How dare he pass judgement on Kate as though knowing what she did actually gave him insight into what kind of person that made her? This was never how she had imagined the conversation about what she had done going. Jack was never even supposed to find out. He was the only person ever who had made her feel like that wasn't what defined her. Now that was all going to change. The anger was so overwhelming she could hardly breathe.
Jack kept reaching for her hands, trying to stop her attack, but she was too quick. Finally, he was able to stop her, capturing each of her wrists in a hand. Letting out a yelp, she tried unsuccessfully to pull away.
"Stop it!" he spoke the words harsher than he meant them, but his emotions were getting the best of him. "Stop it, Kate. Just calm down!"
Jack was trying so hard to restrain her that when her body went weak, he almost lost his grip and let her fall to the ground. Pulling Kate towards him quickly, he felt tears fill his eyes as she sobbed against him.
"I'm sorry," he whispered into her hair. "I'm so, so sorry."
Kate pulled away enough to look at him. Taking a shaky breath, she spoke, "If you kept this from me this entire time, Jack, what else are you keeping from me? You want us to trust each other, and then you do stuff like this."
"It's just because it doesn't matter to me, Kate," Jack whispered, trying to dry her face. "You're you and your past doesn't mean anything. What is it you want me to say? Do you want to know about me and Sarah? Is that going to fix this? The reason we got divorced --"
"I don't want to know right now!" Kate shook her head. "It just. . . just stop, okay? Just because you know what I did doesn't mean you'll understand it. You're not the type of person who's going to understand it, Jack. I just -- I just can't do this right now Just don't touch me right now, alright?"
Ignoring the hurt look on his face, she stepped back completely out of his embrace. "I just need to be alone for a little bit, Jack. I'm going to go take a shower."
He nodded shortly, and she slowly walked upstairs, taking a quick glance back just in time to see Jack removing a whiskey bottle from the liquor cabinet.
After a long, hot shower Kate felt slightly better. She knew she had gone a little overboard on her attack on Jack. But just the thought of him knowing, and being so callous when it came to Tom -- she stopped her train of thought before it went any further. She couldn't expect Jack to understand things without a full explanation. Of course the Feds would have twisted everything to make Kate look like a horrible person who hadn't cared about anything or anyone. She, herself, would have to be the one to make him understand everything that had happened.
She was surprised to find that he wasn't in the living room, study or kitchen. Casting a quick glance out at the back lawn she noticed the lights surrounding the pool were on. Opening the backdoor she quickly hurried across the lawn towards them. She found Jack sitting on the edge, dangling his feet in the water. He was staring into the distance, unaware of her presence.
A feeling of love for him overpowered her so much that she almost hated herself for it. How could she have let herself get so attached?
Kate took a seat next to him, pulling her legs up against her chest. She smiled softly as his gaze fell on her. "Hey."
"Hey," Jack whispered back, reaching a hand over to touch a wet curl. "Back to the natural look, I see."
Nodding, Kate cast her gaze out into the water. "Yeah, couldn't stay that made-up forever."
Glancing back over at him, she saw how intently he was starting at her. With an almost imperceptible shake of his head, he told her, "You don't need all that extra stuff to make you beautiful. You're perfect just like this."
The expression on Jack's face was such an open, honest one that Kate found it hard to tear her gaze away. She licked her lips and he spoke again, tugging on the leg of the sweatpants she was wearing, "I like you in my clothes."
Her expression hardened slightly. "I don't want to wear hers anymore."
When Jack didn't respond, Kate motioned to the whiskey bottle that sat next to him. "Back to the old habits, I see."
He swallowed hard. "I didn't drink any of it. I couldn't. I just can't hurt you like that, Kate. Not again. Not after I've already hurt you so bad."
Glancing away, Kate whispered, "It's okay, you know."
Jack turned towards her sharply, confused. "What's okay?"
"That you're starting to realize we can't last forever."
Not being able to look at her, Jack gazed into the pool, watching his reflection as tears began to fall down his cheeks. "I'm never going to accept that."
Kate didn't respond for a long while, and they just sat there, not touching, not even looking at each other. Finally looking at him, she said softly, "His name was Tom."
Jack nodded, not meeting her eyes. "I didn't mean to sound like I didn't care about what happened, Kate. That's not it at all."
"He had a wife and a baby," Kate's voice broke. "I think about them every day. About what I did to them."
"You can't blame yourself," Jack told her softly, knowing very well that his words meant little to nothing to her. "You're not responsible for other people's actions, Kate. You can't think you are. Otherwise you'd find that you hated yourself for everything bad that's ever happened to anyone you ever knew."
"Most of it's my fault," Kate whispered, glancing away from him. Her voice came out strangled as she continued on, "Wayne wasn't actually my step-father. He was my real father."
Jack watched her closely as she continued on with her story. In excruciating detail she outlined everything that had happened from the moment her mother divorced the man Kate had thought to be her real father through her mother's remarriage to Wayne, the pain everyone in that house experienced, what had finally made Kate decide to do what she had ultimately done and then the pain she had experienced at her mother turning her in. When her body began to rack with silent sobs Jack was almost afraid to touch her.
She turned to him, her face red from the tears she had wept. She looked different to him. More real. "And when - when I wanted to tell her good-bye. She was afraid of me. My mother was afraid of me, Jack. She called for help. She called for help. . ."
Still not quite sure what to say, Jack enveloped her in his arms. Kate clung on to him in a way she never had before. It was as if she physically needed him for support. She only cried onto his chest for a few moments, before pulling away and quickly wiping her face. She turned, giving him an almost apologetic smile.
Jack took his face in her hands, gazing into her eyes, "I am so glad you told me this, Kate. And you have to know that none of it makes me love you any less. You finally sharing your past with me only makes me love you more. There's nothing you could ever tell me that's going to change the way I feel for you."
"I know," Kate nodded, the tears beginning to fall again. "I know that, I do. And that's what makes us so dangerous."
Jack looked at her as if she were slightly crazy, "We're not dangerous."
"Maybe we're not," Kate said with a shrug. "But what you feel for me is. I know what that kind of love can make people do, Jack. That's what scares me about being here. If anything happened to you because of me, I would never forgive myself."
"Everything is going to be alright, Kate," Jack said softly, reaching over and pushing a strand of hair away from her eyes. "Just stop worrying about it all so much. I'm going to be fine, this is going to be fine."
Kate stared at him silently for several moments, wondering whether he was ridiculously naïve or if he had was just saying all that for her own benefit. He should know better than to think she'd believe it if that were the case.
Giving a short nod, she turned her attention back to the water. Her eyes followed the tiny ripples caused by a cool breeze. Finally, after feeling Jack's gaze on her she turned back to him. "What?"
"What I said earlier, at the party, when Megan asked if we had any plans for marriage," his voice trailed off as he held her gaze. "I meant it."
Kate shook her head, tearing her eyes away from his. "Jack, don't."
"It's true, Kate," Jack said, reaching out for her. She swatted him away quickly, but he continued on. "I think about what it would be like if I could propose to you. If we could get married, and have babies, and a real life together. I think about it all the time, Kate."
"Well, you shouldn't!" Kate snapped, dodging his grasp again, and standing up. Tears filled her eyes. "You can't propose. We can't get married. We can't have anything real, Jack. This is it, okay? This is as far as it goes! The sooner you learn to accept that, the better off we'll both be."
Jack stood and faced her, anger evident in his glassy eyes. "Why do you always have to be this way? I don't understand you, Kate! You act like you don't want any of this! So if you don't, do us both a favor and get out."
"That's not what I'm saying at all, Jack!" Kate yelled, furiously wiping tears off her face. "I just want you to be happy with what we have rather than trying to make it something that it's not and will never be!"
He turned away, not letting her see the tears falling down his face. Jack cried silently for several seconds before composing himself and turning back to her, "I love you, Kate."
Kate stood, a million things running through her mind, but nothing coming out. Finally, she shrugged, and whispered, "I'm going to bed."
Jack just shook his head, and looked so angry that Kate had to turn away. Opening the patio door, she whispered, "Good-night, Jack," before quickly disappearing inside. The last thing she heard before walking upstairs was the muffled noise of glass shattering against concrete.
Almost two hours later Jack finally entered his bedroom, overcome by fatigue. He stopped in the doorway, staring at Kate's silhouette for several seconds before moving towards his dresser. After changing, he climbed into bed, resting his hand softly against her cheek.
"I know you're right," he whispered to her. "But I don't know if I'll ever be able to admit to you, or even myself, that this isn't real. Because it is, Kate. It's the most real thing I have ever experienced. And there's nothing you can say that's going to change my mind about that. It doesn't matter to me that we can never have anything more than what we are right now."
Jack leaned closer down to her, running his lips softly across her cheek. "What we are right now is enough for me. As long as I have you here with me, I have everything I need."
He started to continue, but her voice interrupted him. "I'm not asleep."
Jack shifted backwards, startled for a second, but then relaxed back down next to her again. They were both quiet for a minute. "I mean it. I don't need anything more than this."
Kate's lips met his in a long kiss, and he tangled his fingers in her hair, keeping them there after the kiss broke, holding her close against him. "Just you will always be enough for me."
She nodded against his chest, and Jack leaned back, stroking her hair as he drifted off. The last fuzzy memory before sleep overtook him was the whisper of, "I love you," in his ear.
