Author's Note and Shout-outs
I guess I could do this: just me to you. Replying to feedback. Also, if it's been addressed in a chapter, then I won't. Or if it's just "I love it! Update soon!" I mean, I appreciate it, it's just…well…I can't comment on it.
eternalhope08:
longer chapters.2. more details
3. background info
4. character development
Thanks…I'm really trying!
ranathalion:
Check through each chapter before posting to spot punctuation, spelling and grammar mistakes. Also, descriptions like "some sort of horn" don't cut it, elaborate.
Yeah, I know. Elaborating on "old-fashioned" things is not really my thing. But I'm going to actually gasp look stuff up so it seems like I actually know about all that stuff.
crazyroninchic:
Well, if you want advice on how to get better, I guess I could give it a shot...
Well, you are very good at updating regularly, but I'd say that it would probably be good to try to make the chapters longer. It is somewhat frustrating to just get into the chapter to have it end. When I'm writing, I get down all my first thoughts, then go back and add more.
I hope that was helpful.
Thanks: my main flaw seems to be ELABORATE! And I will try to write about 4-5 pages before I update, and make sure they are good. Thanks for the tip!
AAmelia Black:
hm...:)
An interesting concept yes, though not a huge fan of mine..it seems that the majority of fan fics are all Peter-centered, an OC falling in love with him, etc etc...
but I have to say that Lorelei is pretty developed and you've done well with that.
The story is a bit choppy though, unless that's how you intended it. Everything seems very adrupt and it's very fast-paced, but that can be a good thing, depending on where you're planning on going with it :)
I, myself, have just recently entered the realm of Narnia fan-fic writing. Got 2 chpts up of my first fic and you know, here are a few things that really helped me (tho I'm still incredibly nervous about my fic lol)
1) i've watched the movie countless times (helps with imagry)
2) read the books many times
3) read other people's fan fiction (that's what actually inspired me to write)
4) really worked on descriptions and more paragraphs than just simply dialogue
other than that, your grammer, all that is really good. I would just suggest in lengthening spots to include more detail, more descriptiveness. But hey, its all up to you (bows to author) :)
Yes, thanks for the comment about Lorelei being well developed. That's one of my goals. Thanks for the tips and stuff.
Tinkerbellexx:
Hi. well overall its okay for a story. Coming from me, saying its okay is a real compliment. First of all, when I think of Lorelei, I hear Gilmore Girls. Taking Narnia is fine, good plotline, but it needs way more detail. Emotion, emotion, emotion. For example, when Wren said I love you, put way more detail and emotion, I mean they just meet for crying out loud. When she said I love you back, explain the feeling that she's going through. The blacking out...what was that, again we need explinations on how that all went down. Way more emotions woman. By the way, my neighbor's last name is Fletcher. Please try to be more original. And with your story. Lidsay Lohan's song is what you put for chapter 3. Cofessions of a Broken Heart. Where's the broken heart in the story as well.
Um, they did know each other. Wren "fought" for her. That was supposed to be covered in an upcoming chapter. And no, they did not just meet. She blacked out because, well, I don't know if you know, but a severely broken heart can do that to people (trust me, I know). And about your neighbor...I don't honestly think that you can tell me to make my pen name more original. It holds sentimental value for me, and I do NOT feel like telling everyone why. And as for, Where's the broken heart in the story.
Hmm…let's see.
Sorry if that was harsh, but NO. ONE. EVER. SAYS. "WAY. MORE. EMOTIONS. WOMAN." TO. ME.
I rest my case.
cascade-of-black-ink:
I think that the inclusion of the songs is a good idea, though a little too pop-ish for Narnia. What I notice most about the story is how rushed everything is: suddenly Peter's getting married and then Lorelei has a fiancee. If you had shown how exactly close Lorelei is to the Pevensies (through simple but meaningful daily activities together like hunting, playing chess, hide and seek) it would have made me truly empathise with Lorelei's difficult situation. And might I just remark that there were no other humans in Narnia before the Pevensies came along. Humans thrived in Narnia after the invasion of the Telmarines. Other than that, it's a good story.
Thanks…I'm the sort of writer who leaves things completely unexplained until the end. Makes people want to keep reading. But, yeah. I got your PM and there were, but desendents of Helen and Frank. I think that I should probably not be like I am and say "Okay, there are going to be seven chapters with these titles, these song excerpts and these events." I should probably take it a little more as it comes.
neoprincessrini:
WOW...your story rocks! I love the way you narrate it in First Person...not everyone can! But something I noticed is that I don't think your heroine should be SO obsessed with Peter. Also I think you are rushing into the plot. Maybe you can make her and Edmund conspire to break up Peter's engagemaent...shifty eyes and maniacal laughter
Keep up the excellent work, and do update soon! I'm waiting!
I'm basically writing from personal experiences: how you can feel when you are so deeply in love. Then again: love is a very tricky topic to write about.
Sugar, We're Going Down Swinging:
It's a really good story.
I like how although this is an OC fanfic, you didn't make her preppy and perfect. Most writers make their characters inhumaine with no flaws.
A suggestion I would make is probably make the chapters longer, or the entries longer. Add some more description as well. Like when you said Peter was walking by, muttering to himself, instead you could say something like "Peter walked by, a pained expression on his face, muttering words for his ears only. He looked..." and what not.
It's really amazing, keep it up.
By the way, love the song! Yeah, I hate it when writers do that too. I get that one of my majors flaws is details a lot. I will try. Thanks for saying my writings good! As you may know, it's kinda intimidating to put your work on the internet and just wait to see what people say.
And…that's all. Thanks guys.
