"Somewhere, a Clock is Ticking"

by Bleu

:Tiny Little Fractures:

It took Addison less than three nanoseconds to decide that casually sharing a secret she had been harboring clandestinely for eight weeks with Callie was probably not the most prudent decision she had ever made.

And she had made some pretty unwise decisions in the past.

The six feet of previously empty space separating the women in the exam room shrunk abruptly and was immediately teeming with tension. Addison fingered the edge of her only slightly stained dress as Callie blinked and tried uncomfortably to clear her throat.

"I-I'm sorry." Addison stammered, and found herself floundering again, her confidence shaken. She damned the weakness in her voice. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to just throw that on your lap."

She watched as natural astonishment and discomfort battled with the orthopedic surgeon's resolve to remain noncommittal in expression.

"That's fine, Doc—Addison. Really." Callie bit her lip. She remembered the feeling she was experiencing from many she had experienced as a teenager—the ardent desire that the earth would open up and swallow her, taking her far away from her mortifying present.

Addison's resolve, which had been hesitantly reconstructing its walls, crumbled. She turned quickly to hide her face.

"If you…if you could not say anything…" her voice was shot through with cracks of desperation. "I really am sorry. You can go. I'm fine." She wrapped her hands around the edge of the counter until her knuckles were white and pressed her eyes shut.

Callie felt her chest actually ache. She watched as the muscles—exposed by the beautiful gown Addison was wearing—constricted and bunched in painful looking contortions as the woman struggled valiantly and vainly against tears.

She could have left. She could have left Addison in the empty exam room, alone with thoughts of Derek and Meredith, of a child that would become another variable in the strange algebraic equation of their lives, and of her own mind and soul, obviously tormented. It was tragic, undoubtedly, but not Callie's problem. She had only just met Addison Shepherd. She liked her, but she didn't know her. There was no basis of friendship whatsoever. She was in no place to offer advice and Addison had no reason to accept it, were it offered.

And, Callie was only now gaining fragile, tentative entrance into George's "family," which included Meredith, and very clearly excluded Addison.

Callie turned, slightly, enough so her heel made a slight scratch.

"Please, Dr. Torres." Addison rasped, pressing her hands over her mouth. "Please, go. Forget, forget I ever said…"

Addison physically reacted when Callie put her hand on her shoulder.

"No." Callie stated. Addison looked at the girl's hand, to Callie's eyes, back to her hand, and then slowly back to her eyes.

"You don't…"

"I know." Callie returned her hand to a more comfortable position by her side and half-smiled. "But really, we're probably the two most hated women in this hospital. It's about time we became friends."

A smile curved Addison's lips.

"I suppose you have a point." She took another paper towel from the nearby dispenser, and dabbed her dried mascara futilely.

"So…does he…know?" Callie inquired, unable to think of anything more appropriate.

Addison paused in dabbing her eyes, turned from Callie to the dispenser, gauged her reflection for a few moments, and then shook her head.

"No." She could have stopped there. Instead, she averted her eyes to her hands, nervously folding the towel around and through her fingers.

"Oh." Callie responded. Not that it was in any way a justification, or even a realistic idea that if Derek had known of the baby he wouldn't have had sex with Meredith, but somehow it made things a little better for his soul. Not, Callie realized, for Addison's.

"He…we…we've been married eleven years." Addison explained, feeling…old in that moment. She turned, leaning her back against the counter. "We talked about children in the beginning—neither of us was outright opposed to having them, but we wanted careers, too. So we decided when the time was right, we'd know and we'd do it then." She tried to remember that Derek, who had been so full of ambition and light and ideal. He—and she—thought they could have it all. And now here they were…

"Anyway…it became the cliché. "The right time" never came, and then there was the careers, the distance, the affairs, the reconciliation…it just never happened."

"What changed now?" Callie asked, sitting on the edge of the bed. Addison lowered her head.

"I got…desperate, I guess." She shook her head slowly. "I didn't think so at the time, but now I realize that's exactly what it was." She swallowed, and her eyebrows creased in a fashion Callie knew she was about to cry.

"You don't have to…I didn't mean to pry."

"No, no, I'm okay." Addison took a breath and pushed a few errant hairs from her face. "About three months ago, the man—Mark—with whom I had cheated on Derek, came back to Seattle. Full of pleadings, promises, anything to get me to go back to New York with him. He outright told me Derek didn't love me."

"How heartless…" Callie began, disgusted.

"Sensitivity was never Mark's strong suit. He didn't mean to hurt me—in fact he's one person I think would never deliberately hurt me. But he…well, he wanted me to come back with him. And with Derek…it was so hard. The unspoken blame, guilt, denial of his relationship with Meredith. It took so much out…I was so tired…"

"You were tempted," Callie supplied after Addison stopped speaking. "You were tempted to go back to New York with Mark, weren't you?"

Addison closed her eyes just as two fresh, mammoth tears streaked down her face.

"Yes. I was." She let her head fall back as she blinked against more tears. "I was so ashamed. Derek had left, and he was so angry, furious, enraged. But not in a way that…not yelling, not jealous, just furious. No passion for me, for any of it. Just fury at being betrayed...the fact that it was me didn't matter." she brought her head back, and smoothed her dress.

"Mark had, had asked me to meet him at Joe's if I changed my mind. I didn't go there, but I didn't go home either. I walked…around. The hospital. The neighborhood. Seattle. I was…I was giving Derek time to leave me again."

"But he didn't?"

"No. He didn't. I finally got back to our house after dark, and he was…there. I was shocked. I couldn't even speak. I changed into my pajamas, and then tried, but he was…silent. Distant. Unreachable." She pressed the heels of her hands against her eyes as a sob escaped her.

"I-I-I sat in the living room, staring into my coffee, for two hours. He was there, but he wasn't. He spoke, smelled, felt, looked like Derek, but he wasn't. Not for me. He didn't want to be there anymore, I knew it. And all I could think…was how long will he be able to suffer to be "the good guy"? I had…I had to do s-s-s-something…" Sobs wracked Addison's entire body, and Callie rose quickly, put her hands on her shoulders, and swiftly guided her to sit in a nearby chair.

"Addison…Addison, you need to breathe." Callie grabbed a paper bag and handed it to Addison, who was shaking so badly she could hardly hold it.

"I-I didn't tell him but I s-s-stopped taking my contraceptives...Oh God, how could I have been so stupid..." she choked in an effort to breathe.

"Relax, Addison, relax. Take deep breaths. Focus on inhale, exhale…crying will make it worse…try to fight it…" She continued with similar soothing phrases, even while Addison gasped, "how could I have been so stupid," over and over in heartbreaking anguish.

The pain and despair became tangible, flooding the room, and Callie could barely keep from crying as the minutes passed, but finally, with her head buried in her hands, Addison was still.

"There you go. Your baby is very grateful." She assured her softly with a smile.

"Have you ever considered a career in neonatal or pediatrics?" Addison inquired thoughtfully as she looked up at Callie.

Callie laughed. "Can't say I have."

"Shame. You'd be a good one."

Callie blushed in spite of herself.

"Well, Callie…" Addison stood with more stead than Callie would expect. "I've traumatized you enough for one night, I suppose. But hiding in here," she made a gesture to the hospital, "won't change anything." She moved past Callie, but then turned and unexpectedly embraced her.

"Thank you." She whispered. "Thank you so much."

"I'm so sorry. This is…unfair." Callie replied, returning the embrace.

Addison was the first to break the embrace, and she walked to the door.

"What will you do?" the words tumbled out of Callie's mouth, falling on top of each other out of newfound, oddly deep concern.

Just when she was about to pass the threshold, Addison slowly wrapped her fingers around the doorframe, turned, and whispered, "Just keep breathing."

A/N: Two chapters in one day is a record! But I'm not sure what to do about continuing, improving, etc. Let me know what you think. Thanks.

-And a big thank you for those of you who reviewed so far. Muchly appreciated!

-Again, chapter title is a Snow Patrol song. Showing the love.