The Diego Diaries: Canoodling (dd8 565)

=0=At a conference meeting

Ironhide leaned into Brandon's space with a frown. "Insects." He sat back and folded his massive arms over his chassis.

Everyone who was laughing at rather than with him hurled their best 'loser' remarks before it settled down again.

Brandon Clark who had thoroughly gotten Ironhide's goat grinned at him. :Who loves ya?:

"Frag you, insect," Ironhide said with a slight grin. "Ask for something from the School Board. I dare ya."

Brandon grinned. :We will: He glanced at the others. :We found ourselves ahead of schedule on our latest crop of berries so we gave them to the dairy to be part of the yogurt production there. Our classes just had conferences and all went well. We're using the human sector of the Valles for camping and are happy as clams that we get to be in the Autobot Scouts next intake period:

All of that leadership shot him lazer optics which he ignored with a grin. :We have a number of conferences we're hosting and we want to know what the contest is this Thanksgiving. We plan to carry on the great tradition of the contest again this year: He walked to the chair to sit as everyone glanced at Ratchet.

He smiled his best smile. "Candy, slaggers."

Universal approval rained down upon them and it continued.

Lennox reported on the big picture. Carly reported on the big(gest habitat) picture for Unidad. It was great in a larger and more shiny way than the others as she told about the squash crop, the new fields coming into line and the doubling of the dairy herd. All was well in her terrarium, too.

By the time they reached the end everyone was listing to the side.

"I do believe we have arrived at the last item," Prime said sweetly.

Prowl who was grinning at him nodded his helm. "That's right. The Good of the Order or as I call it, Optimus's Happy Time."

Everyone glanced at Sam who shrank a bit in his chair.

"Hey, Sam?" a monster truck who was a union rep asked. "What's Sam's Happy Time?"

"Better yet, tell us about masturbation," Ratchet said.

It took the time for an internet search to shut down before the room exploded in bedlam. It also took a bit of time for the room to settle again. Everyone shot molten optics to Ratchet, then the monster truck leaned forward to look at Sam. "What's masturbation, Sam?"

He sank into his chair shooting heated optics at Judy who was grinning at him from a chair nearby. :Don't get mad at me. I didn't say it:

:Uh, ask Ratchet: Sam said. :He's a doctor:

Ratchet grinned. "Since you asked," he said as he shot videos from the internet directly at everyone.

The room exploded into bedlam again.

After things were replaced where they belonged, all of the mechs sat.

The humans who were watching them glanced at Ratchet.

:What happened need I ask?: Lennox said as the humans sat down again.

"Well, as you know, a teachable moment presented itself and I decided to show rather than tell. You can say I'm a bit on the hands-on side of things," Ratchet said to enormous laughter even from the mechs.

:You showed them a tape of masturbation then?: Judy Witwicky said to the great and howling consternation of every mech there.

"No," Ratchet said through his gigantic smile. "Yes."

Prime who was roaring glanced at Ratchet with a grin. "Hands on," he said, then laughed loudly again.

:Well, Doc, what do you do to pass the time?: Epps asked then regretted it.

Everyone stared at him with surprise, then the mechs with hopefulness. What did they do?

Everyone glanced at Ratchet who glanced at them. "Damned if I know. Check the fan fic sites." Ratchet glanced at Optimus. "I read an actual fan fiction once about you, Optimus. It was amazing for its truthful depictions."

"Don't ask him. I think I remember you showed me once and I couldn't recharge for a decaorn," Ironhide said.

"Do. Tell," Optimus asked as he sat back with a grin. How bad could it actually be?

"You will regret this," Alor said. "I remember that one, too."

"Fine. Then let me show you some funny kitten videos instead," Prowl said as he picked up his datapad.

"Well, since you asked," Ratchet said as he warmed up to the bullshit.

"HERE!" Prowl said as every monitor showed a cat batting a baby in the face. It was extremely cute.

"That's cute," Bulkhead said with a chuckle. "Human babies are cute."

"That reminds me of a funny story," Ratchet began.

Prowl stared at him with lazer optics. "Here. Guinea pigs."

It was feeding time at a guinea pig rescue with minders feeding 500 of the little slaggers as they ran on their little feet toward piles of food on the ground. It was adorable.

"Anyway, imagine a ladder," Ratchet said, then he smiled beautifully.

Everyone stopped chatting and fooling around to stare at Ratchet.

It became silent, then Scar leaned forward to stare down table at Ratchet. "Okay."

"Then imagine that ladder going from the ground to a door about 12 or 13 feet off the ground."

"Sure." -Payload

"Imagine the door. When you open it you enter the most amazing French Provincial house ever made."

It was silent.

"Imagine the entire story being a tour of that house."

More silence.

"Imagine that house being located in the backside of Optimus Prime."

Bedlam.

Moments later

A thorough scan of the internet failed to bring the writer or the story up.

Jetta glanced at Ratchet. "I would've loved to read that."

"You'd of loved it. Prime has exquisite taste," Ratchet said before Prowl rose to pummel him in his chair.

Prowl sat, then grinned at Ratchet. "Only you would find a swill pot like that."

"Actually, it was a bit genius. How do you think stuff like that up? If I remember the tour was like visiting the palace of the kings of France. I never did figure out if the ladder retracted when not in use and where it went if it did," Alor said with a chuckle.

Prime who was howling glanced at a console nearby. He hit a key, then set Auntie to find it. If anyone could she would. "This is better than that dissertation on your nose assembly, Ironhide."

"That was insane but I have to say this one topped it," Ironhide said with a chuckle.

Everyone settled, then stared at each other.

"I don't want to go to work," Alor said wistfully. "When is the game and who's going to win?"

"Tomorrow and the Comets. Seriously, Alor … you have to ask?" Prowl sniffed.

"Sure," Alor said to major laughter.

"Have you gotten any practice in?" Ratchet asked.

"Sure/No/Maybe," every team member in the room

Ratchet glanced at Prowl. "So do the bugs go so we can have that super secret meeting now?"

Prowl frowned. "Frag you."

"Short but to the point," Venture said as he watched his son try to hide his curdling at cursing in front of dear old dad.

Prowl frowned, then looked at the humans. "Scram. Take the civilians here with you."

"Do we get to have recess, Prowl?" Neo said as she rose to go back to her classroom at the Central Office in Titan.

Hoo-hah bloomed as the civilians of the Committee left with the humans.

When the door closed Prowl picked up his datapad. He glanced at Springer and Drift. "What's the security situation?"

"We have them all on the grid. Several changed home sites. That's against the rules but no one is pushing the situation. We can square it out after we do this." He glanced at Prime. "We're doing this. Right?"

"I am still gathering intel. We have to do it at night when they are home and swiftly. There can be no mistakes. They have children and they are not responsible it would seem for their thinking deficits. We have to do this right," Prime replied. "Is there more news about this from Sciences and Medical?"

"We're working on it, Prime. The genetics team from Sciences suggested that preliminarily it would appear that self limiting the partner pool has led to this. We have no silver bullet but to suggest that a highly coordinated raid taking them all at once is key to success. I would also say that if there's shooting and there will be, surely, then its not anyone's fault," Wheeljack said as Perceptor nodded.

"I am determined to gather them up as safely as possible. Its not their fault that they think this way. I am unwilling to jeopardize imperiled individuals or those with impaired judgment," Prime said. "I would like to have a plan and a timeline for implementation as soon as possible."

Murmurs greeted that.

"What about the Crader problem? Anything new?" Prime asked.

"Turquoise is reading that code as well. His protege is also helping. He's in charge of training them to his standard which is gold," Ratchet said. "We need time. Nothing about code is ever fast enough but we'll try."

"These two things are our priorities. We have a follow up migration being slow walked this way who were following up behind Fila and her crew. What do you want to do about them?" Elita asked.

"We need to find out about them, then take them into custody. I give that to you, Springer and Drift," Prime said. "Work it out, then go. I don't want them to get here and get off ship."

"On it," Springer said as Hercy and Drift nodded. "We can organize, then intercept them. I'm thinking having them switch ships to come this way and bagging them as they board. We can ask a titan to come. They'll go to a titan won't they?" He glanced at Ratchet.

"I would," Ratchet replied to general laughter. "I think that's a good idea."

It would be.

=0=Heading out

They sat side by side as the shuttle rose up, then cleared the atmosphere to see Radical Wind waiting for them in space. They flew into his deck, then called in. "We're here, Radical Wind. Six shuttles ready to go," Springer said.

:Affirmative. Secure for jump: a deep voice said.

They strapped in, then waited. In seconds they would beam into the space where a group of 5,000, not 150,000 as first feared where heading their way and Prime. They would sit and wait for them tensely.

=0=TBC 11-10-2022 11-25-2022

That's a true story. Someone wrote it on this site and it along with its writer was always considered one of the worst writers of this and any other dimension you can imagine. I didn't think so. I thought it was hilarious and probably the most off the wall imaginative thing ever. I've been unable to locate them again. Alas. They were either bumped off the site or left.