Elizabeth stared out into the swirling starfield.

Somehow, this trip was taking impossibly long. The days were simply not passing fast enough. And she didn't know if it was because she wanted to get as far away from Simon as possible, or because this trip to Earth had made it inescapably clear that Atlantis was now her only true home.

Pulling a small notebook from inside her jacket, she read over her latest, promising herself that it would go into the laptop as soon as she got back... home. It had been written just one day before the ship left Earth's orbit.

alone
how can you not know after all these years
I am so alone
could it be my act is so intact
that I can fool even you
or is that really such an accomplishment

alone
and struggling with mere existence today
when your voice on the phone hits far below the belt
...there's a few of your things, I think you might want...
calmly I acknowledge this civilized arrangement
when in the background
after goodbye and just before the connection breaks

I hear her voice

stare for a moment at the phone
lay back onto fresh bedding
and without warning
sobs wrench from my very soul
the threads torn away
fresh blood spilling

alone
sometimes the pain comes back so strong
like a bad ankle on a cold winter day
out of context
screaming
sometimes
it gets kicked all the way from her house

alone

She tucked the notebook away with a deep breath and stared out through the view screen silently. That is, until her military head walked over, looking and sounding like a twelve year old who just got his Eagle Scout badge. In spite of her mood, she shook her head as she teased him about his promotion.

He sat down at the table, a small grin escaping. "You don't understand. Some people never thought I would make it past 'Captain'." There was something under his delivery that spoke sincerely of surprise.

Doctor Weir sat back in her chair, nursing her hot chocolate. Her solemn green eyes looked into his, but her lips seemed to be trying very hard not to smile. "Evidently someone whose opinion mattered felt differently."

Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard looked at her with a calculating expression, his eyes narrowing as he considered just who might have that kind of sway with the military, Stargate Command, and the international community that was supporting this project. For a moment, he considered asking if she had been involved... but then he stopped. He wondered if he really wanted confirmation that Elizabeth was responsible for his promotion.

Part of him was delighted that the civilian commander of Atlantis thought so much of his work that she would push for him to stay on as the officer in charge. Another part, a less secure part, was concerned that her trust was misplaced... that he really wasn't up for this command...

He swallowed the insecurity as he had a thousand times before. "So." His tone made Doctor Weir raise her eyebrows, and he went on in the hopes of changing the subject. "How was your trip home? Apart from the unending interviews." He hadn't expected her eyes to take that suddenly subdued cast, for her expression to change to something he wasn't accustomed to. "Elizabeth?"

"It was fine." She paused a moment, a false smile flashing briefly across her face.

"Right." He looked at her dubiously, but didn't push it as she changed the subject.

"How about you? How did it go with Aiden's family?"

He stared at the table top, not quite able to look up at her. "It was - fine."

"Ah."

They were interrupted by a crewman, both glad for it at the moment, although not for long.

Things moved quickly after that.

It wasn't until much later that she realized just how surprisingly calm she had been when John and Rodney flew after a renegade fighter toward a blazing star. How well they worked as a team, with his uncommon bravery and determination, and her ability to lend calm organization to his efforts. How she never questioned that he would make it back to them.

To her.

Back at Atlantis two nights later, Doctor Elizabeth Weir and Colonol John Sheppard stood out on her favorite balcony, close enough to the control center to make sure everything was settling in, but private enough to have a quiet conversation.

Somehow out in the darkness, with stars giving them the barest light, it was easier to talk about fears and hurts. Easier to stand, leaning on the railing, with a friend. He eventually told her about Aiden's cousin, about his own concerns. She took a deep breath and finally told him about Simon. And after a pause, when he saw that she was dangerously close to tears, it was John who abruptly pointed up at the sky. "You figure out what to call that one yet?" She frowned at the stars, welcoming this distraction.

"It's just a big X, John. You should call it X."

"Nah." His eyes narrowed as he stared. "I think it's... the TIE Fighter."

She turned and looked at him, incredulous, then laughed when she saw the serious look in his eye.

"What? Luke came from a galaxy far, far away... and since we're in one..."

They abruptly found themselves deep in a pleasantly distracting discussion of Lucas's galaxy, and the sky was changing color when John yawned, shaking his head in embarrassment.

"Guess we better call it a night."

"Especially since you have to check on the mainland tomorrow."

"Right..." He brushed a hand over her shoulder companionably. "G'night, Elizabeth."

"Good night, John. And... thank you." She smiled into his eyes and watched as he turned to go with a nod, feeling an odd little pang in her chest as he did. Abruptly he stopped, turned around, and impulsively gave her a quick hug, her head under his chin. "Sleep well," he said in a bare whisper, and then he was gone.

Elizabeth stood frozen for a long moment. She could have sworn she felt his lips brush against her hair.

Back in her quarters, Doctor Weir sat down at her laptop, and began a new page.