Okay, if Ed and Roy ever went on Oprah, here's how I'd imagine things would go…

Ed and Roy go on Oprah

Oprah: Okay, everyone, today on the show we have some very special guests! Please give a round of applause for Edward Elric and Roy Mustang!

xApplausex

Oprah: Both are state alchemists of Amestris, and they are here today because they don't seem to get along very well, which is a problem because they are often required to work with one another. Tell me, what caused you to come on the show?

Ed: They said we'd get paid extra

Roy: Exactly

Oprah: Well, today our goal is to work out your differences

Ed: Whatever…

Roy: I am very willing to help

Ed: ass-kisser

Oprah: Oh, looks like we have some conflict here

Ed: No, really?

Roy: He constantly undermines my authority

Random person in audience: Respect my authori-tay!

Roy: …

Ed: Can we please just get on with this?

Roy: You're so impatient, Fullmetal…

Ed: Shut up!

Oprah: Now, now, we're here to help the problem. Roy, when Ed first became one of your subordinates, how did you feel?

Roy: I felt like I'd been stuck with long term baby-sitting

Oprah: and Ed, how did you feel?

Ed: I felt like they gave me a morally bankrupt colonel with a god complex

Oprah: Ah, I see. Roy, is that true?

Roy: of course not!

Oprah: Well, we have a surprise guest! Everyone, please meet Shirley.

Roy: Shirley? Why does that sound familiar?

"Roy Mustang!"

Roy: Oh dear Jesus…

Shirley: So, had to go away on business, did you? Why didn't you return any of my calls! I can't believe I wasted my time on you!

Roy: Fullmetal! I give you permission to finally kill me

Ed: Okay-

Oprah: Roy, I understand you've hurt a lot of women in the past? Shirley, you can go now.

Shirley: You'd better hope I don't see you on the street, Roy Mustang! Because if I do I'll castrate you with a rusty piece of shrapnel!

Roy: Ow…

Ed: Jeez, what did you do?

Roy: I didn't do anything! I was busy and forgot to call her!

Oprah: Ed, have you ever hurt anyone?

Ed: not intentionally…

Oprah: Well, we have another surprise guest. Everyone, please meet Winry.

Ed: OH DEAR JESUS!

Winry: Edward Elric! What, don't have enough time in your busy schedule to come visit your only other family? I fix your automail for less than it costs me to supply it and you can't even drop by to say hello? GYAAAH!

Ed: OW! Winry, don't throw you're wrench at me! I'm going to get brain damage!

Winry: I think you already have it!

Oprah: Ooh, conflict!

Ed: Winry, stop chasing me!

Winry: Ay-yiyi!

Ed: EEK!

Oprah: Okay Winry, you can go now

Winry: But he's still LIVING

Oprah: Security!

Winry: I'll be back!

Ed: I don't doubt that you will…

Oprah: It seems you both have people you hurt, and you should be ashamed

Ed: wait a minute!

Roy: Yeah, did you just see that psychopath that was just in here? It's not Ed's fault!

Ed: Yeah, and Roy is actually working most of the time so he doesn't really have time to call all those women.

Roy: Why thank you, Ed

Ed: No problem. You can help me get a restraining order against her later

Oprah: I think you both have problems

Ed: Well, Oprah, I think you can take your advice and shove it

Roy: Come on, Ed. Let's get out of here

Ed: Okay

Oprah: Well, this has been a shocking outcome and-OW! Did you just throw that microphone at me?

Ed: run before security comes!

Roy: Ah! Ed, don't come out here! Winry's still here-BANG CRASH BANG

Ed: Oh my god, Roy!

Edward Elric

Age: 17

Killed by angry blond with screwdriver

Roy Mustang

Age: "I will be 25 forever!"

Same