Okay, if Ed and Roy ever went on Oprah, here's how I'd imagine things would go…
Ed and Roy go on Oprah
Oprah: Okay, everyone, today on the show we have some very special guests! Please give a round of applause for Edward Elric and Roy Mustang!
xApplausex
Oprah: Both are state alchemists of Amestris, and they are here today because they don't seem to get along very well, which is a problem because they are often required to work with one another. Tell me, what caused you to come on the show?
Ed: They said we'd get paid extra
Roy: Exactly
Oprah: Well, today our goal is to work out your differences
Ed: Whatever…
Roy: I am very willing to help
Ed: ass-kisser
Oprah: Oh, looks like we have some conflict here
Ed: No, really?
Roy: He constantly undermines my authority
Random person in audience: Respect my authori-tay!
Roy: …
Ed: Can we please just get on with this?
Roy: You're so impatient, Fullmetal…
Ed: Shut up!
Oprah: Now, now, we're here to help the problem. Roy, when Ed first became one of your subordinates, how did you feel?
Roy: I felt like I'd been stuck with long term baby-sitting
Oprah: and Ed, how did you feel?
Ed: I felt like they gave me a morally bankrupt colonel with a god complex
Oprah: Ah, I see. Roy, is that true?
Roy: of course not!
Oprah: Well, we have a surprise guest! Everyone, please meet Shirley.
Roy: Shirley? Why does that sound familiar?
"Roy Mustang!"
Roy: Oh dear Jesus…
Shirley: So, had to go away on business, did you? Why didn't you return any of my calls! I can't believe I wasted my time on you!
Roy: Fullmetal! I give you permission to finally kill me
Ed: Okay-
Oprah: Roy, I understand you've hurt a lot of women in the past? Shirley, you can go now.
Shirley: You'd better hope I don't see you on the street, Roy Mustang! Because if I do I'll castrate you with a rusty piece of shrapnel!
Roy: Ow…
Ed: Jeez, what did you do?
Roy: I didn't do anything! I was busy and forgot to call her!
Oprah: Ed, have you ever hurt anyone?
Ed: not intentionally…
Oprah: Well, we have another surprise guest. Everyone, please meet Winry.
Ed: OH DEAR JESUS!
Winry: Edward Elric! What, don't have enough time in your busy schedule to come visit your only other family? I fix your automail for less than it costs me to supply it and you can't even drop by to say hello? GYAAAH!
Ed: OW! Winry, don't throw you're wrench at me! I'm going to get brain damage!
Winry: I think you already have it!
Oprah: Ooh, conflict!
Ed: Winry, stop chasing me!
Winry: Ay-yiyi!
Ed: EEK!
Oprah: Okay Winry, you can go now
Winry: But he's still LIVING
Oprah: Security!
Winry: I'll be back!
Ed: I don't doubt that you will…
Oprah: It seems you both have people you hurt, and you should be ashamed
Ed: wait a minute!
Roy: Yeah, did you just see that psychopath that was just in here? It's not Ed's fault!
Ed: Yeah, and Roy is actually working most of the time so he doesn't really have time to call all those women.
Roy: Why thank you, Ed
Ed: No problem. You can help me get a restraining order against her later
Oprah: I think you both have problems
Ed: Well, Oprah, I think you can take your advice and shove it
Roy: Come on, Ed. Let's get out of here
Ed: Okay
Oprah: Well, this has been a shocking outcome and-OW! Did you just throw that microphone at me?
Ed: run before security comes!
Roy: Ah! Ed, don't come out here! Winry's still here-BANG CRASH BANG
Ed: Oh my god, Roy!
Edward Elric
Age: 17
Killed by angry blond with screwdriver
Roy Mustang
Age: "I will be 25 forever!"
Same
